If love means letting go
Author's note: Well, here I am. This is a little missing moment from 1x10 episode Fake plastic snow, Amanda's point of view. What could I say? Amanda Tanen c'est moi.
Enjoy ^^
It could be the first of a little saga.
Disclaimer: Don't own UB or any characters affiliated with its production. Any real living people mentioned in this fiction are portrayed with creative licence.
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Sometimes I still think you're a little boring, I swear I do.
But you're so adorable, though.
My mind is really fixed on you, how can I help?
Hit my heart, destroy it, shoot it; it's yours, in a pile of rubble.
I hate you. I love you.
And why not? Isn't hate a degeneration of love? Those two feelings have so much in common.
I hate loving you and I love hating you. Call me crazy, I do.
I hate myself too.
How could I dare falling in love with you? I knew who you were, and I'm just nothing special.
I'm so jealous of her, you can't even imagine; I guess I had murderous thoughts, sometimes.
Have you ever felt the air vanishing from the lungs? Have you ever felt lost like I do?
God, I need you and I'm trying to be strong, for once in my life.
The problem is… I'm not strong at all, and I let myself struggling and falling down…
Often I'm afraid to see my armor collapsing, like that time.
It was Halloween and Betty… Oh God, I really cried in front of Betty Suarez? Take it as an example. I'm so damn breakable now… Or already broken.
I don't mean it's your guilt, no. I know… I perfectly know I can't force you, yeah? But all this pain… Why have I to love you?
Tell me just why!
I just feel… I just feel this emptiness, it's like I can't go on, I'm too sad… Too sad for everything.
I miss you, I miss you so bad… You don't even know how much I love you. I know, she doesn't love you as much as I do, she never will. None will.
You're always, always in my mind; not as a pleasure… As my inside pain. I'm sorry for my weakness… I'm never been strong, and… You're been my last wound.
I should stop faking. I do care about you, I can't deny; it's too bad for me, and you're really too bad for my healthy.
Sometimes happens I can't help but thinking about you, and when it happens… I can't go away, you're with me, step by step.
You made me feel the loneliness… And believe me, it's hard to be alone if that's not what you want.
I know… I had to know…
Have you ever felt like you're never enough? Like everything you want is fading away? Have you ever cried for love?
Love, funny. So simple word, so much pain.
I'm talking about physical pain: no more, no less.
I know you'll be okay… I hope you will. Despite all, love is stronger than hate; and… I could never really hate you, even if you hurt me bad.
Sometimes I dream about you…
I like those dreams, especially one.
We're walking on the sidewalk, it's raining, and I'm crying.
You smile to me (you've never really done it, and this is an open smile!) and open your umbrella. Then you say "Don't worry honey, it's okay, I'm there" and you wipe my tears.
I smile back and I rest my head on your shoulder; and that's the moment I like the most: you hold my hand, and we go away, under the rain.
I love that feeling of being together. It never really happened to me.
Together…
It's… I'm not living now, just surviving; and… A survivor can't be happy, he just can try to be not desperate.
I'm so angry! I would shout, I would break everything next to me…
I would kill you, her, I would destroy every lovely couple in this fucking world, Betty and his adorable accountant guy first. How it's clear what they feel for each other, and how much I envy her! She's next you every day… She knows your smallest secrets, your fears, whatever comes to your mind; and I envy her! I'm pretty, everyone knows, but for you she's beautiful… And I can even understand why.
I hate my weakness… I hate myself, Daniel: have you ever hated yourself?
I might find mine place in this world, someday. It's just… I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna be okay without…
How much times have I said "I"? I can't help but be selfish, at least a little.
If love means letting go...
It's just I can't; how could I?
How could I give you back the ring? Could I… Give up?
Have I… Have I to give up?
I never really had you, I never will.
They say love means letting go.
I had this nightmare yesterday night.
Remember what I said about my dreams about you? My favourite has turned into a nightmare.
When I start crying, you snort… Then you open the umbrella and look at me, an annoyed expression printed on your face.
"So? Can you please stop?"
I just can't; I know what are you gonna do.
"So… I'm going."
You give me the umbrella…
You're going for your way, and I'm never gonna be part of your world.
You're walking alone, and I squeeze the handle of the umbrella trying to stop the tears.
A gust of wind hit me bad and the umbrella flies away.
I'm alone.
I'm alone, under the rain.
I know you're not my destiny… And I'm not your destiny. We're not a perfect fit, I can't hope, I can't; you're thinking about marriage… But you want her, not me, and even if I know I love you more, because none can love you as I do…
If love means letting go…
You're talking on the phone, you're smiling. You're really, really smiling. Do you know? You have a beautiful smile.
The ring falls down, and I'm falling too.
I'm lost, and I feel my heart breaking, little by little; it's making noise, screaming, burning.
I'm so scared…
I scoop the ring from the floor, trembling.
It's time.
It's time to give up, it's time to wake up from the beautiful but very false dream.
Now I know I can.
He's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever, but now I'm giving the ring back.
I take my life back.
I didn't even know my own strength.
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