The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is off to a restaurant. This is just more pointless madness from my mind. BEWARE THE MADNESS!
The Curious Case of The Everlasting Enchilada
The madness began as it usually did. In the Membrane household with Dib talking. "Seriously Gaz! I need your help to tape my shows and stuff!" Dib followed his sister into the living room. "I'm going to be on an assignment from the Swollen Eyeballs for the next few days so I need your help."
"Again with the Swollen Eyeballs?" Gaz sighed. "This isn't gonna be like the Doctor Falkie incident again is it?"
"No, it's not. This is a real assignment given to me just now by Agent Darkbootie himself," Dib told her. "My contact is going to be here any minute to pick me up."
"Hmmm, you out of the house for a few days. Okay I guess it's worth listening to two minutes of your stupidity," Gaz sighed. "Where are you going?"
"I don't know. It's a very top secret…" Dib began.
"On second thought. Never mind. I don't care," Gaz interrupted.
"Oh! I forgot my Dirty Chicken Grappling Hook!" Dib realized. He ran into his room.
"Maybe you can use it to shut your mouth so I don't have to listen to your annoying voice?" Gaz yelled after him. The doorbell rang. "I guess I'll get the door. If only to get Dib out of the house faster."
She wasn't happy when she answered it.
"You again?" Gaz glared at Montressori, the dark cloaked Italian gourmet vampire. "What are you doing here?"
"I've come for your help," Montressori entered the room. "The Swollen Eyeballs sent me."
"You're my contact?" Dib asked as he ran up to him. "Wait do the Swollen Eyeballs know you're a vampire?"
"Only Darkbootie and the highest level members," Montressori explained. "As I told you before most vampires have no interest in eating humans since the 60's. Pretty much gave up human blood for really good gourmet food and a good glass of wine. A nice Merlot would hit the spot right now."
"Wait a minute. If you're a vampire how come you can enter our house without anyone inviting you?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.
"Because that part is a total myth. In fact a lot of so called facts about vampires are myths," Montressori said. "Like the part about us biting people to become vampires. I mean really? If that was true don't you think there'd be a lot more vampires around here? Like half the population would become vampires and we'd take over or something?"
"That does make sense," Dib blinked.
"Believe me there are a lot of people I would love to turn into vampires if I could," Montressori snorted. "If I could I'd have turned Sophia Loren into one years ago. Va Va Va Voom Baby!"
"Who?" Dib blinked.
"Before your time," Montressori sighed. "The point is we can't do that. We can see our reflection in the mirror. And we're not allergic to garlic. We're not big fans of aruglua and uncooked onions but that's more of a digestive issue."
"Oh," Gaz said. "And the sunlight and silver poisoning?"
"Yeah those are real. Let's get down to the mission shall we?" Montressori sighed.
"Fine you two go play secret agent…" Gaz began to walk away.
"Actually Gaz I wouldn't mind if you joined us, seeing how dangerous this mission is," Montressori told her.
"What kind of mission is this that you want to put my little sister in danger?" Dib blinked.
"We are going to need all our help in order to get this!" Montressori pulled out a cube and turned it on. There was a 3 D image of a piece of food shown.
"Whoa! That's a real hologram projector! Like all the top spies use! I saw them use it on 'Paranormal Spy Gadgets' last week!" Dib gasped. "How cool is that?"
"It looks like a burrito," Gaz frowned.
"It is not a burrito," Montressori corrected. "It's an enchilada."
"So basically this mission is for us to get you take out?" Gaz raised an eyebrow. "What? You want the kid's meal but you're too embarrassed to ask for it yourself?"
"No. This is no ordinary enchilada. This is the legendary Everlasting Enchilada of Enquentata!" Montressori explained. "Legend has it twenty thousand years ago, during the height of the great Incan civilization, there was a horrible famine that threatened the mysterious Incan City of Dinkadoo. Enquentata, the sorceress queen of that city created this Enchilada to feed her people. The more you bite into it, the bigger it grows. And it's always fresh and tasty! Like it was made just five minutes ago. Or so the legend says."
"So, we're going to find the lost city of Dinkadoo?" Dib said.
"No. It was already found last week," Montressori said. "Unfortunately it was found by the Canadian Culinary Conspiracy. You see this group's main goal is for Canada to be known as the greatest culinary leader in the world."
"And our job is to stop them?" Dib blinked.
"Yes! The Swollen Eyeballs along with the International Gourmet Society wants the enchilada to develop a cure for world hunger," Montressori explained. "Think what this means! No more will drought and famine plague the planet! People all over the world can feast for mere pennies! No one will go hungry again! Skool lunches will actually be edible and the board of education will save a fortune! Think of the possibilities!"
"Skool lunches edible? Wow and people call me crazy," Dib blinked.
