I haven't written in 8 years, I might be a bit rusty. I've been into slash fiction for 11 years, never in this fandom until two weeks ago, so this is my first foray into Twi-Slash. I just chased the plot bunny in my head and this is what came out. I don't know if anyone will like it, and if not, I probably won't continue it. It's all good. Just felt like trying something a little different. Let's just call this part one...
Pairing: Jasper/Jacob
Jacob's POV. One shot.
Warnings: Mild het mention (unrequited love), mention of character death (briefly)
***I don't own it. I just play with it. Keep your books, Stephanie Meyer, just let me play with the boys...***
I was never independent. I remember being small and scared, clinging to my mother's hand as she walked me through the central part of town to meet up with my father. Thumb in my mouth, eyes wide, taking in the sight of crowded sidewalks and busy traffic. We were on our way to the park. I was terrified of going to the park, and my parents knew it. They had been bringing me out there every couple days to try and get me to play with the other children.
My mother placed me on the side of the sandbox closest to the bench where her and my father preferred to sit. The moment her hands left my small frame, I was in tears. I didn't want to be alone in that box, and I didn't want to meet anyone new. All I wanted was comfort. She would walk back up to me, pat my back, tousle my hair affectionately, and then sit back down. I was always inconsolable. I needed to be back at home, surrounded by my family. To me, everything else in the world was a foreign, and was not somewhere I wanted to be. I could always hear them in the distance between the sandbox and their bench, commenting on how my sisters never behaved in this manner. They didn't know what was wrong with me, or how to make it better.
As the years passed, my overwhelming need to be hand held abated some. It didn't hurt that I started school on the reservation where I was constantly surrounded by the same people I'd known since I was a baby. When I was with them, I felt like I was independent and free. When we would go out into town together, I felt like we were in our own world and that no one would hurt me or bother me. They were my family too, therefore, it was okay to be around them.
Things got more complicated when my mother passed away. I felt four years old, crying on the side of the sandbox, begging for the touch of her soft fingers against my back. To hold her hand just one more time and have her whisper into my ears, "Hush now… Everything will be okay, Jacob." I cried myself to sleep for weeks, even after trying to find solace in my father by spending more time with him. He wasn't sure what to do with my lost and hopelessness. Over time, however, I found myself growing closer to him, in a way that I never was when my mother was still around.
Realizing that he needed my help so much more now that she was gone, I found myself putting all my energy into helping him and being my father's 'buddy.' I found it to chase away the upset and gave me a new outlet for my need. Then I met Bella…
She was a breath of fresh air. Father's new friend, Charlie, brought her over one day when the two of them had plans to watch a Seahawks game. Grass stains on her jeans, wide eyes, and pen scrawl on her palm that could only be seen as she waved hello to me, she breathed life into my house.
We became fast friends that summer, and were completely inseparable. Twelve years old with not a care or a cause to devote our time to except being together. She was a wonder to me, so much girlier than some of my relatives. I'd grown up with tomboys for sisters who would punch you in the arm if you looked at them too long or rub your face into the mud just because. Bella was different. She could play like a tomboy, climbing in the creek, or holding a spider, but then she'd bat her eyelashes and giggle, turning into a ditzy girl who would rather be painting her nails.
She told me that she travelled a lot with her mom now that her parents were separated, but came to spend time with her father because it had been a long time since she'd seen him last. I told her about my mother, and she told me about the rough fights her parents used to have. Like a stereotype or a heartwarming kids movie, we pledged that we'd always be friends no matter what, that she would write me every week when she returned home, and that she would always come back to see me every summer.
It was the first time I'd latched onto someone that was outside of my family or my tribe, so my father heavily encouraged it. Charlie did as well, in order to help Bella feel more comfortable in a town where the only person she knew was her father. We had campouts in the back yard that ended with flaming marshmallows being thrown across the lawn until we got in trouble. On the good days when someone would give us a ride, we would load up on candy at the big convenience store across town that had a reputation of carrying the largest assortment of sugared treats. We would eat until we made ourselves sick, only to turn around and want to do it again two days later. An older boy from the reservation I knew named Sam snuck us into our first R-rated movie. My heart skipped a beat when I held Bella's hand during the scary moments, only to drop it minutes later when the scene evolved into one of a more sexual nature. For the first time since mom was gone, I felt safe again. Her laugh and her smile were the comforting hand on my back that I had been longing for. I was so wrapped up in it that I truly didn't think that at some point it would all end.
The last night of Bella's summer stay in Forks had me full of anxiety, but lying in the grass with her, staring up at the starts, I could hear her even breathing, and I felt calmed. She placed her hand on mine, but didn't say anything for a long time. "Jacob?" Her whisper cutting through the dark and curling into my open ears at the sweet sound of my name in her voice, "you'll always be my friend, right?"
I briefly squished her thin fingers in my own, "Of course I will, Bells. No matter what." In that moment, I knew she would always be an important person to me. My codependency mechanism was triggered in that moment, and I knew I would always crave her presence, like that of my mothers.
So it should have been no surprise that I would be crying in my bed months later. No letters, no phone calls, she had left me and broken her promise. Over time, the feeling of absence in my heart lessened, and I felt myself wanting to spend more time with my family again. I was slowly getting back to being my father's helper, trying to find a renewed interest in what I used to. Charlie still came around to spend time with my father, and on occasion, I went to his house with my dad, but I always felt awkward and uncomfortable around him, like I'd lost the ability to be myself.
