Iggy's Nightmare"
By NocturnalFerri
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't plan on buying. Don't sue. Got it? Kewl.
Tip o' da hat ta emme. This insanity couldn't have started withoutcha.
PS, I wrote this a loooonnnnggg time ago
Oh! Biggggggg note!!!! Ok, this is in MiB's future, sorta, when Zed finally retires and hands the reigns over to Jay and Elle.
"Grrzerp Zeiiieep wizzzzzt?"
"Sorry Joe, I don't know where the lighter is." Snapped Iggy in the same language. He shrugged at the Vermar next to him. He looked as uptight as one of his kind could get.
The Vermar whimpered. He dropped his head and studied the intricate design on the floor. Well, as intricate as you could get with a black and white tiled floor. Joe looked on the verge of whining. He suddenly realized something. He wrr-ed to Iggy, "Zerp?"
Iggy sighed. "Sorry buddy. It's just that the new grizziplix (human equivalent to darn) recruit forgot to go shopping again."
Joe's eyes widened to the size of softballs and dramatically clutched at his heart. He stumbled backward and crashed into the Marlboro boxes and coffee cans in the corner. "Gerrzzzzzerp?!" he exclaimed. It was like the equivalent of a human "What?!"
"'Fraid so." Frowned Iggy. He was trying to pull himself together. Then all of a sudden, Iggy got angry. "First the rookie calls us Vermars upright centipedes then she forgets to go shopping again. What will he do next?!" He clenched up his bony fists and started hyperventilating. Joe came over and patted Iggy on the shoulder.
"Take it easy Ig."
Iggy calmed down…a little. Just then, the door opened to reveal a man in black. It wasn't much of a description. It described just about everyone here. MiB Agent Zee poked his head into the room. "Hey, Iggy. Hate to tell ya this but Agent Emme didn't buy the this week. She's on assignment with Arre on Etariious. She won't be back for a while." The man closed the door.
The two Vermars just stood there staring at the door. And as one, collapsed.
"Iggy?"
"Iggy!"
"Iggy?!"
"IGGY!"
"I'm busy Joe." Iggy was marching down Corridor H with Joe tagging behind. Well, to be more precise, dragging behind. Joe had grabbed Iggy's forearm and was trying to stop Iggy from going to the Main room. Joe dug his heels into the floor trying to get some traction. That wasn't much help though. Vermars didn't wear any shoes.
They had gotten to the end of Corridor H and were now in the MIB control room. Men and Women in Black were rushing all over. This also included aliens off all kinds. Arquellians, Batilians, Pioloniraianlians, and all of the other -lians. No one paid much attention to Iggy and poor Joe though. They were too busy saving the world from the scum of the universe to notice a Vermar on the rampage.
Iggy was stalking down the aisles of desks toward the head honcho's office. Only Agent Esse noticed the two. "Hey Joe! Emme didn't get the coffee again?"
Joe looked at him with sad eyes. "Yeah." he pouted his lips. Iggy sped up suddenly. "Ackk."
Iggy stomped up the steps to the office and kicked open the door. Jay was standing next to Elle showing her some report when Iggy scrambled up on top of the desk. He stood on the black metallic but kind of ceramic desk and made a grab of Jay's collar.
"Where's my COFFEE?!" Iggy yelled. He was still clinging to the collar.
Jay put his hands up. "I don't know, Iggy. I though Emme was getting it for you."
Iggy growled. "She's on ASSIGNMENT! No thanks to you!!!!" Iggy started making wild jabs at Jay's head. He only missed once making him fall to the floor. He grabbed Jay's bland black necktie before he landed though. Jay started to gag, but that didn't stop Iggy. He started whacking at Jay's legs, since they were the only thing he could reach. He was beating Jay up pretty well. Jay was doubled over and protecting his head from Iggy's attacks.
"Aahh! Iggy! Quit it!" Said Jay.
He didn't comply. In fact, it made him whack Jay even more.
"It's," Iggy whacked him. "All," *smack again* "Your," *whack* "Fault," *smack* "Jay *whack* "You," *smack* "Big," *whack* "Galunk!!!" *whack, whack*
Iggy was still whacking at Jay when Elle felt sorry for Jay and intervened. "Iggy! Calm down." She tried to take hold of Iggy's thin shoulders and yank him from Jay. It didn't work. Iggy was still smacking away. All Elle got from her efforts was a bop on the head.
"Hey!" yelped Elle. He was a pretty good shot, for a little guy. It hurt. Elle rubbed her head. Jay was still was being smacked. She knew Jay wouldn't hit Iggy back. He was too fond of the little but scrappy alien to do that. Elle sighed. She guess it was up to her to save Jay from being beated to a pulp again. She went over and grabbed Iggy by the scruff of the neck and lifted him up in the air.
Iggy yelped. "Agh! Hey! Leggo uh me. Leggo. Leggo, Elle!" He took a few swings in the air and a couple of kicks but Elle held him tight and far away from her.
Jay straightened up from his defensive stance. He coolly brushed away a couple of wrinkles from this suit. Elle still held Iggy in mid air. "What's wrong with him, doc?" he asked.
Elle was puzzled. "I don't know. I don't know too much about the biology of Vermars."
Iggy's attempts of escapes stopped. He hung limply and started sobbing.
Elle and Jay were even more confused.
Iggy shook out from Elle's hold. She let go. Iggy crumpled to the floor weeping his little eyes out. He started to speak. "Th-th-th-th-th-here's no m-mo-more coffeeeeeeeeee." He wailed. He broke into more sobs.
"Coffee?" said Jay scratching his head.
"Yup." Said a voice. Jay and Elle looked to Joe. He had watched the whole scene from a safe corner of the room. He now walked up to Jay and Elle. "Once a Vermar has experienced caffeine or tobacco or any other they cannot stop. They must receive a steady supply or else we go…berserk." He patted poor Iggy on the shoulder. "Poor Iggy, here didn't get his weekly supply. If we don't get caffeine for a certain period of time our mental chemicals get out of whack. And make us…unstable." he gestured to Iggy.
