The First Cut Is The Deepest
There is no way I can credit these characters as my own. That privilege belongs to Shonda, regardless of the fact that she doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground and has forced us all to live in ficland where everything is not "coming up Roses." :teehee:
Rating: slight sexual reference.
Anything in italics is considered a flashback. Bold italics are song lyrics in flashback. And bold type are song lyrics.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you…
Whatever…the illusion of "happily ever after" ? It's just that…an illusion. A child's fairytale that can in no way become reality. It's just not feasible that Cinderella always finds her Prince Charming, that Princess Fiona always falls in love with her Shrek and that Giselle always awakens with a kiss from her Robert. Real life just isn't that way. Well, at least mine isn't…
So why am I so down on the "fairytale" of it all? Well, let's see…
High School…four sucky years of my life that I never wish to relive again. I had the whole ugly pink hair thing going on, dressed all in punk black, rather looking like a ghoul than a normal 18 year old, but that was me and I was definitely not normal. My mother? The Ellis Grey, surgeon extraordinaire, known worldwide for The Grey Method was ashamed of her only child, couldn't stand the way I dressed and chose to wear my hair. And God forbid that she ever understood or even took the time to understand that in fact it was really a silent plea for attention.
I'd tried to do the whole 'perfect daughter' thing, dressed appropriately, got good grades and with no results so what better to do than to make her notice me through my self expression in fashion sense? Ok…so maybe it wasn't fashion sense, I looked like a reject from a punk rock video but…it did get her to notice me but not in a good way, she threatened to cut off my allowance until my hair was its natural honey-blonde.
So there went the thoughts of hair rebellion because I definitely needed money since Mom was such a wonderful housewife and always made sure I was fed…I know…sarcasm is kinda my second language, better get used to it.
Anyways, back to high school. Senior Year. My mother had demanded that I attend Senior Prom. I fought tooth and nail against her on this because getting all "Barbied" up to impress a bunch of kids I didn't give two shits about wasn't my thing. But like always, there was always a threat attached. If I continued to refuse to go, then I could I could kiss all thoughts of my sleek 1965, red and white Corvette Stingray goodbye, adios, sayonara, arrivederci, hasta la vista baby. And to top things off? She even arranged for a son of one of her colleagues to be my date! A real geek named Jeremy Ward. Seriously, he was president of the chess club, hall monitor, big, black coke bottle-bottom glasses, I tell ya, right out of Revenge of the Nerds, pocket protector and all! So you want to know how prom night went?
March 20, 1989
"Meredith! Jeremy's here! Get down here now!"
Ugh. Why couldn't she be at the hospital in surgery? Noooo…just because it was prom and she bought the dress, bought the shoes and I sure she even bought my date, she had to be here. She's never home any other time. Couldn't there have been an emergency?
"Meredith, Now!!" Ellis demanded.
"Just a minute!" Meredith scrambled to put on the silver and gold Jimmy Choo sandals that matched the silver and gold lame of her floor length, strapless Versace dress. Nobody wore Versace dresses to prom but her mother insisted. Grabbing the matching clutch from her dresser, Meredith glanced in the mirror one last time in disgust before making her way to the stairs.
Ellis and Jeremy stood waiting at the bottom. Ellis with her camera and Jeremy dressed in a ghastly sky blue tux complete with ruffled shirt and shiny white shoes holding a clear container with a pink corsage inside.
Holy crap! He looks like a 60's swinger wannabe! This is embarrassing on so many levels!
"Y-y-you l-look b-beautiful, M-meredith." Jeremy stuttered as his eyes bugged out. Meredith searched for the line of drool that was surely dripping from his mouth. Taking the corsage from the box, he clumsily placed the band around her wrist.
Seeing her mother give her the evil eye, Meredith remembered her manners. "It's lovely Jeremy. Thank you."
After countless pictures and total discomfort, it was time to leave. Jeremy held the door to his Dad's 1985 Pontiac Parisianne as Meredith slid, dress and all on to the tan coloured seats.
God! You'd think that being a doctor, his Dad would have a good car, not this piece of crap! It was going to be a long night!
The gym was decorated with multi-coloured streamers and balloons in all colours of the rainbow were weighted down everywhere. The dance floor was crowded with teenagers dancing to the upbeat tune of "Girl You know it's True by Milli Vanilli. Meredith spotted her friends Cristina and Izzie on the far side of the room and pushed herself through the crowd to join them.
