Broken.
By Gasha Aisu.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Rain was pouring down in the streets of Konoha, and it was pouring hard. It was the kind of rain that could get you soaked within minutes. No one in his or her right mind would dare to go out without it being necessary. Mud was everywhere, and the street was filled with water puddles. The wind ruffled the leaves, and made the weather even worse. The temperature was low, and the sun was hidden behind clouds. No, it was definably not wise to go out right now.
At that point, Tenten turned around the corner, making the empty street less empty.
Tenten walked slowly, pain showing in her troubled dark eyes. Her buns where nothing but wet heaps on her head. And her bangs continued to drip with the ever lasting flow of rain. Her face was wet, but not only by rain. Her hands where clenched in fists, and her yaw was tense. Tenten was in no hurry, despite her being soaked so bad that her clothes clung to her body. No, Tenten was in no hurry at all, despite the cold.
No, right now, Tenten was hurting, and that was fine by her.
Right now, she loved to torture herself, she always had, secretly. Her training was more harsh then needed to be, her food was rarely above average, and even her love…The love of her life was unattainable, untouchable…
Her team mate.
No, Tenten would never allow herself to even try to get Neji. If she did, she would distract him from his goal, and waste his valuable time.
Lazily she kicked a stone and unclenched her hands. Slowly she raised her hands to look at them with disinterest eyes. What did she have to offer? Not a loving family, for she never knew hers. Not soft and gentle hands, hers where rough from battle. Unlimited loyalty? He already had it. Her trust, her love, and cheerful personality? What was the use? No, she had nothing to offer.
In her distracted state she, an ANBU for goodness sake, tripped and fell, face down, in the mud.
Groaning she slowly put her hand up till they where standing besides her and pushed herself up until she was sitting on her knees. With her soaked sleeve she wiped some of the mud of her face. Not that it mattered, nobody was there anyway. She raised her head and closed her pained brown eyes, letting the drops fall and slide down her face.
Life was hell.
Everyday being with him, everyday talking to him, watching him, encouraging him. But no touching, unless it was in a friendly matter or in training. No flirting or getting to close to him, because she didn't deserve him. And she didn't deserve the embarrassment either, after all, who said he felt the same? She wasn't, that's for sure. She opened her eyes to look at the grey sky above her. It had to be around 6 already. Who cared? Nobody was at home waiting for her anyway. Nobody worried about her being late because of training. Although Lee was her best friend, even he knew she wasn't to be bothered about training to much. Gai didn't even notice. And Neji…Neji probably didn't even care. She blinked because of the few drops falling into her eyes, but opened them again to look at the clouds.
The sadness in her broke her apart, but somehow she felt comforted by the calmness it gave her. It had taken her five years to accept the fact that she couldn't have Neji. Five years of foolish hoping… She closed her eyes again, this time with more force as she struggled to maintain her control. She was done crying, no matter how badly she wanted Neji, no matter how lonely she was, no matter that she only felt hole, complete, when he was around. Her eyes opened again, and she took a shaky breath. Her eyes filled with tears again. She loved him…she loved him so much…
Her body shook as tears finally came. She wanted him to be there then.
She longed for his healing embrace, which she had only been in a few times. She wanted him to be there, just being there, being a silent support, unknown of the emotions raging in her. But Neji wasn't there; and he probably wouldn't come…
She breathed shakily, and she hiccupped. She always thought she was stronger then the other girls, that she wouldn't cry over some guy. And what was she doing now? Even though Neji wasn't just some guy, it didn't matter.
She bowed her head in shame as tears kept coming.
She used to be in control over her emotions. And look at her now, crying, shacking, all alone in the rain. No wonder that Gai hardly complimented her, she was useless, and Lee and Neji where...perfect. She bit her bottom lip but it was no use, tears kept coming as she kept crying with the rain. She felt pathetic.
"Tenten!" a voice called to her. She recognised the melody, the calm air about it, and the steady tone.
Neji.
"Tenten," he said again, more quietly as he knelt down her side. He was dressed in his ANBU uniform, and he didn't have an umbrella. His white eyes took in her shaking and soaked form. He was slowly getting soaked himself. She smiled at him, a small gentle smile although it was saddened.
