Heavy Burden to Bear
OK this is a pinch hit from the PYOP challenge on the Chit Chat forum. The assignment was originally for Hotch/Prentiss but I have written it as a 'friendship'(?) pairing for Rossi and Morgan; basically because I got the idea when I saw the prompt before I saw the original pairing. Hope you like it.
. . . . . . . . .
Derek had already begun to switch off. It was the best part of the flight home; being able to clear his mind and not take any of his BAU baggage into his Mom's house. He had long ago promised that the demons he faced daily would not enter his true home. As he switched his iPod on and stared out the window at the tarmac the last case and his colleagues begun to slip out of his head, down time; he planned to make the most of his time back home and he started to make mental list of the things he planned to accomplish. So to say he was annoyed by the arrival of a passenger next him was an understatement, though he shouldn't assume that he would always get away with not sharing. Morgan usually took the latest flight he could so that the plane was near empty, he knew flying earlier risked the plan being busier but he never thought it would be this busy. Looking round to see who he had the pleasure of sharing his flight home with he was speechless.
"Good evening Derek, it's great to see you too." Rossi said his voice dripping with sarcasm. He didn't need to be a profiler to see how pissed his younger colleague was at the thought of spending the duration of the flight with him. He had to admit he hadn't exactly been happy himself as he had made his way to his seat and recognised Morgan sitting there already. The last case had lead to cross words as they had disagreed about aspects of the profile, Rossi approach and in the end just about everything to do with the case; the highlight being Morgan publically blaming Rossi for the death of the final victim.
"What the . . .?" Morgan spat at Rossi, who interrupted before he could finish.
"Now, now SSA Morgan there are young children on the flight, I'm sure we can remain professional for the duration, even if you couldn't during the last case." Rossi saw a fresh wave of anger ripple over Morgan as he added the dig at his behaviour earlier in the week. Morgan tugged his headphones off and glared at Rossi as he took his seat. "The way I see it is we are stuck here together so let's try and pretend we are adults." Rossi's smile was sickly sweet and Morgan just wanted to wipe it off his face.
"Personally I have nothing to say to you. Not now and if I had my way, not never. So shut up and leave me alone and I'll do the same." Morgan growled his warning.
Rossi raised his eyebrow.
"You really should see someone about your anger issues; maybe I should recommend a psych evaluation when we get back to work." He knew he was winding Morgan up but he just couldn't help himself. He hadn't forgiven him for trying make him feel guilty about the death of little Chloe Fields. If he was honest with Morgan he would tell him that he had felt personally responsible for her death even before Morgan had declared his responsibility to everyone at the crime scene.
"Try it, smartarse." Morgan was determined not to take the bait. He had courage in his convictions if Rossi had not insisted on doing things his way Chloe may well still be alive. He had deliberately antagonised the UnSub for a reaction and he got one, the horrific death of a seven year old girl. What made it worse, in his mind, was that Rossi hadn't had the guts to do his dirty work himself. No he had sent JJ out in her role as Media Liaison to deliver the message for him. Now JJ was home, with her young son, full of the belief that what she had said had left a mother childless. Bastard.
They sat in silence through take off. Morgan back to staring out the window but instead of relaxing and switching off he was concentrating on keeping his temper and not giving Rossi another piece of his mind. Alongside him Rossi was reading. Morgan looked at him, how did he sleep at night? Derek knew if he had made a call like that, well he wouldn't be kicking back catching up on some light reading.
"Can I help you Agent Morgan?" Rossi asked aware that he was being watched.
"Yeah you can explain which part of your stupid idea you thought was going to work? Or how about the part that involves you always being right just because you have been there and done it all before and the views of the rest of the team mean Jack to you?" Morgan could feel the anger rising again.
Rossi slowly closed his book and looked at Morgan who was staring intently at him.
"Look Derek as you raise further through the ranks you will realise that you have to take a gamble sometimes to get a result. I took that gamble and I was wrong. Very wrong, for which I am very sorry, more so than you will ever realise. But we cannot assume that what the team did got her killed. It was highly unlikely we would have been able to rescue her. We had no leads, nothing."
"What the team did! The team did nothing! You made JJ read the statement you prepared. She has gone home with a whole heap of guilt on her shoulders which you are responsible for." Morgan couldn't believe the arrogance of this guy. Ok he was one of the original profilers, without guys like Rossi there would be no BAU but that didn't give him the right to run rough shot over everyone else.
"What can I say that will appease you? I am sorry for my part in the result we ended up with, but you've been in this game long enough to know we cannot save everyone. Every case has casualties it's the hard reality of what we do." Rossi was starting to get pissed with Morgan's constant need to blame him, they were all there. No-one else had a better idea. He knew it was a risk as you can never be 100% sure how an UnSub will react. Criminal Psychology was not an exact science – educated guesses were the best any of them could offer.
"We should have been able to save her, he gave us enough clues."
"Then why didn't you Hot Shot? Or is that what this boils down to. In your eyes you failed so let's find someone else to take it out on, coz after all SSA Derek Morgan can't be at fault." Rossi had had enough this ended now or it was going to spill over into the next case and keep rearing up in each case after.
What Rossi said had cut Derek to his very core. He knew what Rossi said was the truth. He looked away without answering him. Back to the clouds outside. It was easier to blame Rossi for everything than face the fact that the team had failed to make the connections in time. That he had failed to come up with another solution. The guilt burned, as it did after any case that they hadn't solved as quickly and painlessly as possible. You couldn't help but get emotionally involved, no matter how removed you tried to be, behind the masks they were all human. This job was a serial killer in its own right; Morgan could name more victims than he cared to think about . . . Elle . . . Jason . . . who would be next. Each case took a piece of them either physically or mentally. Garcia had been shot by Battle, Reid held hostage by Hankel, Prentiss had be beaten by Cyrus, Hotch had lost Hayley. The list could go on. Going home was his escape his way to deal with everything to recuperate come back and carry on, but for how long could he carry on? How long before it all finally beat him?
"What made you come back? You'd left all this, why start again?" Morgan could not understand.
"Unfinished business, you know that" Rossi didn't even look up from his book; he couldn't be bothered any longer.
"But you dealt with that so why stay?"
"You trying to get rid of me now?" Rossi lowered the book slightly.
"No I'm trying to understand you."
"Profiling me!" Rossi smirked.
"If that's what you want to call it, I prefer to think of it as getting to know a colleague."
"Is that the world's worse attempt at an apology?"
"What you want me to do beg for your forgiveness? Sorry I was a little harsh in my judgements of you in the last case, but I stand by what I said it was the wrong call."
"The BAU is my drug, my addiction. I keep promising myself one last fix then I'm out but then the next case arrives and I'm sucked straight back in. No will power. I'm beginning to think my only way out is the same as any addict . . . in a box"
Morgan sat contemplating what he said for the rest of the flight. Was it going to be the same for him? Was there a sane route out of the BAU or would they all end up dead or driven insane?