Months turned into years, and the sun kept rising, and the moon kept shining through the dark, if only to remind me that the sun would return. I spent more time at home, fiddling with projects in the garage. There were always trucks to be worked on or motorcycles to play with, and it kept me busy. Being older on the reservation meant more responsibilities, and the expectation of helping out around the area. I was more than willing to man the tasks laid out for me, and to lend an extra hand when needed. I had no problem agreeing to help my father fix up the old pickup on our property. It was in need of repair, and I had started out with a lazy summer as it was, more television than was probably healthy.
Closing in on the end of the summer, I was proud that it was running again. I drove it a couple of times up and down the block just to make sure it was going to survive whatever plans my father had for it. A couple weeks before school, he knocked on my door, interrupting my second afternoon nap. I threw off my sheet, calling out to him. "Jake, get the keys to that pickup you've been working on for me and why don't you take me for a ride?" His voice was light and full of something I couldn't pinpoint. It'd been awhile since we'd just driven around together, and I was hoping this ride wasn't because he was going to accuse me of being depressed again.
"Sure, dad." I slipped on my shoes, and tucked my hair behind my ears as I left my room.
My father had already wheeled himself out to the truck and was waiting for my assistance in getting up into it. It sat up higher, like a farm truck rather than the fancy pickups you see in the bigger cities. We buckled ourselves in and set out on an undetermined path, him pointing in different directions for me to go at each stop. "Have I told you how handy you have been this summer?"
"Yeah… you've mentioned…" My words trailed off as I started to notice something familiar in the path we were taking. If we made one more turn, we'd be at the Swan residence. He pointed, and it was then that I knew for sure where we were heading. "Dad, why are we going here?"
I saw her. Standing in the driveway. My heart began pounding and I almost couldn't breathe. Bella had returned to Forks, and I was apparently the last one to know. I couldn't decide whether to run up and hug her, cry, or pass out. I went with the hug, and the sound she made when I squeeze her made all those months of sadness disappear from my mind. Her smell, her hair, her face, I didn't think I could ever have wanted to kiss someone so bad as I did in that moment.
The apprehension to be so close was evident in her face the moment she pulled away from me, and the awkwardness began. So, we were here to give her the truck, because Charlie had bought it off of my father. She didn't even know I was going to be there. No one had to say that, I could just sense it in the way she was acting. Still, I couldn't calm my excitement to have her back. " Are you here to stay?" I inquired, once we got away from the adults a bit.
"Yeah. Mom got married, and I just needed some stability, you know? Tired of moving around all the time." She twisted her fingers in her baggy jacket, eyes glancing up every so often to meet mine. "Are you still going to school on the reservation?"
I nodded, looking for words. Questions. Anything. My heart pounding made me fumble with my words. "We can still see each other, hangout, and stuff. Dad and Charlie hang out all the time, so, I know I'll see you a lot." My attempt at not sounding so eager was failing quite miserably.
She laughed, and oh god, how I'd missed it. I could have hugged her again right then and there. Before we could really have a conversation, though, dad called me over to tell me that Charlie would be taking us home while Bella was unpacking, since she'd just arrived that afternoon. I gave her a quick wave, and we went back home.
It was weeks before I got to see her again, she had called me, saying she needed some help with her homework. I was like an excited puppy by the door when she came over. "Hey!" I was waving, and smiling so hard that I knew my cheeks would hurt later. "How is the truck holding up?"
"Oh, it's holding up. Barely." Laughing, she threw herself down on the couch, kicking her legs up on the coffee table that had definitely seen better days. "I forgot how cold it always is up here, even in September. Shouldn't we still be feeling the after effects of summer?"
"Clearly, you don't remember Washington that well. That desert heat has ruined your brain." I plopped down next to her, as close as I could get without it feeling weird. "So, how do you like school? People treating you okay?"
A strange look passed over her face. " It's been decent. That homework sucks and the teachers are the same as they are in every school. I've made a couple friends, and they're okay. I guess there's this new family at the school, and I haven't really talked to them yet, but they're definitely different."
"Different how?"
"I can't explain it. It's a bunch of kids in the same age group for one, all in the same family. Like that's not weird at all. Foster kids I think, but some of them look too old to be someone's kids. The Cullens?"
My brows arched at the mention of that name, in a manner of intrigue. That was the last name of the doctor that Dad had encountered in town. He had some very strong words about him when he was talking to one of the other elders about him. I wasn't supposed to be listening in on that conversation, but I couldn't help but hear them. They both had seemed very concerned about his presence in town. "I'm not that familiar with them, but I've heard the name."
"One of them, Edward, all the girls keep talking about him. How hot he is, and how they want to go out with him, but I think everyone is too nervous to talk to them. They're pretty wealthy from what I can tell. They have all these brand new cars and clothes. Lucky foster kids, you know?" I shrugged my agreement. We didn't live in poverty, but things were okay, and new things didn't always mean good.
"Have you talked to any of them?"
"Edward stares at me a lot in class, but I've yet to talk to him. I think he might actually be interested in me. I can just sort of feel it in the way that he stares."
