A/N: My first attempt at ATU fanfiction...hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, or anything for that matter, from Across The Universe

The clouds swirled from one shape to another above his head

The clouds swirled from one shape to another above his head. Blue emptiness reflected from his dark brown eyes back into the world. Jude tried not to think. Thinking led to pain, pain so insufferable that food lost taste and breathing lost a purpose.

It had been six weeks since she had left him. Six weeks, and he still couldn't get his act together. The woman who gave him a reason to live had left him after giving him an ultimatum. And stupid git that he was, the drugs chose for him, pushing her gloriously blue eyes out of his life.

Even now the effects from his last hit lingered on the tips of his fingers, tongue, head. Just enough of it remained for him to easily forget about the day around him and the wet grass cushioning his head and back. Not enough to keep her out of his mind though.

"Fuck." He sighed, and pushed himself up to a sitting position, his shirt slid up his back slightly from being too small to cover his long torso. Running a hand through his greasy, floppy hair and taking a deep breath to let it out, he decided it was time to try and get out of the shit mess he was in.

He stood up and reached towards the sky in a stretch, letting his muscles burn, it felt good to have some sort of feeling. He shook his arms as they fell to his sides, and reached down to grab his crumpled overcoat off the ground.

Making the decision was easy enough, following through, that was almost impossible.

"Hey Judey, how's it going?" Max greeted his depressed best friend as the brit stomped into the apartment.

Silence answered the blond, something that seemed to happen more often than not. Jude had closed off pretty much everyone in the last few weeks, getting thinner and more pale. None of them knew about his addiction. Max had an idea, he was the one who introduced Jude to the drug that was killing him, not knowing that it would embed it's claws into his best friend and eat him alive. But Max had thought that it was something they just tried the once, you know, for the experience.

Lucy was the only one who knew the truth.

Jude stumbled over his discarded clothes strewn about his bedroom floor and went to his desk to try and fight the urge of shooting up. Maybe if he put a piece of charcoal in his hand and a sheet of paper in front of himself, the excess energy he got when his high wore down would travel out of his body as art.

He lost himself in his drawing, circles, lines, shadows, it became the only thing in his head. Sometimes this was the best way to escape his world. Even better than the heroin he used. With his art he left his cruel reality for a place that was his and his only.

With black hands and glazed eyes he leaned back to admire his work. His eyes traveled over the drawing and he bit his lip, trying to keep from screaming. Lucy's angelic face stared back at him from the desk, sad and beautiful and alone.

"ARRHH! Fuck this! Fuck me!" He yelled and crumpled the piece of art into a ball to throw across his room, where it landed atop a faded pair of white sneakers. He crouched down, hands clasped in his oily hair, eyes tight shut, trying to keep the tears at bay. He was a man, and he wouldn't cry, and he would get over this problem of his. It was just a matter of will power, right? Right. But first….he had to have one last hit, if he was serious about it this time, he needed that last surge to help him accept it.

There was a knock at his door. Jude jumped up and wiped his eyes quickly with his dirty palm, leaving a trail of charcoal across his cheek.

" Who is it?" he struggled to control his features, and self-conciously brushed his large hands over his shirt to straighten it out. Needless to say, this did nothing to change his appearance. His eyes were still rimmed red and his pasty skin glowed sickeningly.

Max opened the door enough to stick his head and shoulders in, he tried not to let dismay at his friend's appearance show on his face.

"You ok? Thought I heard something...er, just wanted to know if you were alright." He tucked a lock of blonde hair behind his ear and casually took in the rest of the room. The floor was littered with dirty clothes and balled up pieces of paper. Empty beer bottles danced in between the mess and shined dully.

Jude pushed his hands into his pockets and stared at his friend's feet.

"I'm fine, t'anks."

Max didn't believe him, he lingered and tried to ask again.

"Are you sure m-"

"I said, I'm. Fine." Jude glared at his bestie, and gritted his teeth to try and keep from shouting. It occurred to him that he was broke though, and he suddenly changed his demeanor.

"Actually, um...Max, would you 'appen to have some spare cash I can borrow?" He opened up his face a little, tried to look as if he cared. Instead he showed vulnerability in his dark eyes, and Max opened the door wider. He started to step into the room but Jude stopped him.

"Hey! I don't need you coming in here to hug me or anything like that. Just...do you have some money you can lend...I'll pay you back..." Jude started to pace aimlessly around his room, not wanting to meet his friend's eyes, but not able to stand still any longer. He was starting to itch, all over, the bugs under his skin were restless.

Jude jumped at the weight on his shoulder, and turned to face Max, his hand resting lightly on Jude to try and comfort him. The concern in those blue eyes reminded him too much of Lucy. So much in fact, that for a minute he forgot who he was looking at and his face began to crumble. His lips pulled back in a grimace and his eyes squeezed shut. He growled,

"Get off me mate."

Max did the opposite, he pulled Jude into a rough hug, and held tight. It frightened him how much bone he could feel under Jude's shirt and jacket. Jude was wasting away. Max fought back tears, he needed to be strong, needed to take care of his friend and bring him back. That's not what Jude wanted though.