"How come you're not going berserk?" Asked Elle.
Joe gave her a wan smile. "I never tried coffee. I think I'm allergic to it. I stick with cigarettes."
Iggy suddenly leaped up from his position on the floor and looked defiantly at Jay. He shouted at the top of his lungs. "You got that right! I wouldn't be like this if YOU didn't ship Emme off to another galaxy!" He started for another round with Jay. He made a lunge for him but Jay saw him coming. He made a quick sidestep and Iggy fell flat on his face. He scrambled up on his feet once more and scurried on top of Jay's already messed up desk. He started jumping up and down. He pumped his fist into the air and shouted, "I demand my demand it for all Vermars everywhere. Us Vermars deserve the right to our share of coffee at anytime we want! Power to the caffeine addicts!!!! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" Iggy was pumping his scrawny fists into the air and jumping up and down atop of Jay's desk. Papers, folders, pens, pencils and not to mention Jay's sunglasses were flying all over the place.
He was still going though his little alien riot when Jay said quietly. "Sorry Iggy, I can't do anything about it." Iggy's jumping slowed and his shouts became a soft wail. Jay continued. "It's just that the Zetorians have taken the coffee plantations hostage. They're angry with the Vermarian government for shipping the metals they need. So, they're cutting off the local Caffeine supply until the Vermars apologize and send the materials. I sent Agents Emme, Arre and Tee over there to negotiate with them. Until then, they won't let any shipments of coffee out. They don't even have any in stores."
Iggy stopped pitching his fit and sank to his knees. He looked down at the floor and suddenly threw his arms in the air and begged at the ceiling. "Noooooooooo! Not that! Anything but that! Wahhhhhhhhh!" Iggy cured his tail around him and hung his head. Elle and Jay went to either sides oh him and sat down. Jay rested a hand on Iggy's shoulder in a small attempt to comfort the little guy. Iggy jumped at the touch and grabbed Jay's already mangled suit lapels. He pleaded. "You have *got* to do something, Jay!!!" he shook Jay as hard as he yelled it. He twisted around and shook Elle at the lapels as well. "You've got to help me!!!" he wailed. He finally collapsed in a sobbing heap on Elle's shoulder. Elle looked bewildering at the caffeine-depleted alien. Four story tall bugs and human eating flowering plum trees were one thing, but a coffee addicted alien was another.
Joe took Iggy by the arm and tried to lead him out of the office. Iggy went along, dragging his feet. He went on one last rampage and thew a punch at Jay's office window. Like al of the other times, it shattered into a million pieces. Iggy held his chin up and waltzed out the door slamming it shut. It shattered the glass on that too.
Iggy dragged Joe down to the big room he marched down the isle of desks. "Iggy? Where we goin'?" asked Joe still being dragged.
Iggy didn't answer. He was too pissed. He reached his destination. The agent's coffee machine. Iggy stopped right smack dab in front of the machine. He let go if Joe. Joe sighed in relief.
Iggy looked at he machine determinedly. He looked back at Joe. He pointed to the ground. "Assume the position."
"Say wha?" said Joe.
Iggy conked a fist over Joe's head. "Ow! Ok, Ig. Ok!" Joe crouched down with his bony fingers intertwined together creating as step. Iggy scrambled up on to Joe's shoulders. He peered insider the machine.
"Well?" grunted Joe struggling under Iggy's weight.
"I think, I think, I think I see packets of, of, of…AHH!" Iggy and Joe crashed to the floor. Iggy shook his head. "I gotta get some money!" declared Iggy. He grabbed Joe's tail and dragged him over to the Agent desk area. He looked around side to side.
Joe yanked his tail away from Iggy. "Whatcha doin' now Ig?"
Iggy dragged a chair over to Arre's desk. "Is the ghost clear?"
Joe looked at the hyperactive alien oddly. "Yes, and the earth saying is 'Is the coast clear?'."
Iggy waved him off. "Yeah yeah." He climbed up o the chair and yanked open the drawer. He rummaged though Arre's belongings. "Hmm, paper, paper, paper, hardcopies, paperclips, spare glasses, pens, computer techie stuff, notes, manuals, and what the heck is this?" Iggy held up a picture of Arre in civvies and some guy, also in civvies. They were smiling with their arms around each other. Iggy clucked his tongue. "Well, well, who's this?"
"Ig..." warned Joe.
Iggy whipped his head around. "What? Whoops!" he spotted Cee passing by. He slammed the drawer shut and hid the picture. He waved to Cee. "Uh, Hiya Cee!"
Cee looked at the Vermar suspiciously. "Uh, hi Iggy." She glanced at Arre's desk. She frowned a bit. "Ok, well, bye, Iggy."
"See ya Cee!" cried Iggy cheerfully. He tucked the picture into the drawer and bonded over to the next desk. "Arre never has any spare change." He leapt up on the desk and rummaged though Emme's Pencil holder. "Pencils, pens, hair clip, mocha lipstick, glitter lip stick, gloss, blush, eye shadow…" Iggy looked at Joe. "Great Ford, Joe! I never knew Jay let any agent have this much makeup!" Joe shrugged. Iggy tossed the stuff back into the holder. "Nothing."
Iggy collapsed into a long legged sitting position on the floor. "WHAT DO I DO!!!!" he wailed. Joe patted Iggy on the shoulder. Iggy's head snapped up. "I know!!" he leapt to his feet and dragged Joe.
Joe rolled his eyes and slapped his hand over his eyes. "Here we go again.
"There she was justa walkin' down the street sayin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do!" belted out Iggy snapping his fingers to the beat.
"Bawitda baw da bang da dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said up jump the boggie!"