I could feel myself getting jealous, and I tried shoving the feelings down. It wasn't like Bella was mine. We were best friends for one summer when we were 12, and that didn't entitle me to acting like a jealous freak. I changed the subject to try and lighten my mood. "Hey, have you seen Sam since you've been back?"
"No, not since… forever, why?" She pulled her feet down, and turn to look at me concerned by the tone in my voice.
"He's changed so much. He cut off all his hair and he's totally ripped. I hope I look like that when I'm his age, geez."
"Scrawny Sam? That's crazy. I thought he'd have his nose stuck in a book at some university by now." Looking at her watch, she reached down into her bag, digging out her textbook. "Still going to help me with my science paper? You promised…?"
And that brief interaction, that was the last I had with her all year. It didn't seem to matter whether she lived in Forks or in Arizona, I just wasn't important to her anymore.
I tried calling her for awhile, and Charlie, at first, would answer and call out Bella's name with an excited tone. As the months went on, and Bella's constant need to be 'busy' continued, the sadness creeping into his voice when he would answer. "I'm sorry, Jake. She's out." Feeling at the end of my rope, in a moment of frustration, I asked where she had gone out to. "She's out with this Edward boy. I don't really like him, but… You know how teenage girls are. I'd much rather it was you she was with." I hung up the phone before anymore could be said.
She was out. With. Edward. The Edward that she had talked about the last time I had seen her. The Edward who's family made my family unhappy. The Edward who was taking Bella from me. I hated him, and I didn't even know what he looked like.
After a couple of days full of brooding, I finally inquired of the Cullens when talking to my father at breakfast one morning. "That's none of your concern, Jacob. You stay away from them, do you understand?"
"Why? I've never even met them." I scraped the eggs around on my plate, pushing them from one side onto the other. "Carlisle is a doctor, right? Isn't that a good thing to be?"
My father slammed down his coffee mug so hard onto the table that my glass of juice sloshed, and my silverware clinked. "This is not up for a discussion. All I will say is that they are not like us, and I don't want you to associate with them." His words had blown my mind, because I'd never known my father to be a racist man, or someone who holds prejudiced against another. It was very uncharacteristic of him.
Because of that, I felt inclined to blindly believe him that the Cullens were bad people. But his words didn't make up my mind about Edward. I had reason to hate him on my own.
I hadn't felt like myself for awhile. I'd started missing school, feeling feverish without the explanation of symptoms like chills or a cough. Dad would feel my forehead, and tell me I was fine. He looked on edge, but I just dismissed it to me feeling sick for so long. Friends and families from the reservation would come over to see dad, and would look in on me. Their eyes showed of concern and slight curiosity. I began to feel like perhaps there was something wrong with me.
Some days, I would feel better, but then I would begin to feel strange again. I stopped being able to control my emotions, and everything felt extreme. Snapping at the slightest provocation, and when night fell, it was like something was clawing at my chest. A feeling, a need, some desire without a name.
Sam and Jared came over often enough, just to get me out of my room, if anything. Mostly, we just watched movies, and talked. Except for a visit one night, when we sat and watched a movie, barely talking, me zoning out in front of the television. They kept whispering to each other and then looking at me as if waiting for something to happen. It was unnerving, and while I loved spending time with them, because they were always brothers to me, I felt odd in their presence. When the movie had finished, they convinced me to go for a walk outside.
We headed out back towards the wooded area behind my house. The sky was bright with stars, the moon was the fullest it had been all month. What was a beautiful night made my heart race with unease. My anxiety was high and just being in my body felt awkward. Not sure of where to have my hands, my legs felt coltish and shaky. We walked for a long time, before they both stopped in front of me. "Jacob, how are you feeling?"
"I'm okay." My voice faltered a bit, my nervousness shining through.
"Doesn't it feel good to be outside?" Sam reached for my hand, pulling me to stand between them.
"Yeah, I guess…" My heart was pounding so hard, sweat had begun to drop down my forehead.
Jared slung his arm around my shoulders, "Jake, you remember all those stories they told us? About the wolves protecting us from the cold ones?" I nodded, unable to respond in my confusion of his question. They seem to exchange a look, and then his arm dropped very suddenly, causing me to take a step back from him. I watched in a helpless silence as his body cracked and bent out of shape, and before me stood an extremely large fully fanged wolf.
My brain could not process what I had just witnessed, and fight or flight, I turned to sprint, my head swimming with the word 'run.' Sam grabbed my arm before I could get away, keeping me to the spot. I was panting with the speed of my heart rate, "what the hell is going on?" I cried out, gasping for air.
"It's okay, calm down!" He pulled harder, holding me still. "Jacob, you can do this. You're one of us. I know you can! I can feel you've changed, and you're behaving the same way we did before this happened to us."
"To you?" I blanched, and finally yanked hard enough to get away from him, running as fast as I could away from him. Weaving between trees and my feet pounding hard on the ground, I heard behind me an identical sound to when Jared had collapsed into… something I couldn't mentally grasp. I heard their pants from behind and I knew it was a matter of time before they caught up to-
It was as if time stopped when it happened. I felt myself moving forward, but being pulled back at the same time. My heart seemed to burst from my chest, my legs felt weak and unstable, and I thought I was going to hit the ground. My vision blurred, and my head swam. In that split second between running to falling, something escaped, and like the stretch that you'd spent hours needing to have, something stretched out forward that had been waiting lifetimes to do. When I hit the ground, I felt no pain. I felt warm in a way I'd never felt, and when I opened my eyes; I knew my body would never be the same.