"Oh my God Meredith! What happened to you?" Christina exclaimed.
"My mother happened to me." Meredith shook her head and sighed.
Izzie covered her mouth to hide her chuckle. "You look like a treasure chest exploded!"
"Thanks Izzie." Sarcasm dripping in her voice. "And you look like a ball of cotton candy gone bad."
Izzie's mouth dropped, not expecting to hear that comeback from her friend, but it was true. Her mother had chosen a pastel pink and blue, poofy creation that really did look like the sugary confectionary.
Jeremy chose that moment to return with drinks. Handing Meredith her punch, Jeremy swallow some of his own and placed it on the nearby table. The beginning strains to 'Almost Paradise' filled the gym.
"W-would you l-like to d-dance Meredith?" Jeremy shyly glanced in her direction, unable to meet her eyes directly.
"I…uh…sure Jeremy." Meredith answered, knowing full well that if she didn't, word would get back to her mother.
Cristina and Izzie turned away to hide the smirks on their faces as Jeremy pulled Meredith to the dance floor.
Jeremy awkwardly placed his right hand on her waist and clasped hers with his left as they swayed to the music. Meredith glanced around the room. Everyone was looking at her dancing with Jeremy, most of the hiding their giggles behind their hands. Meredith rolled her eyes and tried to press the sight from her mind. It was only one dance. Sure she could manage that. As the music faded and the last notes rang, Jeremy grabbed her hand and led her towards the gym door.
"Where are we going? Our drinks are over by Izzie and Cristina."
"I want to show you something." Jeremy replied, pulling her through the doors and down the hall into the darkened corridor. Turning the corner, Jeremy backed her up against the wall and pressed his body close to hers, holding both of her wrists captive against the wall. "You think you're so special Meredith. You think that you're better than me, that I'm not good enough for you but let me show you that you're no better than me or any other person here. You're just a tease, just like the rest of the little sluts here." Meredith squirmed, trying to get her wrists free. His lips were inches away from hers as he sneered, "I can put an act on too, you know."
Meredith tossed her head from side to side trying to avoid his lips. "No Jeremy! Don't! Stop it!"
Letting go of her wrist, he grabbed her chin in the palm of his hand. "You know you want it Meredith." His lips attacked hers brutally as she tried to push him away with her tiny ineffectual hand.
"The lady said Stop it."
Jeremy jerked his head in the direction of the voice coming out of nowhere. A tall figure emmerged from the darkness, his dirty blonde hair spiked, wearing a black leather blazer with a red button up underneath.
"Back off Sloan. It's none of your business." Jeremy spat out as he continued to press Meredith to the wall.
"I'm making it my business. Let her go now!" Mark stepped towards the two figures and grabbed Jeremy by the scruff of his neck and yanked him away from Meredith. Turning Jeremy to him and fisting the ruffled collar of the tux, Mark looked him the eyes. "I suggest you get the hell out of here before I decide to break those nerdy glasses of yours." Shoving Jeremy away from him, he turned to Meredith as Jeremy scurried away. "Are you okay?"
Meredith turned her head away in shame. "I…I…." Tears choked her voice and she couldn't continue.
Cupping her cheek tenderly he guided her face to his gaze. "It's okay. He's gone."
Meredith burst into sobs and he pulled her tightly to his chest, comfortingly rubbing circles on her back. "Shhhhh…everything's okay. It wasn't your fault."
Mark continued to hold her until her sobs subsided and she raised her head. He pulled a fresh hanky from his pocket and handed it to her. "Here, dry your eyes."
Taking the offering, she dried her face with the hanky. "Thanks."
Mark smiled back at her. "No thanks needed. What do you say we get out of here?"
Meredith peeked up into his blue eyes from underneath her bangs and choked back a sniffle. "Okay."
With his arm wrapped around her waist, they walked back into the crowed gym and headed to retrieve her purse.
Offer up your best defence
But this is the end
This is the end
Of the innocence
So that was prom. Exciting, right? It wasn't what I expected from prom but one good thing did happen from it all. I met Mark. Mark Sloan, captain of the senior football team, biggest jock on campus and a cocky son of a bitch. A guy who had never once before paid any attention to me so I was surprised that it was him who was my 'knight in shining whatever.' Remember, I don't believe in fairytales, hence the whatever. But in this case he was my 'whatever.' The long walk across that gymnasium was one of the longest of my life. There was no way that I felt like explaining to Izzie and Cristina why I had came to the prom with one guy and was leaving with another and was so glad that they were both out on the dance floor when I arrived at the table and retrieved my purse. They would find out soon enough.