"It's not crazy! I just got intelligence less than an hour ago that by a stroke of luck the CCC have moved the Everlasting Enchilada to a vault hidden under one of their most powerful fortresses!"
He showed them another image. "That looks just like the Carl's Canadian Camp hamburger joint downtown," Dib blinked.
"It is the Carl's Canadian Camp hamburger joint downtown," Montressori explained. "Don't be fooled. Those places are fronts in the battle for world domination! But this particular one has the Everlasting Enchilada. And we need to get it!"
"Let me see if I get this straight," Gaz gave him a look. "You want us to help you find some twenty thousand year old Mexican food in the middle of a Canadian Restaurant so the Swollen Eyeballs can find a way to end world hunger? Pass!"
"If you help me I'll treat you to pizza at Bloaty's Pizza Hog," Montressori offered.
"Let's roll!" Gaz did a turnaround and grabbed Dib, dragging him out the door.
"Thought that would do it," Montressori remarked.
Soon…
"It looks like the place is closed for cleaning," Dib said as the three of them looked through binoculars across the street in a bush.
"Look again! See those ninja beaver guards? We have to find a way to get past them!" Montressori pointed.
"I thought those were guys in costumes?" Gaz asked.
"No, they're real ninja beavers," Montressori remarked. "I can provide a distraction but you two have to get inside and find the enchilada."
"I am spending my Saturday night with my brother and a vegetarian vampire in a bush planning on stealing an enchilada from some ninja beavers," Gaz said. "I have got to find some new people to hang out with."
"I have a plan!" Dib said.
"Of course you do," Gaz sighed.
Twenty minutes later inside the kitchen of the Carl's Canadian Camp….
"I gotta admit Dib, that was a pretty inventive plan," Gaz remarked as she and Dib entered the restaurant wearing Royal Canadian Mounted Police uniforms complete with the hat. "Where did you get that mutant hamster anyway?"
"It's a funny story," Dib said. "I was looking around Zim's trash the other day and…"
"Never mind!" Gaz cut him off. "I think I can figure out the rest."
"Come in Montressori," Dib took out a communication device on his wrist. "Moth Man and Game Girl are in the building."
"Game Girl?" Gaz looked at him.
"Your codename," Dib said. "You know, because you play so many video games. You don't like it?"
"Hmmm, actually it's not as lame as the stuff you usually come up with," Gaz shrugged. "Okay. Game Girl it is. Now what do we do?"
"You have to find the entrance to the secret lair!" Montressori said. "I'll guide you from here."
"Great now where is the entrance to the secret lair?" Dib looked around.
"I'm gonna take a guess and say it's this way," Gaz pointed to a door marked SECRET LAIR ENTRANCE in big bold letters.
"How'd I miss that?" Dib blinked.
"Come on!" Gaz dragged him through the door.
"Just be careful Gaz. There could be…" Dib warned.
Suddenly they were shooting down a shoot through a trap door. "TRAP DOORS!" Dib screamed.
"Yeah, figured that out," Gaz sighed annoyed.
They landed in a dark room. "Welcome intruders! So you were resourceful enough to bypass the ninja beavers," A figure in a darkened room hissed. Only his silhouette was shown. "But this is as far as you go! This darkness shall consume you! This…"
CLICK!
"Hey boss why are all the lights out?" Two henchmen walked in.
"Oh great! Thanks a lot!" The leader snapped. He was a scrawny balding man with bug eyes wearing glasses and a suit. "Are you kidding me?"
"Sorry boss we didn't realize you had company," One of the henchmen shuffled his feet.
"I was using the darkness for dramatic effect!" The leader yelled. "You ruined the moment!"
"Oh sorry Josh. Do you want us to turn the lights off?" The other henchman asked.
"No Steve, I don't want you to turn the lights off! It's a little late for that!" Josh snapped. "Ugh. Next time knock before you enter a room! Okay?"
"Sorry. We didn't know," Steve shuffled his feet.
"For crying out loud…" Josh turned back to them. "Look sorry about that. It's usually not so unorganized. But we've had some staff changes and some reorganization of our management. You know how those things go?"
"Yeah uh so do you have the Everlasting Enchilada?" Dib blinked.
"Oh yeah we got it right…" Steve pointed behind.
"STEVE! THEY'RE TRESSPASSERS! YOU DON'T TELL TRESSPASSERS OUR SECRETS!" Josh yelled.
"Oh right. Sorry. My bad," Steve blinked.
"I swear if you weren't my brother in law…" Josh snarled. He turned to Dib and Gaz. "Again. Sorry for the unprofessional attitude here. He's very new and…"
"Don't worry about it," Gaz said.
"Yeah it's not a problem," Dib nodded.
"Okay, now where were we?" Josh asked.
"Darkness shall consume us…" Dib prompted.
