Am I?
Sexuality is confusing. It is quite possibly more confusing than history (Karma's worst subject).
She had known what it was to be straight since she was old enough to understand romantic relationships. It is the norm; the whole reason no one needs to come out as heterosexual. After learning about heterosexuality, she learned of homosexuality – or as most people called it 'being gay'.
Growing up there was this perceived binary that she was taught by society: you were either gay or straight. And this was fine for her. She never knew any better.
She knew she was attracted to boys when she got her first crush on a boy called Alex at age 10. He was beautiful: blonde hair, a nice smile, and gorgeous brown eyes. Her heart had raced whenever she saw him. Her dreams had revolved around walking down the school hallways holding his hand.
According to the rules she had been taught, this first crush made it clear she was straight. The label fit..
As the years passed she developed plenty of crushes on boys in her classes. If she noticed her feelings also happened for her female classmates, she ignored it. After-all, that didn't say anything about her sexuality, plenty of girls talked about girl crushes, and how certain female celebrities were beautiful. It was simply appreciating beauty; she knew she wasn't gay.
When she was 14, Karma first heard the term 'bisexual'. A big singer had just came out as bisexual on the TV and he had explained about how he was attracted to both genders. The word was a revelation. She had never known that there was more than 2 sexualities. Perhaps she was bisexual; how could she be sure?
As with everything, she turned to the internet. In a private browser, she started her research. The searches went on one after another. She began simple. 'Bisexuality' was her first search. She clicked the first link. It led to a government website which explained what the term meant. It felt right, to some degree. It certainly felt more accurate than heterosexual. But she needed to know more. Next she clicked on some blogs. Maybe it would help to have more personal help? A few people explained how they found members of the same sex beautiful but identified as 100% straight. They simply could see objectively that someone was conventionally attractive by society's standards.
Karma was even more confused. So she looked at the numerous quizzes which littered the search result page.
One page loaded. In bold letters at the top of the page it read, 'Am I Bisexual? (Girls only). Heart in her throat, she began to click through it. Maybe she would finally know. She would finally know more about herself..
However, as she read the questions, her excitement faded. The questions simply didn't apply to her; they all focussed on past relationships and she had none.
She tried another,,and again encountered the same problems. Another quiz, the same problem. Eventually she gave up on the quizzes.
Instead, she turned to support pages. Forums became her best friend and she poured over post after post of people who had the same question as her. At least she wasn't alone in her questioning.
Some people tried to help. One stated, 'You don't have to label yourself.' She knew she didn't but she wanted to know for herself. In the end, the reassurance was useless.
Another said, 'Only you can know how you feel,' which really doesn't help when you are doubting yourself and want answers.
It was on one of the many forums that she first encountered the stigma against bisexuality. After racing home from school, she signed on to the forums after several days of not checking. She quickly scrolled to the newest replies, and there she saw her first negative comment.
It read in large letters, 'Bisexuals are greedy. They just want to have sex with everyone.'
Her lips pulled into a frown and with shaking hands she began to type back, 'I've only just turned 15. I don't want to have sex with anyone! I just want to understand how I feel so I get can stop feeling so uncertain.'
After a brief moment of hesitation, she hit enter and post was out in the world. She hated arguing with anyone, never mind a stranger.
Another reply came in, this one from a different person. 'Please. Bisexuality doesn't exist. You're probably just a lesbian that doesn't want to admit it.'
Her frown quickly turned into a scowl and she smashed the keys as she typed, 'No, I wouldn't care if I was a lesbian. I just know that I like boys but I also think girls are hot. I wanted to know if this made me bi.'
She glared at the screen. In her frustration, she deactivated her account.
For a few years, she ignored her questioning. When she turned 17, she began to get interested in sex. She wasn't ready to lose her virginity to anyone but she began to have sexual fantasies. She would lie in bed imagining herself having sex with handsome male celebrities she had seen in films.
As man after man filtered into her fantasies she began using the label 'straight' more and more. It still didn't feel right but she was too uncertain to use bisexual. She also began to notice the unconscious stigma against bisexuality that existed; when she filled out forms she could either put heterosexual or homosexual. After a while she didn't want to put bisexual in case people thought she had been hiding in the past.