They say you're not supposed to tell a story until it's over...the truth is, I'm not sure if this even is. They also say you start right from the beginning of a story, when all the weird things started happening. But what happens if things seemed normal but in reality, under the surface, they never were? And what happens if, by the time you realise this, it's too late?
If I was to start at somewhere near the beginning I'd tell you all about my friends and the crap they brought with them and I'd talk about my family and their skeletons in the closet. But this is my story, not theirs, and I hope you see as you delve into the chapters of my life, that ultimately, everything you do whether bad or good has some sort of consequence.
Well...I don't think very much of myself, I didn't back then and I still don't think much of myself now. I certainly didn't care very much of my appearance and even less of my personality. What you saw was what you got, end of. I always vowed that I wouldn't change myself for anyone, because the real people in my life accepted me for who I was. But sometimes there are very real people in your life who somehow manage to change you; regardless of your choice and you have no power to stop it.
In terms of my appearance and personality, my parents always said that often the people who are deemed ugly should be beautiful to match their insides and that the very beautiful should have their faces matched to their insides; cold and bitter and ugly.
With my parents philosophy I am quite thankful for what I look like because, though my manners are generally good, my overall personality leaves a lot to be desired and my looks are very average. If I was a boy maybe I would have been nicknamed 'Average Joe', despite me being a girl my nickname never was or has been 'Plain Jane' though the name 'Jane' would have been very good for a girl that looks like me. By me saying I'm essentially a 'Plain Jane' I mean that I have no striking features and look even more simple than the girl next door, meaning I'm popular with the parents but not so much with the children. I have brownish eyes with some grey in them and bushy curly hair that refuses to stay straight no matter how many times I straighten it or how hot my GHDs are. I'm very chubby too, chubby is nicer to say than fat or overweight and sounds much less stupid than calling yourself 'big boned' which sounds ridiculous. I'm quite short too, no taller than 5'0 but no shorter than 4'9. I'm not bummed by my weight or anything, though it would have been nice to get bigger boobs than my truly tiny A cups, I always thought that bigger girls were supposed to get bigger boobs but apparently not.
Like I said, I'm really nothing special and I'm not one of those people that get lots of guys talking about how hot they are. I suppose my family say I'm pretty a lot and so do my friends, but I doubt that they'd be cruel enough to call me ugly flat out. My personality at times does get more attention.
If I take on board my family's comments then I wouldn't say I was pretty, just someone who takes some time in front of a mirror to try and look halfway decent. I wouldn't say I was cold hearted, just someone who finds it difficult to express their emotions and affection to people. I wouldn't say I was ruthless, selfish, bossy, grabbing or any other negative word which would go with those, just someone who knows what they want. I wouldn't say I was indecisive (with the last comment once I realise what I want to do I eventually set out to get it), just someone who is cautious and doesn't (or tries not to) make a rash decision that they'll regret. I wouldn't say I was crazy, just someone who has two very different sides to their personality and can very rapidly switch between the two (i.e. switching from being calm to angry very quickly). I wouldn't say I was smart, just someone who reads a lot of books and is open minded to pretty much anything.
It seems very ironic that all these attributes that I and people give to myself: pretty, cold hearted, emotionless, ruthless, selfish, bossy, grabbing, cautious, crazy, smart; are the very things that are the most dangerous in this world and are often all given to some of the very most dangerous beings in this world.