"Come on," he said, and grabbed her by her elbow, tucking her up. Tenten blinked. Was it just her, or had his voice been softened..by concern?
Shakily, she tried to stand, but the minute he released her, she collapsed into his chest. His strong arms steadied her, holding her against him. Tenten buried her face into his chest, snuggling closer to his warmth. For once, she didn't want to be strong. For once, she just wanted to accept help, his help. She allowed herself to be weak, just for once. After all she really was weak, and useless…ashamed.
"Gomen," she whispered, her voice muffled but heard by him. Neji frowned, pushing her away slightly to look her in the eyes.
Her wide eyes stared back at him. His eyes where soft, not cold and uncaring as usual. Although unreadable for anyone else, Tenten knew him. She knew him. And she saw what no one else saw, she saw his inside, she saw him. She saw the bird behind the cage when he let her. And right now, he let her see that he was concerned for her before turning cold again.
"For what?" he asked in monotone, yet Tenten, and only Tenten still found that little hidden concern.
"For being so weak," she whispered, staring in his eyes. She couldn't look away, no matter how ashamed she was, she just couldn't. She really had to look like a idiot. Being soaked, and to much of a wreck to stand on herself so she was standing against his steady form, her eyes gazing in his as her bangs where plastered on her face. Yes, she really must've looked like a idiot.
Did he see her? She wondered. Did he see her? Not a team mate, not a fellow ninja, but her? And if he did what did he see? Did he see the same as Gai-sensei had? A failure, a worthless useless …thing? Or did he see her like Lee did. Something worth protecting, a friend, but no fellow ninja. She wasn't strong enough to be a ninja, at least not in their eyes. Even though she was an ANBU. Lee was always there to protect her, waiting for her to fall. Because she had to fall, right? She couldn't stand tall and bare the things alone, right?
Well they where wrong.
Were they blind for the pain she felt, yet dealt with on her own? Blind for the training she had, had to become what she was now? Were they blind for everything?
Much to her dismay she felt tears well up again, as she kept looking in his eyes. Her eyes locked and steady on his, but her thoughts were everything but steady.
"What do you see?" she asked desperate. After all from all the opinions, his mattered the most. His was valued the most. He mattered to her, more then the others. Because the others accepted her for who she was, but Neji demanded. Neji demanded….
His hands hold her steady against him, as he frowns. His milky eyes are not blind for a change, his milky eyes see. His eyes see her. And again she wonders what he sees.
"Neji…" she repeats when she gets no answer.
"I see you," he responds calmly.
But she knows that. She knows that he is the only one who sees. Who sees who she is, what she is, what she can be, and what she had become. His eyes see her, as they always have.
After all, it was he who demanded more of her, when he knew she could give more. Even if she didn't know it herself.
"I know," she responds. And she notices that her voice is not as steady as it usually is, it's not as reliable as it usually is. It's broken and pained. Tenten wonders if she's worth his attention…
Her brown eyes stray from his, as she is ashamed. Ashamed for wondering, and ashamed because she doesn't know the answer. She knows she got the most attention from him then everybody else. She knows he watches her. But is she worth it…is she?
The rain continues to fall. The sky seems to darken, embracing the two.
Tenten is thankful for the cold the rain brings, because her face is hot from all the crying. Normally she never cries, she never shows weakness, she never does anything to disappoint Neji, she never…
Slowly, one of Neji's hand release her to brush some hair from her face. She refuses to look at him, and Neji frowns. Finally, he put his hand on her cheeks and forces her to look at him.
"You've never turned from me before," he says, his voice low as his thump brushes her cheek. Tenten looks at him, her brown eyes wide.
"What do you see?" she asks him again. She needs to know the answer…She needs to know if she's worth living, if she's as weak as she seems to be.
"I see you," Neji answers again. Tenten frowns slightly.
"What does that mean?" she asks him. Her voice seems small and soft, barely heard by him over the rain. His embrace tightens as he frowns down on her.
"Don't you know?" he asks. And ashamed, she let her eyes drop. It seems to be enough answer for him. Without another word, he bends to hook his arm behind her knees, his other hand takes hold of her side, so she can rest her back against his arm when he picks her up.
