The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)

by Ulquiorra9000

Chapter 1

Ichigo was still pacing back and forth in his and Candice's bedroom in their small but cozy apartment, and by now, he was sure he'd worn a deep enough track into the floor for irrigation purposes. "Candice, honey, your contractions are still kinda far apart -"

"Ooooooh! I dunno, darling," Candice moaned, reclined in the rocking chair, hands on her large, round belly. "Maybe it's time?"

"Well, I, uh..." Ichigo kept tugging at his shirt collar, like he'd done for the past ten minutes. Candice was eight and a half months along... was this time? But they'd had false alarms before, like the one last week.

Candice hunched forward with another groan, shoulders heaving. "I think th-this is for real!" she cried. "L-let's get to your dad's clinic. Pronto!"

Every detail in the room stood out starkly in Ichigo's eyes: the angle of evening sunlight poking through the half-closed blinds, the ticking cuckoo clock on the wall (Giselle's baby shower gift), the empty ramen bowl and chopsticks on the bedside table -

And the up-and-coming baby!

The big moment!

Ichigo felt very small.

"O-okay, okay. Stuff!" Ichigo blurted, gripping his orange hair. "Things... I gotta..."

Candice giggled. "Got a short circuit, darling? Ooooooh!"

Ichigo jumped as though jolted by lightning (it might have happened for real). "Okay, take my hand, and I'll get us to the car." He extended the promised hand. He wished it didn't shake like that.

"You're the best." Candice took his hand and discharged enough lightning to power Tokyo for the length of a Friends episode.

Ichigo lay sputtering on the carpet, a charred, smoking mess. "Now I need to visit the clinic!"

Candice giggled again and managed to heave herself upright. "Hooray! I got up by myself!" She winced and panted for breath. "Ooops. Might have worked something loose..."

Somehow, Ichigo channeled some mysterious deep power (commonly known as adrenaline), finally slipped on rubber gloves (it wasn't a coincidence that he had a pair nearby), took his wife's hand, and herded her to their '98 Toyota. Ichigo swallowed hard and fired up the engine, slowly backin' out of the driveway.

And nearly hit a blue sedan that was passing by.

"Son of a bitc -!" Ichigo roared.

Candice smiled. "Hey, the baby has ears, y'know."

"I'm sorry," Ichigo said meekly.

"No, I mean if the baby's gonna learn how to cuss, it should learn from a master like you!"

Ichigo backed onto the road safely this time. "I should have figured."

The good news was that Isshin's Kurosaki Clinic was just a ten-minute drive away. The bad news was that at least six cars were piled up around the place, and Ichigo very grumpily parked two houses down.

"This had better be a convention of maternity ward nurses," Ichigo commented as he led Candice down the sidewalk, his sweaty hand held tightly around hers.

Candice squinted. "Hey, I recognize one of those cars..."

Ichigo did, too. This didn't bode well.

A roar of noise blasted back Ichigo's hair as he threw open the front door. He scowled. "DAD!"

Isshin leaped to his feet and scrambled over from the festivities, his face lively. "M'boy! Candice, my dear! Welcome! I -"

Ichigo introduced his foot to Isshin's face. "We need the clinic! It's baby o'clock!"

Isshin did his best to ignore the smoking, foot-shaped crater on his face. "Okay! Baby! Right this way. I have some fancy new equipment, y'see, and -"

The power crapped out.

Isshin's friends hollered. "Hey!" one cried. "Isshin, you got a backup system?"

Ichigo stared at the huge entertainment center that Isshin had whipped up. He counted. "Eight game systems?!"

Isshin grinned widely. "I'm collecting them all, hooked up to this monster 76 inch TV with surround sound! I'm still missing a Jaguar and Saturn, though. Got a nice deal on an N64 the other day..."

Candice groaned again, hands still resting on her swollen belly. "I-Isshin!" she cried. "L-let me get the power back on..."

Ichigo stepped aside, and Candice stuck her finger into an outlet.

She let out a whopping 1 watt.

"Uh..." Candice said with an embarassed giggle. "Ichigo, honey, I used up all my juice zappin' you back at home!"

Ichigo clutched at his face. "What are we gonna do?!" He'd fought hollows and arrancars and Soul Reapers... but this was the biggest challenge of all! The baby...!

"I... don't have a backup system," Isshin admitted. "Sank all my cash into this home entertainment center. So, uh..."

"Gee, I dunno. The Karakura general hospital?" came an annoyed voice. Karin emerged from down the stairs, with Yuzu peeking nervously from behind her sister's shoulder.

Isshin clapped his hands together, startling everyone. "Yes! I just had a good idea! The general hospital!"

Ichigo let his foot deliver the first half of his response. "Great. Let's go!"

Despite his kick-weary face, Isshin loaded his family into his van and floored it.

*o*o*o*o*

Ichigo couldn't resist; maybe he'd calm his nerves by sharing the exciting (and scary) news? On the drive to the hospital, he typed in his new status update into his phone's web browser. Instantly, Tatsuki, Orihime, Uryu, and Chad liked it, but Keigo responded with "what a coincidence! I'm at the hospital too!"

Ichigo stared in shock at the screen. Don't tell me Keigo forgot the rubber with his latest lady escort?!

He forgot all about it as he and Isshin helped Candice across the parking lot, and hospital staff hurried over and got her into a wheelchair. And once inside the hospital, Ichigo was surrounded with doctors, patients, pages on the intercom, and a few crying babies.

Now it's on!

And on the way past the first hallway, Ichigo heard a familiar voice. "I-chi-gooooo! My man!"

Keigo Asano, despite what looked like a badly-sprained ankle, hopped off his bed and limped after Ichigo's party. "Look! I'm here, too! Good to see ya!"

