DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of POTO, but this sketchy plotline and these words (well, some of them, anyway).

CRYSTAL: Okay, here it goes… First Phan-Fic--well, on this site. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine, who will be ranting with me in the beginning of all my stories and chapters… Geoff. Say hi, Geoff.

GEOFF: Hey.

CRYSTAL: Okay, are you ready to criticize me?

GEOFF: That depends.

CRYSTAL: On?

GEOFF: How bad your story is.

CRYSTAL: Gee… thanks.

GEOFF: You're welcome. ;)

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DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND: A POTO PARODY

CHAPTER 1: That's Illumination! -- "Prologue" to "Overture"

JOEL (To everyone on the set.)

Yo, bitches! Let's kick this shindig off the tracks!

ANDREW

What?

JOEL

Let's hit this thing into gear!

ANDREW

Huh?

JOEL

Just start rolling the fucking film!

ANDREW

Well, why didn't you just say that to begin with?

JOEL

Where the hell is everyone? Raoul! Madame Giry! Get on the fucking set, NOW!

(Raoul comes stumbling in and falls by Joel's feet.)

RAOUL

I'm sorry, Joel. There was some idiot in my way who wouldn't move.

(Raoul gets up and dusts himself off.)

JOEL

Where?

RAOUL

By the door.

(Raoul points to the door, where Joel and Andrew both look, only to realize that "some idiot" is actually one of the foundation posts of the set. They both give the same exact look suggesting: "You fucking dumb-ass" to Raoul, who notices.)

RAOUL (CONT'D.)

What?

ANDREW

You stupid, blind bastard.

(Andrew walks away.)

JOEL

Places! Where the hell is Giry?

MADAME GIRY

Your posture is absolutely outrageous, Monsieur Schulmacher! Straighten up, at once!

(Joel straightens up, but then realizes what the hell he's doing and goes back to his normal stance.)

JOEL

Wait a freakin' second there, Giry. I'M the director, you feel me?

MADAME GIRY (Inhaling.)

I suppose so, Monsieur.

JOEL

Great. Places, everybody!

MADAME GIRY (Under her breath.)

Trust me, I'd LIKE to feel you…

(She smirks and walks away to her spot across from Raoul, while Joel looks a little disturbed.)

JOEL (Aside.)

Maybe… when you're NOT wearing the old lady prosthetics. (Aloud.) Okay, are we ready NOW?

(Everyone nods.)

JOEL (CONT'D.)

Fan-fucking-tabulous! Ready? Quiet on the set!

(Suddenly, Joel hears giggling.)

JOEL (CONT'D.)

I said quiet, you fucking whore-bag!

CREW GIRL

Bastard!

JOEL

Thank you! Rolling… and action!

AUCTIONEER

SOLD. Your number, sir? Thank you. (Pauses.) Lot 663, then, ladies and gentlemen: a poster for this house's production of Hannibal by Chalumeau.

PORTER

Showing here.

AUCTIONEER (Speaks extremely fast.)

Do I have ten francs? Five then. Five I am bid. Six, seven. Against you, sir, seven. Eight? Eight once. Selling twice. SOLD… (slows down) to Monsieur Deferre. Thank you very much, sir. Lot 664--

(Porter interrupts him to whisper something in his ear.)

AUCTIONEER (CONT'D.)

--I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I have just been informed that Lot 664: the wooden pistol and three human heads, has been put on reserve for… pirates?

(Porter nods; Auctioneer just continues.)

AUCTIONEER (CONT'D.)

Anyway, Lot 665, ladies and gentlemen: a papier-mâché musical box in the shape of a barrel-organ. Attached--

MADAME GIRY

Don't care, I want it.

AUCTIONEER

Uh, okay. Fifteen francs, thank y--

RAOUL

Uh, no, it's mine.

AUCTIONEER

Yes, twenty from you, sir, thank--

MADAME GIRY

I claimed it first. Besides, it's not like you'd have the pleasure of looking at it. You can't see it.

AUCTIONEER

Twenty-five on my left, thank you, M--

RAOUL

Did anyone ask you? I don't think so. I want it!

AUCTIONEER

--onsieur… (Pauses.) Thirty-five?

(Madame Giry grunts and huffs, looking away from Raoul.)

AUCTIONEER (Goes really slow, looking from Raoul to Madame Giry. CONT'D.)

Selling at thirty francs, then. Thirty once, thirty twice… SOLD for thirty francs to the Vicomte de "Changy."

