Hello,
I am sorry to disappoint you, but this is not a new story in terms of fanfiction. It's my, FantasyFanatic2313's, story of how I became who I am today. I am probably breaking the rules here, but I want people to know of how I came to be depressed, and if it happens to be my downfall, my story will be known. Another reason is I want people to know that they are not alone and that everyone has their own hell to deal with that not everyone can understand.
For starters, I am seventeen years old, going to be a senior in high school. Officially, I was diagnosed with depression at the end of my sophomore year, although it didn't show up that way at first. Personally, I believe I've been depressed for a lot longer than that, and I think it originally manifested in 2011.
At the end of 2010, my grandmother was becoming very ill, and she passed early 2011. Being that this was one of the first immediate deaths I had to experience in my family, I wasn't sure of how to handle it. It's not easy at any age in your life to deal with death, and hers had happened four days before my thirteenth birthday, and the funeral was right on it. To this day, I still consider that a stroke of bad luck, because any time my birthday has rolled around, something bad and or emotional happens to me.
At the showing, I cried at first because I was upset that this had happened. I wondered why I had to have one less person in my family all the sudden. Being that this was the first time I had to deal with such a tragedy, I did not know how to process all my emotions. By the end of the first night of the showing, I was very ill. I was running a fever and my skin looked as if it had turned gray. I stayed home the next night, but still attended the funeral on my birthday. I had been hoping to get my birthday off for some reason like a snow day, but I never wanted anything like this.
Now I was never one to be very social at school to begin with. To this day I still observe peoples' interactions with others and use that to access whether or not I think I would like their company. When I came back after three days of being absent, the few people who were my friends noticed I was different. I talked even less than I did before, and I was pretty much a mute for a good month.
It didn't help that around the same time, I was bullied and called a lesbian. I denied it every single time I heard someone say it. Just because I wasn't popular and didn't have tons of boyfriends did not mean that I didn't like guys. On a side note, in retrospect, they were on to something because I am now openly bisexual. After a while I started becoming myself again once the pain started to fade and rumors died down, but I still wasn't the happy go-lucky innocent girl I was previously.
Five months after my grandmother passed, my grandfather, her husband, passed as well. I was able to better handle myself at the funeral this time around. I felt sad but could not bring myself to cry around everyone because I knew people needed someone to be strong for them, so I did not show any weakness. I began to be like this more and more, bottling up all my emotions and not releasing them when I needed to. Often times someone would face my wrath because they said the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I feel bad that it happened that way.
My life did not get much better for my world remained upside down. I accompanied my parents to deal with my grandparent's estate, and everything there did not help. It was not easy slowly watching as the house I had come to know over the years was slowly deprived of its belongings. By removing all their things, it made it seem even more final that they were not coming back.
In a way, my room is a bit of a shrine. The curtains that adorn my windows were given to me personally by my grandmother, and I often think of her when I look at them. I also have a distinct memory of when I was younger of my grandmother coming upstairs and seeing me admire the one furniture set she possessed, and she told me that maybe someday I could have it. Once my father's siblings started dividing things up, I told my parents that they had to get that furniture set for me, and I'm still using it today, even as I write this.
The following year was different to say the least. It was weird only having one set of grandparents to visit on the holidays, and it was hard to accept. Sadly, now I'm kind of used to it, which may seem ignorant, but you cannot always dwell upon something; you have to learn to keep living your life. Even with the now weird holidays, things were starting to look up some, even though recently becoming a moody teenager was not the most fun time.
I don't believe my depression had totally manifested at this time, but it was the start. It took something even more traumatic and heart-wrenching to totally throw me into it, and it was my first love. It wasn't one of those one-sided loves either in which you fall for someone but they never know about it. He knew, and there's honestly times I wish I could go back and change, but then again, I wouldn't be who I am now without the pain.
I met him online through FaceBook, which of course is not always the greatest thing to do. He had sent me a request and I accepted because one of my good school friends was a friend of him. Sometime later, he had a status about being very depressed and wanting to end it all, and I managed to talk him out of it. We began to talk some more, and I felt like I really connected with this guy I didn't even know in real life and found I began to really like him.
I asked my school friend about him soon after, and he said that he was a nice guy and that our personalities were rather similar so I should go for it. I told him I started to like him, and he said he did as well, but everything started going downhill. Another girl came into the picture and in a way I blame her for ruining my life so to speak.
I went to his house and met him in real life, and I felt this connection that I had never felt with anyone else, and I knew that I had really fallen for this guy. This is where she came into everything. He originally had told me that she was an old friend and that she was a lesbian, so I didn't have anything to worry about, and I believed him until he told me she had seduced him. I was so hurt that he acted like he cared about me and then turned around and did that.
