Heart to Heart: Introspection
"Heart to Heart: Introspection" - By Hoproman
Rated PG-13 | 24KB | Archived 04.12.00
Spoilers: Yes, S1 and "Mind the Baby" from S2.
Summary: Aeryn Sun and John Crichton try to come to grips with their feelings for each other. Takes place a day or two after the "Mind the Baby" episode.

Disclaimers: Farscape belongs to Jim Henson Productions & The Sci-Fi Channel, etc.

Archiving: Yes. If you want it, it's yours - just keep my name and e-mail address with it. And if you'd let me know where it is, I'd like to visit. :-))

Aeryn Sun wakes up and checks the time. It is late at night aboard Moya. Why did I wake up? Pilot would surely have called if there was some emergency. Aeryn lies in her bed for the next few microns trying to fall back to sleep. Know I'm tired but I can't sleep. Sighing in resignation, she gets up and goes off for a walk.

Aeryn walks into Pilot's chamber and says, "Pilot how's everything."

"Officer Sun. Everything is fine."

Aeryn says, "How's Moya?"

"Moya's fine. All systems are functioning at optimum levels."

Aeryn says, "Pilot any word from Talyn?"

"No, not yet. Shall I inform you when Talyn contacts Moya?"

"Yes Pilot. Please, I would like that. Good night Pilot."

Aeryn walks out of Pilot's chamber leaving Pilot to wonder what she was doing up so late.

Aeryn wanders restlessly for the next few microns. Before she realizes it she finds herself standing in front of the open door to John's quarters. I wonder if John's awake. Aeryn peers in to check on John. She sees him sleeping peacefully. Slightly disappointed Aeryn quietly walks in and stands next to his bed.

Standing there watching *John*, Aeryn comes to a realization. That's funny. When did I stop thinking of him as Crichton and start thinking of him as simply John? Aeryn gingerly reaches down and caresses his cheek.

John stirs in response and mumbles something unintelligible as a grin steals its way onto his face.

Aeryn grins broadly at his unconscious reaction. She's thinking. Look at John. He's so handsome. There's no denying that I'm physically attracted to him, *strongly*. She bends down and kisses John gently.

In response John mumbles, "Doña Aeryn..."

Aeryn finds herself a little puzzled and yet pleased with this response. Translator microbes didn't quite get that one. I'll have to ask John about that. She walks out of John's quarters thinking, "And there is no more denying that my feelings for John go deeper, much deeper than a purely physical attraction."

********************

John's sleeping in his quarters dreaming. He's happy that the barrier which prevented him and Aeryn from acknowledging their feelings for each other is now gone. Took long enough he thinks.

The dream takes an unexpected direction. He dreams about a scene from the movie Don Juan De Marco. He's Don Juan while Rygel plays Don Octavio de Flores.

"Don Octavio, you don't understand. I've got it bad, really bad for Doña Aeryn. No woman has ever gotten to me in this way before." John pictures Aeryn's face in front of his. A halo of blinding sunlight surrounds her face. Aeryn kisses him. "Doña Aeryn is everything to me. Life without her is not worth living."

Don Octavio replies, "This young woman, Doña Aeryn, must be very special. I would like so much to hear about her."

"Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love... until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her, you taste her, you see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her it must surely end."

Don Octavio says, "Surely you exaggerate. Life without *great wealth* is not worth living."

Don Juan picks up Don Octavio and looks him straight in the eyes. He says, "There are only four questions of value in life Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same."

Don Octavio says, "Great wealth?"

Don Juan sighs. "You're being silly Don Octavio. Try again."

"To be a dominar and rule over many subjects?"

Don Juan says, "No, no, no, no, no. The answer is, 'only love'."

********************

Aeryn thinks, "I'm not hungry. But I could use something to drink." She goes to the galley to make some caw-fee. Having made a batch, Aeryn takes a sip. Hmm, good. Aeryn rethinks her previous position about Humans having a primitive society. If Humans can invent a drink like caw-fee they can't be all that primitive.