"Oh right. We can skip the metaphor I made for intruders. And it was a really good one too! Thanks a lot Steve!" Josh snapped. "Basically the gist of it is that you aren't going to get the Everlasting Enchilada. You will never see it."
"Hey Josh you have got to try this Everlasting Enchilada!" Another henchman walked in munching on something that grew back. "This stuff is really good!"
"Oh for crying out loud! Toby! What did I say about handling company property?" Josh yelled. "Did anyone pay attention to the training manual the other day? Clearly not! Because this violates all kinds of rules here!"
"You kids want a bite? This is really good stuff!" Toby gave Dib the Everlasting Enchilada.
"Yum! Hey this is good!" Dib took a big bite. "Gaz you gotta try this!"
"Seriously! I can't believe you did that!" Josh screamed. "Toby you moron! What did you do that for?"
"I thought the kid wanted a bite," Toby asked.
"You know for a twenty thousand year old piece of food this tastes pretty fresh," Gaz remarked as she took another bite. The enchilada reformed.
"Yeah and it keeps growing back," Dib pointed out.
"Uh yeah! That's why it's called the Everlasting Enchilada!" Josh shouted as he grabbed it from Gaz. "Seriously! Okay after we take care of this we are going to have another meeting and another long review of procedures and…"
That's when Gaz kicked him hard in the shin. "YEOWWW!"
She grabbed the enchilada. "Dib! Take it!" Gaz said throwing it to Dib. "Let's get out of here!"
"You're not going anywhere!" Josh yelled. With a roar he transformed into a giant wolf man. So did his henchmen. "GET THEM!"
"Well this is an interesting wrinkle," Gaz remarked.
"Run for it!" Dib yelled. The children ran from the werewolves.
"You kids better stop! Do you have any idea how many forms I have to write about this incident already? THREE!" Josh yelled.
"Agent Moth Man to Montressori! Come in Montressori!" Dib cried out on the communicator. He took a bite from the enchilada. "Come on!"
"Montressori here. Did you get the enchilada?" Montressori asked.
"Yeah. By the way…You could have mentioned that this restaurant was run by WEREWOLVES!" Dib screamed as he ran for his life.
"Oh you didn't know?" Montressori asked innocently. "I thought it was common knowledge that werewolves were behind the Canadian Fast Food Empire?"
"Dib we have got to find you some different people to hang out with!" Gaz snapped as she punched one werewolf in the snout that got too close.
"Hang onto my back Gaz!" Dib instructed as he pulled something out with his free hand. "DIRTY CHICKEN GRAPPLING HOOK GO!"
Gaz jumped on his back just as Dib shot the grappling hook at a nearby pipe. He pulled him and his sister up and swung them into an elevator. "HA!" Dib pulled the grappling hook toy in and shut the elevator door just in time before one of the werewolves hit the door.
"Gotta admit that thing is handy," Gaz shrugged. Then she grabbed the enchilada. She took a bite and ate. "This thing is pretty tasty too. Maybe tonight isn't such a waste of time after all?"
They finally emerged from the elevator and entered into the empty restaurant. Only it wasn't so empty. "HA! Should have taken the stairs! Not only is it healthier, it's faster!" Josh laughed as he and four other werewolves surrounded them.
"This is it Gaz, we're gonna have to fight our way out!" Dib prepared to fight. Gaz simply took another bite of the enchilada.
"RIDE THE PIG! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"What the…?" Josh turned around.
CRASH!
"YEAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gir was in his dog suit riding a giant pig and it crashed right through the restaurant. It not only made a huge hole in the wall and wrecked the place it landed right on top of Josh. "I'm riding a pig!"
"Or we could just wait for something completely random and unexpected to save us," Dib blinked.
"I was wrong. Tonight is completely stupid and a complete waste of time!" Gaz groaned.
"I've heard of Deus Ex Machina but never Deus Ex Pig," Dib blinked at the sight.
"Ride the pig!" Gir chirped cheerfully.
"Oh I am gonna need my sick day forms…" Josh moaned in pain as he pulled himself out from under the pig. "Night night…" He passed out on the floor.
"GIR! COME BACK HERE!" Zim ran through the hole in the wall wearing a bear suit. "I specifically need to tell you not to ride the pig! We need it for our plan!"
"AH HA! So Zim we meet again!" Dib stormed over to Zim.
"What are you doing here Dib Smell?" Zim snarled. "And what are you wearing?"
"I could ask you the same question! And I will! Even though I know the answer! Clearly you intended to capture the Everlasting Enchilada of Enquenata for yourself!" Dib pointed.
"The who-ee, what-ee of say what?" Zim blinked.
"Admit it! You are trying to take over the world!" Dib screamed and pointed at Zim.
"I don't know what you are talking about Dib Stinky Stink!" Zim snapped. "I have no plans to take over the Earth. Today."
