Hello! I know I have two other ongoing stories and I am working on those! I sometimes get a story idea and run with it so here we are. This was supposed to be a one shot but I got a little carried away so it will be a few chapters. The good news is its pretty much completed so I should be able to post it all within the week! I wrote this a little differently than other things I've done. Always fun to try something new! I don't own glee, just the plot and any non glee related characters. Enjoy!
Janie was 10 weeks old when he went to his first meeting. His mom had left two weeks prior. She told him he would be okay without her and he could do it on his own. Now he wasn't so sure. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Kurt kept pushing him to go, telling him it would be helpful to talk to others who are in the same situation. Finn usually rolled his eyes at this statement because who wants to be sad and then go talk to a bunch of people who are too? He is sad enough on a daily basis without having to deal with other people's sorrows. He didn't want to go, but he needed to.
He shuffled slowly into the church hall where he saw the sign: Thrive Grief Group meeting 6-8pm. Finn took a deep breath before entering the room. A few people were chatting over by the refreshments and others were already seated. He wasn't hungry so he kept on walking until he arrived at a circle of chairs. The metal of the chair felt cool through his jeans as he adjusted himself into a comfortable position. You think they would choose more comfortable accommodations for a two hour meeting. Someone he assumed was the leader made an announcement that it was time to begin. The rest of the group found their seats. You could tell those who had been coming here for a while since they sat together and talked. He sat quietly, waiting to see how this would all play out.
Mr. Scott, as he announced himself, was the person running this group. He welcomed everyone and said that participation is not mandatory, just talk when you want to talk and be respectful of others. Finn didn't pay too much attention to what else he said because he was thinking about how Janie was doing at home with Kurt. He hadn't left her much but he had to go back to work in two weeks and Janie would be in daycare. He felt his heart twinge just thinking about it.
He listened to Mrs. Martin talk about how her husband died six months ago from cancer. They'd been married 41 years and she cried as she talked about how much she missed him. Selfishly Finn thought to himself "at least you had 41 years. I had two."
The rest of the group seemed candid about their experiences from losing a parent, a spouse, and a child. God he couldn't imagine what he would do if he had lost Janie too. He'd probably lose his will to live to be honest. She's the only thing keeping him going right now. Her cries force him out of bed in the morning, when he reaches to the other side where his wife should be. Janie needs him and he made his mom a promise that he wouldn't do anything stupid because he had a baby now. Doesn't mean it doesn't cross his mind.
Most of the meeting he spent listening, but staring at his shoes. He hated seeing other people cry. All he's done for the past 10 weeks is cry or have people cry around him. He's tired of the looks he gets from people when he tells them what happened, or worse the stares of people he knows watching him go at this alone. A nurse at the hospital had told him she'd understand if he wanted to put the baby up for adoption. He remembers asking her if she was crazy. Why would he give away the only piece of his wife he had left? The baby they created and planned for. He'll protect Janie until he is no longer on this Earth.
Toward the end of the session Mr. Scott asks if anyone else has anything to share. Finn hadn't been keeping track of who had spoken or not. He didn't really care. He said if we were new, we should leave here with a number of someone else in the group. That we had to support each other and have someone in our lives who has been in our shoes. He told Mr. Scott that both his mom and stepdad have been in his shoes but Mr. Scott said its not the same because they are my parents and have different ways of supporting me.
Finn scanned the room looking for someone who he could give his number too, and get theirs. Mr. Scott was pretty adamant that he do this and it was his assignment this week to call that person if he needed to. The loneliest time for people is at night before bed, when the house is silent and your thoughts take over your mind. Finn knew all about that.
He saw two guys talking at the refreshment table. Finn couldn't remember their names but he knew one lost his dad last year in a work accident and the other his wife to heart disease. He figured he could get their numbers to satisfy Mr. Scott and then get home to Kurt and Janie. As he headed over to them, he noticed a small woman still seated in a chair, scrolling through her phone. She was sitting cross legged in a large black sweater and her dark hair covering her face. He didn't remember hearing her speak. Actually he hadn't noticed her at all until right now. She lifted her face from her phone to see Finn staring at her. He held his hand up and gave a small wave as he shifted his weight back and forth between his feet. She waved back shyly but then motioned for him to come over.
