Title: Three Words
Rating: K
Author: tika12001
Summary: Casey has proposed, and Jane has said yes. A little fic that catalogues Jane's and Maura's thoughts on this life altering decision.
Disclaimer: not mine, just borrowing the characters, no monetary gain, etc etc
Author's note: I've got other things I need to work on... novel, pregnancy diary, etc! But this popped into my head and wouldn't hop out again, so here you go. :-)
R&IR&IR&I
Three words.
"I said yes."
Who ever could have realized that a simple three words could have such a devastating effect?
"I said yes."
It is those three words that has my world crumbling.
"I said yes."
They tumble about in my head cruelly, their edges made of barbed wire. They make me wince, make me hurt, make me pain, and yet I cannot get away from them.
"I said yes."
She said yes. To Casey. And I have now come to realize that this means...
She will never say yes to me.
R&IR&IR&I
"I said yes."
It was a hard decision, you know. Harder than anyone knows. I don't even think Maura understands the depth of my confusion, the battles I fought with myself to come to this conclusion.
"I said yes."
Three simple words, and I can see her face shut down. "Oh," she says slowly.
"I said yes."
She doesn't tell me she is happy for me... I think that if she did, it would be a lie.
"I said yes."
The word yes suddenly seems to have sinister intent, it hisses and coils inside my head like a snake, with teeth poised ready to attack.
"I said yes."
To Casey.
And I turned Maura away.
R&IR&IR&I
"Maura, talk to me."
Four words now, four words that are bouncing around inside my head along with the previous three. These ones hurt a little bit less though, because she is reaching out to me. Jane is trying.
"Please, just talk to me!"
I can't. Not as a friend. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know her as well as I thought.
"Talk to me, damnit!"
It hurts. It hurts to ignore her, it hurts to talk to her in a cold, professional manner, but it's the only way I can keep myself together when it seems the whole world is falling apart around me.
"You know what, fine. Fine! I'm going."
She's leaving, and I look up, catch her eye just before she turns away. She freezes, stares at me.
'I said yes,' the words tumble in my head as I stare at her. I don't feel like a woman in her late thirties at this point.
I don't feel like much of anything.
"Please, Maura. Please tell me what I can do."
She's begging, and I can't stop myself, I can't. My brain has no control anymore, it vanquished control a millennia ago. To her.
"You said yes."
"I did." She is confused, and a small part of me relishes the pain I see in her eyes.
"You should have said no."
R&IR&IR&I
She's not talking to me anymore.
No, she is, but it's cool, professional. She's no longer my best friend, and I don't understand why. So I go down to the morgue to see her.
"Hello detective."
Cool, calm, collected, and I feel like it's a slap in the face.
"Is there anything I can assist you with?"
Yes, I feel like telling her, yes, I would like the results on when my friend Maura Isles will be back please.
I don't say it.
"I don't know what you are talking about, detective. I am talking to you."
Frustration. Pure frustration boils through my veins, turning my blood into lava. I don't know what else to do, what else to say, so I do what I do best.
I run away.
Or I try to. But her eyes capture me before I can flee, capture me as surely and neatly as throwing a net over my body, and I suddenly find I have no control over my limbs anymore.
"Please, Maura. Please tell me what I can do." I'm begging her desperately, staring in her eyes. Not blinking, even though my eyes are burning, because I'm powerless against her.
"You said yes." She's whispering, but I'm confused.
"I did."
"You should have said no."
The breath catches in my throat. I'm lost, directionless as I continue to look in her eyes.
"Who should I have said yes to?"
R&IR&IR&I
I don't know if she meant to ask that question, but it now hangs in the air between us, and I am powerless but to answer.
"Me."
R&IR&IR&I
I didn't mean to ask that question... or maybe I did, but phrased slightly differently. But she answers anyway.
"Me."
R&IR&IR&I
She runs. It's what I expected.
R&IR&IR&I
I run. I don't know what else to do.
R&IR&IR&I
I'm used to being alone. I can survive without her.
