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This isn't the time or place to be thinking this Angel can hear his demon howl with laughter as the stray thought crosses his mind. It's definitely not the greatest moment to be angsting; not with Buffy's hands on his backside as she presses up against him, her face hidden in his shirt. It's not the best time to be looking at the muddy-blonde hair and wishing it were a shade lighter, a shade more honey blond. It's definitely not the time to wish that the warm, pliant body pressed against him were cooler, a little larger and feistier. It's not the right time to be thinking about Will, about Spike even.
"Angel." Buffy moans against him as Angel kisses at her neck; the slayer stupidly unworried that he was so close to her jugular. Angel can't help but wish the soft, breathy voice was a tad deeper, more husky and British, then its soft American drawl. He tries to concentrate on the girl in his arms, the girl his demon rages against.
Angel wants to love her, wants to need her and feel for her, as a man should; as any regular guy would. But Angel's not normal; he's a Vampire, the opposite and anti to Buffy-to the Slayer. Angelus know this, knows the wrongness of their match which is why his demon rages and hurls insults at the soul that binds him.
To some degree even Angel knows it, though he tries not to listen. Angel wants the redemption that loving Buffy should bring, wants normality back again even if it's just for a second. Maybe he's slightly masochistic at heart too, wanting to be close to someone who's meant to kill him; whose instincts are as honed as his own are. As Buffy feels wrong to Angelus, she also feels wrong to Angel; but the souled Vampire wants to deny it, tries to push away and hide it from everyone. His only problem is he can't hide it from himself, or Angelus and the demon takes great delight in taunting him with it.
Buffy's pushed against him, so obviously virginal and new at lovemaking that she's unsure why he isn't taking the lead. It's all Angel can do, all his body and Angelus will let him to, to hold her close. Angel wonders briefly if she can feel his distance, his lack of arousal surely so obvious even to a novice? But as he holds her, she merely sighs his name again and now he wonders if she even wants this or if she wants the mystery and danger; the romance rather then anything else.
It's just as well because Angel's mind isn't on Buffy even as she murmurs his name, it's on another blond; a mouthy, feisty vampire by the name of Spike. Even whilst cuddling Buffy close, his minds on Spike and on Will. Angel closes his eyes the image of the panting, debauched younger vampire coming to mind. The way Will looks after a good shagging is a too tempting image; his lips swollen, body slick and soft, his hair mussed…. Neither Angel nor Angelus can deny the effect that image of Will has on them.
Angel and Angelus aren't as apart as they would sometimes like to believe. In the years before he'd been re-ensouled Angelus had been the dominant personality but Angel had still been there; a soul entrapped in his own mind, able only to whisper and watch, much as Angelus is now. Angel had changed slowly over the years as he'd watched Angelus and Darla, accepted all his own faults and cast off the Liam he'd been before. Angel had always opposed and been sickened by Angelus' atrocities but he'd always managed to whisper to the demon, to sometimes pull him from innocent tracks and set his hungers on more unsavoury victims.
When Will came along, that's when their division was truly decided; Angel had wanted the young man from the moment they laid eyes on him and had fallen in love shortly after; Angelus had only wanted and needed, no accepted the concept and emotion of love. Angelus' actions shortly after Will turning had widened their divide to a breech; a gap neither could nor even would bridge.
I'd loved Will and Angelus hated that; not only because he couldn't understand the feeling but because he felt it too.
Strangely Angelus is silent, obviously sensing the deep loathing that now emanates from Angel, and is directed at his demon. The demon that craves and yet reviles Spike in equal intensity to loving him.
Angelus still denies siring Spike, which amuses Angel no end; back Angelus had been furious that Drusilla had taken what they'd had their eye on, had taken the fledgling childe from her the instant Will woke and had used pain to turn the Vampire into Spike. Though Angel had to concede, Angelus hadn't met to turn Will like that, to take the love the young Vampire gave him and smoother it in blood and tears. Ignoring the younger Vampire for days on end, punishing him for every little thing and then fucking his broken body till Will screamed for mercy. Breaking the young Vampire to the point he became Spike and the love Will once had for them turned to hate.
Even Angelus, had loved Will.
Angel can hear the demon muttering and griping but even now he can sense the grudging acceptance at the thought. They weren't so different Angel and Angelus, both two parts of an identical package; Angel reluctantly accepts that even if Angelus howls at the idea.
One part of him is bloodthirsty with no inhibitions; Angelus, who denied and still scorns his own love, and was unable to accept the love of another. Angelus, so deeply afraid and angered by the love he felt, that he turned the love Will had for him away; not only with words but with actions too.
The Gypsy curse should have been Angel's dream come true, should have been the salvation for his and Will's relationship; but his soul was so tormented by Angelus' rages and his own deep guilt that he pushed Will away. Like Angelus, Angel had seen Will as an abomination, something to be destroyed; but not because he loved him, because he'd wanted to see Will as a demon and nothing more. The guilt had fuelled Angel to push Will away, to take pleasure from Darla as he tried to fit in and deny the true love he no longer believed he deserved.
When Will had reinvented himself as Spike, in an effort to get Angel's attention once more, Angel had known it was time to leave. He'd seen the hurt and pain in Spike's eyes as he'd pushed and taunted Angel at every moment. It hurt to keep pushing Spike away but Angel had to do it, to keep them both sane. Spike had been so deeply in love that he was willing to push Angel; to prefer the beatings and pain to nothing at all. Angel had been so desperately in love with Spike, that if he'd stayed Spike would have got his wish and Angel couldn't do that, didn't want that. Until Spike was safe from Angelus, Angel couldn't be near him however much it tore him up inside.
Even a hundred years later, Angel doesn't dare find Spike, doesn't dare go anywhere he's been; not only will it be too much of a temptation and bitter reminder but the hate Spike will have would kill Angel quicker then a stake would.
Soft lips caress his own and instinctively Angel opens his mouth as, for a second, he forgets who's really in his arms. As the warm tongue massages his mouth, Angel breaks off this kiss; he can't do it he has no interest in Buffy; can have no interest in anyone when he's still deeply enamoured with Spike. Buffy's kiss is warm and sweet, it should have been heaven to him and yet Angel can't help wanting the spicy, sweet flavor that is Spike and Spike only. Angel's still now, his hands no longer touching or caressing the Slayer; he can't take pleasure from her when he wants Spike, even if Spike would soon stake him then sleep with him.
As Angel gently pushes Buffy away from him, he realizes how strangely silent Angelus now is; the upset that he feels from the demon is obvious and makes Angel uncomfortable and yet satisfied. Maybe it's cruel and spiteful and maybe it makes Angel darker, more like Angelus, but Angels glad that his demons hurting. Glad that finally Angelus realizes what they've lost and relived that the demon will never have another chance to hurt Spike.
Ignoring Buffy's confused pleas, Angel slips into the night letting shadow surround him and desolate pain sweep through him.