Mark and Meredith walked around the school grounds, finding themselves in front of the football bleachers. Mark held her hand as he pulled her up onto the bleachers beside him as she held the skirt of her dress in the other.
"So really, are you okay?" Mark questioned.
"I'm fine." Meredith sighed her reply.
"Jeremy was a jerk. I never expected him to try anything like that."
"Me either. I'm glad you showed up." Meredith glanced up at him shyly.
"Glad I could help." Mark answered honestly. "You're shivering." Mark quickly shouldered off his jacket and placed it around her. "Come on, I'll drive you home."
So yeah. Mark drove me home that night and even was gentlemanly enough to walk me to the door. He was leaning in to kiss me when Mom opened the door. Of course I never didn't tell Mom the real reason why Mark drove me home that night, just that Jeremy had had other plans so Mark offered and I accepted.
After that night, Mark and I saw a lot of each other. We spent our time going to movies, the beach, going to parties and sometimes just hanging out. I sat in the bleachers when he had football practice and right behind the bench for the games. We were close. Two peas in a pod, ying and yang but before we knew it, the school year was coming to an end. Graduation and then college.
June 28, 1989
The graduation ceremony long over the, last few stragglers on the dance floor were moving in tandem to the music. Meredith held her hands clasped behind Mark's neck, her fingertips toyed within the fine hairs at the base of his neck. His hands were wrapped securely around her tiny waist as she leaned her head against his muscled chest.
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
The song finished, Cristina and Izzie rushed over to the pair.
"Come on guys. We have to get to my house for the party!" Cristina yelled excitingly. Her parents had promised that they would be gone overnight so the kids could party. They had every faith in their daughter.
Meredith and Mark gazed longingly at each other, both of their eyes sparkling and grins from ear to ear. "We'll be there soon."
The girls hurried off, leaving the pair still standing on the dance floor, lost in each other.
"You ready to go?" Mark asked quietly, afraid to break their moment.
"M'hmm. I'm ready." She replied dreamily as Mark took her hand and led her from the gymnasium to the parking lot.
Mark held the door to his car while she slid over the soft leather, sink into the seat and buckled her seatbelt. He folded himself behind the wheel and revved the engine before pulling out of the lot.
The streetlights flashed slashes of light into the car as Mark too the opportunity to glance at Meredith sitting beside him. "Are you sure you're ready?" He asked her softly. He clutched her hand tightly in his.
Meredith smiled back at him, her eyes shining with ever pulse from the streetlights. "I'm sure."
The car slowed as Mark pulled into the motel parking lot and stopped in front of the lone line of rooms. Cutting the engine, he glanced back over to Meredith and squeezed her hand. "You can change your mind, you know."
Meredith shook her head. "No, I can't."
Tracing his hand along her fair cheek, he softly leaned in and kissed her lips and whispered, "Ok."
Leaving the car, they held hands as Mark pulled the card key to he room from his pocket and pressed it into the slot. Turning the handle, the door opened and they entered the room. A large bed took up the majority of the space, a nightstand on each side. A dresser was opposite from the bed housing a 27 inch TV. Further back in the room was a door leading supposedly to the bathroom. Meredith shivered.
"Are you cold?"
In a demure little squeak she answered. "No."
Mark closed the door behind him and turned the lock. Wrapping his arms around her waist from behind, he pulled her tightly to his chest and softly kissed the side of her neck just below her earlobe. "Everything will be fine, babe."
Meredith covered his hands with her own. "I know. "I - I'm just…nervous."
Reversing the grip of hands, Mark turned her to face him. Desire had turned his baby blue eyes to smouldering smoke. Tilting her chin to meet his gaze with his fingertips, his lips gently caressed the petal soft pink flesh of hers. His tongue traced the pouty outline, begging entrance to her sweet cavern, her lips opening slightly in acceptance.
Meredith fingered the top button of his shirt and slowly slipped each one from its hole. Caressing his bare, muscled chest, she reached his shoulders and slowly pressed the shirt and his jacket from his arms, letting them pool to the floor.