The ground was so much closer to my vision range. Two voices called out my name inside my head, but I was so dizzy with change that I felt myself blacking out. The last thing I saw before it enveloped me were two wolves looking down at me, mouths open and drooling.
I never dreamed in all of my childhood of being anything other than what was normal. In school, I didn't raise my hand to proudly proclaim I was going to grow up to be an astronaut or a rock star. I didn't fantasize about racing cars or being president. Life was hard enough just being Jacob Black, to add anything else to that seemed like a nightmare.
I was a wolf. I was a werewolf. Well, more like a shape shifter, but the name didn't change the connotations associated with it. I shifted that night for the first time as they chased me through the woods and if I'd known then what I know now, I would have hidden in my room instead of going out into the woods with them. The safeties of my blankets helping me shield myself from a world full of danger and hurt.
When I fainted then, I had dreamt of my mother. She was holding me in her arms, and kissing my forehead, and telling me everything was going to be alright. I begged her to stay with me, and I told her I was frightened. She shushed me with her gentle tones, brushing my hair out of my face, and wiped the tears from my cheeks. 'I am always here for you. I am always here.' She pressed her hand to my chest, and before I could grab it, I awoke.
Shoving the heels of my palms into my eyes, I tried to scrub the tears away. Everything had turned upside down, and I didn't even know how to begin to fix it. I'm a shape shifter, and then I'm told there are vampires that live here now and that's why it happened. Vampires. Vampires in Forks, Washington. Not even the comfort of being in La Push could dissipate my panic.
And my friends, my family, my brothers. They were shape shifters too. It was too much. I tried to stay in my room, and hide the feelings, hide the new urges to become something other than myself, but you can't hide from yourself. I would feel the desire begin to well deep down in my belly, and beg for release when I'd look out a window, or breathe fresh air that would escape in from a recently opened door.
Against my will, I would join them. I allowed the transformation to take me over, running through the woods every night, feeling the stretch relieve itself.
I can't pretend like it didn't feel good to be out there. To be surrounded by my family. I guess I should be calling them my pack now. We would hunt, and we would play, and even though we were wolves, it didn't change the camaraderie between us. Slowly but surely, more joined in. We welcomed them with open arms, and showed them the way. Even though I was surrounded by this band of brothers, I still couldn't help but feeling alone and lost.
I pretended like everything was okay, but I felt so wrong. I felt inexplicably lost in a sea of my own confusion. In an effort to better my situation, I threw myself more into the pack. I went hunting every night; I spent more time over at Sam's than I ever had before. And it didn't hurt that Emily was there often. Sam's fiancé made me feel so welcomed; I'd warmed up to her instantly. When Seth and Leah shifted, their pack started to really feel as one.
It was hard when their father passed, but having Seth following me around like a shadow actually helped both of us feel better. Seth made me feel needed in a good way that kept me acting and behaving in positive manners, instead of the other kind of need that left me crying and lonely.
Life seemed to see some rays of sunshine poking through into it for once, and I slowly began to feel less clouded and closed off from the world. That was, until we went hunting one rainy evening. I don't remember whose idea it was, but we had been running all over their property for what seemed like hours.
I'm really getting tired and we having caught anything good. Paul whined, causing everyone to turn and growl at him. He seemed to find hunting the most taxing of all activities the group took on. It had been awhile since we'd seen any prey, and each one of us was starting to feel the tired wear of running for so long.
We'll stop soon, I promise. Come. I think I smell something this way. Sam led them down towards a slight ravine that ran through. Before we all began jumping off, we heard him loud and clear. STOP. Clawing at the dirt, Sam ducked his head as if picking up a trail. Something has been on our land, and it's not an animal, and it's most definitely not human.
Everyone began to frantically look around, trying to pick up the scent as well. Leah caught it first, and bounded across the ravine, where the scent hit all of us like a ton of bricks.
It's them. I felt panicked and excited all at the same time. I'd yet to see the infamous Cullens, and though it had been months since I'd last tried to contact Bella, I was sure she was still with that Edward. We raced after our target, and I prayed I was the first to arrive upon them. I wanted to rip their heads off, one by one. Especially Edward's.
Before we knew it, we were right outside of a very large, very expensive looking house. Their scent engulfed us, it was maddening, and it was also very clear we'd followed them all the way to their own home. In an instant, there was someone out the door and coming towards us, a slightly older man, maybe in his 30s or 40s, blonde hair, expensive looking shirt. He was waving his arms at us and calling something out.
"We meant no harm!"
Growling, Sam ran ahead of us, blocking our view of him. I could hear him yelling loud and clear to us that they may not have, be he does. Unfortunately, the man could not hear Sam. Instead, he called out names of others. Within moments, there were more of them outside, seven in total.
"My name is Carlisle Cullen, and this is my family. I think you can hear me, I-Edward, if you would please." He gestured to the wolves.
The youngest of their group came walking up to us, as close as he could get without Sam potentially ripping his limbs off. This was my hated Edward, and seeing him made me want to break away and attack him. There were safety in numbers, but I knew it would be very stupid to attempt anything without Sam's permission. I couldn't believe that standing before me was the man that had taken my Bella from me. He was young, and handsome, and I felt the tinge of jealousy show it's ugly face. He began to speak, breaking me out of my thoughts. "They're very angry. One of us was on their land. It goes against… the treaty?" He looked back at Carlisle, a very confused look on his face.