RAOUL

It's Chagny, you dumb-ass!

AUCTIONEER

Uh, thank you, sir… sorry, sir.

RAOUL (Thinks in head.)

A collector's piece indeed… every detail exactly as she said… will you still play, when all the rest of us are--

AUCTIONEER

Lot 666, then--

RAOUL (Aloud.)

Hey! I'm not done thinking yet!

AUCTIONEER

Oh, uh… sorry again. Go ahead.

RAOUL (Thinks in head.)

--dead…?

AUCTIONEER

Okay, then.

MADAME GIRY (To Raoul.)

Interesting of you to think of death at Lot 666, dear Vicomte.

RAOUL

Yeah… Hey, wait a second! You could hear what I was thinking?

AUCTIONEER (Trying to ignore them.)

Lot 6--

RAOUL

Hey, stay out of my thoughts, Giry!

AUCTIONEER (Still trying.)

Lot--

MADAME GIRY

Why? I like to be in them.

(She gives Raoul a coy, but creepy, suggestive smile. Raoul gets freaked out by this.)

RAOUL

GAAH!

AUCTIONEER (Still trying…)

Lot 6--

PORTER (Raising his hand slightly.)

Uh, I heard them, too.

RAOUL

Oh, God…

MADAME GIRY

Hey! They're my thoughts to be in!

AUCTIONEER

LOT 666, THEN!

(Everyone silences.)

AUCTIONEER (CONT'D.)

Thank you… is a chandelier in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera--

RAOUL

Hey! I remember that! I was there!

MADAME GIRY

So was I, stupid.

AUCTIONEER (Ignoring them.)

--a mystery never fully explained.

RAOUL

I'll say.

MADAME GIRY

I'll bet you would, "Changy."

RAOUL

You know what, Giry? I've had just about enough of you!

AUCTIONEER

SHUT UP!

(Everyone stops.)

AUCTIONEER (CONT'D.)

Thank you! Anyway, we are told, (sarcastically) ladies and gentlemen… that this is the very chandelier which figures in the famous disaster. Our workshops have repaired it and wired parts of it for the new electric light. Perhaps we can frighten away the ghost of so many years ago… with a little illumination.

(Madame Giry is just about to speak, when…)

AUCTIONEER (CONT'D.)

Madame, one more word out of you, and I'll bitch-slap you straight to Calais.

(Madame Giry purses her lips together. Raoul begins to snicker within earshot of her.)

RAOUL (Under his breath, sing-songy.)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

AUCTIONEER

Same goes for you… Vicomte.

(Raoul shuts up and Madame Giry smirks in his direction.)

AUCTIONEER (Exhales. CONT'D)

Gentlemen?

(The men flip the switch--but nothing happens. Everyone looks around, completely baffled, except Joel, extremely annoyed, who gets up from his chair and goes over to the separated plugs on the floor.)

JOEL

You fucking whack-jobs.

(Joel picks up the plugs and nods to the Auctioneer.)

AUCTIONEER

Uh… gentlemen?

(Joel plugs the switches together, igniting the huge chandelier with a gigantic flash of light and the sound of the thunderous organ overture begins. A gust of wind takes over and we are taken back into the past… and into COLOR!)

JOEL

Wow… I didn't know we could do that.

RAOUL

Now, THAT'S what I call "illumination"!

(Raoul looks at himself… realizing, not only that he is not old anymore, but that he is in color, too!)

RAOUL (CONT'D.)

Hey! I'm not black and white anymore! (Thinks.) Wait… I was black and white?

MADAME GIRY

You might as well have been purple and orange; you wouldn't have been able to see anyway, Bat-Boy.

RAOUL

Bite me, Giry…

MADAME GIRY (Snickers.)

Don't tempt me.

RAOUL (Freaked out.)

I'm not THAT blind, you know!

MADAME GIRY

Heh, heh… riiight…

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A/N: I know, it makes no sense! Perfect for FanFiction-Land! If you thought it was a boring start, I guarantee you, it'll get better! I promise! If you haven't already figured it out, lines--(not blocking, A.K.A.: movement in the parentheses)--written in italics are lyrics sung and anything underlined is emphasized. The phrase "thinks in head" means the lines said are the person's thoughts, the phrase "thinks" means the person in the action of thinking--just wanted to clarify that. Please review--constructive criticism is always good! But please, don't tell me I suck… "that's all I ask of you…" Hehe, I'm done.

Cheers.