Prologue
As the title suggests, this story is a parody of The Three Musketeers, the classic novel by Alexander Dumas. But it's also a tribute to one of the most famous comedy teams of all time: Monty Python.
Now, Monty Python has done its fair share of parodies. But instead of imagining what Monty Python's take on the Musketeers would be, for this story a simplified plot of the Musketeers is just a convenient vehicle to take the action through a long succession of classic Monty Python sketches. True, it's not as original as a completely new story could be, but that's not the point here. The Monty Python team has become one of the greatest legends of comedy of all time, and is one of my all-time favorites. Putting so many classic Python sketches together into one complete story has been a labor of love for me, and I want to share it with other Monty Python fans out there.
In some cases, the sketches have been altered to fit into the surrounding plot and situation, but many other sketches are recreated word-for-word straight from the original source material. Therefore I want to make it absolutely clear right now that I fully acknowledge that the sketches presented herein are the property of Monty Python. I don't make any claims on these sketches, and I am in no way trying to profit from their works. This is merely a loving tribute to some of the greatest and most ground-breaking comedians of all time. If it turns out that I am in fact violating copyright or other such laws by posting this story on the internet, I will promptly remove it, no questions asked.
So unless there are any objections, we now bring you the first chapter of RC Gumby's newest production, The Three Musca-
"Um, excuse me."
- What? Who're you?
"Good morning, I was wondering about this story you've written. You say it's full of classic Monty Python sketches?"
Oh yes, full to bursting with them!
"Oh very good! Does it have the 'Crispy Duck with Orange Sauce and an Eggroll on the Side' sketch?"
. . . Uh, well I don't know that one.
"Not to worry. How about 'How to Fix a Flat Tire with a Corn Plaster'?"
. . . Which Python did that one?
"The Irish one. His name eludes me for the moment."
No, none of the Pythons were from Ireland.
"Oh, never mind. What about the Yorkshiremen?"
Ah yes, 'The Four Yorkshiremen'!
"No."
. . . I beg your pardon?
"No, 'The Three Yorkshiremen.'"
I think you'll find there were four of them.
"No-no, you're thinking of the sketch where they're reminiscing about tough childhoods. This is the 'Three Yorkshiremen' who debate the political ramifications of American-made sausages."
'Three Yorkshiremen who debate the political ramifications of American-made sausages' . . .
"Yes, I should've said."
Yes, well in that case, we don't have it.
"Funny, you've got a lot of sketches in here."
Yes we do, but we don't have 'The Three Yorkshiremen who debate the political ramifications of American-made sausages.'
"Are you quite sure?"
Quite.
"Not worth just looking?"
Definitely not.
"Well, how about 'Albatross'?"
Yes, well we have that.
"That's 'Alfred B. Tross,' the CPA with hair made out of steel wool."
Well in that case, the story doesn't have it.
"'Dennis Mower'? That's M-O-W-E-R?"
No.
"'Election Knight Special' with a K?"
No.
"How about 'The Flirty Dork'?"
Definitely not!
"Sorry to trouble you."
Not at all.
"Good morning."
Good morning.
"Oh!"
. . . Yes?
"I wonder if the story has 'Willy Salks'?"
And what exactly is that sketch about?
"It's about a man who visits the head of a government ministry, in hopes of financing his project to create a bizarre means of walking."
And the ministry head has own bizarre means of walking?
"Yes."
You mean 'Silly Walks'!
"No, 'Willy Salks.' That's the name of the man, he designs robots with too many legs."
No, the story doesn't have 'Willy Salks,' a man who designs robots with too many legs! And perhaps to save time, I should add that it doesn't have 'Billy Falks,' the man with three ears, or 'Lilly Talks,' a woman who speaks only in rhyming couplets, or even 'Bruces,' with four O's and a silent Q! Why don't you try FictionPress?
"I did. They sent me here."
. . . Did they . . .
"I wonder - "
Oh, do go on, please!
"Does your story have the 'Mr. and Mrs. Ken B. F. Washboard Go Out for a Football Match But Get Attacked by Cannibals and End Up in a TV Interview with a Clone of James Whicker' sketch?"
. . . No, we don't have that. Funny, we've got a lot of sketches in this story. Well, I mustn't keep you here any longer!
"Uh, does it have - "
No it doesn't.
"Uh, but what about - "
No, the site's going down for maintenance now. I'll just hyperlink you to -
"I-I saw it over there! I saw it!"
- What? What?
"I saw it over there! The opening sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail!"
. . . The opening sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
"Yes."
H-O-L-Y?
"Yes."
G-R-A-I-L?
"Yes."
. . . Yes, well we do have that, as a matter of fact -
"The expurgated version."
. . . . . . Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
"The expurgated version."
'Expurgated' version of the opening sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
"The one without the cocoanuts."
The - one without th-! The cocoanuts are the whole point! You couldn't even do the damn sketch without them!
"Well, I don't like cocoanut! It gets stuck in my teeth!"
. . . All right! I'll remove it! [delete-delete-delete] Any other sketches you don't like?
"I don't like the Architect Sketch!"
The Architect? Right, the Architect! [delete-delete-delete] There you are, any others you don't like? Any others?
"The Dead Parrot!"
Right! The dead parrot, dead parrot – ah! [delete-delete-delete] There you are! No parrots, no architects, no cocoanuts, there's your story!
"I can't read this, it's got plot holes in it!"
AAAAAAAGGHH!
"I wonder if - "
Go on, ask me anything! There's lots of sketches in this story, it's a Monty Python tribute!
"How about 'Biggles Eats Lemon Curry'?"
No, no, it doesn't have that one, funny!
"'The Dead Bishop Reads the Paris Telephone Directory'?"
No-no-no! Try me again!
"Uh . . oh I know! 'Mr. Creosote Gets Thirty Years to Life'!"
No, no-no – What-what!
"'Mr. Creosote Gets Thirty Years to Life!'"
. . . Mr. Creosote - Ha! HAHAHAHAHA! I've got it! I've seen it somewhere – AHAHAHAHA! I know I have! . . . Seen it somewhere – YES! Yes, here we are! 'Mr. Creosote Gets Thirty Years to Life'! There's your sketch! Now, read it!
"I don't have an internet provider!"
I'll email it to you!
"I don't have email!"
You can get it through your phone company!
"I don't have a telephone!"
You can get internet at the library!
"My town doesn't have a library!"
Right! I'll SNAIL MAIL it to you! There you are, I've printed it out, I'm stuffing it in an 8-by-11 envelope, all postage pre-paid, priority mail, you should get it within -
"Wait - wait - wait!"
WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT!
"I can't read!"
. . . You can't read . . . you don't have internet access . . . email . . . THEN HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET TO THIS WEB PAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
"If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off." [logs off]
. . . . . .
. . . Well, that's quite enough of that. Coming soon, the first chapter of The Three Muscatels, a special tribute to Monty Python. Hope you enjoy it!
. . . . . .
Lemon curry?