She patted the chair next to her asking him to sit.
"Sorry I was staring. I've never been here before and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm Finn by the way."
"Don't worry about it. I'm Rachel. It's nice to meet you."
The two shook hands and he swears he saw her crack a small smile.
"So Mr. Scott told me I have to get someone's phone number before I leave. How do you know who to ask? Does it matter?"
Rachel pulled her feet out from under her and placed them on the floor so she could face Finn. "I just asked a random woman. She doesn't come here anymore and I never called her anyways. Here give me your phone." Rachel held out her hand towards Finn. "I'll put my number in there so Mr. Scott will say you have someone. Call me or don't. That's up to you. I probably wouldn't be much help anyways."
Finn handed his phone over. What was this girl's story? "Did you speak tonight?"
"No," Rachel answered as she put her number in Finn's phone, "but you didn't either."
"How long have you been coming here? Sorry I don't mean to pry."
Rachel finished up and handed the phone back to Finn. "I've been coming here for 8 months. I never speak. Ever. And I won't."
"Then why do you come?"
"Dr.'s orders. Plus it makes me leave the house at least once a week. Why did you come?"
Finn couldn't imagine coming here or 8 months. He couldn't even imagine coming again next week. "My mom and brother made me. Does anyone actually come here because they want to?"
Rachel just shrugged her shoulders as her eyes scanned the room.
"Well it was nice to meet you Rachel. See you around."
The following Thursday Kurt shows up at his door at 5:15. He pushed past Finn and walked into the apartment.
"Kurt I already told you I'm not going back. It's a waste of time."
"Oh no you don't! I promised your mom I'd get you to those meetings so you're going to go. And really go Finn. Not just drive somewhere else and pretend to go."
"Why does everyone else think they know what's best for me? I'm a capable adult you know!"
Kurt just stared back at him holding Finns jacket in his hands. He knew there was no point in arguing. "Janie needs a bottle at 6."
He shows up five minutes late. His seat from last week was still open. Rachel was sitting in her usual seat too. Legs crossed, baggy sweater, trying to disappear within herself. He listened to more stories, trying to be less judgmental. Everyone is here because someone they loved died and it sucks. This is a club he never wanted to belong to.
After the meeting he heads over to Rachel's seat. Neither of them had chosen to talk during the meeting.
"I'm shocked you came back to be honest."
Finn sat next to her as he pulled his jacket on. "My brother made me come. It's easier to come than deal with his nagging."
Rachel chuckled as Finn rolled his eyes. "It's not so bad once you become numb to the sadness."
Just then Finn got a text from Kurt saying that Janie wasn't acting right and he wanted him to come home.
"Sorry I've got to run. The baby might be sick and I've got to get home." Fin stood up quickly. "See you next week?"
Rachel quietly replied "you have a baby?"
"Yeah I do. Sorry I really have to go."
He has to miss the next meeting. He went back to work today and only cried a little after he dropped Janie off. The day went by quickly, except for the sympathetic stares he got from everyone. Some people gave him a pat on the back, but mostly people just avoided him. They probably didn't know what to say. He was relieved because he wouldn't have been able to say anything back.
Janie is a mess from her nap schedule being changed at daycare and Kurt has to work and can't babysit. She's hysterically crying for a good hour after they get home. He's starting to freak out because she's never cried for his long and he always joked that she was giving him a break by being such an awesome baby.
He doesn't want to call his mom because he knows she'll fly out on the next flight because she's so worried about him. Before he knows what he's doing he calls Rachel. He glances at the clock as it's ringing and realizes she's in their meeting right now so he hangs up.
Finn puts Janie in the baby carrier so he can hold her and make a bottle without putting her down. This doesn't change anything and she's still screaming but at least he's holding her. It's breaking his heart that he can't help her and he finishes the bottle as his phone rings.
He pushes the answer button and put it on speaker.
"Finn are you ok? I saw that you called."
Janie's screams escalate and he can barely hear her. "I was just having a rough time and Mr. Scott said to reach out and I'm sorry I bothered you but I really have to go."
