Dad once said to me that lives change like the weather. I didn't quite understand, until now, stood here in the hospital. 22 and still not old enough to hear the news I was about to. I rushed to the receptionist.

"My father's in here, Chief Swan? I need to see him, now."

"Miss Swan? Follow me," She told me, standing and leading me to a small room with a desk.

"Where's my father?" I asked.

"Please take a seat madam." She left, closing the door behind her, but I couldn't sit. I paced up and down. Why wasn't I with him? I was confused. I hadn't seen Charlie since I was 16, and here I was again come to see him for Christmas and… Why couldn't I see him? I got a call, saying he'd been admitted, something about icy roads and skidding, but he was fine right? A doctor walked in, clipboard in hand, breaking my train of thought.

"Is he okay? I want to see him." I demanded immediately.

"Please, take a seat." I did as I was told, and he sat opposite me.

"Charlie, your father… He was on his way back from the reservation, and came across black ice at 70 miles per hour. His brakes failed, and he skidded off of the road, rolling until he hit a tree." The doctor took a deep breath.

"He sustained substantial head trauma… On the way to surgery, he went into cardiac arrest, and we lost him."

Suddenly I couldn't hear the doctor anymore, my ears were ringing, my mouth dry and my heart racing.

"What? I-I just need to see him."

"Ms Swan, he's dead."

"But… I just talked to him on the phone…" I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't recommend seeing him, as the disfiguration to his face is quite severe."

"What?" I whimpered. I had this image in my mind of Charlie, and now it was ruined. My imagination was cruel.

"I have a list of funeral planners in the area if it's of any use, and you have full access to a grief councillor…" He was methodical, removed, and calm as he spoke. I was anything but.

"Yeah um, I'll take it. Thanks." I was in shock. This has to be some kind of mistake. Charlie was probably at home right now burning water in his attempts to cook.

"Do you have any close friends or family to stay with?" He asked.

"Yeah." I answered, standing up. "I've got to go." I all but ran from his office. I got in my car, throwing the sheet on the passenger seat and began to drive to Charlie's house. I parked up outside.
I knew his car wouldn't be there, but somehow, I expected it to be there, dirty as always, parked up on the grass. I thought the lights would all be on, and I'd hear him shouting for his favourite baseball team. I thought he would scratch behind his ear and avoid my gaze and mumble 'some mistake they made huh? Kiddo, you know your old man wouldn't go down without guns and explosions. You're not getting rid of me that easy.' But the house was dark and deserted, and run down since I'd last seen it, only rubbing in the shame of my sin.

I suddenly felt watched, like my whole world had been turned upside down, and everyone was watching, blaming, judging... I started my engine in a hurry and stalled twice before speeding off to god knows where doing double the speed limit. In the end I found myself in La Push, not sure where else to go. I made my way to Billy's house. I parked the car and walked in the front door without knocking.

"Billy? It's… It's Bella." I called, my voice shaky and weak.

"Bella? What a surprise… What is it?" He welcomed me, until he saw the look on my face. I took a deep ragged breath.

"Billy, it's… It's um, dad. Charlie, was he here today? Of course he was its just…" I rambled. "I got this call, and… well… He's dead." I finally spoke the words out loud, my voice breaking and for the first time in 6 years, tears fell down my face.

"He's dead and they wouldn't let me see him, he…" I broke down into sobs. Billy signalled for me to come over to him. I sat down on his lap and he wrapped his arms around me while I cried. "He's gone, and I didn't get to see him. I should've been here all this time, I…" I couldn't speak anymore, just weeping. It was only the hot wet tears on the back of my neck that told me Billy Black was crying, because as ever, he thought only of others. He stroked my back in a firm, soothing manner, reminding me of how he had often done so when I was a child. Billy had been as much a father to me as Charlie for most of my life. It was only then that it dawned on me that I'd hurt him too. That it was too late to say sorry to Charlie, too late to make up the time now. I found comfort in the thought that Billy who knew Charlie better than anyone in this world was here with me now and I knew I couldn't leave.

"What happened?" He questioned, so quietly I barely heard him, as if he didn't dare ask.

"He hit black ice and his brakes failed." I recounted, a fresh wave of guilt and grief washing over me. We stayed like that for what seemed an eternity before he patted my back and murmured 'let's get you comfortable, we'll set up a bed and you'll stay here.'

When I didn't move to get up he simply wheeled us into Rachel's room and opened her old chest of drawers and handed me a baggy old t shirt and some cotton PJ bottoms, I took them and stood up.

"Thank you" I sniffled, wiping my nose on my shirt sleeve unashamedly as Billy left to give me some privacy. I changed quickly and put my hair up and out of the way. I felt like a child again. I padded on out into the living room and climbed onto the couch, draping a blanket over myself as I tucked my knees to my chest. Billy came back and without another word put the old beauty and the beast on his VCR; that was new before I was born. We sat in silent companionship, quietly crying, on and off.

"Dad? Did I leave my wallet here…" Jacob stopped mid-sentence upon hearing the movie; before walking into the living room or ever seeing me he called out
"Bella? What's wrong?"

