Issue 24:
Marquees and Man-Made Monsters
"So I told the rental car company it had two flat tires when I picked it up and the bullet holes were there too. Either way I took out the extra insurance so there wasn't much they could do. I wish I could have seen that kid's face when he finally popped the trunk." The table erupted with laughter and Bronze Tiger spilled half his beer on himself due to a series of fits.
The Stacked Deck was busy for a Wednesday night and a group of plain clothed villains shared a table near the back sharing stories. Babydoll needed a booster seat which obviously the bar didn't have so she sat on a few phone books and knocked back shots with the rest of them. Biting into a boisterously smelling cigar Scarface sat on Arnold's lap who served as designated driver for his boss and anyone else who needed a lift.
"Did I ever tell you about the time I caught termites from this broad with an act in Vegas?" the puppet fished for interest.
"Absolutely not!" Babydoll yelled, "Nobody wants to hear about that rotting knot!"
"How does that even work anyway?" Magpie slurred curiously just drunk enough to ask. She was already three sheets to the wind.
"Thankfully it's retractable," Scarface explained looking at her from the corner of his eye. A collective groan rose up from the table and Dr. Aesop braved the treacherous obstacle ridden gauntlet to the bar for another round.
"Like an X-rated Pinocchio," Film Freak commented contentedly.
"So who's next? Anybody got a good one?" Cluemaster hopefully wondered looking around the table.
"You've heard all mine," Babydoll resigned.
"I'm too messed up," Magpie admitted.
"I have one though technically I'm not supposed to talk about it," Film Freak stated. This only incited the crowd more.
"Come on Burt. Before Aesop comes back and tells us about the Depression," Cluemaster prompted quickly joined by the rest, "What's it about?"
"Well, it's a story about friendship and loveable losers facing insurmountable odds putting their very lives at risk. It's a heartwarming tale of bravery and righteous fury sure to move the hearts of even the coldest souls," Film Freak promised grandiosely.
"Just tell the damn story, Burt," Babydoll insisted slamming her brandy.
"Fine, we begin a few weeks back before the attack on the warehouse."
Scene One:
Setting-
Penguin's warehouse chock to the brim with every weirdo and criminal Gotham has left. Lots of activity is occurring this night as teams begin meeting up and receiving personal assignments in their war on SECURE. The building is massive, well lit, and protected by a rotating string of heavy hitters.
Players-
Film Freak- (Burt Weston) our dashing hero both handsome and well loved, friend to any and all cinema aficionados, enemy to all things trite
Condiment King- (Mitchell Mayo) a well-meaning chap, lanky and eager with a certain penchant for dressing
Firefly- (Garfield Lynns) a high tech pyromaniac who doesn't have much to say
Action-
Burt Weston stands in the long, winding line for new equipment at the warehouse with his friend and newly assigned partner Mitchell Mayo.
Burt-
I watched this horror flick last night called Late Phases, I think. About a blind old veteran who moves into a retirement community that's experiencing grisly murders. Cops say it's just some wild animal cause they're in Florida maybe. It's a bunch of old people so you know nobody really cares. Anyway one night it breaks into his house and it's a werewolf!
Luckily he's got this badass guide dog, a German Shepard who fights it off but dies in the process. Sad shit. Of course the cops don't believe him so he has to hunt this thing himself. Gets some silver bullets and goes geriatric Rambo. It's cool.
Mitch-
Don't ruin it for me!
Burt-
Okay, okay. Anyway it got me thinking about the meaning behind it.
Mitch-
So it wasn't just a typical horror flick?
Burt-
What? No movie is just a typical whatever unless you let it. Come on man. Obviously on the most basic level the werewolf represents death by old age. The loneliness and fear of knowing death is coming for you and whether you choose to fight it or go gently into that good night. Then I started thing about it a little more meta than that. What if we're the werewolves? The ones who hunt and feed on the character's suffering. Same with vampires.