If I say it enough times, I might even begin to believe it.
R&IR&IR&I
I've never really had a best friend before Maura. I survived a long time without her in my life.
I can do this without her.
I think.
R&IR&IR&I
I want to cry, but I don't. I want to scream, but I won't.
I am Dr Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Queen of the Dead.
And the dead are my only friends.
R&IR&IR&I
"You wanted to see me?" Casey asks when he shows up on my doorstep. He tries to step forward, to hold me, but I deny him the privilege, stepping out of his reach.
He frowns.
When it's done, I'm not quite sure what I said. Because all I could think was his hair is too dark and his eyes are too light. His body too hard, his skin too rough.
I don't think about who I am comparing him to.
At least, I try not to.
R&IR&IR&I
Everywhere I look in my house is a reminder. Her beer is in my fridge, her clothes in my washing machine. Her instant coffee in the cupboard, her makeup in my bathroom.
I open the fridge and pull out the wine, a cheap casket that Jane bought. I need to feel closer to her. And when I drink this, I do.
So I drink.
And, despite it all, I try not to think about her.
I don't succeed.
R&IR&IR&I
I knock on the door and she answers it. Her eyes are downturned, sad and I think I can see the beginning spots on her chest.
She gets hives when she lies.
But she doesn't always have to lie to get hives.
"I said no."
R&IR&IR&I
"I said no." These are the first words I hear when the door opens, before I even look up to see who it is, but my heart seems to stop.
"You did?" I ask, careful to keep my voice neutral, careful to seem uncaring.
I am the Queen of the Dead.
And the dead are my only friends.
"I realized I didn't mean it."
"Oh?" Cool, calm, collected. The Ice Queen.
"Maura?"
R&IR&IR&I
"You did?" she asks, her face a smooth mask of neutrality.
"I realized I didn't mean it." She nods slowly.
"Oh."
Suddenly it is too much; I feel like a balloon blown up to breaking point: I have to let off some of the air before I explode. "Maura?"
It breaks out of me with a feeling like the impact of a gunshot, and finally, finally her eyes soften.
"Yes?"
R&IR&IR&I
"Yes?" I ask, feeling my walls crumbling with just that one word, hating myself for feeling this way.
"Please forgive me."
R&IR&IR&I
"Please forgive me," I plead, I beg, and suddenly I am too far from her, far too far. I step forward, into her personal bubble, but she doesn't push me away. "Please forgive me," I say again.
"For what?" She has to tilt her head up to look up me; I am in my heels still while she is barefoot.
"For saying yes to him... when I should have said yes to you."
R&IR&IR&I
"For saying yes to him... when I should have said yes to you."
The words are powerful enough to knock over a mountain, yet gentle enough to not ruffle the smallest feather. They are strong enough to kill an army of men, yet full of enough meaning to save the life of the tiniest ant.
I don't know what to say. So I just say three simple words.
"I love you."
R&IR&IR&I
Who ever knew that three words could have such an exhilarating effect?
"I love you," she says, so I repeat it.
"I love you too."
Four words this time.
R&IR&IR&I
"I love you too," she says. Four words this time. Four words that bounce around inside my head, along with the previous three.
She said yes.
I love you too.
Three words that turned into seven words.
Three words had my world crumbling.
Seven words built it back up again, better than before.
"You said yes. To me."
"Always to you, Maura."
END
Wanna know a fun fact? Wrote this whole damn thing (except for the last three or four lines) while on the phone to Centrelink. If you don't live in Australia, Centrelink is an evil, soul sucking place of evilness. But it gives you money, so it has it's up sides. Trying to explain to them that I am unable to get to an appointment in February cause I will already have recommenced fulltime employment is fun. 'Oh, how about I offer you an appointment 5 days later?' Nope, still planning on being employed then, sorry. Also, I have to look for employment even though I showed them my contract stating I am starting full time work in less than two weeks. GAH. Anyway. Whinge over.
Please review! :-P Love yas all! :-)