AN: Very slight Reddie, set in the first episode of series 4, just after Rachel's found the note about the gun. Rachel's POV x
Safe
The doctor's words had spun through my head that morning, as I made my way into school, "Rachel, you're not physically ready to be back at work, or mentally ready, in my opinion." At the time I had dismissed them, wanting the comfort of work and my friends and colleagues more than anything, but as I pulled into the school I'd become more unsure, afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. But I had. And it had been okay. With everyone's support, Eddie's especially, the day had been going well. Until that note. I didn't believe it at first, still don't believe it, I just wanted Eddie to agree with me, to tell me it was just a sick joke, that it was okay.
But he's not. He doesn't understand, I can see it in his eyes, and he keeps coming closer, again and again, invading my space when I'm already so uncomfortable, it's making me more and more nervous, "You have to evacuate the school."
My breathing stops, and for a moment all I can see is the smoke from a few months earlier, the smell, the rush of activity and the heat from the flames. And the fear. So great that even here in my office I think for a moment it will completely engulf me, leaving me a broken wreck at Eddie's feet, but then I'm back, and I know where I am and I can at least sort of comprehend the situation. I look away from him, not wanting him to see it in my eyes, disguising how afraid I am with anger in my voice, "I'm not doing that, I'm not going to put people through that again." As Eddie glances at me I know I've failed, my voice rising slightly in panic at the end, and I see comprehension dawn on his face. For a moment I think he'll deal with it, make it okay, keep me safe, because he's Eddie, and he does that.
But then he looks away from me, sighing, and I think I can hear disappointment in his tone when he speaks, "The fire." He sighs in resignation. And it hurts. It hurts more than the still-sore scar on my chest, his tone cutting through me like a knife, leaving me breathless once again and I feel like the world has twisted beyond recognition. Because he doesn't understand, he's not making it better, he thinks I'm pathetic, I know he does, just like everyone else. And I can deal with everyone else, always have done, but not Eddie, my one constant, my rock, not him as well. For a moment I want to throw myself at him, scream and yell about how it is the fire, how it won't go away, the fire and everything from last term, how it's there every waking second and still haunts my sleep.
I don't, too afraid of the look of disgust such an outburst would surely bring. Instead I inject even more anger into my tone, trying to twist this away from me, anything to keep that disappointed look from his eyes, "I don't want this school to be full of panicked and traumatised kids!" I can hear my voice rise again but I barely notice, taken back once again to last year; the students' terrified faces as their school became hell. I'm not aware I'm opening my mouth until I've spoken, "This is supposed to be a place of safety." My hysteria must have shown in my voice, because Eddie looks at me then, really looks at me, and I can see him checking my expression, working out my feelings in that way he has.
Thankfully, he only looks concerned, the disappointment still absent for now, "I know." His tone is low and reassuring, but suddenly the expression that seemed like concern only a moment earlier is pity, I'm certain of it, he's pitying me, weak, pathetic little me. I have to draw the conversation away again, because this can't be about me, he can't know how broken I am; "For the kids." I almost gasp, knowing my desperation is showing in my tone, and he must have noticed it, because suddenly he's stepping forwards, placing his hands gently on my shoulders, rubbing them slightly with his thumbs. I can't breathe again, but this time it's not just fear but anticipation.
I look up at him, trying to work out what he's doing, but feeling a little calmer at the contact, and as I catch sight of his serious expression I realise that was almost certainly his intention. He looks at me a moment before speaking, and when he does, his tone is firm, taking control when I cannot, "I know, now listen; we do this quietly, class by class, we keep it calm, controlled." He looks at me again, and I nod slightly to let him continue, simply thankful for him helping me to deal with this situation, "We do it that way and nobody's gonna panic, nobody's gonna do anything stupid, okay?"
I know he's trying to reassure me, but the question only makes me think of all the stupid things I've done recently, and how many people they've put in danger. I can't bear that to happen again, I don't think I could take any more of this. I can feel my breathing become more erratic as panic once again takes hold of me, but Eddie must have noticed because he's squeezing my shoulder gently, letting me know he's there for me. I take a deep, shuddering breath, "Okay," I can feel my control slipping and take another deep breath, not wanting to completely lose it in front of my deputy, "Okay," Suddenly I need reassurance, and I look up at him, seeing his expression change and his hold on me tighten as he recognises the fear in my eyes, my voice small and afraid, "Right, no-one's going to do anything stupid are they?"
I don't know whether it was my words, my expression or the way my voice was shaking, but suddenly he's pulling me close, hugging me quickly and allowing me to grip on to him for a few moments, giving some of his strength over to me. I never want to let go; I want the rest of the world to disappear and just leave me here, in Eddie's arms, feeling truly safe for the first time in months. I can feel him pulling away though, and let go, allowing him to hold me away from him a little, looking into my eyes, "Exactly." he says, and I find that I believe him for the simple reason that he is Eddie, and he will make sure everything is okay.
I take another breath, a little calmer now, looking at him, "Right," I pause, smiling slightly, "Thank you," his expression turns slightly less serious, and he smiles a little, and that smile somehow gives me the strength to continue, "I'll call the police, okay?" I glance at him, seeking his reassurance, his slight nod telling me all I need to know, "And you evacuate the school."
He smiles at me, seeming proud, "Good." He goes to move away, and I suddenly feel afraid again, as if I somehow need his presence to make it all okay. Somehow, he must have sensed this because then he's pulling me into his arms again, hugging me quickly and tightly before pulling away, going to follow my orders with a reassuring smile. The office door clicks shut behind him.
"Right." I whisper to myself, focussing on the task ahead as I pick up my phone. I'm still afraid, of course I am, but I somehow know it's going to be okay. Because Eddie's here, and he makes me safe. I'm not entirely sure what just took place between us, but somehow, almost instinctively, I know that I'm not going to have to be alone and afraid anymore. Somehow, I know that he'll be there from now on, looking after me, and keeping me safe. And as I dial the number, lifting the phone to my ear, a small, selfish part of me feels glad there's a gun in the school, if that's what it's taken to bring me to Eddie, to make me safe.