Lonely Thinking

By Mellaithwen

Rating: K+

Genre: Angst

Disclaimer: '"It's a sore subject, don't ask."'

Summary: Goes in sync with Chris-Crossed. Chris' thoughts during the events of the episode, and extensions added.

"What are you guys talking about?" I ask politely, not really waiting for an answer

"Stuff." Phoebe says simply, not wanting to repeat much of it to me, obviously.

"Hey, where you going?" Paige asked me as I continued to walk into the backroom.

"I'm gonna go work on the next demon….stration!" I quickly recover after realizing the club iss full of people.

"Chris, why don't you relax and come have a drink with us." They ask, and I turn them down.

"Thanks, but I didn't come here to relax." I say curtly, and walk away.

I walk across the distance weaving my way through the dancing civilians around me.

I open the door, and turn on the light. I see her. Sitting in the chair, sitting almost rigid. She's different, but its her. I can't explain it, the first thing I think when I see her is 'be careful' but then seeing her move, seeing her stare back at me, like she was waiting, nothing else matters anymore. All I know is her.

I close the door behind me, saying her name under my breath as though I've been keeping it under lock and key for months.

"Bianca…"

She stands up and I move towards her just as she does the same, but I don't get it.

"I don't understand. What are you doing here?" I ask, and she puts a finger on my lips, trailing down my chest.

"Shh. There'll be time to explain later." She says almost patronizingly.

"But for now…"

She looks at me, really looks at me, and she's not there, I don't see her as I once knew her, she's different, she's cruel, hurtful. She's turned. He's turned her back.

The pain spreading from my chest. I look down and there's a light from where her hand is in my chest. The pain is too much and I sink to the floor. I don't understand. I can only look at her in disbelief, my face contorted in agony. She's taking my powers, and I can't cry out, I don't have the strength.

"Hey, Chris, you know, all work and no- hey!" I hear Piper say as she enters, shouting the last word upon realizing the situation.

There's a sudden reprieve followed by a terrible ache as she removes her hand and powers up an energy ball.

It hurts so much, and I barely see her disappear as Piper blasts her away. I slide down the wall, gasping, my chest on fire.

"Are you ok?" Piper asks, now in my eye-line.

I take a breath. No point in worrying them, or getting them suspicious. I take another breath and answer, with my best I'm-fine-really-voice

"Yeah. I think so." Though air is still short.

"What happened? Who was she?" Piper asks, and I wonder if there's concern in her query.

"I don't know."

Another lie, to add to the increasingly long lists of the things.

Paige looks through the Book Of Shadows and Piper discards one of her suggestions as to what demon she could have been, from its distinctive birthmark.

I pace the floor nervously, if they find out who she is, then everything could unravel, I can't lose their trust again when I barely have it now. Not to mention I can feel Leo's eyes on me, watching as I try to make it look like it's no big deal.

"Just keep looking." Piper says, and still I wonder why she's doing this.

"Guys, I'm telling you, I'm fine. Don't sweat it." I say, knowing it won't throw them, but trying none the less. Leo ignores me, asking if Piper's sure it wasn't a Darklighter. Piper's sure. So am I.

"What else would be after a Whitelighter?"

Ha, but that's the thing isn't, dear Aunt Phoebe. The million dollar questi-

"I don't know. That's what worries me."

I hide the snort that in any other circumstance would definitely have come out. He's worried. Yeah right. After months of him hating me and not trying to hide it, suddenly he's worried.

"She's gone." I sigh, hating my own words. "Piper blew her away. What's the big deal?"

Please just let it go, it's my problem not yours. Just don't get involved, please!

"The big deal is someone tried to kill you, Chris."

Phoebe says my name like it means something, other than a pushy Whitelighter, sending them after demons all of the time.

"Look at me." I answer cockily. "Not a scratch. Nothing."

She rolls her eyes as I open my jacket to prove my point. Glad they can't see the pain I'm going through.

"Yeah, how did she get that close to you anyway, if you didn't even know who she was?"

Ah my father, the suspicious pacifist, joy to the world. But I don't know how to answer. Just then I walk over the floor, the creaky board still squeaking under any foot that crosses it.

"You really ought to fix that, you know." I say looking down at it, before looking again at Leo. It's obvious what I'm trying to do.

"Come on, Chris. Who's after you?" Again they say my name like it means something to them.

"Has it crossed your mind that maybe she wasn't after me? Maybe she was trying to get to them." I say, my arms indicating the Charmed ones, and Paige squeezes her face, as though she isn't entirely happy with agreeing me, but can't dismiss it either.

"Kind of makes sense." She says and inside I sigh.

"Finally! Somebody's listening to me." Now if I can just get out of her before I collapse…

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some work to take care of."