"It was an accident. We were hunting, and we're new to the area. As soon as Emmett went onto the land, he knew he'd made a mistake and immediately returned. Nothing was harmed on your land, I assure you." There was sincerity in his voice, and I know the others could sense it.
Edward seemed to be listening to Sam, as if he could hear us. "They say if it happens again, we will have a war on our hands." He rolled his eyes, clearly not taking us seriously. Leah jumped out, biting into the air, and I wished so badly that I would have had the guts to do the same. She was obviously as unimpressed with him as I was. Edward leaned forward growling back, not threatened by her actions.
If it weren't for Carlisle yelling at Edward to get back, things might have escalated. Sam called to us a retreat back to our land, and we all obediently followed, even though I most definitely was not ready to leave the showdown. The entire way, I could hear Paul's complaining, Leah's excited chatter, and Embry trying to get everyone to shut up. It had been a weird night, and a long one at that. We were all feeling grouchy and exhausted, and meeting up with a family of snotty vampires for the first time did not improve our moods.
Lying in my bed that night, I kept replaying the scene, seeing Edward's smug, ugly face, rolling his eyes. I dreamt of it all night, over and over again, except in my dreams, Edward would fight me. Leaning over me as he pinned me down, he growled out "You'll never have her again. She's mine!" I fought him, but he always won over me.
I feared that my dreams were the future I had to expect. That we would be beaten down by them, and that I would never know what it was like to hold her hand or see her smile again. It had been so long since I had seen her, and I felt like I would die if I never saw her again. Part of me wondered if maybe I had done what Sam always talked about. Imprinting. Had I imprinted on Bella? Was that why I felt this deep ache? But it didn't explain why I felt the same ache for her that I sometimes felt for my mother. I obviously couldn't have imprinted on my mother, so, that theory didn't make sense.
I couldn't lie in bed any longer. I threw off the covers and hurried to be outside. To be outside and in the woods where the smells and feel of the nature had developed the ability to soothe me at times was a well needed venture. At least when I was outside, the things I was feeling on the inside could escape me for awhile.
Shifting, I raced my way between the trees and through the piles of leaves that were accumulating on the ground. The stars sparkled and twinkled, and I rushed myself, every extra ounce of energy I put into it was one less memory of Bella I was shoving out of my head. The woods seemed to extend on forever, and I could have run out there till the day I died. When I hit the end of our property, I just kept going. I had no aimed direction, but when I ended up right where we had been outside of the Cullen's home, I couldn't pretend to be shocked.
My heart had brought me here, and like a thief returning to the scene of the crime, I felt compelled to come back and face myself with what things had become. Tucking myself down under some brush far enough away that I couldn't be spotted, I waited and watched them through the windows. It was very nearly 4 in the morning, and yet they seemed very awake and active.
It was as if an entire side of their house was glass, you could see in almost every room. I envied their existence, seeming to live so unattached from the rest of the world. The way I used to feel with my family or the way I felt when I had Bella in my life. I only knew of them what I had learned from Sam, and from the elders in the tribe. I wanted to hate them so much, but they seemed to have everything I didn't. I felt so jealous, and in feeling jealousy for them, it only served to cause me more pain. My vision blurred, the blood rushed through my ears, and all I could focus on was how I felt.
"I could smell your jealousy all the way from my room." I was so shocked to hear another voice that I shifted back to myself without thinking straight. Naked and unarmed, I laid there amongst the twigs and leaves, staring up at the man looming over me. He was tall, and slim, but seemingly muscular, blonde hair that tangled around his face, and lips that were positioned in a slight smirk. "I didn't think one of you would return. Especially not alone."
"It was an accident. I… I got lost when I was chasing something."
"And yet you fault us when one slips up onto your property by accident? So close to our home, should I not fault you?"
I gulped audibly. He was absolutely right, and I couldn't figure out whether shifting and running would get me out of this or not. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you, I just got lost. I'll leave, I promise." I'd started shaking without even realizing it, the vampire had me rather scared.
"Maybe you'd best stay. You seem to have yourself quite worked up, and I would hate for you to return to your… people in this manner, only to have them somehow turn it around against us. Why don't you tell me why you're really here, because I doubt that this particular invasion was an accident?" Leaning against a tree, he crossed one arm, and used the other to prop his head at angle, giving me an inquisitive look.
Something about his presence calmed my nerves in that moment, and it was enough to let it spill. It rushed out like a vomit. I could barely control my words or the tones in my voice. Half of it couldn't have made sense, just a slur of words. "I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate him, because he took her away from me, and I barely had a chance. Everyone seems to have everything so figured out, so perfect. He shows up, and she shows up, and then it's perfect. I've been waiting all these years and all I get is hurt and upset, and everything is so messed up, and now I'm a werewolf!" Before I knew it, I was starting to cry like the big baby that I felt I had become. He never moved from his tree, just continued to stare at me, his head cocked slightly.