Aeryn finds her way to the terrace. She continues her musing looking out at the stars. In many ways I've come to depend upon John. There's no denying that John and I have developed a special kind of a bond. An emotional intimacy that I've never experienced before. I never suspected I could feel emotions so strongly. And now that the dam has been broken, the flood of repressed emotions threatens to wash me away. While these thoughts did not bother her the way they would have a cycle ago, a different sort of uneasiness fills her.

Aeryn thinks about her previous relationships. Every relationship, every single one I've ever had never lasted very long - three monens at most. And they always ended badly for me.

I've cared about men who were only looking for a physical relationship. I've been with men who only thought about advancing their careers - nothing else mattered. When the opportunity came, they took it and left me behind. Alone and forgotten.

If you sum it all up, it boils down to one thing. I feel used. Every man I've ever cared for used me. Used me for something, for anything, for everything they could. And I've had enough of that.

When I'm in a relationship, when I have feelings for a man I feel so... so out of control, so helpless, so vulnerable. And once any of my relationships shows signs of stress, of cracking my response is always the same. I've trusted men with my feelings, with my heart. And they hurt me, they *betrayed* me. The one emotion I truly understand is anger, rage. Every time it's clear that a relationship is ending I always get so angry, so spiteful. I want revenge. I want to make him pay for what he did. And a few times I found a way to hurt him as bad as he'd hurt me. Did it ever make me feel better? No it made me feel worse. Worse because I couldn't stop myself until the rage subsided.

The last relationship had truly hurt. It cut deeply down to the bone. *He* was the first man I ever let myself love. *He* knew I loved him. I was so out of control. He *knew* and he used me, tricked me into doing something so horrible, so terrible... it hurts to think about it.

Then he callously threw me aside like a child discarding an unwanted toy. Aeryn remembers those fateful words, "If you don't come with me I'll find someone else who will." Emotionally I almost never recovered. The only way I survived was to close myself off completely. Close myself off to feelings, to emotions, to all men. I closed the door to my heart, locked it shut, and threw away the key. Never, never again I told myself. This way I'd *never* be hurt again. I'm too afraid of being hurt again. I no longer have the will to risk it. The emotional price I'd have to pay would be just too high.

********************

John's still dreaming in his quarters. He's trying to explain his feelings for Aeryn to his friend DK.

DK says, "Give it up John. Spill it. Who are you mooning over this time?"

"Her name is Aeryn. She's quite the vision of beauty."

DK groans, "Not another one of your blonde bombshells? Another damsel in distress?"

"That's the curious thing. Aeryn's got lustrous raven colored hair. I'm normally attracted to blondes and not brunettes. And she couldn't possibly be more the opposite of a damsel in distress."

DK says, "What makes *her* so different?"

"She's a gorgeous, intelligent, and vibrant woman. She's strong both physically and mentally." John smirks. "There's something compelling about a woman who can kick your ass. Trust me I have first hand knowledge of this. It makes you think about equality of the sexes in a whole new light. I can't tell you exactly when or how it began, but at some point over the last cycle, er year, I started falling in love with Aeryn."

DK says, "I know that you're in love with her. I can tell by that stupid grin on your face. So chief what's the problemo?"

"DK, you remember how I was with Alex?"

DK says, "Yep, you were totally gone. Off the deep end. Bungi jumping without the bungi. Skydiving without the para..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take that as a yes. And you remember what happened?"

DK says, "Alex chose her career over you. She took the opportunity at Stanford and left. You were..."

"Yes, devastated. I couldn't believe how quickly my life changed. I was in love with Alex. I wanted to marry her, to spend the rest of my life with her. It was very painful."

DK says, "So you're saying that you are afraid to tell Aeryn that you love her. Why? Are you afraid she'll refuse you? That she won't love you back? Or that you'll scare her away?"

"It's complicated. Feelings and emotions are completely new to her. She doesn't have much experience in how to deal with them. I get the impression that Aeryn had a rough childhood. I have a feeling that she's been in some bad relationships. Heck I guess we both have our own emotional baggage that we have to overcome."