Mark toyed with the spaghetti straps of her dress and slipped them down, softly tugging the bodice of her dress, revealing her naked breasts to his gaze. His fingertips circled the rosy points, hardening under his caress. Hooking his fingers into the bunched material at her waist, he drew the rest of the dress from her petite frame. "God, you're beautiful!"
Meredith giggled nervously as Mark hooked his arm around her waist and stooped to sweep her up in his arms, and carried her to the bed, placing her tenderly in the middle. Stepping back, he unbuckled his belt, released the snap and lowered the zipper allowing his pants to slide down the muscles of his legs. Removing his boxer briefs as well, he reached for the pocket of his trousers and pulled the small foil packet from within. Ripping it open, he rolled the sheath on expertly before joining her on the bed.
"Open your eyes Meredith." He whispered softly as his lips tickled her chin and kissed their way you to her sweet lips.
She opened her emerald green eyes and stared into the smoky blue of his, her lips parting slightly as she exhaled. Her arms raised to caress his shoulders and run her fingers down his strong back. The anticipation tingled through her entire body as he palmed her breast with his large hand.
Meredith moaned lightly at his touch. They had done this before, they had touched but they had never caved to their desires. Tonight was the night.
Using lips and fingers, they discovered every inch of each other's body. A gentle caress, a light nibble, a soothing kiss until their passion was demanding release.
"I'm sorry babe, it's going to hurt a little bit." Mark whispered into her lips as he centred himself over her, trying to be as gentle as could be. Easing himself inside just a little, he felt her wince at the invasion. Plunging deeply, he covered her lips and swallowed her cry of pain. Resting for a moment, he allowed her to adjust to his size before continuing on.
The dull ache died to a slight twinge as they continued to move in the age old rhythm of love. Stroke for stroke, caress for caress and kiss for passionate kiss brought them closer together and closer to the pinnacle of ecstasy which soon burst over them, leaving them breathless with little whispered words of love and tenderness. Together they laid there and basked in the afterglow.
We never did make it to Cristina's graduation party and she's never let me forget it in all the years that have transpired. Was it worth having her pissed at me for not showing up? Damn right it was. Eh, she forgave me after I gave her all the details.
College. Both Mark and I had been accepted to Dartmouth and so one August morning, we packed all our stuff and moved half way across the country. Dartmouth was supposed to have the best pre-med programs available on the east coast and since we both wanted to be doctors the choice was easily made.
Other than college, my life only really revolved around Mark. We were in most classes together, we studied together, we partied together, we pretty much lived together most of the time. We even went back home for the holidays together. The second Valentine's Day in college, Mark surprised me.
February 14, 2000
Dinner was almost over. The steaks had been delicious as well as the desserts. Mark and Meredith sat there enjoying the last little bit of wine. Mark grasped her hand over the top of the table and held it tightly. With his other hand, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small blue velvet box. Flipping it open single with his thumb, he placed the box on the table beside their clasped hands.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me, Meredith Grey?" His eyes sparkled brightly as he gazed into her surprised emerald irises. Her lips opened slightly in shock and a rosy blush covered her cheeks.
"Oh my God. Mark, it's beautiful!"
Mark pulled the sparkling diamond solitaire from the box and placed it on her ring finger. "Are you going to answer me or sit there dumbfounded?" A chuckle escaped from his lips.
Staring at the beautiful ring on her finger, she toyed with it in excitement. "Of course, I'll marry you Mark!"
Mark let out a loud whoop as he jumped up from the table and picked her up and twirled her around in his arms.
Their laughter and excitement echoed through the restaurant as the other patrons clapped at the sheer romantic nature of it all.
Things were wonderful between us over the next two years. Or so I thought. We had decided to hold off getting married until the first part of college was finished before we started Med school. That gave us plenty of time to plan. We actually took a big step first and officially moved in together a couple of months after we got engaged.
May 20, 2002
It had been the weekend from hell. Meredith pulled her car into the parking lot of her apartment building grabbed her duffle bag and hit the automatic locks on the car. On her way up the elevator to their 7th floor apartment, she reflected on her weekend. Poor Aunt Millie was just devastated by the sudden death of her husband Uncle Jim. It took everything that her and her mother had to calm her down after the funeral and Meredith was just exhausted.
Meredith pushed the keys into the apartment door and turned the lock. Dropping her bag to the floor inside, she shut the door behind her and headed to the bathroom. A high pitched giggle came from the direction of the bedroom. A giggle that was most assuredly not Mark's. Closing the distance to the bedroom, Meredith gasped in surprise at the sight of a beautiful, naked redhead straddling Mark's equally naked lap in the middle of their bed.