Perhaps I had been waiting my whole life to tell somehow how fucked up it had become, and here it was, all being told to someone whom I was suppose to hate, and regard only with heavy disdain. I didn't hate him, and in that moment, I don't think I even had the capacity to feel that emotion for anyone else. The only one whom I truly hated was my own self, for letting me be a victim to everyone else's lives. I'd spent an eternity being so needy and so dependent upon others that I had lost all ability to be my own person. If I was needed, or wasn't being coddled, then I didn't matter. It was twisted and dismembered in my head and I couldn't make sense of how I was feeling. I laid there, feeling sorry for myself in the middle of foreign vampire territory until I didn't have any more tears to cry. When I took the last swipe of tears and opened my eyes, I was face to face with him now. He had left his post to lean over me, his eyes searched my face for a moment, mapping out my features. Looking for something...
"You are a dichotomy of emotions... What is your name?"
I hesitated for a moment, unsure of whether it would be safe for me to give it, but after considering my predicament, it couldn't hurt or help my cause. "Jacob. Jacob Black."
"I'm Jasper, Edward's brother. The one of whom your hate seems to be heavily directed." He held out his hand to me. I wasn't sure whether it was to shake or to help me up. I placed my hand into his very carefully. He was like holding an ice cube in the palm of my hand, but the expression on his face was enough to send warmth through it. "I will not harm you, unprovoked. I cannot grant a similar fate shall I potentially cross pathes with your pack. I should be off or my absence may rouse suspician. I'm sure I will see you again..." He turned to walk away, but I jumped to my feet, reaching out to touch his back to stop him. He turned back around just before my fingertips touched him. "Yes?"
Timidly, I asked, "why will you not harm me, but will harm them?"
He smiled. "Because they seek us with anger. Their only sense of being is caused by us, that alone confuses and angers them. You, on the other hand, seek solace, and I am no stranger to the need to find that." He let his words sink in before he spoke again. "I bid you a good evening, Jacob." And before I could blink, he was gone.
I never told anyone in the pack about what had transpired that night at the Cullens long after the pack had gone home. Maybe it was the shame that kept me mum, or it may have been that I was only left with the desire to return. Lying in my bed, I let his name roll off my tongue. "Jasper," I whispered into the silent confines of my room. The 'J' clenched my teeth and the 'P' puckered my lips in a beautiful array of motion. The name alone seemed to spark something inside of me, and I knew that I needed to see him again. I was just at a loss as to why it felt so important.
Baring your emotions to someone seemed like such an intimate act, and I'd done it in a manner that rivaled that of the night I rambled to Bella about my mother without even being prompted to do so. Jasper had caught me in a vulnerable predicament and in his presence alone, I flayed myself open. Jasper was no friend, no family member, and most assuredly not a licensed psychiatrist. He was a vampire, and by his very nature, my sworn enemy. For someone as nervous around people as I was, this was unusual. I replayed his words to me, and tried to read too much into their meaning.
What solace did he think I was in need of? What I really needed was Bella back. I just wanted things to be the way that they used to be, and on top of all that, I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to see him again. Over time, it became an urge I couldn't deny any longer. I'd tried to talk myself out of it, and use reason and rationality, but I was a lost cause.
My father always went to bed around eleven. He's catch the last evening news, check on me, and then sneak off into the kitchen to get into his hidden sweets that he had to keep hidden from me, because he knew that I would throw them away. A debilitating case of diabetes was not enough to keep him from his beloved sugar. Once fully stuffed, he would head to his room, and even with the door shut, you couldn't miss the sounds of his loud snoring. Loud enough to block out the sound of a screen door shutting.
I shifted as soon as I was out the door so that I could get there faster, and that it would also make it easier for me to pick up their scent to find my way back. It was almost pathetic that I found my way there in no time, my legs seeming to remember the way. The lights weren't on as bright as they were the time before, and for a moment, I worried that no one may actually be home. Activity on the south side of their home caught my attention and drew me to the area. My ears perked at the tinkling laughter that they gave off.
Bella. Her hair swung ahead of her in the evening wind, obscuring her face, but with my heightened senses, I could smell her in a thunderstorm. She was immediately followed by Edward, must to my dismay. He paused for a moment, pulling her up close to him, tilting her face towards his own, and closing his mouth over hers. It was one of the most painful sights I'd ever witnessed. Her hand reached up to tangle her fingers in his hair, pulling him even closer to her. I felt such defeat. Just to know that they were even together was enough to turn my stomach, but to see it first hand was enough to make me really sick.
I backed away from my hiding place. I should never have come back to that place, and the whole thing had been a huge mistake. I'd let my obsessive mind takeover my ability to reason, and now I felt truly regretful.
"You've returned." I didn't have to turn around to know his voice. How he managed to find me this time as well was nothing short of weird. "I wondered if you might return."
I shifted back, unselfconscious of my nudity, and turned around to face the direction that his words were coming from. "And it was a mistake to come here. I will be leaving now."
"I do not believe in mistakes, Jacob, only a series of connected coincidences. You came back for a reason. I don't think you should leave until you've gotten what you came here for." He came from out of the shadows, but kept a fairly well spaced distance from me.
Scoffing, I gestured towards where the happy couple had been just moments prior. "Clearly, I came here for the show." It sounded petty and immature, but my feelings were hurt, and I just didn't care at that point.
He shook his head, "you didn't come here for them. You don't seem like the type who would intentionally put himself through that, so I don't believe you. What's the real reason?"
