Disclaimer: This is most definitely not mine, if it was Chakotay and Kathryn would be married and making babies by now! I'm only playing with them, they can have them back when I'm done.
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Finding Kathryn
It must have happened so suddenly, I never really thought about it. I just accepted it in the day to day, I was no longer Kathryn, I was the Captain. There were no tears for the lost woman buried somewhere under the unbreakable armour and incessant protocol. I did not miss the feelings I no longer recognised and I had no longing for the life that would never be mine.
But I still couldn't fight the nights, the nights where Kathryn would raise her head and cry out 'save me', the nights where she begged to be let back into my life, the life of Captain Janeway. So I filled my nights with work and I was content, I had my ship, I had my crew's loyalty. Hell, I didn't even mind the Doctor's continual nagging, Captain Janeway was the happiest she had ever been.
Even through that, the time when I accepted Captain Janeway and allowed her to take over Kathryn's life. Even though I gave up all thoughts of Kathryn and the life I used to have I still thought that one day I would be able to return to it. I knew that one day in the future I would welcome Kathryn back into my life with open arms and I would be happy. When that time came protocol would be thrown to the wind, friendships re-evaluated and love contemplated. I never thought that one day, Kathryn would be gone.
It started on Bridge, just another normal day where I was perfectly happy to work through my shift without, indeed without even needing, contact with others.
"Kathryn?" It was Chakotay's voice, that much I registered, however the name, it was unfamiliar to me and I ignored it. Then I heard Chakotay curse softly next to me. "Hell, I'm sorry. It was a slip"
He was talking so quietly, he could have only been talking to me but still nothing registered.
"What?" I finally looked up at his face, he was staring at me, not an unusual occurrence.
"Sorry, it just slipped out, I'll be more careful next time." Chakotay dimpled at me, "I know how much you hate familiarity on bridge."
I could feel the frown fixed on my face.
"What are you talking about?" I stared at him in confusion, he had an emotion on his face that was purely Chakotay, bewilderment, worry and friendship all mixed into one.
"I said your name." He reminded me gently. I was still confused and I looked away from him.
"My name?" I repeated dumbly, I stared down at my hands clutching the padd in my lap, thoughts whirled through my head, He said my name? What does that mean? Kathryn
My world suddenly turned on it's head, my lungs had been taken away and replaced by a vacuum. The space where my heart had once been was vacant and the noise of my body working had gone.
"Captain?" Breathe goddamn you breathe! "Are you all right?" I can't breathe! God somebody help me!
"Fine," I said quickly, my voice didn't shake which surprised me, I stood up as if automatically. "You have the bridge Commander." And then I retreated, I ran away, I left like the coward I am.
Even in my sanctuary I still felt exposed, I felt as if I was naked under the harsh lights that encompassed me. I couldn't sit still, I found myself walking again and again past the view ports, I reduced the lights in the room and stared at the bright stars. I had always admired the stars, they had some inexplicable pull on me that nothing or no-one could rival. Tonight however, they didn't seem as bright or as friendly as they did once upon a time. They looked cold, distanced, they were further away today than they ever had been before, even when I despaired the most. I searched the sky frantically, searching for a familiar twinkling light, but they all stayed out of reach, mocking my attempts to bring them closer.
The room spun and I was forced to sink to the floor, not even caring that my precious uniform was getting crumpled, barely noticing that someone might come in at any moment.
Who was I? Why did Kathryn seem so unfamiliar, a ghost from the past? I had lost myself, somewhere in the battle to do what was best for Voyager Kathryn had slipped away and I hadn't even noticed. I let her slip away, I didn't care for the future, for what lied ahead, all I had wanted was the here and now.
"Kathryn," The name felt unfamiliar on my lips and the sound was quickly swallowed up by the black cloud that was surrounding me. Even my voice sounded harsh and new to my ears. The air was sucked from my lungs and the room spun again, I stared back up at the stars and tried again to reach for them but they were so far away, as the room dipped again I leant forward and was violently sick.