He shoved Max away with the little strength he had, trying to catch his breath he shouted

"If you don't have any money to spare, then bugger off!"

The tall, gangly foreigner stumbled out of the room and was followed a few seconds later with the crash of the front door being slammed.

Shock splashed over Max's face. A moment later a little dimpled frown peered around the corner of the door.

"What was that about?" Prudence's little eyebrows furled in concern.

Max shook his head slowly

"I don't know, I mean...I know he's having a rough time with Luc, but I think there's something else going on here..."

The rain did nothing to help the greasy mop of hair atop his head. Jude ignored the cold drops that slid across his scalp to escape to his eyes… nose… mouth.

He could feel it all now. Everything. The gnawing hunger in the pit of his stomach, reminding him that he hadn't eaten in at least a couple days. The bad taste in his mouth, sharp pains shooting up and down his spine, drums pounding in his head, and the cold. Coldness seeped through his wool jacket and spread across his clammy skin. His teeth chattered incessantly, his hands were shoved up into his armpits to try and save at least a hint of warmth.

People passed by, some spared him a glance then quickly turned away to mind their own business. Most people just tried to stay out of his way. He stalked down the sidewalk with one thing on his mind. This time it wasn't Lucy.

He needed that bite of steel in his arm. Demanded to escape from this sore in-between state he was in now. He hunched his shoulders against the rain and turned a corner, his feet knew the way even if he didn't want them to.

He turned into a shabby-looking apartment building a block further on and tripped up the first couple steps.

"Shit!"

He pulled his hands away from the grimy step he had caught himself on and wiped them furiously on his pants, then proceeded up to the third floor. Out of breath and sweating slightly from his rush to get there, he stopped for a moment and leaned his head against the yellow-tinted walls. They must have originally been some sort of white, but now they reflected the type of tenants that cowered inside of them.

"Ok man, this is it, the last time. No more after this, you've got to get her back, and to do that, you gotta give this up." Jude shook his head and straightened up away from the wall,

"You can do this."

He knocked lightly on the door. There was a muffled shout and then some scratching at the lock, but the door finally opened to spill pale light onto Jude's haggard face.

A young red-headed woman looked up at Jude, and once recognizing his features, pulled the door open more to allow him space to slip through. The apartment he entered looked as if it belonged in the alley...maybe it was part of the alley magically transported up thirty stairs. There were empty cardboard boxes strewn about, many of them folded flat with various characters sleeping upon them. Garbage inhabited every corner and most of the counter space in the kitchen. A cat shot past Jude's ankles to reach the door before it closed, two more stared at him with glittering eyes from the hallway.

Jude didn't' see any of this though, after several months of coming here it didn't phase him in the least bit. He headed for the bedroom at the end of the hallway. He opened the door unceremoniously and spotted a dirty little fellow in the corner on a mattress with a couple other randoms from the street.

Jude went and took a seat on the mattress after shutting the door and began to take his jacket off.

"Just a quick one Mick, not like last time…heh, this is going to actually be 'my' last time." Jude smirked as he rolled up his grubby white shirt sleeve. The small man in the center of the mattress rolled his eyes cautiously at Jude, scratched his bare chest with fingernails that hadn't been cut in ages and shrugged.

"Whatev man, if you say so. You got funds though?" He began to set up for Jude, pulling numerous pieces of metal and plastic from around the mattress to himself.

Jude shoved a hand in his pocket and yanked out a couple wrinkly dollars.

"I'm just a bit short…but I promise this is the last time, and I could bring you the rest later."

Mick dropped what he was doing and glared at Jude.

"You think this is some give out? Some charity kind of work I do man? No, fuck that. Come back when you have the money, or don't come back at all." He shook his half fro of curly hair away from his eyes and turned his attention back to the other two people in front of him.

Jude stared at him for a few seconds, not really comprehending that he had just been shut down. He shook his head a couple times to himself and grinned.

"Mate, come on, be serious, I'm like five bucks short" he laid the back of his hand against Mick's chest trying to get his attention.

The drug dealer shot daggers at Jude and pushed his arm away. Jude's smile vanished.

"Get out. This isn't a joke, and don't come back unless you have the cash to pay for your stay."

Jude was immediately shunned completely from the rest of them when they turned their backs to him. He blinked quickly a few times, not believing the way this was turning out. Instead of pursuing this issue further, he actually rolled his sleeve down. Maybe this was really going to happen, he was going to quit, and he didn't need this last hit. This was a sign, he was sure of it.

He picked up his jacket gingerly and tiptoed off the mattress so as not to wreck whatever was going on where the others were seated.

Walking back through the hallway feeling sober was weird. He had never walked through this apartment without heroin running through his veins. This time he actually noticed the terrible words scratched on the walls, and the people crying alone in empty corners. He didn't want this for himself, and he for sure didn't want it for Lucy.

With a final glance at what could have been his future, and most surely would have been, he stepped back out the front door and closed it quietly.

a/n: that's it for chapter one, if you enjoyed let me know and I'll update as soon as possible! Thanks!