I couldn't help but laugh. It was the kind of high pitched laugh you emit when you're nervous and trying not to get really upset. Pinching the bridge of my nose and squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to pretend like I wasn't having this conversation. "Right. And I should just tell you everything, why? I don't even know you. How come you keep finding me, anyway? It's like you're stalking me." It was a lie, and I knew it, but I was embarrassed by the truth.
When he didn't respond right away, I opened my eyes again. He was smirking at me, arms crossed, his body language showing me he knew I was full of it. "You believe that I am stalking you?" He raised one eyebrow as he started to walk towards me. "I think, perhaps, that you have it a bit twisted. I think it is you that is stalking me." He didn't stop until he was so close, I could see all the details of his eyes. Colors of fall swept around wide black centers, and they were enchanting to behold.
Another immature scoff came from my throat. "Whatever. I'm done here."
Before I could get turned around, he grabbed my arm. Hard. He pulled me closer to him, leaning down by my ear. "If you think I don't know why you're here, then you're dead wrong. You came to see me, and I knew you would the night I met you. This is what you wanted, isn't it?" His voice was so sharp and his words so calculated.
My reply was stuttered out, my heart pounding. "I… I couldn't stop thinking about you. I didn't even know you and I told you everything."
"Of course you couldn't." His cockiness was astounding. "I can sense your emotions, and I can change them. You were a lovesick teenager and I made you settle down. Are you going to follow me around now like the lost puppy that you are?"
I didn't respond, only looked at him with wide eyes at his revelation. I felt like I'd been manipulated. He had done something to me and that was why I'd felt the way I did with him. "I am not a lovesick teenager! I have been through a lot of shit in my life, and don't you even dare begin to tell me what I am and what I am not!" I could feel my face flushing in anger. In that moment, I realized he was still holding onto my arm. I tried to shake him off, but truthfully, he was much stronger than me. "Let go of me!"
He grinned at me, only tightening his grip. "Not until you admit that I'm right." It was clear that he found my frustration very amusing.
"I don't want anything to do with you! Fine, you're right. I'm pathetic, and I came here to see you again. I'm a lost puppy. Now, let me go!" I pulled away at the exact time that he decided to release my arm, causing me to fall to the ground. He was over me in an instant, pushing at my arms, fighting me for dominance. I struggled against him, but once again, he was much stronger. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Shouldn't I be asking the same thing?"
"This is not a game!" I cried out, scrunching up my face when he got my arm smashed into a particularly sharp rock.
"I think it is. You strayed from your family, little wolf, and there is no one here to protect you. Not in the real world."
I was panting with exhaustion, "I thought you said you wouldn't harm me."
"And I have not yet, have I?" He took my silence for his answer and continued. "I'm only giving you what you want. You wanted to be near me, and I couldn't be closer to you than I am right now."
"This isn't what I wanted!" I was getting closer to giving up on my struggle against him. "I just wanted to talk to you."
His face drew closer to mine, and his eyes narrowed on my own. "But I know what you need." With that, he closed the gap between us and pressed his lips against mine.
For the second time in my life, time stood still. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, it was going so hard. My entire body felt hot and shaky, and for a moment, I thought I was shifting. Everything tingled like when my leg falls asleep and then I suddenly move it. The tension in my expression drained away, and I felt myself surge up off the ground onto his cold body. His fingers positioned themselves behind my head, protecting it from the hard ground, and pulling us closer together.
It was the first kiss I had ever had in my whole life. Words couldn't express the thoughts or feelings that were going through me at that exact moment. He opened his mouth slightly, and he tasted me, his tongue softer and sweeter than any candy I'd ever eaten. I wanted to devour him, and in that moment, it seemed like a unified thought between us. His smell, his cheek against mine, the way he cradled my head.
I needed to be closer to him than I was. I reached up, pulling at his sides, trying to bring him down onto me, but he broke the kiss the instead, going back on his knees. "No. Please, don't stop." I reached for him, but he shook his head.
"I can't. That was… a temporary lapse in judgment. I felt you pulling, I-" He paused, and there was a look in his eyes that made me start to feel nervous. "Something is different. Jacob, do you feel different? Something isn't the same about you."
I looked around frantically at myself, touching my stomach, my arms, my face. I hadn't shifted; my body was still the same. The only thing that felt different was the gnawing urge to kiss him again, to be closer to him. "I'm still the same. I think…"
His forehead creased. "No, Jacob, it's not on the outside, it's on the inside. Even I feel different this time."
"Different how?"
"I have to go." He got up off his knees, and headed back toward the house. My heart lurched at the act, feeling like he had just ripped it from my chest when he walked away.
Somehow, I had gone from loving Bella, to turning into a werewolf, to kissing men, and the first kiss I ever got in my whole life was walking away from me. It felt like someone knocked the air from my lungs, I couldn't cry or call out, just felt numb at the emptiness.
It hit me. Like a baseball bat to the temple. Like Sam had said, when you know, you knew. I knew. I knew, and all the other feelings of fear that I had ever felt could not even come close to the feeling I sheer terror I felt at that exact moment.
I had imprinted.
On Jasper.
I raced home like never before, like I was being chased by someone or something. I couldn't calm the heaving of my chest, or how loud the screen door slammed when I ran inside. Throwing myself down on my bed, I burrowed deep beneath it's covers, hiding my hands and face.