"Computer, increase lights by 25%," The unwelcome light intruded on my personal hell even as the spinning room slowed and eventually stopped. I kept my eyes closed, unwilling to see what I knew was waiting for me but it was not long before a warm and comforting hand was on my back. Still I kept my eyes closed, even as another hand moved under my elbow and raised me up. My legs were wobbly and unwilling to comply with the wishes of the person helping me. The effort of staying upright drained me and I finally allowed myself to crumple, falling against the warmth of the person beside me. Their arms surrounded me and I faintly felt, as if from far away, someone raising me up into the air. A muffled voice was speaking, I tried to reply but I had no more control over my own body.
Then the lights changed, became brighter and someone else was there, talking incessantly. I faintly felt myself being laid down on an unfamiliar surface. Then I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.
When I next awoke everything was still black, I panicked and it took me a few minutes to realise that my eyes were still closed. I would have laughed if I still knew how, unfortunately that was one of the many things that I had been deprived of. I could hear a voice rambling on, I decided to listen to it rather than the confusing thoughts that were running through my head.
"Tried everything….don't know what is wrong…..try scan…"
I didn't want to leave my comforting darkness but deep within me I knew I had to, as much as I wanted to retreat into myself I couldn't. I finally allowed my eyes to slide open.
When I turned my head I spotted Voyager's EMH standing with his indignant back to me talking to someone.
"I simply do not understand it!" He huffed, "There is nothing physically wrong with her and certainly no plausible explanation for her to pass out or be sick, she is just so stubborn and hot headed sometimes, it's almost as if she's doing it on purpose, I swear if she wasn't the Captain I would have thrown her out of a nearby airlock."
"You could try but I wouldn't let you." My vocal chords felt unused and rusty and my voice was unmistakably grouchy. The Doctor spun back round to me, the look of surprise on his face almost made up for having to come back to the world of the living. "And if you try and make me give up coffee again it's more likely to be the other way round." I muttered, sitting up and massaging the back of my neck with one hand. The Doctor, after recovering from his initial shock, hurried over to me with his tri-corder, as he scanned and fussed over me I looked back up and met the worried but slightly amused, warm eyes of my best friend.
"Morning." He said simply, moving over to my bedside as I started to half-heartedly swat the Doctor away.
"How long was I out?" I asked, yawning and stretching. The dreamless sleep had had a healing effect on my body but not on my mind, it was still as emotionally drained as ever and I hoped the weariness didn't show in my eyes.
"Only an hour." Chakotay leant over and placed his hand on top of mine as it lay on the bed, "But we were worried."
"Well I just don't know!" The Doctor huffed, his snotty attitude hiding his concern. "How have you been feeling lately Captain."
"Completely fine." I said truthfully.
"Well what caused you to be sick? What made you pass out?"
"I don't know, must have just been a dizzy spell." I made an effort to stay bright, "Listen can we just forget it?"
"Forget it?" The Doctor looked at me cynically. "Listen Captain over the past four years or so you haven't had as much as a cold, I would like to know what caused this. You can't just tell me to forget it."
"That is exactly what I'm telling you." My attitude wasn't helping and I knew it but with my current state of mind I simply didn't care.
"Captain we need to know the reasons…"
"Why do we always need reasons?" My anger erupted as if it had been boiling under for days, suddenly I just didn't care anymore, I was lost I had no reason to live all I wanted was to get it over with. "Ok I'll give you reasons! Maybe I just needed to shut down and forget about everything, maybe I just needed to get rid of every damn thing that keeps me awake at nights." I took a deep breath and stared defiantly into the eyes of my shocked EMH, In the silence that followed I took some deep shaky breaths and stood up off of the bed, the Doctor made no move to stop me.
"Kathryn," Suddenly I hated that name, that thing that had started all of this off in me, that had released longings and emotions that I could no longer deal with. I turned round and stared blankly at the only man who dared speak that hated name out loud. Chakotay reached out and brushed a hand across my face, I was shocked when I saw something wet on his palm when he pulled it away, I hadn't realised I was crying, didn't even know I could still cry.
"Captain…please." The Doctor gently took my arm and led me back over to the bed, I lay down without complaint and covered my eyes with one hand, trying to hold back the unwelcome tears. I could no longer control my emotions as I no longer understood them. I heard the Doctor lead Chakotay away from my bedside and they talked in soft voices.
