The Quadrangle of Doom
As Observed by the diaries of Kate Austen, Jack Shepard, James Ford and Juliet Burke
With a Guest Entry by Benjamin Linus
Kate-
Today I slept with Sawyer. The whole time I thought about Jack. But that one time Jack kissed me I thought about Sawyer. Now I can't remember which one is which. Is Jack the redneck? Who is the guy who has the never-growing hair? Wait, am I in love with Jack and Sawyer or Sawyer and Charlie? Isn't Charlie a hobbit? No, that's not it… Jack and Danielle? Jack and Hurley? Hurley and Locke? Jin and Sun? Aren't Paulo and Nikki dead? Who were those guys anyways… wait I'm still talking about sex and stuff. Jack and Scott? Scott and Steve? Claire and Desmond? I should talk to Desmond more, guys with blonde hair and southern accents really turn me on. Wait that's Sawyer. Does that mean I love Sawyer? Who's Jack again?
Jack-
I cried today. I saw a bird. It was singing a mating call. It reminded me of my undying passion for Sawy- I mean Kate. KATE!! I love KATE!! Juliet! Women!! Kate and Juliet, Kate and Juliet, think Kate and Juliet. Kate with her stubble and muscles and… dammit that's Sawyer again!
Sawyer-
Hot damn, Katie girl's got it going on! That mix tape I made her done GOOD! It was all hot and sweaty and it was pure unadulterated passion… heat of the moment! Oh shit… I forgot the condom…
Juliet-
Jack flirted with me again today. At least, I think he did. Sawyer was around. He usually is when Jack flirts with me… Anyways, the evil whore slept with Sawyer again, thankfully, so I am that much closer to having Jack for myself! The best part is that from what I saw when I was watching- no I'm not a pervert!! Damn it, I'm collecting samples! Ok, I'm a pervert… Anyways, they didn't use protection! Oh happy day the sluts gonna die!
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Jack-
I cried again today. Juliet thinks Kate might be pregnant. Without Kate who would be there to support me when I get shot down by Sawyer again. I mean Juliet! I mean I love Kate! Dammit!!
Kate-
I heard my name on Juliet's tape thingy. And last time Jack forgot the plastic wrap thingy, Wait that was Sawyer. Is pregnant when a baby pops out? And why do I remember having intelligence before the others took me?
Sawyer-
I'm still scared to be around Jack alone… Hired me some Hugo-protection today. Oh and Kate's pregnant… Damn this is Cassidy all over again! Bitch gonna have me on a leash all the way off the island and back into prison! I need some new women in my life. Sun seems wholesome enough…
Juliet-
Die Kate DIE!!! Ahh why didn't I kill her during the fight when I could??? Jack spent all his time with Kate again today! But then again Sawyer was around Kate all day too…
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Kate-
Jack confessed his love today… for Charlie. I mean the American Charlie. The guy with blonde hair. My baby-daddy? Oh well. Now I can concentrate on bikinis and beach parties! Yay!!! Super fun-time slumber parties! I'll invite Sun, and Claire, and all those pretty dead girls! Are they zombies yet? Maybe I'll bring Danielle. I'm not so sure though… she doesn't seem like she wears mascara very often.
Jack-
I accidentally told Sawyer a blasphemously untrue thing today. I accidentally completely not knowing he was there and not Kate told him that I loved him. And the creepiest thing is that he kissed me back… Oh who am I kidding I fucking love Sawyer!!! swoon
Sawyer-
Maybe men would be a good change. Kate's a dumb slut now anyways, and Juliet has had a murderous look in her eye since yesterday. And if I was going for a man on the island, why not Jack, the most feminine of them all? He does cry every three hours. Ugh I still cant convince myself of it… I need Kate!! Her and her stupid slumber parties. Maybe a Phil Collins mix-tape isn't what I needed? Tomorrow I'll try Brittney Spears.
Juliet-
I am officially sick of all the dumb asses on this island. Sawyer and Jack are just randomly together? What does that mean for me? Do I get randomly paired with the fat guy? You know what, if shit is this random on this island I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna find Hurley and kiss him. Or why not follow the Jawyer trend? I'm sure Kate gets bi-curious at all those dumb sleepovers!!
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Ben-
Today I killed Jack, Sawyer, Kate and Juliet. The end.