Mitch-
Like within the story? I don't get you.
Burt-
No I'm talking about the physical act of consuming entertainment. We find a book or show we love with characters we appreciate and then watch them go through the most horrible shit. And it's completely accepted by mainstream society.
Now I know the response you or anyone would give. They're not real characters. They're figments of someone's imagination but they don't know that. Imagine if it was you in someone else's story. How pissed would you be?
Mitch-
I think you're too deep in all of this.
Burt-
Oh I freely admit that. I'm so deep in it I don't know which way is up anymore. When I'm into a movie I freak out when it gets to the end. I'm like okay guys starting wrapping it up, bring it together. Two reasons for that.
One, I'm going to have to find something else and it won't be satisfying in this particular way. I mean nothing compares to watching a movie you love for the first time. Second, endings are hard. They get messed up badly sometimes. More often than people think. Too often a screenwriter will shoehorn an ending in because it's what they want to see happen.
But sometimes that ending doesn't fit within the contextual honesty of the story as it is presented. The end doesn't have to fit within the truth of the real world, whatever the hell that is, but it must match the conditions of the narrative that encompasses it. Nothing pisses me off more than some ending a movie hasn't justified. Don't get me started on forced love storylines.
Mitch-
I like movies with endings I thought were impossible or ones that do something I didn't really expect.
Burt-
You're everything that's wrong with modern cinema. Just entertain me, durr. I'll pay for a fifth sequel. Whether you choose to recognize it or not there are certain rules that cannot be broken no matter what. It's a crime against the popcorn industry.
Mitch-
You remember they put you in the asylum for this kind of stuff.
Burt-
And they put you there for ketchup. Do you really want to discuss past choices we made?
Mitch-
Fair enough.
Action-
They finally reach the front of the line pausing the conversation to get equipped with Militia certified equipment. A silly montage runs as they try on various gear shaking their heads at each other until they land on the perfect weapons and outfits. The pair then treks towards the entrance of the warehouse to wait on their third partner.
Burt-
You ever see a movie called Adaptation?
Mitch -
Never heard of it.
Burt-
I'm not a huge Nick Cage fan but it's one of my favorites. So there's these two twins, one is real sour and disillusioned with the world. He's a screenwriter. His brother is a loving, free spirited person that irritates the hell out of the writer. See his brother isn't a real deep thinker.
The current script isn't going well for this guy. His story is apparently boring and slow. We see this guy depressed living his boring life, similar to his failing story. The brother asks if he can help but of course the writer turns him away because he thinks he's an idiot. On a whim the dimwitted brother decides to write a script of his own. He churns out this pile of crap about a serial killer, real low brow stuff, but he ends up selling it. Not only that it becomes popular!
The writer is stunned and this only deepens his lament of public opinion and pop culture. Finally in his desperation he asks his brother to help him with his own story. Being the good hearted person he is, the brother agrees. Then, get this, the movie itself changes and it gets crazy. Car chases, criminals, money, guns, and danger. There's a real emotional scene at the end involving brotherly love.
Not sure what happens with his script he's writing, but the writer ends up moving on and feeling better about his life. If I'm remembering all this correctly…I need to watch it again. Anyway it's a fantastic concept. Great performances too!
Mitch-
But what's it all mean?
Burt-
Obviously it means we all write the scripts to our own lives. Or it's just a great movie. Can't a movie be great without picking it apart like some corpse in the desert?
Mitch-
Why do I even engage? (Said to the side)
[Enter Garfield Lynns, the pyromaniac known as Firefly]
Burt-
Garfield, how you doing bud?
Garfield-
…
Burt-
Yeah, good to see you too. How's the family?
Garfield-
…
Burt-
Wow your mom has been in that cult in Iowa for like fifteen years now.
Garfield-
…
Burt-
Yep, my mom and dad are still in Arizona- (Mitch cuts him off)
Mitch-
Is this gonna be awhile because I need to take a leak.