As I waited I chided myself for doing this now, I wished furtively that they wouldn't read to much into my outburst, I hoped the Doctor would put it down to too much caffeine and too little sleep as he was always in the habit of doing. I lowered my hand and looked across at the two of them, standing deep in conversation. As I watched Chakotay glanced across and met my eyes. I looked away first, I was ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen, what was the big deal anyway? So I forgot my name, it was hardly reason enough to collapse from shock. I could feel the Captain Janeway in me taking completely over again, my tears dried on my face and I sat back up, all emotion banished from my face. They looked back over at me as I swung my legs off the bed and stood up. I met their gaze, defiantly this time.
"Gentlemen, if you've finished discussing my mental health I would really like to get back to work." I was back, the infamous Captain Janeway again, command mask and all.
"Captain I'm afraid I will not allow you to go back to work for a while yet." The Doctor stood tall, I glared at him.
"What do you mean? I am physically and mentally fine, I have no need to take a day off."
"Actually Captain." Chakotay was next to get the full force of my glare, he didn't flinch, his angry eyes held my own. "We want you to take more than a day off, we want you to take a few weeks off."
"Commander I refuse to be off duty for two weeks." The anger in my voice was apparent for all to see.
"But not on Voyager, we want you to leave the ship," The Doctor chimed in again
"Doctor I am not going to leave my ship for two weeks." I didn't know who to be more angry at, the Doctor or myself.
"I am sorry Captain but you have no choice," The Doctor raised himself up to his full height and tried to look authoritative, "The orders of the Doctor go above the Captain's even if the Doctor is a hologram." He glared at me, "If you refuse to go onto this planet then I will have you locked in your quarters for that time." My mouth dropped open and I seethed with rage. He was right and I knew it, he had the authority to lock me up if he thought I was mentally unstable. I could feel myself flush as I thought of what would happen if the Doctor had to tell everyone that he had locked the Captain up because she was mentally incompetent. He had me trapped, there was no way I could allow him to do that and he knew it, for a moment I felt a wild urge to fly at him and wipe that smug smile off his face, but if I ever wanted to be classed as sane again I would have to control myself.
"Fine," I sounded like a sulky child, "Where and when am I going?"
"We're just coming up to an uninhabited M class planet, we should be able to go down in about five hours." Chakotay's demeanour was calm even as his emotions raced across his face, going to quickly for me to understand. One thing in his sentence caught my attention.
"We?" I raised an eyebrow and stared back at the Doctor.
"Yes Captain, I don't want you to be down there alone so Commander Chakotay has volunteered to go with you."
"Why?" I demanded. "And who's going to look after the ship?"
"Tuvok will do a good job, and…" The Doctor trailed off guiltily.
"You think I'm going to hurt myself don't you?" I said in disbelief, "You really think I'm going to do something to myself!" My eyes flickered between the two of them, neither one tried to deny it and I could see the guilt written across their faces. I forced out a derisive laugh, it sounded more like a bark. "Well this is just great (!) Mentally unstable and now suicidal what's next!"
"It's for your own safety," The Doctor began, I silenced him with one hand.
"Save it," I looked back up at Chakotay, I was almost shaking in anger and he could see it, his brown eyes begged me to understand. I didn't allow him to reach me, "I'll meet you at transporter room one in five hours, commander." I allowed myself one final hurt/angry look at them both before leaving.
Five hours later my anger had not dissipated in the least. I liked my anger, I drew it around me as a shield to protect me from all other more human emotions, such as fear, betrayal and hurt. Deep down inside of me I knew the Doctor was probably right, I needed this time away to clear my head but, stubborn woman I was, I would not allow myself to admit to him possibly being right.
"Ready Captain?" Chakotay's face was stony, from the looks of it he was probably looking forward to this little venture just as much as me.
"Let's just get it over with." I was equally unenthusiastic. In a matter of minutes we found ourselves on the little un-populated planet. Chakotay wordlessly started making preparations for shelter as I sorted through our belongings, neither of us were willing to admit to the familiarity of our actions.
Two days later the atmosphere still hadn't changed, I avoided speaking to Chakotay unless necessity drove me too it, and he was equally withdrawn. I concentrated on the menial tasks and neglected the very reason I was here, to try and find Kathryn.