Disclaimer: I didn't invent the light bulb. I didn't discover the structure of DNA. I haven't written a Grammy-winning, internationally-known song. And unfortunately I don't own Harry Potter, either.
***
For Calculus, because you haven't caused me to fail...yet.
***
Again?! Lily thought to herself as she exasperatedly regarded the suits of armor that had, once again, been bewitched to bear not merely their usual sparkling silver suits, but knickers, as well. Rather effeminate knickers. Rather effeminate knickers bearing rather lewd, randy phrases.
"I swear," she muttered to herself as she began to charm the knickers off and clean the suits of armor. "When I figure out who has been doing this, I will hex them into painful oblivion. And it's quite possible that I will enjoy it immensely." This was the third time this week – and coincidentally the fourth week in a row – that she had encountered the rudely-dressed decorations on her patrols, and they were rather beginning to bother her. The person behind the prank was quite cunning: they attacked a different part of the castle every time they chose to play dress up with the rusty old things. She followed the trail of besmirched statues around the corner, sighing in preparation of more cleaning charms, and stopped short.
His back was to her, and he was charming something that made her blush onto a pair of revealing, shockingly purple knickers. He snickered to himself and made to move on to the next suit of armor when she cleared her throat. He froze, then turned to her, smiling winningly when he saw who it was.
"Lily," he started, his tone casual and cheerful as he stuck his hands in his pockets. "And what brings you here this fine evening?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, you know, the usual: hormonal fifth years hiding in broom closets, Peeves wreaking havoc, Slughorn being paranoid about the hormonal fifth years hiding in broom closets, lewdly-dressed suits of armor…" The other eyebrow shot up as the purple-knickered statue started wolf-whistling at her. Sirius grinned slyly at it.
"Rather charming, aren't they?"
"Indeed." She sighed. "You know, it's quite unfortunate, Sirius."
"Oh? What is, Lils?"
"I suspected it was you, but I'd rather hoped it wasn't."
"And why's that?"
"Well, you see, I just finished swearing to myself that whoever was behind this," she gestured to the statue that was making odd and incredibly disturbing pelvic thrusts in her direction, "was going to be hexed into a painful oblivion. And since it is you, I'm going to have to hex you into painful oblivion. I'd have hoped that I wouldn't have to do that."
"And why would you have hoped that, Petal?"
She sighed, twirling her wand. "Marlene will be quite angry at me. And Remus will be disappointed. And Gryffindor will be down a beater, and I really want us to win the Quidditch Cup." She sighed. "And James will miss you, which would make him sad." Sirius' face had suddenly split into a grin so wide that she stopped speaking, disconcerted, although she'd been about to continue her list with the reasons that Dumbledore would know that she had done it with that obnoxious and astounding clairvoyant vision of his, and that she herself would probably miss him and his cocky smirk and his joyful grin and his stupid jokes and his faithful loyalty to those he loved. But, alas, she'd sworn to herself. There was nothing for it.
"So," he said, ignoring her curious look. "James would be sad, hmm? Interesting that that would make it onto your List of Unfortunate Reasons." Her look turned stricken.
"It – It means nothing," she spluttered, her arms dropping from their teasing pose. "It's simply because he has to be happy so that he can deal with the prefects because they're whiny, yippy little blighters and I don't want to do it and if he's not happy they won't put up with him and they'll come to me instead and I'd be driven absolutely out of my mind – "
"Lily," Sirius cut her off, grinning. "There are three reasons I like you as much as I do: one, you're absolute rubbish at lying. It makes for some very entertaining situations, mind." She opened her mouth to curse at him but he pressed on, flashing her another jaunty grin. "Two, you babble. Quite a lot. Again, rather entertaining. And three, you wear your heart on your sleeve." His tone became speculative. "I can't tell you how endearing that trait is, after growing up with my family." He sneered for a moment, turning to the lewd suit of armor, but then his face softened. "You've got a big heart, Lily."
She wasn't quite sure how to reply – what did one say to something like that? – so she bit her lip worriedly instead. "You're not cruel," he continued, either taking no notice of her discomfort or ignoring it entirely. "You never have been, even all those times you've found us out when we were causing trouble, or all those times James has repeatedly made a fool of himself over you. You've been detached, and, reproachful, and brutally honest, and scolding, and angry, and lots of other…not necessarily pleasant things…but never cruel." He turned to her. "Sorry if I'm scaring you. Being too, well…serious." He barked a laugh. "But I didn't understand, at first, why he even gave a damn about you. Because, to be honest, I never did. And then I figured it out, last year…you're a good person." His lips quirked in his signature smile, but there was something softer about it now, almost as though she'd passed some unknown test. "And because I know that, I know that you won't hurt him."
"What?!" she spluttered. "There is no "him"! At least, there is no "him" in any way that could possibly be connected with me, and that's the way it will stay, thank you very much. Because we all know that he and I are oil and water, and simply because we're getting along for Head Duties does not mean that our relationship has changed in any way, thanks. And I have no clue what could possibly have given you that idea, because it's absolutely and utterly and completely insane, and I'm booking you a bed at St. Mungos right now, because everyone knows that about us…not that there is an "us"…and if you don't know that then you're utterly mad and besides, he doesn't even like me like that anymore, and oh, bugger." She promptly threw her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide and fearful, trying her hardest not to notice Sirius' gleeful expression. "Bugger, bugger, bugger." It came out slightly muffled, of course, but the intent of her indistinct curses was still clear. With one last stricken glance at her sneakily grinning companion, she turned and retreated back to Gryffindor Tower as quickly as she could.
***
The next three weeks consisted of Sirius taking every available opportunity to remind Lily of that night and inform her of exactly why she should declare herself to James. They also consisted of Lily hexing him every time he did so, which James (although clueless to the reason for her attacks) thought was a rather entertaining and fortunate change of pace.
Of course, when he found out the truth behind the whole situation, he laughed uproariously for five minutes straight. After which he promptly stood, walked across the Common Room, and asked Lily to Hogsmeade in front of everyone. She glared at Sirius darkly enough that, if not burned to a crisp, he should have at least been scorched, but accepted, nonetheless.
***
It's so weird, I know, but it just randomly popped into my brain one day. I happen to be rather fond of Marauder/Lily friendship stories, so…yeah. Sorry if it was just too odd. It is a bi-product of my brain, so unfortunately the oddity is pretty unavoidable.