Why did I write this? Because when you're stuck in a van for days on end, and one of the very few forms of entertainment you have is your brother's 3DS that has a "LEGO Avengers" game, and you read countless Avengers fanfics because there is nothing else to do in the hotel rooms, you write stuff like this. (Don't take it the wrong way; I had a great vacation. :))

Two things I should mention before you get yourself involved into this story. First, there is a few AUish themes here. Mainly the Avengers didn't split up after the first movie, and Coulson didn't die. Second, I will try my best to keep everyone in character, but there will be some OOC moments for humorous scenes. If you're not a fan of either of those things, I suggest you don't read this fic, and look for something that suits you better.

With that out of the way, I hope you get some laughs out of... whatever this little abomination is.

{S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier} {[Location retracted]} {Sunday, 21:45}

"Interdimensional invasions?"

"No, sir."

"H.Y.D.R.A.?"

"Nope."

"Political scandals?"

"Not even the devil himself would be brave enough to deal with that."

A long pause dwelled between an anxious director and a deadpan looking agent. The agent wore a bored, irritated gaze, and was only moments away from returning to the computer screen he was typing his reports on. The moment would have been dead silent, if they weren't on the main deck, where spurts of speech and electronic noises could be heard every now and then.

"…A kitten stuck on a tree branch?" The agent gave an annoyed sigh, nearly slamming his face onto the keyboard.

"No, sir. There hasn't been any sign of global distress for the past twenty-four hours. And according to our charts, there shouldn't be any for the upcoming week." Nick Fury slammed his hands on the railing he had been leaning over above the agent.

"Aw come on! There has to be something! The last thing I need is the Avengers dealing with seven days of boredom!"

"Sorry, Director Fury." The agent's voice sounded anything but sorry, and Fury groaned miserably while hiding his face in his gloved hands. It was going to be a long week, and he was unprepared for what he would have to be dealing with. Maybe a cup of coffee mixed with liquor would be enough for tomorrow.

Like a loud sneeze in a quiet room, Agent Coulson kicked open the doors. Since they were automatic sliding doors, it remains a mystery as to how he managed to pull it off. His suit was slightly disheveled, and his face was filled with panic, but he looked polished overall.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY POKÉMON TRADING CARDS?!"

"Nobody cares about your stupid Pokémon cards, Coulson." Commander Hill, who was sitting on the captain's seat, looked up from her copy of War of the Worlds. Coulson, in response, crossed his arms.

"You're just saying that because you can't understand the concept of Pokémon."

"That, and those games support racism, Nazism, and animal cruelty." Coulson was seething from where he stood.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TRASH ABOUT POKÉMON!"

"ENOUGH YOU TWO!" Fury interrupted, causing Coulson and Hill to freeze where they stood, eyes wide of fear as to what the director would do if they didn't. "I'm already dealing with six five-year-olds, and I don't need two more!"

"Understood, Director Fury," said Hill in a professional manner, and continued reading her book. Coulson, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"What five-year-olds?"

"Oh, the ones that live in Avenger's Tower." Fury, after giving a weary sigh, walked off the platform to the conference table that had the coffee he needed.

"You mean the Avengers?"

"Yeah, those five-year-olds. You want a cup, Coulson?"

"No thanks. Caffeine and I don't mix very well." With a grunt, Fury slumped into one of the conference chairs, cup of coffee at hand. It was a smidge too cold, much to his displeasure. "So… what's the big deal about them?"

"They get restless," Fury simply stated. "If they're not stopping havoc, they create it themselves. An Avenger just isn't programmed to act… 'normal'."

"What about Stark? He's a billionaire-playboy-philanthropist, not to mention the man who made Stark Industries one of the most valuable companies on the planet."

"Pre-Iron Man." Fury reminded Coulson. "Now with Miss Potts as the new CEO, she's responsible for 72% of Stark's wealth."

"True, but he also attends press conferences and business meetings."

"And who is always with him whenever he is at those conferences and meetings?" Coulson had to think for a moment before he could give his response.

"…Miss Potts?"

"Yeeeup." Fury took a sip of coffee, and immediately regretted it.

"Well, there has to be a reason why he's the co-leader of the Avengers."

"Were you not on the Helicarrier when he was helping Dr. Banner locate the Tesseract?!"

"I did say he was a co-leader." Fury pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You know Coulson, I didn't want to ruin your image of him, but Rogers can be a trouble-maker himself." Coulson's face fell.

"WHAT?! BUT- HE- eh…" As Coulson's tongue failed to form sentences, Fury took another sip from the coffee mug. For some strange reason, the taste wasn't as bad as last time. His taste buds must have been paralyzed from the last sip. "H-HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!"

"Well, he is a man out of his time. There's going to be a lot of things he's not going to agree with. Politics, religion, the Great Pumpkin…"

"HE FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR TWO FOR PETE'S SAKE!"

"He once posted a rant on Tumblr about how people should save the food on their plates for leftovers instead of throwing it away!" Coulson face then morphed from complete disappointment, to great confusion.

"Rogers is on Tumblr?"

"Our sources say Stark helped him get a blog on there."

"Why am I not following him? I-Never mind that! What about Dr. Banner?" Fury's stare gave all the reasons Coulson needed. "What about Agent Romanoff?"

"May I remind you that Agent Barton is an Avenger as well?" Memories of the mischief those two caused on S.H.I.E.L.D. property came back to Coulson.

"Oh yeah…" Coulson was running out of Avengers to defend. "There's always Thor!"

"Thor. The Norse god of thunder who hails from a dimension of demigods. The super hero who hasn't even been on Earth for a full year. That Thor." The silence that followed was the seal on Fury's argument. But Coulson wasn't going to give up.

"Well… I-I don't believe it! They can't be that troublesome!" Fury raised an eyebrow in interest.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. A-And I can prove that you're just exaggerating!"

"What is it you're trying to tell me, Coulson?"

"What did you have planned this week, Fury?" The director knew where this was going, and he wasn't going to waste this opportunity.

"I was going to keep an eye on the Avengers to make sure they don't kill themselves, or at least the UPS delivery man."

"Not anymore! I, the Great Phil Coulson, will watch the Avengers for the entire week!" Mocking laughter could be heard somewhere in the room, but no one could pinpoint who it came from.

"Tell you what, Coulson. If you manage to keep Stark, Rogers, Banner, Romanoff, Barton, and Thor under control, I'll take you to that ice cream shop outside of New York City." Coulson's eyes lit up like a little boy on Christmas morning.

"You mean that one that sells cones that hold a gallon?!"

"Yep."

"AAAND has chocolate-celery stick flavored ice cream?!" Hill stuck out her tongue in disgust as she kept her eyes glued to her book.

"Yes, Coulson. That ice cream shop. However, if you don't make it, you'll have to do one difficult task."

"And what is that?"

"Clean your MOTHERSCREWING DESK! I just saw it this afternoon, and for heaven's sake, Coulson! It's no wonder you keep misplacing your trading cards!"

"Deal!"

"Oh, and Coulson?"

"Yes Fury?"

"Your Pokémon cards are in the break room."

"Thanks." And with that, Coulson walked out of the room, proud in himself. Fury, meanwhile, watched the cocky agent, sipping his ice cold coffee and grinning almost evilly.

There was no way he was going to survive.