Days later he told me he was going to be getting together with her. I cried for days, and one day I finally told him that I was in love with him. He was shocked but then he realized he had fallen for me as well. You would think this would be the happy part where they get together like in the movies, but it wasn't. Even though he said he loved me, he stayed with her because she "needed" him more and I told him that was complete bull shit.
I should have stopped talking to him, but I didn't. I spent five months trying to get him to see that I was the one who really needed him and not her. Imagine being in love with someone and indirectly hearing, "I love you, but she's better." every single day. That is what my life had become, and it showed. People noticed how distant I looked. I had talked about him before and they knew I really cared for him.
After a while, I couldn't take it no more. I couldn't take the fights, the tears, the urge to end it all. I begged with him, but still to no avail. Soon, one of my exes came back into the picture. He was before this hell had happened to me, and although he damaged me as well, he had not nearly done what this other guy had.
The previous guy was someone that I met through my cousin. He came over one time when I was at my cousins' house, but beforehand my cousin asked if it was okay with me, seeing as how a lot of his friends had a tendency to hit on me and he knew I didn't like it. This time it was different though. My cousin said this guy did have a girlfriend, so I said it was fine. Turns out, I was the one hitting on him.
When he came through the door, I swear that time stopped as I locked eyes with him, and then I knew that this guy was going to greatly impact my life. Shortly after we met, his girlfriend left him, saying she used him for two and a half years, and I knew that I had gotten my chance. It wasn't the smartest decision, but I wanted this guy, and I was going to have him, even though I was used for rebound sex and the five year age difference made people had a hissy fit.
After our brief romance, he disappeared without a trace. He blocked us all from his FaceBook and never returned any of our texts or calls. I was heartbroken that he would just leave like that without saying goodbye or giving a reason. I blamed myself and my cousins felt bad for me because they could tell I was really into him. I understood that I had fallen in love at first sight.
Now I know that I said previously that the guy I met online was, but I think he was more of a rebound to me. Once my cousin's friend had left, I start talking to this guy, and I'm happy to get some attention and feel better about myself until everything went to hell. This is how my cousin's friend comes back into the story.
After being gone for eight months, he shows back up, and I thought I would be angry more, but I couldn't stay mad for long. I still felt the intense attraction to him I had felt when we first met, and he felt the same. This was enough to get me to be able to say goodbye to the guy off FaceBook, so in a way, he saved me from more months of hell.
Even with the better guy now, I was still depressed. Everything that FaceBook guy had done to emotionally abuse me had left its mark, and it was a deep one. I had panic attacks often, sometimes so bad that my cousins had to give me a drink spiked with a tiny bit of alcohol so that I would calm down enough to think again. I think some of my depression led to the end of the relationship I had with this amazing guy, but his past haunted him as well, so I couldn't blame him.
Now on my own, I was trying to find ways to feel. I always felt so numb inside. I would cry for no logical reason. Other times I would hole up in my room for a week at a time and not want to do anything. I slowly lost the passion that I had for the many things I loved. I became physically sick all the time with migraines and feeling like I was going to throw up. I could not focus on anything so I missed tons of school.
Once these kinds of spells began to happen, I finally was able to get help. It took a while, but now I'm on antidepressants. I hope I don't have to have them the rest of my life, but who knows. I still get sick when I'm overworked or overthink something, but the spells last mere hours or a day compared to a week at a time.
Recently, however, the FaceBook guy came back and started to talk to me again. I was so angry. I blamed him for why I am such an emotional wreck now and can't get through a day without medication. I cussed him out and told him he deserved to burn in hell. I found out he was still with her and I told him if he wanted me to ever talk to him again with a little less hostility, she had to be out of the picture for good.
Finally, he listened to me and got rid of her. I did talk to him some, but I was still angry and hurt. A lot of the conversations would be me pinning everything on him. Then I stopped when I realized that I was now doing to him what he once did to me. I was emotionally abusing someone and watching their happiness slowly drain out of them. I did the only thing I had left to do, and that was forgive him. The wounds still sting, but I've found holding that grudge was not helping me get anywhere.
What I'm trying to say with all of this is that life isn't easy, and that if you deal with depression, you're not alone. I'm also trying to tell you not to give up. I was very close to ending my life on multiple occasions because of some douche bag that treated me badly. I realized how much I would miss out on in my life.
Had I ended my life then, I would not have realized who I wanted to be. I discovered a love for computer programming, and since then my goal has been to be able to bring other peoples' ideas to life. I also discovered who I believe I'm meant to be with, and that is my cousin's friend. Sure, that may seem a bit much to have figured out at seventeen, but I have tried other relationships and he's always in the back of my mind. We recently got back together and I couldn't be happier with someone who makes me smile so much, even though we do have our ups and downs.
Thanks for reading this, and if you ever need to talk to someone about things going on in your life, please message me. I hate seeing other people blindly going through something like this without help like I did for years.