Gone
She's gone.
I know this, and yet… I still look for her. It has been so long, and yet I remember our last conversation like it was this morning. The others were all there, too… Of all of us, she is the one who died. She is the one who is lost to me forever.
And I wasn't even there when she died. I have to believe what I was told by the one person who really was there, and I am not sure if he told me the truth, or just what he thought I wanted to hear.
She's gone.
The others are worried about me now… They say I am sullen and withdrawn. How am I supposed to be? The woman I love is dead! They told me that her death was meaningful, and that, because of her sacrifice, others are now still alive. They can't know what this is like for me. I just want them to leave me alone and not try to comfort me anymore. I am dealing with this in my own way. It may not be the best way, but it is the only way that I have, so it is what I am going to use.
It's kinda funny… I mean, not funny in a comical way, but more in a strange sort of way. I left her at the altar so that I wouldn't kill her in some possible future, and now… Looking back… If I had married her then, and made that future come true, she would still be with me… She would still be alive. It just makes me wonder if I am not responsible for her death because I tried to spare her from another… I… I just don't know.
She's gone.
The only one who can possibly understand what I am going through would be Buffy, and she doesn't really seem to be too broken-hearted by loss of Spike. I think that may be because she and Spike were together in his last moments. Buffy refuses to talk about what happened down there, but she doesn't seem to be extremely upset by the fact that it happened. Then again, I don't know what she is like when no one is around…
She's gone.
In fact, when I first heard, I pretended to be strong. I pretended that I was glad we had defeated the First, and that it was finally over, and that we were all free to live our lives again, but… The depressing truth is that I was dying inside. I have died a little more each day since then. It didn't really sink in when Andrew first told me. It was just something that was being said… It wasn't really anything that had actually happened… Just one more of Andrew's stories.
She's gone.
But, it did happen. Anya really did get killed. Of all those involved in the fight, she was the one whom I believed was too stubborn to die. There is no sense in all of this. She could have run, but she stayed and fought. She fought because she believed it was the right thing to do, and not because she was seeking redemption for the things she had done in the past. It had nothing to do with a loyalty she felt to anyone, the way I felt a need to be fighting beside Buffy, Willow and Giles. She wasn't doing because she felt she had something to prove, either. She did it because it was part of the person she had become.
I tried to save her from certain death, because I love her, and I ended up sending her straight to it. But, I didn't really send her there, did I? I mean, it was her choice, right? I did not force her to fight. I didn't make her come back to Sunnydale, or choose to be a vengeance demon again, or to give up her demon abilities…. She made all of those decisions. Her. Not me. But… I can't help but wonder if I was part of the reason that she made such decisions. We were truly in love at one point in time. And, truth be told, if she had survived…
She's gone.
Oh, what does it matter? She's gone, and nothing can change that. I just have to go on with my life. I only hope I can find enough reason to actually do that. I wasn't aware how much she really means to me until she was gone, and it was too late. And so, I must go on, and hopefully learn from my mistake. Why? Because I have no choice. Because…
She's gone.