You're the Only One I Know Who's Read Howl Forty Times

Rory's POV

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Gilmore Girls. The song used in this fic is "Hold On" by B*Witched; I heard it on a soundtrack, I forget which, and I thought it would work perfectly for this.

A/N: I hope you all like this. It's probably just a one-chapter thing, unless I get lots of reviews asking me to continue, because I can't think of anything else for it right now. But if anyone has any ideas, for this or another fic, I'd be happy to hear them! This is set after Rory kissed Jess at Sookie's wedding, but Shane doesn't exist and there was no Washington D.C. trip for Rory. Other than that it's mostly AU, though Teach Me Tonight and all the other stuff with Jess that happened earlier did happen. (Did that make any sense? Sorry if it didn't.) The song is supposed to be in bold italics, but when I update it, some of the italics and bold works and some doesn't, I don't know why. I think you can tell what's the song and what's the story; sorry if it's confusing! Please review, and thanks for reading this!   ~Arianna

I don't know what I'm doing. I see Dean every day, he kisses me, I kiss him back. But I kissed Jess, and he doesn't know that. And I just don't know…

You've always been a tough girl

But you feel you're about to break

You're feeling stuck

And out of luck

Watching your dreams all slip away.

It was great, kissing Jess. When I saw him, I couldn't help it. I really, really missed him. I mean, when he left, after New York—I thought I was never going to see him again. Everyone hated him because of what happened, and no one understands that it wasn't his fault, except Luke. Not even Lorelai. I wish people could realize that if something bad happens when I'm with Jess, there's an equal possibility that it's my fault.

Been working mornings in the kitchen

Working nights at the corner store

As your life flies by

You wonder why

And you know that there's got to be something more.

I see Jess too, and I know he sees me, and it leaves me wondering why he came back and why he was at Sookie's wedding. What am I gonna do if Luke doesn't let him stay? I've got Dean, right? But do I really? Do I still love him the way I used to…and why is Luke's nephew who likes to read and thinks he's too cool for school making me ask myself that question?

Hold on

But don't hold too tight

Let go

It's gonna be all right

Don't run away from what your heart

Is saying.

I have to talk to him sometime. But what am I going to say? Did that mean anything to him? He kissed me back…but what else was he going to do? I know he doesn't hate me. At least, he didn't before. And I'm starting to see that I like Jess. So…what can I say to Dean? I don't want to hurt him, don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt him by being with him when maybe I shouldn't be, when maybe I'm treating him really badly. I know Dean loves me. I just really don't want to do the wrong thing!

Be strong

Face what you're afraid of

Come on

Show them what you're made of.

I know it's hard when your hope is gone

But you've got to keep holding on.

It can't be right to be with Dean when I feel this way about Jess. It's not that I don't like Dean, of course I do. I even love him…just not the way I did. If he broke up with me now, I know I'd be upset, but I wouldn't cry the way I did that first time. Then I really, really did love him, even if, for a while, I couldn't say it. I wonder how Jess feels. Maybe I should just talk to him. I have to know, we have to talk.

You hear a voice that's calling

And it's telling you to make a change

It's time to fly

And say goodbye

And move on to a better place.

Tomorrow. I'm going to Luke's, going to sit at the counter, and going to talk to Jess. I need to know…what he thought. What he thinks. Maybe…why he moved back. When I cut school that day, to see him in New York—except, of course, for missing my mom's graduation, that was a really great day. And when I got back, my mom asked me if I was falling for Jess. Maybe I was. I said no. But I think I am now. And I guess I have to do something about it.

You know you've got to take the first step

To get to where you wanna be

Just get on track

And don't look back.

'Cause it's the only way that you're gonna be free.

[next day]

I did it. I went in, and ordered coffee. My mom was still at home. Then Jess came downstairs, and I had to stop myself from leaving.

"Jess?" I said. "Can we talk?"

"Okay," he replied. I followed him into the storage room. We stood there and looked at each other. It was hard. I couldn't say anything.

"Rory?" he finally said.

"Why did you come back?"

"You already asked me that." He started to leave. "I told you, I just wanted to."

I grabbed his arm, suddenly, and pulled him back. "I have to know why, Jess!"

"Why?"

I looked away. "Please."

"Tell me why you did it." I knew what he meant. I knew my answer, but I didn't know how to say it.

Hold on

But don't hold too tight

Let go

It's gonna be all right

Don't run away from what your heart

Is saying.

"Jess…I…" How do I say this?