He is silent as he takes off, to her home which is closer and more personal then his manor. Somehow, her home had become his home without him knowing it.
Rain caresses her fleetingly as Neji continues as if he hasn't just a hard time training. As if he wasn't tired at all. Tenten knows he had been training. Why else would he be out in the rain? Not to look for her, that was for sure. No, Tenten isn't going to fool herself thinking he went out, prepared to get all soaked, just for her.
No matter how weak she is right now. No matter how much she needs him…
She closes her brown eyes as she allows herself to get lost...in him. Hesitantly, because only he can make her shy, her arms lock around his neck. Neji doesn't respond, and she's glad for it's no refusal. She buries her head in the crook of his neck, not caring that his shirt is wet and his skin cool.
His grip becomes tighter as she feels her body being pushed closer to him. Without thinking she reacts, her arms tightening around his neck and her face lost in his neck. She feels the rain, but it doesn't bother her.
Neji is slowing down, and comes to a halt in front of her small apartment. She doesn't want to let go, she doesn't want to leave from the security he gives her, the sense of that she's safe. She always feel safe at his side, despite it usually being in battles. She knows she's strong as she is with him, she knows she's strong when she protects him. She knows she's worthy, yet she seems to forget when she isn't around him. And in her deepest moment of weakness, he found her again.
"Tenten," his breath is hot against her neck, and she tightens her hands who somehow managed to grab his shirt, despite it sticking against his skin.
He signs and suddenly she's ashamed again, she releases him, but he refuses to let her go. Helplessly she looks up at him, her hands still behind his neck. Her brown eyes question his milky ones. He gazes down on her impassively, before suddenly shifting her. He pulls her up over his shoulder so he can spread her legs, and then tucks her legs on either side of him, pulling her down again. She blushes as she looks at him wondering, he gives her a piercing look and she complies, locking her legs behind him. Her hands tighten as he removes his hands from her legs, settling for one on her behind, making her blush increase. His face is as impassive as ever as his other hand searches her pockets, finding the key quickly. He looks away from her so he can unlock her door and get her in.
She feels like a small child, being carried safely by her parent. And she's ashamed.
Finally the rain doesn't affect them any longer as Neji brings them inside. They're silent, making the sound of drops dripping on the carpet audible.
Not speaking a word, Neji suddenly moves, walking to her living room. He knows her home as well as he knows his own. He puts her down softly on her couch, and she releases him, he seems hesitant for a second. Gazing at her, he reaches out and puts a lost string of hair behind her ear.
"Stay," he commands simply, and waits till she nods before going off to find towels.
Tenten sighs and reaches down to put her soaked sandal's off, her socks as well. Shivering, she brings her knees up and hugs them, as she stares out the window. She frowns as she knows Neji has found her in her weakened state. She knows she's worthless and pathetic, and wonders if he thinks the same. She bites her bottom lip as the questions come back to her again. Is she worthy of him? Is she as weak as she now thinks? A new question suddenly comes to her.
Why is he here?
How did he find her? Was it coincidence? Fate? She snorts softly. Yeah right, as if she and Neji are meant to be. No matter how much she wishes it's true, she can't get herself to believe it. It's probably coincidence, or even a order of Gai or Tsunade…
"Here," Neji's voice brings her attention back to him. His hand reaches out to her, a towel in it. With a small smile she accepts it, and half heartily dries herself.
Neji watches her for a moment, silently, before sitting besides her. Her couch is already wet, so it doesn't really matter that he adds some extra water as well.
Without a word he set his own towel around his neck, and grabs her towel. He doesn't look her in her eyes as he begins to dry her before stopping.
"Where are your clothes?" he asked stoically. Of course, much more effective then drying herself with a puny towel. She stands up and turns to smile at him weakly.
"I'll get them, and I think I have some clothes of you as well form our last mission," she tells him, and gets a small nod in reply. She doesn't think that she has some of his clothes, she knows. For the one he has left behind when he needed to change from a mission and didn't have the time to go to his manor, those clothes has comforted her when she worried. She hardly leaves his side, but when he has a mission in which she isn't involved she worries.
Tenten walks to her bedroom, changes quickly and grabs his clothes, neatly washed from the last time she had cried over them. A grimace finds it's way to her face.