Burt-
No I'm done.
Action-
Suddenly the lights in the warehouse go out and an alarm begins to sound.
(Fade to black)
Scene Two:
Setting-
A nearly pitch black cell with no door. Water drips in a corner creating a small mud hole. The cell contains no toilet, no bed, and no furniture or amenities of any kind.
Players-
The monster created by man locked away to rot until the end of time.
Action-
The monsters stands alone with her back to a corner of the dirt lined cell. She doesn't speak instead only thinks to herself. The voice in her head, her own voice, is smooth, gentle, but tinted with fear.
Monster- (Internal stream of thought)
No way to measure time. No way to tell how long I've been locked away. So weak and hungry turning rail thin. Once the world was beautiful. It was open and full of opportunity. Now it's dark and cold. The isolation I once sought fulfilled by my enemies.
Dutifully I tried to live in peace with the world and the people in it. I tried to be one of them but it brings me nothing but pain. There's no more light, no more hope for a world that refuses to change. A world that can't see past its nose. Hell is other people who control and conquer, people who live underneath the shadow of their own shortcomings and fears.
Action-
She approaches the water leak to sate her thirst cupping her hands to her mouth. Though cold the water tastes metallic like it travelled through miles of galvanized pipes to reach her cell. Purposelessly she scrubs the smudges of dirt from her face and arms only to return to the opposite corner of her cell where she curls up in the corner to wait for nothing.
Monster- (Internal stream of thought)
I promise if I ever make it out I'll never hold back again. I'll never be bound by tenets of morality that can't account for monsters like me. I'll never limit myself for the benefit of people who don't care about anything but their own comfort. I'll give them the beast they fear and attempt to lock away from their fragile constitutions.
No one knows what I've hidden, the power I choose to withhold from their scrutinizing eyes. The truth is I was scared of what they'd think and do if they knew. Now I know living peacefully side by side with them isn't possible. They should fear what they don't understand because it will destroy them. I'll destroy everything they foolishly try to keep safe and pure. I'll destroy everything.
Action-
She removes her treasure from a mound of dirt where she squirrels it away. She holds the small secret in her hands praying someday it will rise strong and vast to raze the earth above her. What she holds in her hand is the antithesis to conformity and stagnation, the enemy of those who wield power, and the antidote to a poisonous status quo. In her trembling hands the monster holds potential.
(Fade to black)
Scene Three:
Setting-
Appledee's, a failing chain restaurant in Gotham where no one ever really wants to be seen. The perfect place for a clandestine meeting for a small subset of Gotham's Militia.
Players-
Film Freak, our leading man and student of the philosophy of story
Condiment King, unimpressed at the cheap restaurant's selection of toppings
Firefly…
Robin, unofficial leader of Gotham's Militia and son of the original Batman
Batman, a killer clown in tights
Action-
Burt, Mitch, and Garfield sit at a table by the window in the nearly empty restaurant waiting on their comrades to arrive. Burt and Mitch play a familiar game to pass the time.
Burt-
What we have here is failure to communicate.
Mitch-
Cool Hand Luke
Burt-
They call me Mister Tibbs.
Mitch-
In the Heat of the Night
Burt-
A boy's best friend is his mother.
Mitch-
Psycho.
Burt-
Sal, Wyoming's not a country.
Mitch -
Dog Day Afternoon. Come on Burt, I'm not an amateur. Give me some tough ones!
Burt-
Okay…we begin to recognize in them a strange obsession. After all they are emotionally inexperienced with only a few years in which to store up the experiences which you and I take for granted. If we gift them with a past we create a cushion or a pillow for their emotions, and consequently we can control them better.
Action-
The waitress arrives to take their drink orders and Burt informs her they have two more coming. Mitch stacks coffee creamers in a wobbly pyramid while thinking about Burt's last quote. Garfield stares out the slits in the dusty blinds over the window.
Burt-
So?