Rachel is outside of the meeting in the hallways trying to whisper. She can tell Finn needs someone but she doesn't help people. She's been the one who's needed help for a long time. She also knows that by going to help Finn she'll have to cross streets and she tries not to do that if she doesn't have to.
Rachel can hear Janie screaming in the background and the words fly out of her mouth. "Text me your address. I'm coming over."
Rachel arrived twenty minutes later with a pizza in one hand and wine in another. She hadn't been anywhere but her house or the meetings in 8 months. She was glad Finn didn't notice the flustered look on her face.
Finn had already changed Janie twice, tried the bottle, pacifier, and swing. Rachel noticed the frazzled look on his face when she walked in. "Hand me the baby Finn."
He didn't trust anyone with Janie, but for some reason he felt okay about giving her over to Rachel. She took Janie from him and readjusted the blanket he had wrapped around her. She placed Janie's cheek against hers and began to sing.
He could tell Janie knew this was something different. She screamed louder at first but her cries soon turned into sniffles. Within five minutes she was asleep.
Finn motioned to Rachel to follow him to the nursery. The pair walked quietly down the narrow hallway of Finn's apartment, turning right into Janie's light pink nursery. Rachel laid her down slowly into the crib and they retreated back into the living room.
"I'm a horrible father," Finn said as he ran his hands through his hair. "How could you calm her down in five minutes and I've been trying for hours?" Finn sat on the couch throwing his head in his hands.
He felt the couch move beside him. "Babies can sense if you're tense. She probably just knew you were upset too. It's okay Finn. Most people have help, but some don't. You're doing fine Finn."
They ate the pizza and drank wine in silence. Both afraid to start a conversation they didn't want to finish. It was the first normal interaction Finn had really had in three months.
"You don't look at me like everyone else does," Finn said taking another bite.
"It's because we're the same."
Rachel downed the last few drops of her wine before she headed out the door.
Three meetings later, Finn finally broke. Mrs. Martin was talking about her husband dying and their kids missing him and Finn lost it. Janie would never miss her mom because she only saw her for an hour. One fucking hour. He sobbed so hard he had to leave the room because no one could hear Mrs. Martin go on.
He reached the steps outside before he heard her footsteps behind him. She sat on the steps where he was standing and grabbed his hand to pull him down. Finn collapsed into her lap, completely engulfing her with his body. He cried so hard he could barely breathe. She rubbed his back and wiped the tears from his cheeks as they fell.
Finn doesn't know how much time has passed until he felt well enough to sit up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost it in there."
"Never apologize for your sadness Finn. It's okay to be sad."
"Does it ever stop hurting?"
Rachel sighed as she crossed her arms across her body. "I don't know. I'm still waiting."
Finn opens the door with Janie on his hip. Her hair growing in blonde and curly, with amber eyes like Finn.
"There's my girl!" Carole shouts and claps as she sees her. She hadn't been to visit since she left the first time, when Janie was still tiny.
Janie gives her a big grin and Finn hands her over as he takes his moms bags out of her hand.
Finn clears a space on the floor in front of the coffee table and lays Janie's quilt out with some toys. "Mom, put her down here and watch. She learned a new trick this morning."
Carole lays Janie on her back in the middle of the quilt. Janie looks up at both of them and smiles, then looks around her. She reaches across her body with her right arm and rolls right over.
"She rolled over today! Well she can go from her stomach to back but today she went from her back to stomach. She worked really hard at it didn't you Janie girl?" Janie grins at Finn with wide eyes and turns her attention back to her toy.
Carole claps for her and rubs Finn's back. "Good job daddy."
Finn has a meeting tonight and Carole is babysitting and for the first time he doesn't feel like he has to text non-stop to see if she's okay.
He hasn't broken down since that day he cried in Rachel's arms. They never spoke about it again. Sometimes they text but it's mostly about if they are going to the meetings or not. It doesn't go any deeper and Finn doesn't pry and neither does she. They have an unspoken understanding with each other. He doesn't know her story and she doesn't know his. That's just how they are.
After tonight's meeting he invites Rachel out for coffee. Not like a date, just as a friend because he isn't ready for any of that.
