Hello humans *inserts icon of a waving hand*, it's been a while...

So, I was at school today, and during the most boring class of all time, while the teacher was explaining some maths shit, I decided to write this.

This is set a few months after -A is gone for good.

WARNING: IT CONTAINS SELF HARM AND TRIGGERING. RATED M.

Also, please don't kill me. I love Spener. Like, seriously, I LOVE HER. And I really don't know why I did this. I'm a shitty person, I know. My friend read this and almost killed me right there and then lol.

So... Yeah. Here you go.

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

Nothing's fine. But at the same time, everything is.

Everyone around me is so happy, that it makes me wanna cry.

Not the crying with happy tears, but sad, hopeless, angry ones.

Hanna and Caleb are happy.

Aria and Ezra are happy.

Emily and Alison are happy.

Melissa is happy.

My parents and my friends' parents are happy too. They have each other and they're happy because of that.

And I've tried to be happy. I really have.

I tried to be happy with Toby, with my friends, with my family, even with strangers.

But I couldn't. I still can't.

Even when people around me gave me all their love and support, it was never enough.

Because love can't erase the past. Anything or anyone can.

Your past is a rock which you'll carry until your last breath. And my rock is just too big for me.

Because when I kissed Toby, I remembered the Melissa and Bethany thing.

When I was around my friends, I spent the entire time remembering Radley.

When I talked with my parents, I remembered the Ian thing and everything I had gone through because of it.

Even when I laughed or tried to start small talks with strangers, every single text I have recieved from -A came running to my mind.

I'm not able to feel happiness. I haven't been able to feel happiness for a long time.

My friends, my family and Toby have been trying too hard to make me smile again. And it makes me feel awful, because I know that I make them feel awful.

So, I decided to put an end to this.

I broke up with Toby.

I packed my things and burnt all of them.

I hugged all of my friends and my family one last time, and I came here. To the middle of nowhere.

I don't worry, though. Those who know me well will know I'll be here, and they'll find me.

Well, not exactly me.

They'll find my body.

Yes, you got it right.

My name is Spencer Jill Hastings, and tonight, I'm comitting suicide.

I have already left goodbye letters to the people I love the most. Not because I want to, but because I feel like it's the best for them. It'll help them a little bit.

Right now, I'm having my last thoughts, while feeling the cold metal of a gun against the left side of my head. And I'm not proud to say, that my last words were:

"Life sucks."

-End.

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

You hate me. I know.

Please review guys, it means a lot :)

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/Irina_Guardia

/the_real_irina_guardia

See ya' babes.