I walk away from them and their doubtful looks.

I walk down the hallway, telling myself to not need the wall for support as I walk down the winding stairs that seem to go on forever and a day. Each step, again and again, and again, making me dizzy as I make my way to the bathroom, not sure if I'm going to throw up or not.

I blunder in, switching the light on, and I see that simply moving from the attic to the bathroom was not a good idea. My face, mirrored, staring back at me, perspiration dripping down, my skin pale, my eyes dropping slightly, glazing over slowly.

I open my shirt, looking at my chest in horror at the huge mark lying there, red and screaming. I button my shirt up again, taking my eyes away from the festering wound.

I bow my head, memories filtering through. I reach for my pocket and take out the ring, taking my eyes off of the mirror only to look at it.

Sirens fill the air, smells of burning as the city falls in ruins all around us. The bridge destroyed behind us as we sit in the garden, dawn is breaking as I place the ring on her finger.

She looks at the ring and then back up to me, smiling

"Will you marry me?" I ask carefully, meaning every word, wanting more than anything for her to say Yes.

"You're asking me now?" She says skeptically while smiling, surpised.

I nod.

"Here?"

"This is still our spot, Bianca, no matter what he's done to it." I say. "Marry me."

I don't want to push her, but technically she has yet to agree.

"On one condition; You come back to me." I laugh at the simplicity

"Safely." She adds, and I wonder if that's possible anymore.

"Have I ever let you down before?" I avoid an answer, but I hope she doesn't notice. I stare at her beautiful eyes, and we kiss.

And then it's ruined by whirrs in the distance. She breaks away from me, looking around.

"What's that?" She asks, and I look too. Then I see it, a probe flying over the wall, straight towards us, its lights scanning Bianca's face.

"Chris!" She cried but I'm already on it. I throw my hand to the side and it flies straight for the old angel statue, exploding.

"Are you ok?" I ask seeing her take deep breaths

"Yeah. Yeah. I don't think it had time to transmit." She says simply, her hands in her lap. I get to my feat, the anger pulsing through me.

"I cannot believe he's sending probes after us now! I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!"

"No." She's on her feet now too. "No, you're not. You're gonna stick to the plan."

"But he knows." I answer lamely, almost scared.

"No. If he knew, he wouldn't have sent the probe. You have to go back, Chris. It's the only way to stop him. It's the only way to change all this." Her eyes are pleading, and I close mine.

I look away as I press the ring deep into my pocket, I'm not sure the pain inside hurting me more than the wound she inflicted.

I hear Leo talking to Piper and I know I can't stay here, I can't stand the thought of one or both of them asking me sincerely to let them help. Its too hard to lie when its that person. I orb away, knowing only one place that I'd find peace.

As I orb I feel weaker and weaker, and as I reach the arboretum I gasp in pain and only just manage to land on the concrete bench, and even then I still haven't orbed fully.

I can't help hoping it will look like this, beautiful with the full bridge in its backdrop if I succeed. Though that's looking less and less likely.

"You really shouldn't try to orb anymore, you know? It could kill you." She says, no remorse in her tone, as she steps from behind the angel statue. I knew she was there, but that didn't stop me.

"Is that what you want?" He asked, angry at her attitude.

"If that's what I wanted, you'd already be dead." She said cruelly. "All I want is to bring you back."

"How'd you know I'd be here?" He asked, his mind growing hazy.

"Same reason you knew I'd be waiting here. I mean, this is still our spot, isn't it?" She doesn't say it wistfully, or meaningfully. She's mocking me, provoking me.

I shake my head.

"No. This is what we hoped it would be. This is what we were trying to preserve for our future. Do you remember?"

"We were naive to think we could change anything, to stop him."

"You don't believe that."

Does she? I look at her, and I'm proven wrong.

"Or at least you didn't."

Before…

"Well, I do now."

I sigh. I've lost her.

"What happened to you, Bianca? How did he turn you back?" I'm curious, I'm angry. I want her to say it's a trick, that she can't stop herself, that he's used a spell, anything but the blatant truth staring me right in the face.

"That's not important. What is important is that I was interrupted in stripping you of your powers, and if I don't finish what I started, you'll die soon. Think of it as an infection. And I'm the only one with the antidote."

She sounds way too please with herself.

"Here or there, I am dead anyway."

Resigned to my fate.

"No. He gave me his word he wouldn't hurt you. Now, please, Chris, don't make this any harder than it has to be."

His word, his word. When has that ever meant anything to anyone? He aligns himself with demons, he's a cold blooded killer, he's dragged the Halliwell name through mud, and for what? Power that's what, him and his one track mind.

I look her in the face, defying her. I orb away, as much as it hurts me to do so, and I'm worried I'll be too slow, but she's too late to grab me.