DK says, "You are such a wuss. You keep telling me how Aeryn's so this, so that, so beautiful, you're so in love. And then you give me these lame excuses. There are no guarantees in life John. With Aeryn *you* will have to take the first step. Go to her. Tell her that you love her. She's an adult. She can handle it. Sometimes that brass ring only comes around once and you have to take a chance and grab for it."

********************

What scares me even more is how I behaved around Larraq. Sure Larraq was a handsome man. But I saw the signs. Larraq fit the profile too well. A career oriented PeaceKeeper Captain. What use would he have for me? Would I have been his friend, his companion, his lover, his mistress? Would he have dominated, controlled me like the others? How long would it have been before he got tired of me and discarded me at an opportune moment? He'd find another female PeaceKeeper who could help him more than I could. I'd probably find myself transferred to another assignment far away or he would just leave me. Just like the others had.

How could I so easily fall back into that old pattern of behavior?

Granted John is clearly different than the usual type of male I'm attracted to. Very different than the ones I've had all those bad relationships with. I'm in unfamiliar territory and it scares me. I just don't know how to be in a good relationship. This is why she found she couldn't sleep tonight.

But what am I really afraid of? Am I afraid of falling back into that old pattern of behavior with John? Or am I afraid that I have feelings for John? Afraid that it *will* work out with him?

Am I afraid that John will hurt me again? Aeryn thinks about the times John has hurt her feelings. When I caught him kissing Gilina on the Zelbinion. The time when John threw a tantrum and told me he was sick, physically ill because of me. When he stormed out of Moya right before the accidental starbust. The time he pulled a gun on me and abandoned me on the false Earth. Yes, he has hurt me before. But he always apologized and pleaded for forgiveness didn't he? And I forgave him despite the hurt.

What if it doesn't work out with John? What then? Could I face having to see him every day but not be able to have him, to be with him? Would we still be able to be friends? What does he really want from me? Is he using me for some reason that I can't see? What does he see in me? Could he possibly love me? Aeryn just found it hard to believe that any man could fall in love with her. I'm too difficult a person to get along with, too stubborn. John must want something from me. Could I possibly be in love with him?

John's always been after me. Challenging me. Invading my space. Pushing me. Telling me that I can be more. Ever since I first met John, I resisted him. I told him repeatedly, "Family, friends? I want neither." Continually pushing John away and resisting him took quite a lot of effort. Aeryn scolds herself, "Yes it certainly did, considering that you really didn't, don't want to resist him or push him away."

And despite me pushing John away, he somehow managed to get close to me. John is so persistent, tenacious. I wonder if all humans are like him. Always insisting he's right. Always encouraging me. He keeps chipping away at my heart. Breaking down barrier, after barrier, one defense after another. Relentless. The more I try to push him away, the more determined he becomes. He's never given up on me. I wonder what he sees in me.

I'm forced to admit that he's won. He's bested me, beaten me. I have no defenses left, not against him. I thought I'd forever closed myself off from these feelings, these emotions. But no, somehow John managed to find the key to opening my heart. He rekindled the fire, the desire to love and be loved in return. He sees right through me. Emotionally I feel completely naked in front of him. He seems to know me and my feelings even better than I know myself. I can't hide anything from him.

I'm vulnerable to *him*.

********************

John wakes up and gets dressed. He goes to galley and grabs a mug of coffee. Who made the coffee? I wonder.

John takes a few food cubes, ugh green ones and heads to the terrace to gaze at the stars. Entering the terrace John sees his 'Doña Aeryn' sitting on the floor and breaks into a huge grin. Aeryn has her knees pulled in to her chest, arms wrapped around her knees.

John sits down next to her and says, "Morning pumpkin. Thanks for making my primitive Human coffee."

Aeryn replies, "Morning... good morning John," and sips her cawfee. She then does her impression of a primitive sounding, "mmm."

John says, "Did you have breakfast? Would you like some food cubes?"

Aeryn says, "No thanks." She turns to look at him. A serious contemplative look on her face. She says, "John... did you mean it? Do you really mean it?"

John feels like a deer caught in a pair of headlights. Okay, what's going on here? What is Aeryn talking about? He says, "Aeryn, I'm not sure what we're talking about."

