Female Fantasy No. 11
She missed her husband all day. It was another day in the life of the world she always wanted. It had all the finishing touches of any beautiful home in the suburbs. It was Spring. The air was flowing thru the sunlit home. Their kids were young, and she would work on her new business in between playing with her kids in the backyard. She had all the help she had hoped she would have one day. A full time nanny to give her time to focus on work. Cleaning ladies to help her home feel pristine and void of stress. Gardeners and handy men for any of life's seasonal or surprise inconveniences. She was grateful.
Her husband worked at a corporate office only minutes from home. He could work from home in his office when he wanted, but often preferred to escape the noise of young children. By the time the sun was going down, her head would leave work and the kids, and she envisioned making cocktails to greet her husband with by the door.
It would be a gin and tonic like most of the old black and white movies she loved, but she hated gin. It tasted like old Christmas Trees, so she stuck to rum or a simple glass of wine. Moments after the nanny would leave, but before her husband would arrive home, she envisioned her evening. It was the glamourous kind of evening you see lived out in the old flicks of the fiftys. Somehwere between Leave it to Beaver and Society Hill. Literally minutes before he would walk in the door, she knew her eyes would meet his, and they would connect in silence with a smile..acknowleding this life they get to lead, and they would kiss. He would greet the children, and the dog, and she would hand him his cocktail before they would got out by the pool to sip on their drinks. That was always the vision. And then reality would happen.
He would walk in the door. He would never make eye contact. She would get ready for him, before he came home. Running up to her vanity to add a little extra mascara or change shirts. She wanted his attention. But in seconds of him entering their home, there would be no eye contact. He would greet the children and say hi to the dog. He would get the mail. He would take off his tie, or unbutton his shirt. He would look thru the mail. But he never looked at her. The fantasy died, and she would grab her own drink, and push thru.
She'd watch him, patiently waiting for his attention on some evenings. On other evenings, she was not so patient. Either way, there was disappointment. How could someone that could gain so much attention in the corporate world from other successful powerful men, not gain a second glance from her own husband at the end of a long day.
The first words out of his mouth were typically not positive. Whatever it was on any given day, it just wasn't good. Nothing major. It could have been minimal issues, but it was the fact that the first words or first look never felt comforting…or loving..or secure. Not in the way she imagined.
She would feel hurt or disappointed for a minute. But she would also realize how stressful his own job was, and that he was just coming home. This scenario was not at all unique, and she got that. It didn't take away the sting each day when what she received was a little less than she had hoped, but she tried to give more anyway. She loved him. She believed in him, their family, and they had a lifetime to make it all right and perfect.
Once she put the kids in bed, she could join him on the sofa in front of the tv. Sometimes by that time, he would have opened a bottle of wine, or made a cocktail for the both of them. He would stare at the tv, but at least she could have a drink and cuddle up next to him on the sofa. She felt guilty for feeling dissatisfied only hours earlier. But she was tired too. The kids would yell down for another bed time story, or a late work call would come in to interrupt the quiet. At least on some nights. Other nights they could have time. She was mostly happy. She truly had nothing to complain about. She wanted more in her love and in her marriage, but who doesn't. She would figure it out.
But the years did go by, the kids did get older. The nights didn't become more intimate, but would often become more chaotic. He would go downstairs, and she would go up. Instead of meeting on the sofa, they would meet later in bed. Time was flying by so much faster than she realized. She would go thru numbness, to sadness, to feeling guilty for not being more grateful. Then she would just be hungry or thirsty. She filled the void within their home. Within their marriage as best she could. The kids were young, they had time….they would figure it out.
He would always find her in the night, and see her then. Maybe not as often as he would go after her before the kids and bedtime routines. But a week would never go by without her finding her. Sometimes he'd wake her in the middle of the night. She would hear the doors lock in their bedroom, and he would slowly pull her underwear off, before flipping her body in whichever direction he chose. She would take a deep breath, and no matter if awake or asleep, her body would respond. He was always generous. Giving to her, and loving her, for some time before making any requests of her. More often than not, he would make no requests at all. It would be silent..
For all the discontent of the day, or any of the despair in the early evening, he would make up for, late at night. He loved her and he made sure she knew. She felt it. She would loser herself in him, and forget who or where she was. Their time may only last an hour or so, but it would be just the escape she was needing. Afterwards, she wished they could lose themselves like that more during the day. But still, they had plenty of time to figure all that out. Until then, there were kids to raise, and lifestyles to increase. They were a team, even if it didn't always feel that way. She needed them to be a team, forever, so she could be safe, and feel secure. And no matter how important the passion and the fantasy was to her, her safety was key. She was safe with him. And yet, he was her key to the passion she desired. It was a fit, and she knew deep down she was lucky to have found such a thing. Even when she forgot, deep down..she would remember.
And the years went on…and the kids grew. Where would their relationship go? How deep was their love really, and how would it all manifest? The safety sometimes felt like boredom, and then the odd desires often filled her with fear. She would find herself somewhere between content and sad very much of the time. There would be happiness, and love, and fulfillment. And then there would come disappointment, and loneliness, and feelings of insecurity. Yet, this was marriage, and she knew her feelings were not unique. There was not time to get lost in self pity. She would rally each morning, and vow to figure it all out. More love would await her in the future. They would get closer. She would make sure of it. And slowly her visions would turn into reality, and life would go on. Slowly, life would move on, until fantasy was just fantasy. And reality became more of reality. For better or for worse.