"Kind of in a rush, Keigo!" Ichigo cried. "Dude...!"

"But I wanna see the baby!" Keigo insisted. "Have you guys decided on a name?"

Ichigo opened his mouth to respond but closed it again. They hadn't, actually. He changed topics. "What happened to you, bro?"

"Tried to skateboard over a bear in the zoo," Keigo answered.

"Looks like that went badly," Ichigo said as the party rounded a corner toward the maternity ward.

"No, I landed the stunt perfectly. Got a lot of cheers!"

"Huh? But your ankle -"

"I slipped on a banana peel while I was going to an ice cream stand to celebrate."

Ichigo couldn't even muster a response.

"Here we are, darling," a nurse said kindly, wheeling Candice into an available room. "A doctor will be in right away." She and the other nurse helped Candice into the bed, then hurried out.

Karin scowled at Keigo. "Why is this monkey in here with us?"

"Hey, I met some monkeys at the zoo," Keigo said defensively. "They're noble creatures."

Yuzu blinked. "You 'met' them?"

"I speak monkey." Keigo sounded impossibly proud of that "fact".

Candice cried out again. "It's almost here!" she wailed. "Where's that doctor?"

Ichigo took his wife's side and held her hand tightly. "We'll be all right, honey," he assured her. "As soon as -"

There was a great deal of indignant shouting in the hallway.

"Our friend's gonna crank out a baby! Outta the way!" came a familiar voice. A second later, both Giselle Gewelle and Meninas McAllon came raging into the room, surfing on gurneys.

"We won't miss our friend's big moment," Meninas said calmly. "Not for the world."

"So we invited ourselves in!" Giselle added happily.

Ichigo scowled. "The security around here must have gone to hell."

Giselle broadened her goofy grin. "No, we just used a few tripwires and nerve gas deal with 'em."

Karin edged her way out of the room. "I swear, the insanity around here is contagious."

Finally, a doctor and a nurse arrived. "Everyone clear out!" the doctor commanded, but no one budged. He winced. "Okay, no one clear out. But make room, at least!"

Everyone, even Keigo, backed away, and the doctor and nurse got to work. With Isshin's insistence.

"I'm a medical pro!" Isshin cried when the nurse gave him a death glare. "For real! Please?"
Ichigo rolled his eyes. This day was going nothing like how he thought it would!

At least Candice was pulling through. Sternritters were tough, and Candice kept up with the doctor's and Isshin's directions. Just as Ichigo was going to fuss at Giselle for jumping up and down in excitement in such an annoying manner the whole time, he heard Isshin gasp in delight, followed by a high-pitched cry.

Candice flopped her head back down on her pillow, her mint-green hair damp with sweat. "Victory!" she declared.

"Congratulations," the doctor said as the nurse toweled the youingster dry. "A healthy baby boy!"

Giselle broke everyone's eardrums with her squeals of delight. "Ooooooh! Ooooooh! Let me hold him!"

Meninas knocked Giselle aside with her pinkie. "No, me!"

"I, uh... think the mother should -" the doctor started, until Candice wrapped her hands around around the baby and held him up to the light.

"I think he's got my eyes," she commented. She wrinkled her nose in concentration. "Or my eyebrows? It's kinda hard to tell..."

Isshin looked radiant. "And he's got your hair, Ichigo. A fine shade of orange, like... the rind of... an orange! Yeah!"

"Ever the poet," Karin grumbled. But even she couldn't hide her grin at seeing her nephew's first moments, as Yuzu was crying twice as much as the newborn.

"What about a name?" Giselle added. "Name him something cool! Like Spike!"

"No," Meninas argued. "Something classy! Something like Edward Charles Truffleshire III!"

"This ain't Downton Abbey," Keigo put in, fists on his hips. "You gotta name the baby after what it looks like! I name him... Monkey!"

"I think that name is taken," Yuzu said, scratching her head. "I might have met someone like that once..."

Candice beckoned, and her husband joined her. "We gotta choose quick," she said fondly. "I wanna call him by his name!"

Ichigo felt his heart race as he gave his son a good look. "I-I, uh... what about after Isshin's brother? Daisuke?"

Candice bit her lower lip. "I... dunno. Oh! We could name him Akira. I like that name."

Ichigo frowned. "I think that one's taken, too. Sounds more like a biker's name. What about..."

"Monkey!" Keigo repeated, and Karin dragged him out of the room and back to his actual room.

Ichigo's eyes widened and he touched his son's nose. "What about... Shiro, after my grandfather?"

There was a murmur of assent.

"Yeah!" Candice cheered. "I mean, I don't have much family to speak of -"

Giselle and Meninas looked mortified.

"Sorry!" Candice said quickly. "You're both sisters to me. But Shiro seemas good to me. It sounds... perfect." She lowered her son and kissed his forehead. "Welcome to the world, Shiro. There's all kinds of fun stuff here. Fast cars and cool sunglasses and fancy suits you can wear..."

Isshin cocked his head. "So... the Yakuza?"

Candice innocently touched a finger to her chin. "What's that?"

"Tetsuzaemon's crowd." Ichigo smiled and held Candice's hand tight. "But forget that. I'll go get you some dinner, okay?" He hissed her forehead. "I love you, Candice."

"Love you too, darling." Candice sighed with exhaustion and satisfaction, resting her head again on the pillow. "Me and Shiro will hang out in here." She waved to the small crowd. "Thanks for visiting, guys! It was fun!"

"Anytime!" Keigo said, peeking from around the doorframe until Karin dragged him back out of sight.

Ichigo escorted everyone back out and headed to the cafeteria.

He kept a careful eye out for banana peels.