She really is pathetic, isn't she?
She hurries back to him, as she finds herself suddenly uncomfortable without his strong presence to sooth her.
"Here you go," she says, in a voice which meant to be cheerful, yet failing hopelessly. Seems like she can't do anything right today.
"Thank you," Neji says simply, then looks at her expectantly. For a moment, Tenten is confused, before she realises. With a stuttered apology, she hurries of to find a hair brush. Not that it mattered how she looked, for Neji hardly reacted even if she dressed up as beautiful as she can. But when hair is combed, she knows it dries quicker. When she finds one, she stands wondering what to do until he calls her name.
Rushing back to him, she drinks in the sight of him. He has only his pair of white pants on, and he is drying his upper body. He's close to perfect for Tenten, and it makes it even harder to know that she can never have him. He suddenly grabs her wrist, and only now does Tenten realise that she had moved closer to him, and gives it a pull. She gives in a little, her eyes questioning him. He pulls her in besides him on the couch and turns to her.
"Brush," he says simply, and holds out his hand. She blinks and then gives him the hair brush. Softly he nudges her so that she turns away from him. She stares ahead, wondering what it is that he wants. It becomes clear as his hands undo the buns in her hair.
"Neji," she says softly, her voice pained because he isn't making it easier to be with him. The sweeter he is, the more it hurts.
"What were you doing outside?" he asks, as he begins lightly to brush her tangled hair. Her hands in her lap tighten as she forces herself to answer.
"Thinking,"
Neji says nothing as he focuses on her hair. Handling the brush with his one hand, his other holds her head, easing the pain she might feel.
"About?" he asks while he grabs her hair and brushes a little quicker to untangle the bottom of her hair. Tenten says nothing as she waits until he moves over her whole hair again, not just the bottom. The brushing is soothing, and Tenten feels herself slightly relaxing. He handles the brush with his one hand, while the other follows the path of the brush, caressing her hair and relaxing her.
"My failures," she replies bitterly, "And…me…not being worthy…"
This is harder then every battle she has fought so far. Neji is silent for a while, still brushing her hair. Tenten bites her bottom lip nervously before asking what was on her mind before.
"How did you find me?"
Neji's hand don't stop or hesitate.
"I was looking for you," His voice is steady as he continues his "work". Tenten stiffens, she hadn't expected that answer.
"Why?" she asks, and notices that her voice is small, almost frightened.
"When I broke, you where there," he replies, "And I wanted, want, to be there for you too, when you need me…for a change"
"O…"
Tenten closes her eyes. What a good friend he is, so loyal. Yet somehow Tenten wants him to be gone. She doesn't want to be reminded like she is now. She doesn't want to feel guilty for thinking wrong about him. She bites her bottom lip. She wants him to be hers, she wants him to know that he already haves her. She wants to relax into him, she wants to finally, finally tell him that…But Neji doesn't love her. She opens her eyes. No, he can't love her. And she doesn't want to stand between him and his goals.
"I'm fine you know, you can go," Tenten says suddenly. She wants him gone. Her hands tremble, and she grabs the fabric of her pants to stop them. He needs to be gone before she tells him. She doesn't know how long it takes before she tells him…and faces the utter humiliation.
"No your not," Neji replies bluntly, and his voice softens as he continues, "and I don't want to go,"
Tenten blinks.
"Why not?"
Neji's hands seem to tremble, as his strokes slow slightly, before continuing in it's normal pace. Tenten almost thinks that he's nervous, but that can't be…
"Because…" he says simply, and removes his hands, allowing her to turn and look him in the eye, "To me, this is home,"
Tenten stares at him in shock. And she feels her walls break. Tears well up, and when he reaches out to wipe them away she lunges forward, burying her head in his neck. His arms close around her as he strokes her back soothingly. Tenten closes her eyes, and breathes in deeply, taking in his scent. And because he opened up a little, and because Tenten knows she can trust him she begins to talk. This is Neji, this is her friend. No matter if he loves he or not, he's her friend and she trusts him.
"I thought I was failure. Gai never paid attention to me, as if I didn't matter. And in a way, I think I didn't. You're a genius, and Lee is hard working, I'm just Tenten. I wasn't special and not worthy of his attention," Tenten starts, her voice muffled by his shirt. Neji's arms tighten, and he grunts in denial, but he doesn't say anything. Neji was always a good listener, she thinks as she opens her eyes a little.
