Disclaimer: ...Ooh! Look! A Cookie!!
A/N: PRESENTING!! THE COOKIES AND LEMONS!! I am writing it is 3rd person because I am bored and can...
One day, Mike Newton was walking along. Dooh Dee Dooh. When out of nowhere, OUT DROPPED A MAGICAL LEMON!! Of course, Mike Newton was curious as to what the strange phenomenon in front of him was, although I have already mentioned it was a lemon...
-two hours later-
"IT MUST BE A SIGN! LIFE HAS GIVEN ME A LEMON! I MUST ALTER ITS DNA TO MAKE A SUPER LEMON!" Mike said, finally realizing it was a lemon.
"You Dumbass! Somebody has already altered my DNA! I was wondering of you would join my super army, since you are the one and only great leader of the lemons! It is urgent! We are going to war in just two hours, since it took you so long to notice I was a lemon, even though the author mentioned it!," The lemon had a very deep, manly voice. Mike was very surprised, he backed away very slowly, BUT NO WORRIES MY FRIENDS!! The story's not over yet! The lemon tackled Mike Newton and started bitch-slapping him, even though it had no hands, feet, legs or arms to bitch-slap him with and the changes of knocking poor Mike down, being just a lemon and all, are very slim, but it happened.
"Oh Noeys! I have been bitch-slapp-ed! I shall join your army because you are almighty like Bruce and Evan! Just one question though, are you a girl or a guy?" The lemon, seeming very offended, un-tackled Mike Newton and put it hands on it's hips, which it seemed to have just recently sprouted. A very manly action indeed...
"Of course I'm a girl! WTF? For The Great leader of the Lemons, you're not that smart!" The lemon responded, still talking in a very deep manly voice. Mike, being rather freaked out, just noticing that it was a DNA altered talking super lemon that was standing there, talking to him, stood there with wide eyes, and finally, an idea came to him!
"I know!" exclaimed Mike as he snapped his fingers. "I could sell you for money! I'm sure your existence would benefit science! Then I would be rich!" Mike, obviously quite happy with himself, stood there, quite happy with himself, grinning from ear to ear. This, however, earned poor, poor Mike Newton getting bit on the toe by a lemon.
"Oweys!" screamed Mike. "Lemons hurt!"
"I know! They are disgusting, if your talking about a fanfiction, that is." The author --cough cough- me -cough cough- appeared out of nowhere to teach a very important lesson. "I did? Oh yeah, I did! Ummmm...Errrr... NEVER READ LEMON FANFICTIONS!" And with that, the author -cough cough- me -cough cough- disappeared and the lemon with the altered DNA and MIke NEwton stood there looking at each other strangely. Then she came back and zapped them with her magical stick thingy and they forgot all about her and continued on with whatever they happened to be saying at the time.
"Fear us! Now, come with me. We need to get you suited up-" Mike looked confused to the apparently girl lemon stopped mid sentence to ask him what she had said, still talking in a very manly voice.
"Well, nobody ever told me the meaning of the word up. I don't know what it means..." This comment got him a very long stare from the lemon, who abruptly just continued her sentence, ignoring all the faces Mike made in confusion.
"-for war. Any questions?" Mike, again, seemed confused by the lemon. So, of course, he spoke up like the stupid person he is. Tsk tsk tsk. You think he would have learned by now...
"I already mentioned that we are going into war dumbass!! Now come with me and we shall preparer you for war!!" Mike, still being confused and naive, asked another question.
"Who are we fighting in war?" This time the lemon got irritated and poked him in the eye. Mike asked no more questions and the lemon took him to the super duper place where all of the army stuff was and since Jacob was going into war with lemons, the lemons had to make him an army suit speedy quick.
"What kind of weapon would you like? Milk or ice cream? I suggest the milk, it is funnier to watch the cookies die like that..." One random lemon that was named Mr. Elephanté had said to Jacob. But Mike was confused, of course...
"Um... Sure..." Was all he could manage for his response... Then, out of nowhere THE COOKIE ATTACKED!! They kidnapped poor Mike Newton, for he was not ready... They took him back to their castle, where they kept him prisoner...
-two years later-
"Do you think it is safe to open up the prison chamber now sir"
"Yes, general cookie, I do believe the evil scumbag boy is dead now..."
And with that, Mike Newton had died... Poor him never knew is was actually a plot between the cookies and lemons to kill him...
Okay, that was the first chapter, I will also be adding more oneshots to this, since that was a oneshot and I think it would be amusing to add more oneshost that have nothing to do with this thingy...