"No," Rachel replies.
"No? Did I do something wrong? It's just coffee I promise."
"It's not that Finn. I don't go anywhere except my apartment and here. Nowhere else. I can't." She fiddled with the strap on her purse awaiting his reply.
"You can't or you won't? You came to my house right? It will be fine. I'll help you."
They walk to a diner not far from the church and sit in a back corner booth. Neither of them wanted any attention from anyone.
"I haven't been out either you know. I go to work and Janie's daycare and here, but I haven't done anything normal since it happened. Or maybe nothing will feel normal ever again." Finn sips his coffee slowly as he stares at Rachel's sad eyes.
Rachel remains silent letting his words sink in. Her attention turns to the counter where a dad and two young girls sat down. "I want pie daddy!" the young girl said as she tugged on her dad's jacket.
Rachel's eyes filled up with tears as she watched the interaction. Her breathing became labored and Finn could see the panic in her eyes. He grabbed her hand across the table.
"Take a deep breath Rachel. It's going to be okay. You can do it." Finn didn't know why she was upset and didn't ask. He knew about triggers and things that would set him off into a depression. Things that made him cry out of nowhere and made him miss her so badly he wanted to scream.
Rachel focused on Finn and he guided her breathing until she calmed down. "I need to leave."
Finn paid the bill no questions asked and gave her a hug goodbye. Later that night when he was almost a sleep he got a text from her. "Thank You" is all it said.
It's Lainey's six month birthday and he has a meeting. He doesn't mind going anymore. Everyone understands him there and no one expects him to act a certain way, or say anything at all for that matter. Kurt now has a boyfriend named Blaine and sometimes he helps watch Janie too. He seems like a nice guy and he doesn't know enough about Finn to judge him.
Finn doesn't know what makes him do it. Mr. Scott asks who would like to start off the session and Finn raised his hand before he knew what he had done. Rachel was in her usual seat. Her eyes grew wide as she realized Finn was choosing to talk.
"Six months ago today, my daughter was born. It was the most amazing moment of my entire life." Finn took a deep breath as the tears already began to flow. "My wife and I were so excited. We knew we wanted to have kids right away and started trying right after our one year wedding anniversary. She got pregnant right away and it was like our life was completely perfect."
Finn could feel his hands shaking as he continued on.
"I have this picture of us holding her after she first came out and I love it so much. Janie, my daughter, is so sad and has this pouty lip and my wife is looking at her crying with joy. I'm looking at the camera giving a thumbs up and it's just the most perfect picture in the whole universe. It's also the only picture I have of all three of us."
He could see people in the room tearing up. Mrs. Martin reached over and grabbed his hand. Rachel had crossed her legs again and molded herself into a ball, tears falling down her face.
"An hour after Janie was born, my wife said she felt light headed. I quickly grabbed the baby from her as my wife passed out. The doctor's rushed in as I screamed but there was nothing they could do. She suffered from a pulmonary embolism and died right in front of me while I held our daughter in my arms."
He hears a few gasps and Rachel cries into her hands. Even though they've all experienced their own grief, it doesn't make it any easier to hear someone else's pain.
His voice cracks a little as the tears continue to flow. "The doctor's tried but there was no way to save her. I was rushed to the corner of the room as Janie cried. It's almost like she knew her mama was gone forever." Someone handed Finn a tissue as he continued to talk. "I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel so bad for Janie because she got the shaft. Every day she does something amazing and her mom isn't here to see it. It fucking sucks."
He doesn't wait to hear what the others have to say. Finn rushes out into the hallway to take a break because that's the hardest thing he's had to do since the funeral. He's just been existing all of this time. Tonight he feels like he's been stabbed in the chest.
He hears her footsteps and doesn't have to know it's her before she's next to him. She wraps her arms around him tightly and buries her head in his chest. There's nothing more going on between them. They just know how it is. He doesn't know her story but he knows enough to get her and how she is.
"I feel so broken Rachel. I'm a shell of who I want to be."
Rachel looks up at him, her eyes puffy from crying. "I am too Finn."
Thoughts? The next section should be up soon!