"In the alternate dimension on the blue Moya you told me you'd never leave me. Were you serious? Are you serious? Did you mean it?"

John is a little nervous. He thinks, "Dare I take the chance?" John holds Aeryn's hands in his. He looks her straight in the eyes and says, "Aeryn, for a long time all I could think about was trying to find a way to get back home to Earth. But over the past cycle I've come to a few realizations. Now even if I could go back to Earth I wouldn't. What I need, no what I want isn't there anymore. What I want and what I need is you - Aeryn Sun. I wouldn't be safe on Earth and I *know* you wouldn't be safe there either. My home is here with you." John lets his words sink in for a few microts.

John holds up her hands in his and continues, "This Aeryn, this is my home. Wherever you are, here on Moya or anywhere else my place is with you. I'd never be happy without you or with anybody else but you." John kisses Aeryn on her brow. "If we someday find Earth the only thing I'd like to do is get a message to my Dad and DK. Let them know I'm still alive and well. I'd also like to let them know about you, about us. But I will never abandon my friends. I will never abandon you. I want to be with you for keeps. So yes I am very serious. I mean it. I will never leave you." John brings her hands up to his lips and kisses them.

Aeryn wraps her arms around John. She says, "John, do you realize what you're doing to me? What do you want from me?"

John replies, "I do to you the same thing that you're doing to me."

Aeryn uncomfortably looks at John.

John thinks, "Well that got her attention." I can feel that she is nervous, tense about something. Reaching a decision, the muscles in John's back tense up. He continues, "Um Aeryn? Uh... there's never going to be a good time to tell you this. So I'm going to do it now. About that night on the false Earth. It meant, it does mean a lot to me. It was more that just about sex." Go on do it. He says, "I think you already know this, but I want to be certain you do." John pauses for dramatic effect. He then says, "Aeryn, I've fallen and I can't get up."

Aeryn looks at John and furrows her brow. She gives him a look. Huh? She says, "What?"

John replies with a grin on his face, "Aeryn, I've fallen in love with..." He touches her on the nose and continues, "you. And it's permanent. There's no recovering from it." There I said it. "I've been in love with you for some time now."

Aeryn is only mildly shocked by his admission. He does love me? "I know," she replies.

You *did* know. John continues, "As for what I want from you. I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you in my arms. I want to be with you when you're happy. I want to comfort you when you're sad. I want to know what your hopes, dreams and fears are. I want the radiant Aeryn Sun to give me her heart. I simply want *you*."

Thoughts bounce around in Aeryn's mind. He wants me? He loves me? He loves *me*. He wants *me*. She stumbles for the right words to say, "John... um I... uh I'm... I..."

John puts his finger over her lips and then gently kisses her. After a moment they break the kiss.

John thinks. As much as I do really *need* to know how Aeryn feels I know I can't push her on this. If she says it *now* it may just be because she feels pressure to respond to me telling her how I feel. She has to figure out how she feels about me in her own time, in her own way. John says, "Aeryn, you don't have to talk about it now. Just promise me one thing. Promise you'll come to me and tell me how you feel when you're ready to talk about it."

Aeryn is shocked. What? That is the last response I ever expected from him. He's not pushing me? Not pressing me to talk about my feelings? I'm confused. Will I ever understand him? Okay. Aeryn says, "Okay John I will. I'll promise if you first answer one question."

"Sure. Shoot."

Shoot? "John I'm not going to shoot you. I just want to know what 'Doña Aeryn' means."

Déjà vu. Bits and pieces of John's dream come back to him. Pretty wacky he admits to himself. His cheeks flush. "Um Aeryn, how... where did you hear that?"

"John I was watching you while you were sleeping. Were you dreaming about me?"

John's a little embarrassed. How am I going to explain the movie Don Juan De Marco to Aeryn? John starts, "You caught me Aeryn. Yes, I was dreaming about you. Do you see what you do to me? There is a movie, Don Juan De Marco, starring Marlon Brando, Johnny Depp, and Faye Dunaway. It's about a young man who's in love...."

Finis

********************

You are invited to send comments and/or feedback to the author at: the_hopeful_romantic@yahoo.com.