Mitch-
I'm thinking. Give me a second. Oh! Blade Runner.
Burt-
Okay last one. I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I still don't know.
Mitch- (laughs but shakes his head)
I have no idea.
Garfield-
Animal Crackers
Action-
Both men gaze at their normally silent partner in amazement.
Burt-
Garfield finally speaks and as it turns out he's a Marx brothers fan. I'd never have guessed. So what else do you like to watch?
Action-
Garfield stares at him with no indication of answering the question.
Burt-
And we breathlessly await the sequel. I think our friends are running late. Maybe we should go ahead and order.
Action-
They call over the waitress who writes down what they want. Garfield merely points to the broiled tilapia. She makes it a point not to glance at his horribly disfigured face.
Burt-
Well, do you want to go over the plan one more time?
Mitch-
No man, every time you wind up walking us through The Great Train Escape or Robbery, whatever. Can't we talk about something other than movies?
Burt-
Well what do you want to talk about?
Mitch-
Have you tried that new Sriracha stuff yet?
[Enter Batman and Robin in full costume arguing as usual]
Robin-
You can't ride a horse through the city. End of discussion
Batman-
What about the Batman gang idea? And we'll give them all face tattoos.
(Cue prerecorded laugh track)
Action-
They greet the others and sit down at the table. The waitress brings two waters over ready to take their order. Batman studies the menu intently.
Batman-
I'm going to get a Hawaiian Fruity Punchout. Does that come with a paper umbrella?
Waitress-
Sure I guess.
Batman-
Robin, they have a prime rib special. If we both get it we get an appetizer to share and it's only $15.99 each. Do you want to split it?
(Cue prerecorded laugh track)
Robin-
What? No! We're here to sign off on the plan.
Nothing for us, thanks. (Said to the waitress)
Action-
Burt hands Robin a file. When he opens it he sees a cover page proclaiming "The Sting", a movie poster with pictures of Burt, Mitch, and Garfield shopped in under the title. Robin discovers his alias listed in fine print with a producer credit.
(Cue prerecorded laugh track)
Robin-
Did- did you make this? (Looking at Burt)
Burt-
I took a few courses in graphic design.
Action-
They discuss the plan and decide where the necessary equipment should be stashed. Wrapping things up Robin thanks them for the help but Batman isn't satisfied.
Batman-
Robin, it's supposed to be our dinner break. Can't we get something?
Robin-
We will, just not here. Look at this place. What kind of desperate losers would actually eat here?
Action-
The waitress brings their meals to the table as Robin stares in shock. Burt and Mitch look anywhere but at the table clearly embarrassed. Only Batman and Garfield stare at the kid.
(Cue prerecorded laugh track)
Batman-
Does your foot taste as smug as the rest of you?
(Cue prerecorded laugh track and fade to black)
Scene Four:
Setting-
Down in a hole, the empty cell hidden, the poorly buried secret of humankind
Players-
The monster, an absolutely gorgeous reckoning
Monster-
(singing in a high but cracking voice)
The sun will come up tomorrow bet your bottom dollar-
Action-
Frantically she realizes her treasure isn't secure in her hand anymore. On her elbows and knees she runs her hands across the floor searching for her only remaining connection to a world that doesn't want her.
Monster-
Please no, don't let it be gone. Please.
Action-
Suddenly she hears muffled explosions above her head mixed with a sizzling sound that grows in intensity. Soon a beam of light like a laser breaks through the ceiling of the cell and turns white illuminating the shadows with a blinding fury. She sees her treasure and snatches it up greedily. She feels the potential in it building, calling. The treasure cracks in her hand and gloriously she rises.
Scene Five:
Setting-
Outside a SECURE compound miles from Gotham, the facility is two hundred yards long of grassy field capped by two large buildings on either end.
Players-
Film Freak, Condiment King, Firefly, The Monster, SECURE troops
Burt-
I'm all set here. (Speaking into comm device) Looks like Firefly is almost ready. How about you buddy?