"I'm a ANBU, but somehow I still feel like I'm weak, like I haven't accomplished anything. And while I was thinking these things I realised…I realised…something…" she continues and let's go of him, pulling back and turning her head away in shame. Yet Neji doesn't release her, and she is forced to stay in his lap, were she had somehow ended up in.
"What?" he asks, his voice softer then normal. Tenten closes her eyes painfully, clenching her hands to fist.
"Please don't ask me that," she begs, her voice broken but strong.
"Tell me Tenten," he orders, "I'm not letting you go until you do,"
A soft smile unwillingly creeps up her face. That was Neji alright, always strong.
"I realised," Tenten continues turning to look in his eyes, knowing that she must as she tells her deepest secret, "That I'll never be worthy enough to be loved by you,"
Neji goes completely still, looking at her with those unreadable milky eyes. Tenten can't stand it, turning away and struggling to get out of his grip. Suddenly, one of his hands grab her shoulder pulling her forward into him. One arm comes around her lower back, as the other hand comes between her shoulder blades. Neji buries his face in her damp hair and inhales.
"Neji?" Tenten asks, and notices that her voice is once again hoarse. Neji doesn't respond for a minute, his eyes closed as he simply holds her.
"Baka," he says finally, softly, "Of course your worthy,"
Tenten lies completely still. Is he saying what she thinks she's saying? Slowly she dares to hope again. She puts her arms around his waist as she sighs contently. She could be here forever.
"You asked me what I saw when I looked at you," Neji starts slowly. Asking her attention again. She opens her eyes and looks up at him.
"Aa…you said you saw me,"
Her brown eyes are alive again, filled with hope for what she hoped was her feelings finally returned. She dares not to look away, somehow thinking that something bad will happen if she does.
"Yes, and you asked what that meant,"
"And you didn't answer," Tenten accuses teasingly.
"Should I now?"
"Please…"
Neji shifts as he lies himself down, his back resting against the arm rest so that he is slightly propped up. Tenten makes herself comfortable, resting her head beneath his chin, her arms still around him. Neji sighs and Tenten waits.
"I see courage, loyalty, trust, honour, and everything else I love. I see you Tenten," he finally admits, looking down on her, "Now you understand?"
Neji doesn't like to open up like that, but he understands it is necessary. And it's worth it, he thinks, as her eyes lit up.
"You love me?" she asks, her voice wondering. Neji can't help but raise an eyebrow.
"Is that so strange?" he asks in return, covering his fear. Tenten smiles, and her eyes sparkle. She releases him to put her hands to his chest, making it possible for her to come up to his level. Slowly she puts her lips on him, kissing him softly, hesitantly. Neji doesn't hesitate, as his arms tighten around her and responds enthusiastically, quickly taking control. Tenten doesn't complain,(although she can't with his lips smashed to hers) and allows him to kiss her hungrily. Tenten hadn't been the only one wanting this. Neji's lips massage hers as his hands creep under her T-shirt. Tenten doesn't protest, as it is only her back which he is feeling. Neji wants more, and he knows she too. Slowly he runs his tongue over her bottom lip, begging entrance. Tenten doesn't let him, teasing him until he capture's her bottom lip with his teeth. She smiles as she finally lets him discover her mouth, moaning as he does so.Unconsciously her hands release their death grip on Neji's shirt as they begin to wander, slipping under his T-shirt and touching the muscles she had seen him dry today. Both are running out of air so slowly Neji retreats again, capturing her lips one more time before redrawing completely.
"No," Tenten says somewhat breathless, "And I don't mind at all,"
With a smirk Neji captures her lips again. Words come later, he knows she loves him as well. The couple are to involved with each other to see that the rain continues to fall, yet somehow less harsh then before.
The end.
Please tell me what you think. Because I personally can't believe I wrote this…this is just so…fluffy… But after Not You, I decided that they could have a break, I'll just torture them again later
I think Neji was ou of character to...all well...
Have a nice day, and I hope you enjoyed this story.
Until next time.
Gasha Aisu.