Dreaming

He could always dream of such things. Of course, that didn't mean any of his dreams would ever (or should ever) become reality, but he could still dream, couldn't he?

He had gone to bed alone the night before. His mind spun with thought of what had passed the night before.

He had danced with her, his beautiful student. He had not actively sought her out as he had promised himself he would not do; she had approached him casually. She took his hand as if it meant nothing, as if she did it habitually, as if she had no idea what thoughts were racing clamorously through his head. She probably didn't, he though in retrospect, smiling sadly to himself. He couldn't possibly become involved with her. She was much too young for him and…

He was much too old to be thinking of her in that way. She had danced with him as though it meant nothing of that sort. But she had definitely known something was bothering him last night, oh yes, she had.

Partway through the dance, she had looked up into his eyes, inquiringly. Her blue-gray eyes had asked if there was something wrong. They had known each other for years now and he knew her so well that there was no need for her to voice her question. He knew what she wanted to know, but he sighed, shaking his head. He replied that he was just rather out of sorts, court life was starting to wear on him. He was grateful that they would be departing the next day to survey immortals in the north. That was where he had stopped talking.

He was grateful and he was not. Where they were going, their lives were so defined by routines established by years of traveling together, student and teacher. When they went back, nothing would have changed. He would be the researcher who spent most of his free time absorbed in books and she would be his student who usually understood most of what he was saying when he went on tangents about the aforementioned books. Things would be just the same as they always had been. But for him, things would only be more complicated.

The time they had spent staying at the capital and having nothing hugely pressing to attend to besides wading through ancient manuscripts had made him appreciate her more.

This time, they had stayed in Corus long enough for him to notice the way young men looked at her, young men her own age who deserved her much more than he did, but even so… The first time he had realized his resentment of this, he had not known what it meant and had merely written it off as paternal protectiveness. But these feeling had persisted for long enough for him to realize by now what they meant.

But really, it was indecent the way other men looked at her, she was only sixteen! And he was nearly thirty. That thought always brought him out of his dreaming. He had had to set rules for himself.

Last night when she had danced with him, he had tested those rules and nearly broken all of them. For her sake, he hoped he would never come that close again.

After she had questioned his state of mind the previous night, the dance has continued on for an immeasurably long time while he mulled over his emotions for her. He was far too taken with her: there was no point in denial, no matter how indecent it seemed to him. She just looked so pretty in that floaty blue dress. She wore nice dresses so infrequently that he was always surprised by the way they made her look more grown up and even more beautiful and appealing than usual, which was saying something. She was even wearing the earrings he had given her two midwinters ago.

He suddenly realized he was staring and looked away, flushing slightly. His thoughts were indecent, really, especially since he would never have a hope of deserving her.

"Please, is something wrong?" she inquired. "You look unusually distracted tonight."

"He turned his head to meet her eyes and shook his head mutely. He knew she would not really believe him, but that was not to be helped. It wasn't as if he could tell her that she was the central figure in his complicated thoughts. That would be completely inappropriate and would most likely lead to him disclosing his feelings for her, which would be even more inappropriate. She was his student and nearly half his age! Gods, he had to get control over himself.

They continued dancing and as the music swelled, she drew closer to him as the dance required. When he stiffened for a moment, she looked up into his eyes, again with that questioning look. Why did he have to feel to frustratingly attracted to her?

His mind vaguely registered the fact that they were now dancing in a dim and relatively deserted corner of the dance floor. When did this happen? It would be so easy for him to lose himself in her eyes.

His treacherous mind whispered that it would be so easy, he would just have to lean down and forward several inches… No! He couldn't, that would ruin everything! Could she read this play of conflicting emotions in his eyes? She was so close and she was just looking at him so expectantly…

"Magelet, I…"

The music stopped. Across the dance floor, people were exchanging parting words, changing dance partners. He was brought back to reality with a jolt.

"I'll see you in the morning, magelet."

She gave him one last parting smile that nearly broke his heart as she allowed herself to be swept up into a new dance with Perin the swain.

He left the dance and retreated to the quiet of his own rooms. He fell asleep almost at once.

He dreamed that his night had ended differently. He dreamed that the dance hadn't ended, that he had broken his own rigid rules. It would have been so horribly inappropriate had his night actually ended that way, but his dreams were his own. He could always dream of such things.