Mitch-
Condiment King is locked and loaded.
Action-
Film Freak watches Firefly circling over the compound releasing seeds of ever kind sprinkled evenly across the field. Film Freak plants a transceiver in the ground and activates it. The device begins broadcasting false SECURE emergency codes across every frequency. It also hijacks any outgoing requests for assistance.
Inside the facility alarms ring out signaling attacks on SECURE bases around the world. Utter chaos spreads through the base as Condiment King closes on the main building with guns dripping.
Burt-
War of the Worlds, baby.
Action-
Film Freak sprints down the hill meeting Firefly who lands at the designated spot. Film Freak removes a thermal scanner, another piece of Calculator tech, and marks the spot on the ground. From the main building they hear shouting and shots fired. (Cut to Condiment King)
Condiment King stands before the main entrance as troops pour out the doors. He raises a gun and splatters the stairs with ketchup that has the viscosity of oil. Multiple rows of troops slip and crash towards the ground. Next he drops a few mustard tear gas canisters to mask his movements. The troops still vertical begin firing wildly into the smoke coughing and choking.
Stealthily he flanks the door and approaches from the side of the building firing a wave of wasabi adhesive modified to melt inorganic materials. Soon the group of soldiers is blinded and stripped of their armor and weapons defenseless before their comical nemesis. He raises the comm device on his arm to report. (Cut to Film Freak)
Mitch-
Diversion is a success. Maltese Falcon is go.
Burt-
Copy that King. Firefly is about to breach. I've got multiple hostiles incoming from the opposite building. Moving to engage, fall back into the tree line and regroup.
Action-
From the other building another group of soldiers sprints across the field towards them guns drawn. Firefly blasts into the air as Film Freak turns to face them.
Burt-
I'm yer huckleberry.
Action-
Film Freak draws two sonic pistols and fires two simultaneous blasts that rip divots four feet wide across the ground as they tear through the enemy line. From above Firefly drops a column of altered napalm that forms a wall of fire against the incoming squad. Film Freak continues to shoot blindly across the flames as Firefly unstraps another weapon from the Militia's tech department.
In his hands he holds a replicated light cannon from Dr. Light's misappropriated schematics. Perpendicular to the point Film Freak marked on the ground he fires a thin laser that bores into the ground until the gun chirps at him signaling the proper depth has been reached. Then he turns a switch and the light becomes a fluorescent beam penetrating the darkness of the underground.
From below his feet Film Freak feels the ground rumble then rock so hard he is thrown wide. Turning over to look behind he sees a small sapling sprouted in the middle of the empty field with a single green leaf crowning its top. The buds on it seem to pulse ominously. Firefly rises higher into the air and turns the light cannon onto a broad wave diffraction covering the entire field with blinding brilliance. (Cut to Condiment King)
Condiment King now stands on the hill next to Calculator's transceiver watching the scene play out below him. The sky is lit up and even from the hill he can hear the light cannon buzzing. The entire field appears liquid rolling and cresting like jostled water. Suddenly a sound rings out like a thousand logs being split at once and a massive oak tree erupts in the middle of the field.
Mitch-
Film Freak, the target is loose. You need to fall back right now. You're in the middle of the fire zone. Do you read me? Burt! (Cut to Film Freak)
Action-
Film Freak lies near the base of the massive oak tree gazing as high as his neck can crane. About twenty feet up he sees the imprint of a woman around which the tree has instantly grown. Her face is inset into the trunk but when she opens her mouth to scream the sound ejected is the sound of tectonic plates consuming each other. Poison Ivy opens her eyes and all hell erupts around her. Film Freak turns tail and heads for the hill.
The ground heaves shuddering as SECURE troops attempt to close in on the giant tree. Firefly maintains the light generator from above as plants of every type and variety sprout instantaneously. Film Freak sprints across the field as evergreens shoot up around him lifting soldiers in their branches like babies only to drop them again sixty feet from the ground. Bramble bushes engulf them like razor wire shredding their armor and flesh like thin cotton.