"Hey mista DJ keep playing this song for me!" sang Iggy off key. He sang all the human songs he knew and a few old Vermar drinking songs. They sounded pretty much the same.
Some of the agents and visitors who passed him gave him a few stares. Some, who were either amused or just felt sorry for him tossed him a couple of standard credits. As soon as the 4th one hit the floor Iggy scooped them all up, and dragged Joe back to the vending machine. He pointed at the ground.
Joe sighed and bent over. "I know, I know."
Iggy scrambled up on Joe's shoulders. Iggy thrust the coins into the slot and jabbed his finger at the button. A cup dropped down and a hot brown liquid squirted into the cup. Iggy was practically leaping with joy. The machine had barely poured out the last drop when Iggy snatched it and chugged it down his throat.
Joe studied Iggy's face. "Well?"
Iggy tossed the cup over his shoulder, hitting Zee on the head. EEEWW!" yelled Iggy gagging. "It's decafe!!" he gagged even more.
Joe looked at the cup Zee had chucked back at them. Iggy was so wrapped up in his sailormoon like wailing he didn't notice the paper cup hit him. "So? It looks alright."
Iggy looked at Joe as if he had sprouted a second head. He grasped him by the shoulders and throttled him "are you completely insane!? It's not he same!!" he broke down sobbing.
Joe patted Iggy on the shoulder. "Aw, don't worry Iggy. Those agents are pretty good. They'll get the whole Colombian thing settled quicker then it takes a vermitistaliherecktorattiriian to pronounce their last name. You just gotta wait."
Ig's head snapped up. Joe cringed, waiting for another out burst. Iggy pumped his fist in the air and cried. "I will not give up!" He started to reach for Joe's wrist, to drag him away but Joe already had his arm held out with the other draped across his eyes.
"I know I know. You don't even have to say it." Iggy seized Joe's writs and made mad dash to where the alien humdinger booth was. Iggy peeped over the desk. He saw agent Doubleyou there filling out paper work. He looked at Iggy.
"Hey, yo, how's it hangin' Iggy?"
"I need a humdinger."
Doubleyou lifted an eyebrow. "Sheesh, no 'Hi Doubleyou'?"
Iggy glowered at him. "OK, OK, Ig.." Doubleyou held up his palms facing outward in a universal surrender gesture. He called up an alien disguise from on his screen. "How long will you need the disguise for?"
"Just a few standard hours." Replied Iggy.
"What for?"
"Just to hang out. Check out the terran world." Replied Iggy.
Doubleyou looked at the two Vermars suspiciously. "You and Joe?" Iggy nodded enthusiastically while Joe hung back. Iggy elbowed him.
"Yeah!" yelped Joe rubbing his ribs.
Doubleyou hesitantly asked for their MIB ID cards, checked them out, and handed them back. "Alright. As much as I'd hate to release you two to the human world, You're humdingers are in the reserve fitting deck." Iggy and Joe turned to leave wen the agent called out. "Oh and Ig? Joe?" they turned around "There's a couple limits on the suits."
"Like what?" demanded Iggy.
"You can't go within a meter of a computer."
"Why?!"
Doubleyou folded his arms. "If my manual on Vermars is right, you guys were the one who introduced chain letters to earth." Iggy and Joe snickered. He continued. "And you can't go near a phone."
"Why!"
"Vermars started the world's first prank phone calls."
"Oh." said Iggy frowning. "Fine take all the fun out of it." He thought. Before Doubleyou could say anything else he dragged Joe off to the fitting room.
"Iggy. I will never. Ever. Ever. Forgive you for this." Grumbled Joe. He tugged his T-shirt. "You know I hate dumb human outfits. I hate their style of clothing. I hate clothing in general." Complained Joe.
Iggy's human form placed its hands on his hips. "So?"
Joe shook his human head. A mass of blond locks fell over his eyes. "I hate hair too!" Joe's human disguise was of a typical human preteen. It was the only disguise available that would suit the Vermars' short lanky form. He had a mop of blond hair, blue eyes, and wore a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. To any human, he would look like a 12-year-old boy. Iggy on the other hand, had short black hair, a one green eye and one purple eye. Hey, the suits were on clearance.
"C'mon, we gotta find me some coffee!!" announced Iggy. He worked the unfamiliar limbs of the disguise and grabbed Joe's arm and dragged him out of the fitting room and into the human world.
Iggy and Joe stumbled out of the MIB building and onto battery drive. Joe and Iggy looked about in total confusion. All kinds of people were mulling about going this way and that.
"Lets go!" Iggy announced in Vermarian, about to yank Joe's sleeve.
Joe pulled back. "Tsk tsk Iggy. English, remember? We have to act like humans."
Iggy fiddled with a little device attached to the collar of his disguise's clothing collar. The universal translator. "Francais?"
"That's French."
"Espagnol?"
"Spanish."
"Word up, man."
"Brookynese."
"G'dai mite."
"Austrailian."
"Dude."
"Californian, or Agent Esse or Cee talk."
"Howz dis?"
"Perfect."
"So wat' dis called?"
"New Yorker."
Iggy shook his head. "Such strange dialects theses humans have."
Joe nudged him. "New Yorker talk!"
"Er, I meant, er, yo, coo speak man."
Joe shook his head. Iggy grabbed the little handle on the back of Joe's backpack and yanked him. "Let's go!"
"Wait a nano Iggy!" cried Joe. "where are we goin'?!"
Iggy stopped in his tracks. "Uh, good question. All I know is that we're going to get coffee and that's that."
"What is that place that Emme and Esse always talk about. The one with great coffee?" asked Joe.
"Um, Starbucks."
"Yeah. Why don't we look there?"
"Yeah! Let's go!!" Cried Iggy already running to the right.
"Uh, Ig?"
Iggy looked back. "Yeah?" he said impatiently.