I fall to the floor, I can barely move, not bothering to look around. I know where I am, at least I think I do, everything's muddled. I can't open my eyes, I'm burning but there aren't any flames.

"Chris!" I hear a faint cry, and something, someone moves me, but all I can see is her, taunting me, changing from The Phoenix to the Bianca I used to know.

"Bianca."

I'm moving, but I'm not, it's not me, I'm being lifted, and there's a tingling in my chest, but it's barely there.

I shift from side to side, muttering her name, trapped in the memory.

We're waiting outside, I look up at the house, the manor. Remembering coming home and there'd always be someone at the door. Mom, Wyatt, Aunt Phoebe or Paige. Never dad though, letters on birthdays, and that was it. That was my dad.

The people in front are muttering. All excited to finally get to see this spectacle. The manor where magic lies. That was the tag-line. 'See where The Charmed ones lived, and died'

I shudder, and Bianca holds on tightly.

I hate him for doing this. He's taken everything from me. I have nothing left. No home, no family, any friends he finds he kills. I'm always looking over my shoulder. Always reminded of him being there. This wasn't sibling rivalry. This was cruelty.

"Welcome to the Halliwell Memorial Museum ." The chirpy tour guide announces as she leads us up the steps and through the front door. If I squint, I can almost believe it's a house, a home. My home. If it wasn't for the rooms being cornered off by red barriers. If it wasn't for every little thing being explained on a card next to it, hidden behind glass.

If I try, really, truly try, I can see them. Walking past me, smiling, announcing a need to go somewhere or to get something. Greeting me happily.

I have to keep my mind on the present.

"A tribute to magic, and, of course, The Charmed Ones. Please remember there is no digi-capturing, no holographing, and most certainly, no magic allowed while inside the museum. That's a big one." She chuckles, and I have the urge to throttle her. "Don't worry about those probes, folks. They are merely scanning for witches."

She moves along, and the group is scanned.

"Now, as we pass through the foyer, note the family portraits hanging on the walls which date all the way back to the witch trials, including one of the grand matriarch herself, Melinda Warren, the woman who literally gave birth to the storied legacy."

As the people walk by, the probes come near, we trail behind, and with a wave of my hand, the probes begin to scan a mannequin in the corner.

"Nicely done." Bianca compliments and I keep my head down as we follow the tour guide and the rest of the group.

We walk into the sitting room, but everything's different. The furniture's different, moved, gone, and in its place stand statues, modeling. I feel disgusted, something that will only increase.

"Around you, you'll notice just a few of the many mythological creatures the legendary sisters transformed into in their demon-fighting heyday. Actually, The Charmed Ones were responsible for well over 1,000 demon vanquishes before they were finally vanquished themselves."

And what business is that of yours? What right do you have to talk about them like that, like they're nothing more than a story. They're my family for gods sake!

She hits a button, and the lights dim. Her voice once again continues to talk, patronizing.

"Now, the time is 25 years ago. Imagine yourselves standing here on this very floor when The Charmed Ones were reborn."

A large holographic screen appears and I see the images, I want to look away, but I don't. I watch as a light shines down on Aunt Paige, as she stands in a circle with Mom, and Aunt Phoebe. The light goes away, and Paige looks startled, she asks what that was and Leo simply says "I think that means you're supposed to be here."

There's a crash and the hologram shows the door flying open, a demon materializing from the wind. As the wind clears, and the audience gets a good view of him, they scream, all of them scared. But I don't even flinch. It doesn't scare me, only one thing does, though I'll never admit it, and he's the reason this damn place is open.

With a switch the hologram disappears and the lights come back on.

"Scares 'em every time."

Go to hell.

"Ok, let's head over to the kitchen where many of the sisters' classic potions were brewed. Some of which are available for purchase in the gift shop on the way out."

We follow her, waiting.

"Of course, the attic was the preferred spot for potion-making, principally, because that's where kept the famed Book of Shadows which is where we're headed next."

She walks away from the kitchen, the group following her like sheep.

"A little background on the manor itself. It was actually destroyed in the earthquake in 1906, but..." And her voice trails away, along with the group, leaving Bianca and me in the kitchen.

"Hey, you two, move along." A demon from behind says and Bianca whispers to me to wait for it. A knife appears in her hand, and the demon persists.

"Are you deaf? I said-." And she stabs him, he burns alive, fire taking him down in a pile of dust and smoke.

I can only stare, surprised at the efficiency of the kill, something that has always worried me.

She continued to walk past me, and opens the door to the basement. She looks back at me, and I catch up with her.

Still she holds on to the knife as she looks around, alert, I walk slower, taking a seat on the bottom steps.

When she turns around, the knife has vanished into thin air, and I'm left staring on the stairs.

TBC