TITLE: The Price of Brotherhood
CHAPTER: 1, Prologue
"A dream you once were,
A dream of all my realities,
A dream I can no long strive for
In the wake of my manly betrayals."
― C. Elizabeth, Absolute Obsession
They ordered me to kill him.
Blind fury emptied mind of all thought. I'm to murder the man who taught me how to survive in this wasteland a where random moment of inattention could get you killed? A wise man who befriended a lost and grieving man. Saw something in him that lead him to believe I had strength and courage enough to join the Brotherhood of Steel and wear power armor. He made me a Knight with his own hands. He was there, at my side, when Elder Maxson promoted me to Paladin. After the ceremony, we wandered away from the party and spent the night talking on an empty vertibird pad.
I won't forget that night. If I die an old man or killed by a Raider, my last thoughts will be of the evening I spent with Paladin Danse. We had walked this deck many times, but tonight was different. Special? Magical?The stars reflecting off the water surrounding us in a blanket of light. We shared a bottle of wine and chatted about the BOS, the beauty of the night sky and the possibility of a mission to Far Harbor. When the temperature began to fall, and snow flurries skittered across the deck, we decided to head inside. Was this night was any different than the hundreds of nights we spent patrolling the Commonwealth together? Long winter nights where we often slept side by side under the stars or curled together for warmth inside a broken down building. Was it the stars? The moon? The season? I don't know. The things we considered romantic in my time are two hundred years out of date here.
Reluctant to leave the peaceful world we created, I hesitated. When Danse turned to go, he paused and turned back. When his hands reached the fur collar of my flight jacket, he silently zipped my coat closed. The moment lasted for eternity. Neither one of us took a breath. Without looking at me, he allowed one finger to touch my cheek. The callused tip of his trigger finger brushed across the beard stubble on my cheek. Had I seen this coming? Maybe. Did I want it? Yes. That evening and moment of understanding turned into a beginning.
That night occurred six months ago. Tonight they watched me and waited for my answer. They expected me to acknowledge the order with obedience. Are they kidding? It's only armor that keeps me on my feet. Elder Maxson peered into my visor. Thank God he cannot see my face. Muted by shock, I forced myself to the exit. My armor clanked against the wall as I stumbled down the stairs. I had to get out of here. Out of Cambridge Station and away from the words, he's a Synth, I order you to kill him.
I made it to a side street and vomited. They say he's a synth. One of the things I learned to hate. It was Danse who taught me to hate them. How many have I killed? Hundreds. And now, there's just one more. A sound tore from my throat. A sob or groan? I don't know. I know my heart is breaking and if that's a cliche, then so be it. But I can't describe this pain as anything else. The expanding agony spread through my chest weakens my knees and twists my stomach.
For once College Square is quiet. I need to sit down, but I'm sure they're watching me. I pushed myself away from the wall and kept moving. I wondered, is this a test? Have they sensed some weakness in me or my faith? The armor choked me, and I wanted to remove it. I tugged at the collar and imagined destroying it piece by piece. This armor, a symbol of what brought us together and for many months kept us apart. It's easy to keep your desire hidden inside the shell of power armor. Locked inside, safe from Raiders, animals and each other. We marched across the Commonwealth together shoulder to shoulder. We righted wrongs, saved children, built settlements and watched crops climb to the sun. He helped me find my son.
Dry heaves bent me over. I must move. They can't see me like this. There's a cathedral just two blocks away. After a short walk, I staggered through the front door of the dark church. My power armor opened, and I stumbled from the cage and landed on one of the splintered pews.
In another world, when I had a wife who loved me, and a baby son, the church held something for me. We dutifully attended church every Sunday. We waved to our neighbors and made plans for afternoon get-togethers. I prayed with the congregation, but no one knew the content of my prayers. They could never know that I prayed for guidance, for release from this sinful desire. I prayed to love my wife as she loved me, to find solace in the yielding softness of her arms. God, how can I kill the answer to my prayers? The strength of his muscular arms and trusting brown eyes. How can I obliterate the nights of passion we shared? The day we found the Institute and the old man…all that was left of my son. I'd run away that day, too. Ran until I couldn't breathe. Until sobbing took the place of breathing. I ran until the fusion core in my armor died. When I stopped, Danse was right behind me. I hadn't realized he followed me. I watched him step out of his armor. My armor opened, and he caught me before I fell to the ground.
I'd teased him once about having a hug for me. He replied something about when that moment comes. I guess that was the time because he wrapped his long arms around me and I cried out the grief into his chest. Grateful for his understanding that searching for my son was the only thing that kept me going in this crazy world I held on. When I could breathe again, he led me to a nearby sleeping bag and pulled me down. He tucked me against his broad, sturdy body and I slept. When I awoke, I watched him cooking over a small fire. We ate breakfast, washed up, climbed back into our armor and kept moving. We never spoke of that night again.
The answers to my prayers and the selfless love we discovered gave me renewed purpose. I loved Paladin Danse, and I'd found a home with the Brotherhood of Steel. I raised my hands and examined them in the dim light. They're covered in blood, the innocent blood of the hundreds of people I'd killed in the name of the Brotherhood. Now I must wash them in his blood. Only he doesn't have blood, does he? Once, they called me the Lone Survivor, today I am Paladin Arsen of the Brotherhood of Steel, and I've fallen in love with a synth. Learned to fly in the arms of a synth. By the time the sun comes up one or both of us will be dead.
The filthy splintered pew caught me as I fell and as I lay there with tears trickling into my ears I thought back to that glittering night on the Prydwen...