Star Trek

"The City on the Edge of Forever"

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Poor me...

Stardate something or other. The Enterprise is having a hard time steering through massive waves in space while they are orbiting a planet.

"The helm is sluggish, Sir." Sulu frowns and adjusts some dials.

Incidentally, the pretty young woman standing beside Kirk's chair, what is she there for?

Scotty is sitting on one of the work panels, staring over a random ensign's shoulder. "Control circuits threatening to overload, Captain."

Kirk apparently isn't happy about this, because all he says is "Understood, engineer." Ouch.

Another shock waves goes through the ship. "Spock, what's going on?"

"Fascinating, Captain. We are actually going through ripples in time."

Sulu turns to face the captain. "That would be a great name for a rock band, Sir."

The ship, taking advantage of Sulu's distraction, decides to get back at him for calling her helm 'sluggish'. She 'hits' another 'ripple' and sends a massive spray of sparks flying into Sulu's face.

"Aaugh!"

"Sickbay to bridge!"

Scotty smirks and takes Sulu's place. The Redshirts in the background take bets on whether or not Sulu will die before one of them does.

Kirk goes up to speak with Uhura about the crew's gambling problems, ordering her to transmit his logs from the last week to Starfleet Command. He makes sure to hunch his shoulders to keep his head in the shot, since he is just in the background because some stupid producer promised a good close up to the random Redshirt in the front.

McCoy arrives and gasps in shock at Sulu's condition. "My God, Jim! That blast burned nearly all of his blue eyeshadow off!"

Sundry crew members gasp. More Redshirts place bets. The pretty girl in the mini is there holding Sulu's head in her lap. Ahh, that's what she's there for!

"Will he live, Bones?"

"Not sure. Better risk a few drops of cordrazine." He does an eyebrow worthy of Spock and prepares a hypo.

"That's tricky stuff, do you--"

McCoy injects (sprays?) Sulu, silencing any objections.

Sulu blinks. The crew gasps in amazement. Sulu smiles ecstatically, because his blue eyeshadow is now in perfect condition.

McCoy raises his eyebrows. "You were about to make a medical comment, Jim?"

Kirk, knowing his bedtime fun that night depends on his next words, chooses them carefully. "Who, me, Doctor?" McCoy smirks and Kirk sighs with relief.

Redshirts grumpily pass over the money they lost. Uhura smiles smugly and collects her winnings.

Scotty grumbles and refuses to give Sulu back his seat, muttering. "Blue do'n't go wi' his eyes anyhow."

Spock tells Kirk that they are coming up on another ripple. McCoy, whom no one has warned about this, holds a giant hypospray right in front of his stomach. Predictably, the ship rocks and McCoy falls across Scotty, injecting himself.

Scotty screams. "Dear Lord, the Doc'or's commit'ed Hara-kiri!"

Everyone turns to him. "WHAT?"

"HARA-KIRI!" Scotty shouts. "The Doctor's bloomin' killed hisself! Can ye no' SEE? Och, get 'im offa me a'ready!" He shoves the Good Doctor off, onto Sulu, who was still lying on the nurse's lap. 'Resting' ... yeah, that's it.

Sulu gasps. "Oh, Doctor, I didn't know you felt that way!"

Kirk immediately spots this and flies over in a jealous rage. "BONES!"

Spock is the first to translate Scotty's speech. "Look Captain, the hypo, it was set for cordrazine, and it is now empty."

"That's wha' I've been tryin' tae tell ye, ye great lardbucket!"

"Bridge, medical team! –"

McCoy jumps up and does an excellent Home Alone scream. Both Kirk and Spock jump back and stare at him. "Uhh..."

"AUGH! KILLERS! ASSASSINS!" McCoy screams.

Kirk and Spock try to grab him, but he shows off his new ballet moves and throws them off. "ARABESQUE! POINT! TWIRL AND SPOT!" He leaps into the turbo lift (throwing out the just arriving doctor) and escapes.

"DAMN it! Why do we only have one lift on the bridge anyway!" Kirk growls. "I knew I should have put a child lock on that thing!"

The Credits arrive, and then there is a voiceover of Kirk explaining to the more stupid of the viewers what has just happened.

"– and in a strange, wild frenzy McCoy has left the bridge.." (Here my brother put in, 'a strange wild frenzy for whom?')

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

McCoy with crazy red-rimmed eyes sneaks quietly into the transporter room. He smacks the Redshirt present on the butt. The Redshirt, (who is wearing and orange jumpsuit in an attempt to sneak by the Redshirt Statistic Radar) passes out in shock at being hit on by the Captain's boyfriend. McCoy steals the guy's phaser and powers up the transporter with one hand, leaving us to guess what the other hand is doing.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, Kirk is getting frustrated, reiterating the points they've already covered. "McCoy... Crazy.. Injection... loose on ship... Red Alert.. Wild paranoia..."

Spock does his best to convince Kirk that McCoy is gone beyond reason. (His way of saying to the Captain that in case the heating systems suddenly fail during the night, his door will be unlocked.. You know, just in case.)

There is a sudden noise, which Kirk thinks is a wolf whistle directed at him from the audience. Turning his rear to the camera (so the whistler can get a better view), he heads to his chair.

The penguin statue on his chair whistles again. A voice belonging to a short, umbrella-and-cigar-wielding person calls out, "Now here this, now here this –"

Kirk slams his hand down on the button. "Dammit, I don't have TIME for random movie crossovers! Where's the message for me!"

The orange speaker cowers for a moment before continuing. "Ahem. Security team found Redshirt collapsed on floor in Transporter room. Evidence of Transporter use is...evident."

"Captain–" Spock cuts in. "The transporters at that time were focused on the center of the time ripples."

"So.. Wherever McCoy beamed down... the thing making those ripples... would be like, right next to him!"

Spock nods, pleased that 1. He didn't have to repeat himself as much as usual to get the point across, and 2. Kirk is now referring to the CMO as 'McCoy' instead of 'Bones'. However, Spock's inner grin disappears when Kirk decides to go after McCoy.

Oooooooooooooooooooooo

A/N-- so, whadda ya think? this is so fun.. by the way, brownies for anyone who can spot what movie I reference... And for those who don't know, an arabesque (say air-ah-besk) is an actual ballet move, and is actually quite pretty, when it is not a drugged doctor in leather boots doing it...more chapters if y'all like it! please please please review!

Allyp