I run through the mansion, trying to save the ones I know I can't save. I finally find the room where they are, and there are flames everywhere, I almost can't breathe because of the smoke and my damn asthma, and then I see them, sitting in a chair, their faces stitched together to make one, horrific face, and I scream and I run and I think I am dying and I scream and every spark of hope fades away and it burns and I scream and I'm alone and terrified and I scream and scream and…
Finally, I wake up. Was about time. I hate that nightmare, because it's true. The only thing this nightmare always forgets to mention that I contracted with a demon, Sebastian, who promised me that I would get my revenge. He became my butler and he is always by my side, so I guess I'm not supposed to feel lonely anymore… But why do I still feel the cold then? Damn it, my thoughts hurt. Why am I so alone with so many people around me? Hate my life. I've got to stop myself from thinking, or else I'll slip away into the darkest places of my brain, where there is no light to brighten up my thoughts, where all that matters is death. I get out of bed and walk over to my desk. I open a drawer and there it is, shining in the moonlight. My medicine against mental pain, a way to turn I into physical pain, pain that I can cope with…
I pick up the knife and look at it. It looks very sharp and dangerous, because it IS very sharp and dangerous. Why would you look at things and not seeing what they are? You could just as well be blind. I look at my wrist. There are scars, and I'm sure Sebastian must have seen them when he dresses me. Sometimes I see him staring at them in disbelieve, but he never said anything about it to me. Nobody says anything. Lizzy saw them once, when we were dancing. I lifted my arm and my sleeve fell down. She looked at them with big, terrified eyes, and then she ran away crying. I don't blame her. I would also run away from it, if I could. But if I stopped doing this, the mental pain would get worse and worse, until I would see only one escape. And then it would be too late to get back. I need to do this to prevent worse.
I turn my mind off and cut my wrist. The blood slowly trickles down my arm and I look at it, seeing the blood make drawings, like a macabre version of staring at clouds. I feel the pain, slicing all my dark thoughts away for a while. I sit down in a corner of my room, looking at the fresh blood streaming over the scars. The sound of a door opening makes me snap out of my dreamy condition. Fuck. It's Sebastian. He saw the scars, so he knows I'm doing this, but I do not want him to see me like… this. I quickly put my sleeve over my wrist. Bad idea. The blood staining the white shirt looks quite terrifying. Sebastian lights up a candle and walks over to me. I suspect he's going to preach, but he doesn't. "Why?" It's only a soft whisper, but I can hear it. "Because it hurts. It makes me forget things… It makes me forget I'm alone." There is no use in lying anymore. I just have to tell the truth. It's not like he's going to help me, but I kept everything inside myself and it burns from the inside, slowly devouring me. By the time the contract is finished, there would be no soul left anymore. "Sebastian… you can have my soul now. I don't need it anymore. It's too scarred to keep me alive." I close my eyes, preparing for the last pain I would ever feel.