Helpless.
She did not know what to do. He had been in hospital for days now and nothing had hanged. He still hadn't regained his memory and she had no idea how to help him. Of course, since she had not even been in the right mindset to even go visit him, there had actually been zero opportunity for her to even try and help.
What was she afraid of? He might have been her boss, but after all that had happened, there was a big possibility for him to consider her as just as much of a friend as she considered him. Why would she not just go and see him?
Of course, he had his own support system set up, probably. He did not need her help, right? Why would he? The amazing person that he is, he probably had people lining up outside his hospital room, waiting to help, waiting to just do something – anything.
But what if? What if he did need just one more person to stand by his side right now? What if he needed just the tiniest bit more help? What if he needed her?
Was it selfish to even think that? Why would he actually need her help above all? It was not as if she had any kind of special powers. All she had was memories she shared with him - conversations they had had – bad situations they had mastered together in a way. But what if he did not feel the same way about their relationship that she did? What if he did not read quite as much into those memories, conversations, situations, as she did? What if he just saw her as a random colleague, who would actually never become a real friend to him?
She would not be of any help – no matter what. Probably. Likely.
But any little bit of help might be appreciated, right? Maybe? Or maybe it would just be awkward? Damn, she was a grown up – a Mossad Officer – an unemotional being. She was not supposed to even feel awkwardness. If she wanted to go visit him, she could. She should. Maybe not, though.
Why was this so hard to figure out? Again – she was a damn grown up! Why could she not just go there, see him, and make sure he knew that she would be there, if he needed her? It could not be that hard! Even if it were awkward, the end result would still be him knowing that he had her in his corner. He would know that he had backup. He would know that he could count on her. He would know that she worried just as much as the others, if not more. He would know that he meant something to her. He would know that... He would know that she cared. Even if it did not help him, really – he would know where to turn, when he needed help.
She just had to do something about it. She had to go see him. Maybe. Probably. Or maybe not.
Would he even want her there? Maybe he was embarrassed. What would he have to be embarrassed about? He was Leroy Jethro Gibbs – he was her boss, her mentor, her friend.
Or maybe it would be inappropriate for her to go see him. After all, he was her boss. Some form of professional distance had be be kept at all times. Of course she thought of him as a friend, but he might not feel the same way – he might deem it inappropriate for her to visit him right now. Employees are supposed to care, of course, but to what extend? Would she overstep boundaries, if she did go? And of course, what if he expected someone to care enough to drop by? What if he expected her to be that person? Had anyone else gone to see him? Would she be the only one?
So many questions, such little answers. What was she supposed to do?
Crying in front of a mirror, clouded by the steam of the hot water she tried to wash away the tears with – that, yes, that was probably the least helpful she had ever been in any situation. But she felt helpless. She did not have any answers. What was she to do?
The most pressing question on her mind remained. How could this even happen? He deserved all the happiness in the world and none of the crap he had to go through now. He was going through one of the worst times of his life and she had no idea how to help. It was selfish, but she felt horrible for being who she was. She felt horrible for not being more helpful and she felt horrible for overthinking every bit of this – which had never once been helpful, but her instincts in situations like that were even worse than anything she ever came up with after overthinking shit.
There was no solution to this. She had to accept that. Maybe she would change her mind. Maybe. But for now, she was helpless. She only hoped he was not.
The End
A/N: So, my boss is in the hospital and I literally can't deal right now. I don't even know what is actually going on with her, but I've been told she's worse off than the supervisor of mine, who was in a car accident two weeks ago, so I'm worried as hell. Anyhow. Remember that scene where Ziva is standing in the bathroom just crying about how the others judged her for not going to see Gibbs? I'm not exactly in the same situation, since I'm basically judging myself for that and nobody else seems to even care, but the struggle around the whole thing is basically somewhat the same?! I don't even know anymore. I've lost faith in the universe at this point, because she's literally the best person I know and I'm just here worrying and wondering if I should/could do anything to help her.
What I'm saying is – I don't usually like to revisit this particular Zibbs-y episode, but I couldn't help but see the parallels. So, here's a Hiatus-centric one-shot with a whole lot of questions and zero answers and a lot of sadness and confusion.
I'm done. If you read this, review? And maybe you have some answers. Of course Ziva went to see him, but they do actually have a closer relationship than I ever had with my boss, so... Ugh, I don't know... just... what would you do?