Meredith turned and ran. The sound of her heels clicked quickly over the hardwood floors as she ran out the apartment door.
"Meredith! Wait!" Mark yelled from the apartment door but it was too late. She was already on the elevator. /I
So yeah, the son of a bitch cheated on me. He actually cheated on ME, supposedly the love of his life, the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Clearly he had forgotten about that or just never really cared in the first place. I remember driving around for hours, listening to my cell pone ring over and over. I never answered it. Five hours later, I returned to the apartment. There was no sign of Mark and I sighed with relief. I was too tired to care where he was and it was too hard to even think about climbing into the bed that we had shared. I curled up on the sofa and within minutes I was fast asleep.
I The apartment door closed quietly. Mark spotted Meredith curled into a tight little ball on the couch, the shiny dried tracks of her tears evident on her cheeks. He kneeled down beside the sofa and captured the stray blonde hairs covering her eyes and tucked them behind her ear.
Her eyes slid open slightly, just enough for Mark to glimpse the bloodshot whites. Her lips formed into a deep frown.
"Meredith, I'm sorry."
Pulling back from the fingers caressing her cheek, Meredith shouted. "Get away from me!"
"Meredith…"
"You're an ass! Get out!"
"Meredith…"
"No! You don't get to do this! Pack up your sorry ass and get out!" Meredith forced her way off the sofa and stood there, her hands firmly on her hips, the lines of fresh tears coursing their way down.
"Let me explain…"
"I'm way past your excuses!" Meredith twisted the diamond engagement ring off her finger and threw it at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. "Take your fancy ring and get the hell out of here! Go and give it to your redheaded whore!" Meredith stormed into the kitchen and plopped herself down onto a stool at the island and buried her head in her hands.
Mark bent over and picked up the ring from where it had fallen on the floor. Dejectedly, he turned it over and over in his palm and walked with his head hanging low to the bedroom. Placing the ring on Meredith's nightstand, he grabbed his duffle bag from the closet and threw some clothes into it. Moving to the bathroom, he brushed his toiletries into the opening of the bag and zipped it shut. Shouldering the strap, he made his way to the kitchen.
An immense look of sadness crossed his face at the sight of her sitting there with her face still covered with her hands, her sobs muffled through them.
"I'll call you…"
"Don't bother." She choked out.
"The rest of my stuff…"
"…You can get tomorrow. I won't be here."
Knowing how hurt she must feel, Mark turned and headed from the kitchen to the apartment door. A loud sob broke from her lips causing him to stop and turn.
"Goodbye Meredith." He spoke softly, a hitch in his own voice as he closed the door behind him.
I know you know we've had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday
So that was it. Mark was out of my life, completely. He left me a note saying that everything he didn't take was mine to do with as I pleased. The ring, I had no clue what to do with so it sat in my jewellery box, pushed into the very back corner. Maybe someday, I will figure out what to do with it.
The end of summer brought the new year of schooling, the beginning of Med School. Mark had transferred out of Dartmouth during the summer. No idea where he went and I really didn't care. That chapter in my life was over. Now I had to concentrate on today, on learning to be the best possible doctor I could be. My social life was non-existent. I studied and spent my nights with my new best friend, Jose Cuervo until the sting of tequila was stronger than the pain in my heart. Until…
"How you doing? Double scotch, single malt please. So is this a good place to hang out?"
"I wouldn't know, I've never been here before."
"Oh well you know what, I haven't either. First time in town. I'm new in town. First time in Hanover . I got a transfer so... Ah you're ignoring me."
"I'm trying to."
"You shouldn't ignore me."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love."
"So if I know you, I'll love you?"
"Oh yes."
"You really like yourself, huh?"
"Just hiding my pain. So what's your story?"
"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar."
"I'm just a guy in a bar."
And that's how it began. The newest chapter in my life. Derek was everything that Mark wasn't. I tried telling him I wasn't ready for another relationship, that I was damaged. But he listened to me, and he made me laugh, something I hadn't done a lot of in a long time. And so, we are taking it slow. After Mark, I was sure that I would end up alone but we are trying and maybe…
I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
Song lyrics used in this are: End of the Innocence by Don Henley, I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi and The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow