February 23

Deduction has always come to me so easily, but when it comes to myself I can barely muddle through the things that I am feeling. Love is a useless emotion that clouds the judgment of even the best men; and I see it so much in the people around me. I never understood how or why this was so, that is until now.

I thought that I knew what love felt like when I met Miss Adler. Her presence and interest in me made me feel like butterfly's were constantly in my abdomen, and when I thought her dead I felt that my world would no longer be the same. That is not but a mere infatuation compared to what I feel right now.

I am sitting here in this run down, mice infested flat; waiting and counting down until I can go home again. All I can do is sit here and think, and try to deduce when I happened. I remember the exact moment that I truly realized I am in love, but as I reflect more and more I realize that I really have always loved my soldier. He is the only person to know who and what I am without running away or thinking me inhuman. He praised me for what others thought was a sick joke. No one has ever appreciated me like he does. But the moment I realized all of this is when Moriarty threatened the live of all those whom I care about. The first person I thought of was, "John," and I knew then and there that I would do whatever it took to keep him alive. And I did; I jumped from that building knowing that this would hurt John, but at least he would live.

March 19

I have started to follow John though the streets of London. I think he suspects, I can see him looking around trying to find the culprit. I may be a beginner at love, but at tracking and hiding I am no amateur.

He visits my grave at least every other day and I can see that this burden is weighing on him. He is disheveled and looks as though he has not slept in days. One more week and I will go to him; he can punch, yell, and even storm away from me, but he will know how I feel.

One more week.

March 26

I don't know what to do with my life any more. Lestrade and Mycroft are here, they won't leave my side. I think they are afraid. Afraid that the moment they leave I am going to off myself.

I saw John today. I was following him like normal and he headed to St. Bart's. I should have followed him inside, but I knew I would be recognized and today I was revealing myself to John alone. I sat on a bench outside and what I say next was unimaginable. I saw my Dear John on the ledge above mere seconds before he jumped. My heart stopped as he fell, and I ran, and ran but I did not get there in time, though there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I could not form a coherent thought until I heard a strangled gasp from the man at my feet.

"Why John, Why," I choked through sobs. The last words I heard from the only person I have ever and will ever love were, "because I wanted to see you one last time." I could not grasp what was happening, it could not be real, but I held him as I watched the light slowly fade from his beautiful eyes. We would never get to have a future together, there was so much that we were still meant to do.

How will I go on?

March 29

Mycroft is making me go to the flat to find a place for his things. I do not want to go to the flat, I do not want to see the memories that we made there, or be reminded of the things that I have now lost, but I go anyways.

Every room is empty now but one; I would not allow Mycroft and his men near John's room. This was too personal. I stood outside his room for nearly an hour trying to get myself to go in but I could not bear the thought of wiping the last traces of my love from this flat. When I finally walk in I am assailed with the scent of him. Everything in his room screams John. I can't hold it in anymore and I break down into sobs on his bed. As I shift on the mattress I hear a crackling.

There is a letter on his pillow. I sit up clutching this last piece of John trying to clear my eyes so I can see, and what I see breaks my heart because he knew I was alive but still jumped.

Sherlock,

I know that it seems hard, like there is no longer a future for you, but there is. This world needs a mind like yours; there is no one else on this planet like you. You have to save this world from itself.

No matter what happens, you have to promise me you will help wherever and whenever you can. I know you do not see yourself as a good guy but you truly are. I know of no one who would sacrifice as much as you to protect those around them.

Just remember that I love you, and I always have.

Love always,

John

And so I know now what I must do, I must become one of the Angels.