They were absent, that is, until they appeared at the doorway. "Guys!" Kevin shouted. "Willy Wonka's opening his factory up to, like, five people in the entire world!"
"And he's hidden golden tickets in his candybars, and whoever gets a golden ticket gets to go into the factory!" Brittany squeaked out, thrilled.
"And the winners also get a lifetime supply of chocolate!" Kevin added, jubilant. They disappeared from the doorway, presumably off to inform other classrooms about this event.
Daria's mouth was half-open, the sarcastic remark still half-formed in her brain, when the classroom was overcome with a general uproar. Startled, Daria looked around as her classmates stormed to their feet, cheering as they ran for the door. After what seemed like three seconds, the classroom had emptied itself entirely, save for Daria and Mr. DeMartino. "Uh...what the hell just happened?" she wondered aloud.
"Miss MORgendorffer, I would not beGRUDGE you if you were to join your classmates in their effort to LOOT every candy store, supermarket, and convenience store in TOWN in their effort to get their hands on a PRIZE which would no doubt send them to an early diabetic coma-induced GRAVE."
"Uh, thanks," Daria said reluctantly, gathering her books and leaving the classroom
The hallway was the scene of a disaster zone. Textbooks and loose pieces of paper were scattered all around, a number of lockers hanging ajar. Daria was a little surprised that she didn't stumble across anybody dead by stampede as she made her way to her locker.
She closed her locker and turned around, letting out an "Eep!" as she was startled by Jane, who was standing less than a foot behind her, bouncing excitedly up and down on her toes. "Daria, come on, we've got to buy some Wonka bars!"
Daria sighed, wondering when exactly Jane had lost her mind. "Jane, you do realize this is just an advertising scheme to sell more candy, right?"
Jane looked at Daria like she had just grown a third head. "...Daria, don't tell me you've never had a Wonka bar before."
"Okay, I won't."
Jane's mouth fell open in shock. "You've never had a Wonka bar? Daria's head shook. "No wonder! Come on, amiga, we've got to get some Wonka goodness in you..."
XXXX
Daria sat upright on Jane's bed, looking impassively down upon Jane's countenance. Jane's countenance was at that moment smeared with chocolate and emitting moans of pain.
"In the future, Jane, it might not be considered the best plan to eat twenty-five candy bars."
Jane rolled over on her side, so that if she threw up she wouldn't drown in her own vomit. "Worth it," she gritted through her teeth. Daria rolled her eyes and left the room. She returned several minutes later with a glass of water, bubbling from the antacid tablet at the bottom of the glass. Jane drank it slowly and gratefully. After a few minutes, she felt well enough to sit up.
"So, what's so special about this Wonka guy, anyway? How come I've never heard of him before?" Daria asked.
"Haven't you eaten your Wonka bar yet?" Jane asked increduously.
Daria shook her head. "I want to know what kind of cult I'll be joining before I drink the Kool-Aid, actually."
Jane rolled her eyes. "Okay, so Wonka is this candy maker out of England. I guess he's not as popular here in the good ol' US of A because we're Hershey territory, but Wonka's definitely better. The story goes that rival candy makers kept trying to infiltrate his factory and steal all his secrets, so he just closed it up one day and sent all his workers home."
"Bet that did wonders for the local economy."
"Hush," Jane chided. "Anyway, after a few years, the factory started up again...only no workers came in, and no workers came out. The candy appeared on the shipping docks overnight, where the trucks came and hauled it off to airports, seaports, and distribution centers...but neither hide nor hair has been seen of Wonka, nor of any of his workers."
Daria nodded. "Actually, I think I have heard of this before. Wasn't there an episode of Sick, Sad World about it?"
Jane nodded. "Yeah! Anyway, Daria, try the damn chocolate already. You might even have a golden ticket!"
"Don't be absurd, Jane," Daria said, tearing open the packaging. "What are the odds that, of all the hundreds of millions of candy bars he must ship out every year, I'd get one...with..." Daria was interrupted as both she and Jane's eyes were fixated upon the Wonka bar.
A golden glint had revealed itself underneath the wrapping.
XXXX
Daria walked home in a state of muted shock. Jane, after whooping and hollering in excitement, had been disappointed to find out the ticket prohibited any but a single member of the winner's family from accompanying them into the factory. After that, Jane had begged Daria for the ticket, but Daria promised to split the chocolate with Jane.
After she left, she realized she still hadn't tasted the Wonka bar, which she had shoved into her jacket pocket unthinkingly after finding the ticket. She took it out (marvelled that it hadn't melted) and took a bite. After thinking about it for a moment, she thought, 'Not bad,' and took another bite.
As she walked home, she considered which one of her family members she should take. She considered her father first - he might enjoy the tour, and the chance to hobnob with this Willy Wonka man...on the other hand, it might remind him of his childhood, prompting him to rant about her long-dead grandfather. Her mother...would be too busy chatting with Eric on her cell phone to actually care about the tour. Aunt Amy might be interested, but then again might not.
Quinn, though...Quinn disliked candy, since it made her break out. And since there was sure to be plenty of publicity surrounding the factory tour, it'd be an ample opportunity for public humiliation. It'd work out perfectly; all she'd have to do is convince her mother to let her take Quinn...
"My congratulations, little girl," a stern voice interrupted her musing. She looked up to see a man had stepped out from behind a tree, now standing quite close to her. He had a no-nonsense face and wore a suit and wire-rimmed spectacles. "You found the first golden ticket.
"How the hell could you know that?" Daria asked, fear obvious in her voice and face.
"May I introduce myself...Arthur Slugworth, president of Slugworth Chocolates." He began to reach into his jacket.
Daria, having seen too many crime movies, got spooked and reached into her own jacket pocket. She was much quicker on the draw, and sprayed Slugworth's face with the entire contents of the can of mace. She drew back and kicked him in the crotch as hard as she could, then set off for home at a dead run. If she had bothered to look back, she would have seen a wad of hundred-dollar bills clutched in the groaning man's hand.
XXXXXXXXXX
I don't think Daria/Willy Wonka has been mashed up before...at least, not outside the "Scenes that shouldn't exist" threads. Expect Daria and Willy Wonka to be up to their usual selves, (Oh, and this'll be the Gene Wilder Wonka, not the Johnny Depp Wonka, mainly because I've never seen the newer movie).