All around troops are screaming now. Patches of sunflowers burst through a man's chest and sprout happily coated in his blood. Thick vines snake along the ground with a tensile strength that can snap necks and limbs. All around them the deadly forest rises and even after the soldiers are dead, after Firefly turns off the light cannon it grows. Unsatisfied with the temporary carnage the forest reaches underneath with massive root conglomerates.
Both buildings collapse under the new foundational weakness and fall to rubble in a matter of seconds. During all this Burt now caught in a jumble of poison oak struggles to escape. A fresh, green vine springs out and catches him by the ankles dragging him back and lifting him upside down toward her woody face in the tree.
Pam-
(Her voice is sharp, deep, and seems to come from everywhere at once)
Little man. Little man who comes to disturb the tree of life. You seek to free Nature? A power only man could delude himself into thinking he could contain. Who are you?
Burt-
I'm no one. We j-just wanted to help you.
Pam-
Yes, you sowed the fates of these men who buried us unwarranted. The plants tell me. There is power you cannot fathom here.
Action-
Pam slows down and her voice begins to change. She feels it and not just the voices of the newly sprung forest but the connection of plant life travelling across the entire continent. So vast seemingly infinite to a single person Pam forces herself to pull back from the endless murmuring before she is lost in the soothing green forever. For the first time she sees Burt through her own eyes.
Pam-
(Her voice back to normal now)
Who are you?
Burt-
I'm with Gotham's Militia sent on a rescue mission. We received information you were being held here by SECURE.
Pam-
OTIS!
Burt-
He's fine. I saw him not too long ago.
Pam-
Thank God, I'm so tired.
Action-
Slowly Burt is lowered to the ground as Firefly descends towards the tree removing his mask in front of her. She smiles gratefully.
Pam-
Garfield, you never call me anymore.
Garfield-
I didn't have your number.
Action-
The tree splits open and spills Pam into his arms. Garfield descends to the ground next to Burt. All three stand and survey the damage which is tremendous.
Pam-
You did all this for me? This giant place was just to keep me locked up?
Burt-
Not exactly, we came to rescue any prisoners held here but we never got info on who or how many. It wasn't your fault though. You couldn't have known all that.
Action-
It takes Pam a moment before she realizes what Burt is saying. Finally she looks at the buildings turned to dust on either side of field and recognizes the ramifications of her rage.
Pam-
No, all those people! They didn't deserve this. It's my fault. I'm terrible, dangerous.
Action-
Garfield wraps his arms around her and she weeps powerfully.
Garfield-
The truth is you saved us, Pam. We would have been shot down by SECURE sooner or later. There were just too many.
Pam-
No, I can't be here. I can't be anywhere. Don't you understand? I have to go now. Please take me away. I have to be alone.
Action-
Garfield takes her in his arms again and flies off in the opposite direction of Gotham. Tirelessly he travels as far as he can until dropping her in a random town at a small bus stop. Quickly she drafts a short letter to her friend Otis and buys a bus ticket.
The last time Garfield sees her is through the window of the bus. She waves sadly, longingly. He watches the bus pull away carrying her north.
THE END
"What happened to you and Mitch?" Babydoll asked as Burt finished the story.
"We hijacked a car from an elderly couple and drove back to Gotham."
"So let me get this straight," Dr. Aesop clarified slowly, "Sunflowers burst out of some guy's chest and bloomed? Really?"
"Just like Alien," Magpie slurred helpfully as Burt pointed and winked at her.
"She gets it," he assured.
"So is this story true? Did it really happen like that?" Scarface demanded seriously.
"Let's just say," Burt began gathering his jacket, "it's based on a true story." Amidst the boos and curses from the audience he rolled his eyes as he stumbled past the table to clear his tab for the night.