"Oh god, no, no, no, no." My mantra became, and I let the tears fall. The events of the last year replayed in my head in quick succession, and I watched every stupid decision I'd made, all these series of moments, pass by my eyes. Everything seemed wrong, and I wanted to rip them from my head. I needed to get away. I needed to erase my past. I needed to escape myself.
I fucking imprinted! I screamed into my pillow, not caring if it would muffle enough of the sound or not. I screamed until my head throbbed, and tiny flecks of glitter sparkled around my vision. When I finally felt defeated, I let myself drift off into sleep. I never wanted to wake up again.
I still felt the ache from the moment I awoke. It burned my heart, and it clouded my brain. I fumbled through the morning, and remained silent through most of the day. I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than stare out of my bedroom window. There was a fog, and I was lost in it.
My father seemed to sense that I wanted to be left alone, and he did for the most part. By the time dinner rolled around, he was becoming concerned. He came into my room just around dusk, not saying a word. He put his hand on my cheek, stroking it with his thumb. I turned my head away, facing a wall instead. "Jake, I'm not going to pretend that I know what's going on, because I don't. But whatever is wrong with you… You can talk to me, okay? I know we'll never have the bond that you and your mother did, but… I'm here for you."
There was no response I could give him. I was trapped in some sort of depression that I could not get out of. When he rolled back towards the door, I needed him to stay, but I couldn't form the words.
"I love you, Jake." And then he left me to myself once more.
I didn't know it was possible to feel this bad. In the short life that I had lived, the whole of it was purely bad feeling. But nothing could rival the way I felt. The lonliness, the emptiness.
Days passed. I couldn't be roused from my room. I hadn't shifted in so long, and the need to stretch clawed at me, but I couldn't do it. I'd missed school, but Dad knew he couldn't make me go if I didn't want to. I stopped taking meals, my appetite was long gone.
It had been so long since I'd talked, I knew it was a matter of time before people started to show up. My father would call them. He would tell them that his pathetic excuse for a son has finally gone of the deep end, and he wouldn't know what to do with me.
By the fifth day, I knew we were at that point. I heard his hushed tones, and could just barely pick out the words. 'Scared,' and 'help.' No one could find out about what I'd done. I couldn't let them. If they found out, I would be shunned from my own tribe. My father would disown me. I would be all by myself for the first time, and that was not an option. Not for me.
I would have to escape before it was too late. Even through the fog, I could sense what was coming. Pulling myself off the bed for the first time in hours, I went to my window. The spring loaded latches popped off without much trouble, and I delicately moved it open. A light rain had started to come down, and the noise of it on the roof helped mask the shuffle of noise that was made when I climbed out.
I hit the ground running, a desperate man, and no solution in sight. The woods were my safety, and once again, I found myself running through them. I had nowhere to go, but away, and had to do everything in my power not to take me back to the same spot on the Cullen's property where this had all begun.
I made it as far as the cliff near the edge of La Push. The one that beautifully overlooked the water. Memories of a better time enveloped me, the laughing, happy faces of my pack members. Pushing each other off the edge, calling out 'chicken.' I bit back the emotion that tangled in my throat. The sky had grown grey from the rain, and the waves lapped viciously at the bottom of the outlook.
To bear witness to one of the most beautiful and wide open points of nature, and yet, to feel so trapped at the same time struck me as almost comical if I were just someone watching from the outside. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, and I was full of dark secrets, fear, and wrong. I wanted to end my own life. There was no way out of the mess I had created for myself. I walked to the edge of the cliff, letting the wind and light spray from the water hit me. I knew to fall would not end my miserable existence, but I needed to see it all. Just one last time before I found the means to an end.
I let the life that I had lived play out before me; I was kissing Jasper, Bella was kissing Edward, Leah was snapping at Edward to my delight. Visions of me shifting for the first time, Jared changing in front of me, seeing Bella back in Forks. Faster they played now. Helping father with errands, spending time at the Swan's home, laying in the grass with Bella, touching her hand, and looking at the stars, seeing her for the first time, waving at me. My head was spinning with the sights of them, and just as I came to my last vision, I felt cold fingers touch the side of my neck.
Four years old, sitting on the side of the sandbox, cheeks running with tears, I reached for my mother. "I need you, mommy!" I cried out, my little arms stretching towards her.
For the last time in my entire life, time stood still. The teeth sunk into my neck, and I was enveloped in fire. It licked at my face and burned heavy along my back. A burn so hot, the air left my lungs in a yell, and while I gasped for more, it would never return. I knew in that moment that I was dying, and that brought me some peace.
I let my mind drift back to my last vision, my child self in a scene of want. My mother came back to me, pulling me up into her arms, and whispering in my ear. "Hush now, Jacob… Everything is going to be okay." While the burning from the fire inside of me faded away into the background, I focused on her words and the comfort she gave me.
But like the other two times, time never actually stood still, and I awoke from my death to find myself in his arms. I could no longer feel the extreme of his cold, and the memory of what life had been only an hour before was just a shadow in my mind. There was a new hunger that I had never felt before, and I could feel it in every ounce of my being. It was a hunger for something that I had never experienced.
My heart no longer raced, and now laid dormant in it's cavity, no pain of breaking left to hurt me. And when his eyes met my own, I knew I would never feel that misery again. The rejection or the longing for the comfort of another.
"Hush now, Jacob... Everything is going to be okay."
I would never have to be alone again.