Joe pointed to a sign. It said. "Starbucks This way. "
"Oh…Let's go!" Iggy made their way to Starbucks. It was a few blocks from the HQ. After nearly getting run over a few dozen times they reached the well-known coffee shop.
"We're here!" cried Iggy. He started to kiss the sidewalk in front of Starbucks in thanks. "Oh my coffee savior."
Joe blushed. A human passerby eyed Iggy kneeling down on the sidewalk worshiping the buildings in curiously. "Uh, mental patient." Explained Joe. The humans seemed to accept that. Joe grabbed Iggy's shirt collar and yanked him to his feet. "Iggy!" he hissed. "Get a hold of yourself!"
Iggy took a deep breath. "Sorry. LET'S GO IN!" he started to open the glass door when he found it wouldn't budge. "Ugh! OPEN!!!"
Joe looked around. He noticed a paper sign on the other door. Joe tried to access his translator but found it hadn't downloaded yet. "Darn it." He pulled out his Vermar/English dictionary from his backpack. "Um, lets see. C, l, o, s, e, d. closed. C, o, f, f, e, e. Coffee. S, h, i, p, m, e, n, t. shipment. I, s. Is. L, a, t, e. late. W, e. we. W, i, l, l. will. B, e. be. C, l, o, s, e, d. closed. U, n, t, i, l. Until. F, u, r, t, h, e, r. Further. N, o, t, i, c, e. notice. T, h, a, n, k. Thank. Y, o, u. you. -m, a, n, a, g, e, m, e, n, t. Management."
By the time Iggy heard the words "closed" he started bawling his eyes out again. Joe frowned then patted his friend's back. "Now now Iggy. We'll find you some coffee. Stop crying before the inside of that disguise gets soggy."
Iggy sniffled one more time before he looked at Joe. "Ok. Where do we go now?"
Joe looked around. "Um a supermarket?"
Iggy clapped Joe hard on the back of his disguise almost sending Joe face first to the pavement. "Great thinkin' Joe!"
"Uh, thanks?"
Iggy began walking down the block before asking Joe. "Uh, what's a supermarket?"
Joe shook his head. "Sheesh Ig. You haven't studied up on you human culture have you?"
Iggy shrugged. "Don't like reading manuals."
"Figured"
Iggy whirled around to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?!" he threatened. He held up a bony fist.
"Break it up you two." Interrupted a Scottish voice. The two Vermars looked up. It was an NYPD officer. The tall officer started down at the two.
Iggy gulped. "Uh, hi ya, uh," he searched for the right slang word. "Uh, copper?"
"Hi officer." said Joe waving.
"What's going on here?" the officer asked.
"Uh, nothing." said Iggy.
"What's you name kid?"
Iggy looked franticly at Joe. Joe rolled his eyes at his friend and said. "I'm Joe Smith. That's my friend Greg Igalls, everyone calls him Iggy though."
The police officer looked suspiciously at he two so called boys. "A little friendly argument?"
"Uh, yeah officer." Stammered Iggy.
"Over what?"
Joe and Iggy looked at each other. "Uh, which way's the supermarket." Said Joe. "Ya see, we're from outta town. Our parents are waitin' for us back at our hotel an' they sent us ta get some, uh, what were we getting' Iggy?"
"Coffee!" Blurted out Iggy. He then added. "Uh, and bread and uh, milk."
"Well, you aren't gonna find any supermarkets around here." Said the officer. "Nor anywhere in the city." He tapped his chin. "Well, you could try that gourmet shop over on 52nd street. It ain't gonna be cheap though."
"Thanks officer." Said Iggy in a rush. He yanked Joe. "Let's go!" Joe choked a bit and ran after Iggy. "Ig! Ig! Iggy! Ah, blast it. Griikizzisk!"
Iggy screeched to a halt. "What?!" he whipped is head around to face Joe. "Such language Joe!"
Joe rolled his human eyes. "Well, I got you're attention, didn't I?" He folded his arms. "I'm assuming we're going to the gourmet place right?"
"UH HUH!"
"How we gonna get there, Ig?" Iggy opened his mouth wide. No sound came out. "Uh, haven't thought of that." Iggy stopped a passer by. "Hey, um, mister? How do you get to 52nd avenue?"
"Take the R then the J to 50th and take the M23." Said the man in a man in a hurry. He rushed off.
Iggy grinned at Joe "Let's go!!!" Joe stopped him a second time. "Ig?"
Iggy sighed at Joe. "What is it now?" he whined.
"Do you even know what the M23 is?"
Iggy held up a digit and replied. "The m23 is a, uh, uh, ,uh…."
Joe shook his head. "Thought so." He dragged Iggy to the stairs that led down to the subway. Iggy panicked.
"Where we goin'?! Hey! Lemmie go! Where we goin'! What's this big hole in the ground for!?" he heard the loud rumble of the train. "AHHH!!! What in the name of the Vermarian gods is that?! Something humans use for sacrifice rituals?! AHH!! Lemmie go Joe! I don't want to get sent to the big coffee cup in the sky! Joe!!!"
"IGGY!" yelled Joe. He smacked Iggy hard. "Snap out of it!" Iggy pouted. Joe reached into his backpack and pulled out a gold and blue card. It had a strip of black running across. He handed one to Iggy.
Iggy examined the new object. He turned it about in his hands. "Hmm, nice." Iggy bent it a bit and let go hearing the *whinny* noise it made. He giggled. "What is this thingy Joe? Umm, smells like plastic."
"That's cuz it is, Ig."
"Oh." Iggy's ears perked. "Ah, um." He held it before his face. "Food? Kinda smells like coffee." Deciding, 'what the heck', Iggy stuck the Metrocard in his mouth.