"Tell me, Rory. You kissed me. Tell me." He was good at hiding what he was thinking, really good, but I heard a flash of pain in his voice before he covered it.

"Jess!"

"Rory," he said. He wasn't going to give up.

"Did it mean anything to you?" I asked softly. I was scared. What if he said it hadn't? What if he said it had? I didn't know what I wanted. I used to be able to talk to him, before I kissed him. About books, about homework, about Luke. And now…what can I do? He's not my boyfriend; he can't break my heart, can he? I don't know, but I don't think he will. I have to say this, or nothing will ever happen.

Be strong

Face what you're afraid of

Come on

Show them what you're made of.

I know it's hard when your hope is gone

But you've got to keep holding on.

"That depends on why you did it," Jess answered. I looked right into his brown eyes.

"Because I like you," I said. "Because I missed you. Because I don't know anyone else who's read Howl forty times. Jess…did it mean anything to you?"

He put his hands in his pockets. "I guess it did. Yeah." Does he mean it? I realized I was shaking. "Why do you think I kissed you back?" I didn't know why. I felt like I didn't know anything. I still had Dean. If Dean even knew I was talking to Jess like this…I knew how it felt. I didn't want Dean to cry because of me.

Hold on

You're gonna make it

You're gonna be stronger

Hold on

Hang in there baby

Just a little bit a-longer

Jess stepped closer to me. "Did it mean anything to you, Rory?"

"Yeah. It did."

"Rory, I crashed your car. The car that Dean made you. I broke your wrist. I made you miss your mom's graduation. I know it. You know it. So why?"

"Were you glad I came to New York?" I had to know.

"Yes," he said at last.

"Jess…the car, my wrist. The graduation. It wasn't your fault. It didn't hurt." The wrist hadn't really. Knowing that everyone hated Jess, that maybe he hated me and he was leaving, that had.

Hold on

Yeah, you're gonna be fine

Don't give up, be strong.

When the going gets tough you've got to hold on.

"Yeah right," he said. I couldn't help myself. I had to do it. It was either do this or forget it, forget even talking to Jess again. I leaned forward and kissed Jess. And then he put his arms around me and he was kissing me back again. It…it felt, just for that second, like I was flying.

Hold on

But don't hold too tight

Let go

It's gonna be all right

Don't run away from what your heart

Is saying.

I pulled away, and he said, "Of course. You kiss another guy, me, usually, but then you stop and you run back to your boyfriend. And Dean's waiting for you, because he knows it's the other guy's fault, right?" I was hurt for a second, but I looked up, and I saw tears in Jess' eyes. I knew there was no way he was going to cry there, now. Still.

"No," I said. "No, I'm…" This was it. "I'm not running back to Dean. I kissed you, Jess. I know it and I'm glad I did it." Anyone else who knew me, if they heard that, would say 'that's not Rory!' It was scary, to say it, but worth it. And now I didn't know what to do.

Be strong

Face what you're afraid of

Come on

Show them what you're made of

I know it's hard when your hope is gone

But you've got to keep holding on.

Jess just stared at me.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I said. This felt right. I was more than glad I'd done it. Jess reached out and pulled me close.

"I'm glad you did too," he admitted. "I like you, Rory. I guess you know that." I smiled.

"Uh huh. I do."

"Hey," he said, noticing the look on my face. "What's wrong?" I couldn't tell him; I didn't want to hurt him. "Oh," he realized. "You're still with Dean."

"He didn't do anything wrong, Jess."

"Nothing?"

"Well, he blamed you. For the crash."

"Everyone did."

"They shouldn't have." I met Jess' eyes, didn't look away, couldn't look away.

Hold on

But don't hold too tight

Let go

You're gonna be all right

Don't run away from what your heart

Is saying.

"What are you gonna do?" Jess asked me.

"I'm gonna figure something out. I have to. I wanna go slow…I know what it feels like. When someone breaks your heart."

"So do I," Jess said softly.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Thanks for coming back," I said, leaning on Jess. He put his arm around me.

"Why do you think I did?" he said. He grinned at me. And I, very happy, despite everything, grinned back. Jess Mariano and Rory Gilmore. I liked that. I can do this.

Be strong

Face what you're afraid of

Come on

Show them what you're made of

I know it's hard when your hope is gone

I know it's hard when your hope is gone

But you've got to keep…

Yeah

Holding on.

Hold on.

THE END (I think! Again, please review. Thanks! ~Arianna)HoHo