Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Resident Evil: Outbreak. CAPCOM does. I thought it was Square-Enix, but I never really gave a damn in the first place…

Resident Evil: Outbreak

Tips for Online Play

Chevy: Welcome. Today we are going to be giving you some helpful tips for playing Resident Evil: Outbreak online, and our jolly crew of Raccoon City survivors will be acting them out for those of you who need visual aid.

David: I never agreed to this…

Chevy: I'm the author and, frankly, I never gave you a choice. Anyway:

Tip #1:

Chevy: We'll use Jim and Cindy as the main characters for this one.

Cindy: Yay! (giggles and claps)

Jim: (scoots away)

Chevy: Now, it is far less frustrating to shell out the money for a USB keyboard than to type messages in the Main Lobby using your controller, so CAPCOM has provided us with several quick commands. Watch how Cindy uses them correctly whereas Jim abuses the feature:

Cindy: Up For a Game?

Jim: Up For a Game? Up For a Game? Up For a Game? Up For a Game? Up For a Ga

Jim: I'll Make the Room. Be Right Back! Up For a Game? Be Right Back! I'll Make–

Cindy & Everyone Else in the Lobby: (Hits Ignore button)

Chevy: And, just like in real life, Jim is ignored by everyone.

Tip #2:

Chevy: Okay this is simple. If you want to play a game with Friendly Fire turned on, READ THE ROOM NAMES! If they sound too good to be true, the people in them usually are. Rooms with names like "Teamwork" and "Friendship" are usually traps for those of us who can't detect sarcasm. For this example we're using Kevin.

Kevin: Whoo! Okay, so I have two rooms to choose from, huh? Okay this one looks good!

Kevin Has Entered Room 2: NEKKID SLUMBER PARTYY!!1!1

Kevin: Hey! This isn't a naked slumber party! Oh well… Ready to kill them zombies, ladies?

Alyssa, Cindy & Yoko: (Evil grin)

Kevin: Uhh…

Alyssa: (Equips stun gun)

Yoko: (Equips Handgun)

Cindy: (Equips Butcher Knife)

Kevin: Uhhh… Ladies?

YOU DIED!

Tip #3:

Chevy: Despite her eight item slots and willingness to hold any item as an offline NPC, People who play Yoko online have other things to do besides be your walking item box.

George: Here, Yoko! Hold this for me!

Cindy: Here! Take this!

Alyssa: Here ya go!

Jim: Yoko, you mind holdin' this for a sec?

Mark: Git over here, I got somethin' for ya!

Kevin: Here, I want you to have this…

Yoko: ….(twitch) NO! HOLD ON TO YOUR OWN SHIT GOD DAMN IT! (pulls out handgun)

Kevin: (Steps back) WHOA! I-It's just a handkerchief, you crazy bitch!

Tip #4:

Chevy: Skipping cutscenes. Unless it's your first or second time playing, DO IT. About 95 percent of all online players frown upon non-scene-skippers.

George: But…the graphics are so amazing…and the voice acting is incredible! And dear God! Could that explosion look any more real, and—

Alyssa: (SMACK) Noone cares! Start the game already!

George: Ow.. (Rubs cheek, turns to Cindy) Cindy, she just hit me! Please explain to her that—

Cindy: (Leers at George)

George: Oh, fine.. (Presses the Skip Scene button)

Tip # 5

Chevy: The Talk commands are supposed to be used when appropriate. Here is a bad example:

David: Come over here! Damn! Help Me! Come on! HELP ME DAMMIT!

Yoko: I'm on my way!!!!! (Stops to catch breath) Okay, what do you need?

David: (Points to puzzle piece, then whines.) My item slots are full…

Yoko: (twitch) I know how to give you eight item slots…

David: Really? Cool!

Yoko: (Equips metal pipe) This won't hurt for too long….

YOU DIED!

Chevy: Well that's it for now, Until I come up with more. Hopefully some of you readers have the time to review and provide constructive criticism, maybe some ideas to help me add to and improve this piece. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Seeya!

Chevy Leonhart AKA Sweetboxer