"AHH! No Iggy!" Joe wrestled the card out of Iggy's mouth. When Joe finally pried it away from Iggy, it was dripping with saliva. "Ieeuck." He noticed some of the humans were staring at them. "Uh, nothin' to worry 'bout folks. Uh, he's just my psychotic little bro. He's uh, mentally unfit." He gripped Iggy by the collar. "C'mon bro. The psychiatrist needs to see you now."
Iggy looked dazed. "Huh? The pee-sike-kite-eee-trist?"
"Yeah." muttered Joe. He shoved the Metrocard into Iggy's hands. "Look. This. Is. Not. Food. It. Is. Not. Coffee. Got that?" he stuck a finger into Iggy's chest, pushing him back. Iggy nodded. "You slide it through a thingy in the turnstile thingy to get though. That's what the manual thingy said."
"So you take the thingy and slide it through the thingy to get through the thingy, to get near the killer sacrifice thingy." Summarized Iggy.
"Right!" said Joe. "Let's go into the thingy!" He thrust a fist in the air.
Iggy pouted as they stumbled thought the turnstile. "Are we gonna get sacrificed by the thingy?"
"No."
"Is there coffee in the thingy?"
"No."
"Oh…*sniff*.
Joe led Iggy down to the platform. Iggy scrambled up to the thick yellow line. "Ooh! Pretty!" He stuck his head over the edge. "What's those neat lookin' rails?" Iggy began to teeter off the edge.
"Iggy!"
Iggy looked innocently at him. "Yeeesssss?"
"Iggy. Heel. Sit. Stay."
"What are your talking about?" asked Iggy
"Forget it." There was a loud rush of noise. Iggy panicked. "What was that what was that what was that?!"
"It's the primitive mode of transportation they call the train." Explained Joe. "Don't you ever read the manuals?"
"No." Iggy hyped up. "AHHH!! IT'S THE HUMAN SACRIFICE THINGY!!!"
Joe slapped his forehead. "Iggy!"
Iggy went into innocent mode. "Yes?"
"Shut up."
"Ohkay."
An hour and a half later, several transfers and panic attacks later, Iggy and Joe emerged from the subway.
Iggy was still a bit high strung from encountering several human sacrifice monsters that apparently didn't like Vermars. Joe on the other hand, was exhausted from keeping Iggy somewhat in line. "Iggy?'
"Yeah?"
"Remind me never to take you on the train ever again. At least, not on earth."
"Ok."
Iggy sniffed the air. "COFFEE!" he exclaimed. He took off at a wild sprint leaving Joe chasing after him.
"Ig! Haul your scrawny little behind back here!" yelled Joe. He wove though the hordes of people in the sidewalk and ran up next to Iggy. "Yo Iggy! Slow up, man!" he pounced on Iggy tacking them both to the ground.
"Hey man, wha you do dat for?" slurred Iggy face first on the ground.
Joe smacked the backside of his head. "Calm down!"
"Ok."
"Now," Joe got up and brushed himself off. "What are you so excited about?"
"Coffee."
"Where?"
"Somewhere.
"Could you be more specific?'
"In a mug."
"What kind of mug?"
"A white mug with orange and pink polka dots."
Joe slapped his forehead. "IGGY!" He looked around. "That guy said to check the gourmet place. Now, where would that be? Hmm…"
"Joe." Iggy tugged on Joe's sleeve
"It might be on 32nd street. No, maybe Lexington. Nah. 5th? Heck no. That place is overrun with Holikicitysins anyway…"
"Joe." Iggy waved his hand before Joe's face.
"It's gotta be around here somewhere…
"Joey." Iggy whined.
"Maybe it's on the next block. I could swear it was here."
"Joe."
"Leave me 'lone Ig." Said Joe smacking Iggy's hand away. "Maybe we got off a stop early.
"Joe."
"Or maybe we took a wrong turn at…
"JOE!"
Joe snapped his head around nearly breaking the disguise's neck. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF FORD DO YOU WANT!!" he yelled at Iggy.
Iggy cringed holding up his arms before him lest Joe tries and strangles him. "Um, um, um, um…"
"SPIT IT OUT!"
Iggy pointed to his right. Joe looked. Right before them was a neat little gourmet food shop. "Oh." Joe let out a few select creative curses.
Iggy grinned up at him. "Don't," warned Joe heading into the store.
"What?" said Iggy innocently. "Was I going to say anything?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Yeah. Right."
The little store was filled with overpriced delicacies from around the world. Some from even off planet. You know those darned things they call crumpets? What the heck are they anyway? You don't see anyone really eating those. What ever they are.
Joe and Iggy walked into the store. Iggy's eyes are already darting around looking for his beloved coffee. "Coffee coffee coffee!"
"Iggy."
"Yeah?"
"Heel?"
"Arf."
"Hello boys. I'm Gina. Can I help you?' Joe and Iggy looked around. It was a lady in her late 30s. She wore this green puffy smock bearing the store's logo on it.
"Yup yup yuppers!" cried Iggy. Joe decided to ignore him.
Joe scratched the back of his humdinger's next to make it look authentic. "Er, we're kinda looking for a gift."
"Yeah a gift!' piped Iggy."
"It- it- it's for our Aunt.' Said Joe trying to think something up.
"Yup yup!" said Iggy. "Our aunt."
Gina smiled. "What does she like?"
Joe scratched his head this time. "Er, She kinda has a thing for coffee."
Iggy was practically hopping up and down. "Yup yup! Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee!!!" Joe shot him a look that was more then worthy of the master of all dirty looks, Zed himself. Iggy shut up and shrunk back.
"Forgive my little brother." Apologized Joe sending another glare at the Vermar. "He was born hyperactive." He sent another glare Iggy's way. "I'm also beginning to suspect he was dropped on the head as a baby.
Gina smiled knowingly. "Oh that's alright. At least we know he won't be needing any coffee." Iggy was a bout to protest when Joe clamped a hand over his mouth.
"MMPPPH!!"
Joe smiled sweetly. "I don't suppose you have nay coffee in stock, do you?"
"Well," said Gina. "We don't have that much in stock, if any." Iggy began to gag in horror.
Gina shook her head. "From what I hear there's some kind of epidemic and they're holding back all the coffee shipments until the crisis is over."
"MMPPPH!" Iggy bit Joe's hand. Joe yelped. The synthi-humdinger flesh wasn't as thick as he thought. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" he cried. He started to whimper.
Joe cringed. "Uh, well, um, uh, he's uh, um, kinda, er, fond of, er, our, um, aunt." He stammered.
Gina stared at Iggy oddly. "Uh, I can see that."
Joe rubbed the back of his neck. "Are you um, sure, you don't uh, have any uh, coffee products?"
The storekeeper cut her stare at Iggy and refocused on Joe. "Huh? Oh, um, perhaps.' she started heading for the back of the store. "I'll go check the back. Why don't you boys just look around for a sec, kay?" the door closed.
Iggy whipped his head side to side. 'Huh? Kay? He's here? Kay? Huh?"
Joe rolled his eyes. "Ig. Relax. Kay's not here. He's safely tucked away somewhere in well, somewhere."
"Oh." said Iggy. "Whew."
Joe rolled his eyes for the millionth time and started to browse the aisles. It was quite interesting, seeing what items the humans called gourmet food. Joe laughed to himself. Little did humans know that all this stuff was, were repackaged alien food products that had gone way past the expiration date. It's amazing what humans think taste good. Then again, Joe had to give them credit, for they were the beings that created coffee. You could make a fortune selling old rotten alien nutri-bars, slapping another label on top, and saying it was fig Newtons or something. In fact, Joe had a cousin in Albuquerque that made a living selling rotten alien meat products to the board of education. Who knew mystery meat was actually fried Zoogian cow brains? Joe had finished browsing over a shelf of bon-bons Mexican made Switzerland chocolate when he heard a gasp. "Iggy?" hearing no response, Joe went over to investigate. When Joe turned the corner, he found Iggy in an interesting situation.
"Oh mon cher, j'aime tu. Oh la la…C'est cher!" murmured Iggy. The little Vermar was leaning over a meter high Folgers coffee can card board cut out. Just figure Pepe La Peu and a coffee cup and you'll get what Joe saw. "Your beautiful lid, your shiny green metal outside, your rich aroma, oh oh!" he gushed as he cuddled the cardboard to him. Joe groaned and Iggy finally looked up at hi. "A little privacy if you please." He hotly turned away to speak with the one he loved.
Joe shook his head. "Hey Ig. I'd hate to be the one to break it to you, but she's a cardboard cut out."
Iggy double taked at the cut out and let go of it. "Why Folgers! You never told me! It's over between us." Iggy walked away with a devastated look on his face. "I'll never love again."
Joe sighed and patted his friend's shoulder. "Better to have loved then have not loved at all."
Iggy growled. "Try it." He relented.
"Ther's more fish in the sea. There's more coffee cans in the grocery store…" he then remembered the situation.
There was click and the sound of a door close…It was Gina. Joe and Iggy snapped to attention, putting on their best innocent faces. She gave them a sad smile. "I'm sorry kiddies. I couldn't find any."
"Wah!" cried Iggy. Joe elbowed him hard and ignored him.
"Do you know of any stores that might carry some?" he asked Gina.
"I'm sorry. If we don't have it, no one else would."
"WAH!" cried Iggy harder.
"It's alright." Said Joe. He took Iggy's upper arm and dragged him to the door. "I'm sorry to have taken up your time. Thank you for your help."
When the two of them got outside, Iggy gripped Joe's tee shirt, close to hysterics. "We have got to keep trying. We just gotta!!"
Joe was about to come up with an excuse when one was provided for him. A string of beeps came from his watch. "Sorry Iggy. Our Disguise rental time is almost up. We have to head back to HQ."
"Aw…" pouted Iggy. "Do we gotta?"
"Sorry buddy. It's the Cinderella complex."
"Huh?"
"Human children's literature reference. Did you take human lit 101?"
"No, I needed up with basket weaving 101."
"Oh."
Iggy was silent for a long time while the pair walked up and down the streets looking for a subway station. When they did reach the stairs leading down, Iggy paled.
"We're not going down in there again, are we Joe? Were not gonna get attacked by the human sacrifice thingy, right Joe? RIGHT?!"
Joe sighed and gripped Iggy's shoulder and dragged him kicking and screaming all the way. "Here we go again."
After several human sacrifice thingy psychotic episodes, Joe managed to drag his Vermar friend back into MIB Headquarters. Joe and Iggy tiredly stepped into the big room. Iggy was completely energy depleted. If his tail had been showing out of his disguise, it would have been dragging on the floor. On their way to returning the humdingers, they met up with Agent Esse. She was doing paperwork at her desk. Sort of. The report for the last skimmer that she and her partner Cee had apprehended was on her screen, but her attention was focused on a drawing pad in her lap.
"Hey Esse, what's up?" said Joe.
Esse didn't look up and continued to draw. "Nothing much Joe. Just finishing up a sketch." She then looked up. "Oh! Whoops, sorry kiddo. I thought you were Joe." She saw Iggy. "Oh, hey. What are you kids doing here?" she double taked at Iggy. "What's with you? You look so…un-hyper."
"Coffee. Must have coffee." Said Iggy in a weak voice. He collapsed face first on the floor.
"Huh?" yelped Esse. She tossed her sketchpad on her desk and leapt to her feet to help. Joe made a face.
"Leave him alone." Said Joe. "He's been like that all day."
"That sounded like Iggy." Said Esse.
"It is."
"Huh?"
Joe rolled his eyes and activated a switch behind Iggy's ear. Iggy's human face unclasped and Joe slid the zipper down Iggy's back, totally revealing Iggy's Vermar form. "We borrowed Humdingers for the day." He explained.
"Oh." said Esse as she watched Joe unzip his disguise. "Aw, didja have to take the humdinger off?"
"Yeah," said Iggy. "It was gettin' kinda itchy." He scratched his third arm.
"Too bad," said Esse. "You two were pretty adorable." Joe and Iggy blushed. "Hey, you better return those things to Doubleyou before he pitches a fit."
"True that." nodded Iggy and Joe. Before they could head off Doubleyou was running up to them.
"Where were you guys!!" Doubleyou yelled. " You were supposed to be back here an hour ago."
"The human sacrifice thingy was out to get us and it was kinda off schedule." said Iggy. Doubleyou and Esse gave him a look before Joe translated.
"The train was late."
"Oh."
Double you and Esse started talking shop, about some skimmer that had gotten lost in Los Angeles. Joe jumped in on the conversation. The three of them didn't notice when Iggy started to wander off.
Doubleyou grinned. "So the alien goes up to Cher and says-
All of a sudden, there was a loud crash. All of them turned around. Piles of crates, data pads, ray bans and such lay in a giant heap. At the very bottom of it all, was Iggy.
"Iggy!" Joe rushed over. "Buddy! Speak to me! Speak to me!!" Joe dug around, desperately trying to free his friend.
Iggy looked up from under near an empty box. "No coffee."
"AHHH!" cried Joe. He gave up and tossed the boxes back on top of Iggy. "That's it I've had it! Coffee depletion syndrome of not! That's it! I don't wanna hear it!!" Joe stormed off and plunkered down on top of a desk.
"I think he's the one who needs the coffee." Whispered Esse to Doubleyou."
Hi ya people!" chirped Agent Cee. She waved a cheery hello as she and gee walked up to them.
"What's up?" added Gee. He saw Iggy pulling himself from the floor. "hey, what's up with Iggy?"
"Coffee depletion." Chorused Esse, Doubleyou and Joe.
"Oh." chorused Cee and Gee. "That explains it."
"Wha?" Iggy's nose suddenly went into the air and sniffed.
"What's the matter Ig?" asked Gee.
Iggy sniffed the air again. "I…smell…coffee!!!!!" Iggy zipped all over, tracking the smell. "Not in here!" cried Iggy as he popped his head out of the microwave. "Not here!" as he emerged from the inside of an alien's suitcase. "Nope!" he called from under Aee's desk. Iggy finally poked out of a wastepaper basket. "not here….wait! I got it!" Iggy cried. Iggy made a beeline straight for Cee.
"Hey what?" yelped Cee. Iggy sniffed at her feet, then in her pockets, clambered onto her shoulders and even smelled her hair. He finally clung onto Cee with his face very close to hers. "COFFEE FLAVORED LIP GLOSS!!!" Iggy cried as he gave Cee a sloppy kiss on the lips.
"IIIIEEEEEWWWWWWW!!! Screamed Cee. She shoved Iggy away from her and wiped roughly at her mouth. "YUCK!!"
Gee angrily gripped Iggy by the scruff of his neck. "What the heck was that for?!"
Iggy flailed in the air. "Hey! Lemmie go! It's not like she's your girlfriend of anything!!!"
Gee growled. "Explain yourself!"
Iggy pointed at Cee's lips. 'COFFEE MOCHA LIP GLOSS!!! CLAIROL!! SERIES 432 SHADE NUMBER 2!!
"Wow," Muttered Cee. "And I thought Esse was the fashion fanatic."
"Hey!" retorted Esse.
"He's actually right.' Said Cee. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a little cylinder of lipstick and opened it.
"AHH!!" Iggy launched himself at the container, yanked it out of Cee's hand and landed on the ground nibbling on the waxy mocha lip gloss.
"Ew." Said Joe. "How can you eat that stuff?"
Iggy looked up briefly with mocha flavored lipstick all over his face. "I dunno and I don't care. It's COFFEE!!"
"Now that's just pathetic." Commented Jay as he and Elle stepped out of his office. Iggy was still sore at Jay but, then again, Jay was still a bit sore from Iggy's beating as well.
Abajunga Zandunga Jay." Iggy stuck his tongue out at the head agent.
"Hey watch it Ig." Threatened Jay. "I have an Icer here and I'm not afraid to use it." Iggy sucked his tongue back in.
"We're back!" announced a voice. Agent Arre walking though the MIB agent shuttle bay doors. "Hey ya peoples!!"
"Hi Arre." Greeted Cee. "How was the mission?"
"Mad cool."
Emme came up from behind her and tugged at her hair. "Yeah, That's just because she snagged a cute alien guy's number."
Arre yelped in surprise and grinned. "Yeah, well, so did you."
"But he wasn't cute!" cried Emme. "He had a crater for a face. I mean, did you see him? Did you even talk to him?! He was soo dull! All he talked about was his pet tribble!"
"But I did spot you with that hot Aquarian diplomat guy." Pointed out Arre.
"Well, uh…" stammered Emme. "True, but he was only-"
"My point exactly." Cut off Arre. /*-- AN: sorry Emme, I just hadda get back at you for all the times you've stumped me at your debates. So there!! Ha! --*/
Emme had a really miffed expression on her face. "You may have won the battle Arre, but you haven't won the war." Arre just grinned in response.
Emme sighed. "Hey, where's Iggy?"
"Er," Doubleyou looked around. "Iggy's not exactly happy with you right now."
Emme tilted her head to the side. "Why's that?"
"Uh your week." Supplied Esse.
"Uh oh."
"EMME!!!!"
Emme turned around to see Iggy barreling at her shouting war cries. "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" he leapt at her and started smacking her with an empty instant coffee packet box. "HOW DARE YOU FORGET TO BUY COFFEE! THAT IS SO UNETHICAL!! IT'S A CRIMINAL ACT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THOUGH? YOU DEPRIVED MY LITTLE BODY FROM ESSENTIAL NOURISHMENT!! THAT'S MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE!! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE HERE!!"
"AHHH!" cried Emme as she shielded her face from Iggy's attack. Cee and Doubleyou came to her rescue, pulling Iggy off of her. Iggy was hyperventilating and still swinging the carton. "Take it easy Ig."
"TAKE IT EASY?!?" screeched the Vermar. "TAKE IT EASY?!?!? AHHH!!" Iggy started rattling off a few curse words in every single language he knew, and even some he made up.
Emme frowned. "Hey, who you calling scruffy?"
"GAH!!" cried Iggy as he flailed around, still trying to attack Emme.
"Whoa. Hold up Ig. Wait up!" cried Emme. She reached into her MIB standard issue black duffel bag. "Hmm, I got it around here somewhere…AHA!" she yanked something out and had a mischievous glimmer in her eye. "Ig."
"Yah?"
"If I give you something will you stop trying to kill me?"
Iggy looked suspicious. "What?"
"Promise not to kill me."
Iggy was getting antsy. "What!? Tell me tell me tell me!! I promise!"
Emme grinned. She was having fun. "Say pretty please."
"Pretty please."
"With sugar on top."
"With sugar on top."
"And fudge."
"And fudge."
"And Derek Jeter."
"And Derek Jeter."
"And-"
"EMME!!" Screeched Iggy.
Joe clamped his hands over his ears. "Agent Emme, you better tell him before he goes into hysterics again."
"Aw, but I was having fun." Grinned Emme. Cee elbowed her. "ok, ok. Here you go Ig." She handed the little Vermar a black plastic bag. Iggy promptly grabbed it and viciously ripped the bag open, bypassing the knot at the top and ripping the thin plastic to shreds.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Iggy jumped up and down screaming. "Oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-" Doubleyou clapped a hand to his mouth.
"What is it Iggy?"
Iggy shoved the item into Doubleyou's face. "COFFEE!!" Iggy started dancing all over the room waving the can of coffee in the air. "Coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee…"
"Gosh," muttered Cee. "You certainly made his day."
"Yup." Emme looked over at Joe. "What's the matter?"
Joe's jaw hit sublevel 16's floor. He closed it long enough to get out an answer. "Where'd you find it!? Ig and me searched all over Manhattan for coffee. We couldn't find anything! Not even mocha."
Cee made a face. "Yeah, he took my mocha lip gloss, you know, the one you gave me?" Cee wiped her lips again. "Never again will I wear that stuff."
"Pourquoi?" asked Emme.
"Il le mange." Replied Cee. "See? Evidence.," she pointed to the half chewed up chopstick container on the floor.
Arre made a face. "What-"
Doubleyou cut her off. "Don't bother. Just absorb the information and you'll be fine."
"Ah, yah, gotcha." Murmured Arre.
Iggy bound back and pounced on Emme. "Oh-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!"
"Gah! Get offa me!" yelped Emme shoving Iggy away from her. Iggy fell to the floor and clutched the can of coffee to her.
"Where did you find it?" whispered Iggy, cuddling the can to him.
"Zekarian airport terminal." Explained Emme. "Our ship had to take a stop over and I found it in the gift shop. It's one of the few places that weren't affected by the Colombia coffee containment. Half off too."
It was Joe's turn to have a psychotic episode. "You mean we searched all day, all over the city, looking for a single can of coffee…and it turns up in an air port gift shop?!?!?!" Emme and Arre looked at each other silently and nodded. Joe collapsed and hit the floor with a dull thud.
Esse knelt down to the fallen Vermar and checked his pulse. "Medic!"
Iggy check on his friend as he was carried away by a couple of MIB medics. Aee was already administering the Vermar equivalent of smelling salts as he was hauled away on the stretcher. After Joe was safely carried to medbay, Iggy ripped open the coffee can, tore off the protective foil sealing and thrust his long fingered hand into the can and pulled out a hand full of ground coffee. He held it before his face, savoring the aroma of the coffee. He was in pure heaven. He shoved the handful of coffee into his mouthy, and started to munch on the ground crystals.
"Ieeewie." Grimaced Cee. "How can you eat it like that."
"Please." Said Doubleyou. "You're talkin' to the guy who ate your chapstick."
"Point taken." Said Arre.
Iggy sighed in delight. "Ahhhh… I feel much better now." He leapt to his feet and started dancing again. The agents grew tired of Iggy's antics and turned around, all for them heading towards their respective desks. They could still hear the overjoyed cries of the little caffeine-addicted alien.
"Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee…Zzz…THUNK….zzzzzzzzz…….."
The agents turned around uniformly to see Iggy sleeping on the floor, his coffee can cuddled to him like a teddy bear "Zzz…zzz…zzz…snort…Zzzzzz…."
"Dude…" muttered Arre. "Major caffeine one shot over dose."
"Snort."
"Ig man agrees." Grinned Doubleyou.
"Anyone up for some coffee?" asked Esse.
"Bring it on." said Arre.
Doubleyou bent down to gently pry the can from Iggy's death grip. Doubleyou laughed. "It won't budge. I think I'll need the Jaws of Life for this one."
"Mmmfff….zzzzz…."
"Aw leave him alone." Said Cee in the Vermar's defense. "He's had a rough day. It's been one heck of a night mare for him."
"Nah," said Doubleyou. "A nightmare for Joe who had to follow him around all day."
"True that." Emme draped a blanket over Iggy's sleeping form. "Good night Iggy."
The agents left Iggy right in the middle of the main room's floor. While aliens and Agents rushed about their own intergalactic business, Iggy was caught up in his own little world of coffee dreams and mocha clouds with creamer lining.
**Finally! The End…after 2 years…*author collapses*…~**