"I shan't be lonely now.
I was lonely;
I was afraid.
But the emptiness and the darkness are gone;
when I turn back into myself now I'm like a child,
going at night,
into a room where there's always a light."
Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence
On the day of her twelfth birthday, nearly out of nowhere, it had occurred to her that there was something, somewhere out there in the world, whose presence only seemed to have caused her to start to wonder, if only very briefly, about the fact that maybe, she had only been just beginning to actually disappear for real this time, just one little piece of her at a time, in front of them all. It only appeared that she had since come to realize, now, that she could actually feel it as it was happening; although, the fact of the matter only appeared to be that it had all seemed to have been happening so subtly and so slowly, and for so very long now, that it had actually taken her several weeks of considering it before she had finally thought that she had been able to come to any sort of reasonable conclusion as to what exactly it was that had been happening to her, after all of this time.
She was a smart girl, though, exceptionally smart, in fact; she always had been, too, frankly, (some would say maybe even too smart for her own good), which only meant that she had been able to figure it out (just as she knew that she always would), eventually, that is, the precise reason why she had appeared to have been feeling as strange as she seemed to be, especially recently. Not surprisingly at all, really, she had been able to figure it all out (or at least, she had thought so), much sooner, in fact, long before anyone else in the world even seemed to have a clue as to what exactly it was that was going on; the only problem with that seemed to be, however, had been the fact that she still just did not (at least not as her twelve-year-old-self) have the ability to truly understand exactly what it was that she had been doing, at the very least, not nearly in the way that she thought that she really should understand it.
The only problem with that seemed to be, however, had been the fact that she still just did not have the ability to truly understand exactly how it could even be that such a thing could even be possible; that is, at the very least, theoretically, how it could even be possible for a human being to slowly vanish off the face of the Earth, at all, let alone, how it could even be possible for a human being to slowly vanish off the face of the Earth, entirely unnoticed.
And she was so very young, then, though, so even she knew, in spite of how intelligent she was, that she just would not be able to understand it, or, at the very least, not really.
So, in spite of how entirely illogical it would have seemed (at least, to someone on the outside), she was only fading, because that was what she did, and again, and no one in the world even noticed a thing.
Initially, though, she had to admit that everything about the very idea of it seemed to truly scare her, and it scared her even more than she felt that she could even put into words, actually. Then, strangely (although, maybe not so much), she had only begun to imagine that maybe, that there seemed to have been something that had been triggered, almost perfectly, within her; it only seemed as if there had been a change somewhere, deep inside of herself, and it had been a change that even she knew that she would never be able to identify.
And even so, oddly, she found that there had been something, somewhat unexpectedly, that only made her start to wonder, one day, not very long after that, really, about exactly what it was that would happen to her (physically and/or psychologically), if she just stopped eating. She bit her bottom lip gently, as she considered this for the very first time, and as she thought about this (she had been terribly curious, she imagined, because surely, it would only make her disappear even faster), the fact was that something about the very idea of that made perfect sense to her, at the very least, in her own mind, she had to say, and it made sense to her in a way that even she couldn't find the words to explain; and it only seemed as if the only problem with that, of any kind, that she encountered was the fact that she just could not seem to make up her mind regarding which aspect of her little experiment was the one that she was most interested in discovering.
The feeling deep within her had been ignited in a way that was almost desperate.
Maybe, one day, she would be able to disappear, completely, if only she were small enough.
Maybe, this was the only way…
She only wished.
(She was only testing herself, it seemed).
She was only getting thinner already, though, and she did so in exactly the way that she had hoped that she would be able to.
She just did not seem to care, truly.
It did not even matter, either, because none of it did, and the only reason why that even seemed to be, she had decided, was because she seemed to have gotten the exact results, almost instantly, in fact, that she had always thought that she wanted; specifically, though, the very first real thing that she had been able discover about all of this was the fact that she seemed to have only found it to be so very reassuring (although, she did not feel as if she could ever explain, at least, with any certainty, at all, exactly why she felt this way), that is, the exact moment that she had been able to lift her shirt up and really look at herself in the mirror and notice, for the very first time in her life, what she imagined to be, at least, for a moment, the softest, faintest outline of her hips only just beginning to show themselves, right there, protruding only slightly just underneath the surface of her skin.
She only stared at them, in silence, for hours and hours at a time, it seemed, and it appeared, if only for a moment, that she had been entirely and sincerely transfixed by the sight of all of it; in particular, though, the one and only thing about this that seemed the most intriguing, at the very least, to her, was the way in which it appeared, now, that she could see even more of herself, just like that, in the mirror, than she had ever been able to see before.
Strangely, it only seemed that she been truly amazed by every part of it and it only seemed that she just could not make herself look away from it, not even for a second, and it was all only because, for the very first time in her life, she felt as if she had been able to truly see herself for who she really was. In fact, it only seemed as if there had just been something about it, and about what she could see, that appeared to be nearly irresistible, really, which was exactly the reason why, it seemed, that it did not take very long, at all, for her to decide that she quite liked it. She had only imagined that she had wanted this all along and she had only imagined that she liked nearly everything that there was to like about it, in fact; and so, it did not seem to take very long, at all, for her to decide that she wanted to be able to see more (and yes, even if it was going to mean that she would disappear forever).
And, that was the very start of it, she had only thought to herself, though, even she felt that she had to admit the fact that it had not been until much later that she had even appeared to have dared herself to realize that that moment in her life even had been so, yes, that was the very start of all of this.
It was rather easy for her, though, she found; and the fact of the matter was that it was all much easier for her than she would have ever even imagined that it could be.
She just didn't understand exactly why.
No one, in the world, even knew, how easy.
It was so easy, she could not even help herself.
It was so easy, she could not even stop herself.
But it did not matter, anyway, did it?
After all, on most days, honestly, she was not even sure she wanted to do either one on those things, anyway.
And it was all only because it had already begun and nobody could even see it.
And, none of that even seemed to matter, nearly at all, really, because the fact of the matter was that it had been, just like that, in that very moment, it only seemed, abruptly and on some level, deep on the inside, even unknowingly, that somewhere along the way, she had only appeared to have tripped over something and fallen, like Alice, down a rabbit hole; and just like that, she had felt herself begin tumble down, down, down so very fast and so very far down the hole, but it all only seemed to happen, for only a second, because it appeared as if she had since forgotten how to stop herself from falling. She had felt herself begin tumble down, down, down so very fast and so very far down the hole, that eventually, she had come to realize that she was not even sure if she could see a real way out, at least, not anymore.
It was dark, so tragically dark, and there was no escape, it seemed.
She kept falling, falling, falling down further and further and further, though, oddly, she did not feel afraid.
She did not feel.
(But how far was she going to have to fall before she finally stopped)?