"If this isn't part of a nefarious plan to take over the world then why are you wearing a bear suit?" Dib shouted.
"If this isn't a plot to thwart my nefarious plan which by the way I am not admitting I am plotting a nefarious plan…" Zim got in his face. "WHY ARE YOU DRESSED UP LIKE A MOUNTIE?"
"I have got to find some new people to hang out with," Gaz slapped her forehead.
"Oh man I don't wanna have to clean this up," One of the werewolves looked at the hole in the wall.
"Me neither. You know Josh is gonna have a cow about this when he wakes up," Another Werewolf grumbled.
"I dunno about you, but I'm calling in sick tomorrow," Steve the Werewolf told the others.
"Gaz! Dib! Are you all right?" Montressori entered the building through the hole in the wall. "What happened?"
"Zim happened," Gaz groaned as Zim and Dib faced off.
"Okay so maybe I did have a plan to take over the world tonight but I certainly didn't intend to do it here!" Zim admitted. "It was Gir that went crazy and…Gir!"
Gir had by now noticed the enchilada in Gaz's hand. "Must have food! Must have food or I'll explode!" Gir whimpered.
"HEY!" Gaz shouted as Gir grabbed the enchilada and swallowed it up in one bite.
"Uh oh…" Dib noticed Gir was rumbling. "That can't be good."
"BRLRWARBLBBLRERBGREEEBBBLRRRR!" Gir babbled as his metal stomach rumbled. Steam came out of his fake ears.
"HE'S GONNA BLOW!" A werewolf screamed.
"BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Gir opened his mouth and a huge amount of beans shot out of it.
"AAAAH! THE BEANS! THE BEANS ARE DROWNING ME IN THEIR BEANY MADNESS!" Zim screamed as the beans started to fill up the restaurant.
Gaz had managed to get to a tabletop and rode it along the beans like a life raft. Montressori used his vampire powers to land on it too. Zim, Dib and the werewolves were swamped in the beans.
"LRROAGHLEE GREANRGERAGERE!" Gir sputtered some more as more beans came from his mouth.
"OH MAN I AM DEFINITELY CALLING IN SICK TOMORROW!" Steve the Werewolf yelled.
"BURRRRRRRRRRRRRP!" Gir finally burped. Several spirits emerged from his mouth. Then the beans stopped. "I ate it all up!"
Everyone else dug themselves out of the beans and managed to stand on top of them. "WHAT WAS THAT?" Zim yelled.
"The end of the Everlasting Enchilada of Enquenada," Dib blinked. He glared at Zim. "YOU JERK! That thing was going to solve world hunger and now you've gone and destroyed it!"
"Uh technically that little green dog thing destroyed it," A werewolf pointed at Gir.
"Josh is so not gonna be happy tomorrow," Another werewolf said. "Maybe we should take the day off?"
"Wait if that thingamabob was supposed to be good for Earth and now Gir's destroyed it then…VICTORY! VICTORY FOR ZIM!" Zim cheered. "Zim has done it again!"
"I thought I did it?" Gir blinked. "I'm so confused."
"Well this whole night was stupid and pointless," Montressori groaned.
"Welcome to my world," Gaz told him.
"DIE ZIM!" Dib tackled Zim. Soon he and Zim were fighting among the beans.
Gir happily started eating the beans. "YUMMY!"
"What in the…?" Montressori blinked behind his spectacles.
"They're gonna do that for quite a while," Gaz said. "Ignore them."
"The Everlasting Enchilada is gone! What do I tell the Swollen Eyeballs?" Montressori moaned.
"We could always say it was Dib's fault," Gaz suggested.
"You really want him to take the blame and probably get kicked out of the Swollen Eyeballs?" Montressori gave her a look. "You must really want him to spend more time at home with you."
"Oh. Good point," Gaz blinked. "Okay how about Zim?"
"Ehhhh that would kind of be almost the same deal considering the Swollen Eyeballs knows those two hang out a lot," Montressori remarked. "How about your Dad? They'd believe he blew it up with one of his experiments. A lot of members aren't big fans of his and believe keeping Dib in the group ticks him off."
"What would they do to Dad if they found out?" Gaz asked.
"Send him a bunch of mutant ducks in the mail and blame it on one of his rivals," Montressori explained. "He really hates that."
"I have no problem with that," Gaz admitted. "Come on, let's go to Bloaty's."
"What about them?" Montressori pointed to Zim and Dib fighting in the background. They were currently hitting each other beans.
"Eh, we'll save some slices of pizza for them," Gaz shrugged.
"Hey can we come too?" One of the werewolves asked.
"Depends, are you going to pay?" Gaz asked.
"Yeah okay…" The werewolves agreed. They all went out for pizza while Zim and Dib fought. And Gir happily ate beans.