Billy and I looked over at him with tears in our eyes and he threw himself onto the couch besides me and held me like he had all those years ago. He cradled me against his chest, scooping me up into his lap and held me in a way that said he'd never let go.
"What happened?" he repeated over and over, crying already.

"It's Charlie… There was an accident." I couldn't say another word, sensing this Billy took over.

"He's gone." He choked out as it hit him again. We all wept together until we hadn't any more tears to cry, and then Jacob laid down with me still cradled against him, threw another blanket over us and we watched the end of the film.

We all stayed there until the end of the credits without a word.

"I'm an old man." Billy voiced, almost making me jump. "I haven't a lot of time left, but I'd be content to spend it with you two. You've always been like a daughter to me Bella, well as a father I'm telling you it's time to come home. I don't care about Renee or your job, I care about you. We're your family." He couldn't stop his voice from breaking as a few tears spilled over his cheeks.

Just when I thought I'd run out of tears a fresh wave hit. I just nodded and cried, unable to find the words. Jacob squeezed me tight before getting up to help Billy to bed. For a moment I sat alone on the couch in the now dark room and all around me I felt shadows. Memories of playing hide and seek, of Charlie reading to me, the 5th grade talent show, and how embarrassed I was that Charlie stood up and went crazy cheering for me. It felt right to feel so small and broken. Jacob came back in and sat down next to me in the dark.

"How are you doing?" he asked. It suddenly seemed as if the years apart had caught up and for the first time I saw the changes in him; and he didn't hold me as he had earlier, now conscious that wasn't his role anymore, and I hated myself even more.

"Crap." I answered once again holding my knees to my chest. "I just, I want to go back. I want a do over. I want to be 6 years old and be playing in your tree house with you, and believe that Charlie was perfect and invincible and nothing would ever change, you know?"

"I know that feeling." He paused. "It's good though, that you feel like this. Sorry, I don't mean it like that, I just… It wouldn't be right for this to be okay. Nothing about losing someone is okay, it's only right that we feel this, or we wouldn't know love, and what is a life without love?" He rambled.

I sniffled but smiled, feeling his words strike a chord. I felt like this pain was a part of my atoning for my wrong doings. I quietly in my head told Charlie I love him, and felt a weird hollow calm settle over me. I took a deep breathe. One step at a time, that's how I would take this.

"I know I've messed up. I've got a lot to be sorry for, I hurt pretty much everyone I care about, especially you, and tomorrow, you have my permission to hate me, and to curse my name… but tonight? Don't make me sleep alone." I pleaded, laying my hand on his. He chuckled.

"You're a hard woman." He mumbled, but he picked me up and carried me to his old bedroom and tucked us in. When I woke up, it was like I was 16 again, feeling his arms wrapped around me. It was only when I stretched and woke up fully that I got out of his bed and scurried to the kitchen, anywhere not to be there and see the look on his face when he woke up and remembered.

I started making pancakes, and was half way through the bowl of pancake mix by the time a sleepy Jacob came into the kitchen, shirtless and in his boxers. I bit my lip and looked away, he wasn't an option anymore, I'd had my shot and thrown it away.

"Morning." I greeted him, sliding a plate of breakfast to him.

"Morning." He returned gruffly. After a minute of palpable tension between us he exploded.
"I know given our track record I should have expected to wake up alone but wow, you've not changed a bit." He seethed into his pancakes, dissecting them and never looking up at me. I nodded, taking it in and looking up at the ceiling trying not to let his words make me cry, if only so he didn't say sorry and tread on eggshells around me forever more.

"Jacob." Billy scolded, slapping his son around the back of the head as he wheeled in unnoticed.

"No, it's okay, it's the truth. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have stayed with you, I should have known better." I apologised.

Billy grabbed a pile of pancakes and ran for it so to speak. He'd never been a fan of drama.

"Don't do that, don't act like some repentant martyr." He growled.

"What do you want then?" I snapped. He stood up and walked over to me. He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear before whispering in that ear. "6 years of my life back." He went back to his room got changed and left.

It was crazy to think that loss would take away what I did, but it was hard to see even in times like this that he was too hurt to put it aside. I let him go and stayed in with Billy, we started planning the funeral, and put on another movie when it got too much. Charlie's deputy announced his death on the news today, which ripped us apart but was also a blessed relief that we wouldn't have to make calls to let everyone know.

Within the hour we were bombarded with casseroles, cakes, and condolences. Everyone had guessed I'd be here. It hit about 3 o'clock and I felt like I was suffocating, seeing all the flowers and everything just reminded me Charlie was gone, so I went for a walk while Sue Clearwater helped Billy tidy all the paraphernalia away. I made my way to the beach where we'd used to go when we were younger and enjoyed the damp misty breeze on my face, and the way the stormy ocean seemed to be grieving with me. I sat on a driftwood log for a while, just staring out into the distance.

When I got back I sat with Billy and Sue and we set the concrete plans. The was a memorial to be had tonight where everyone was gathering to lay flowers and candles on the road where Charlie had the accident. It was the last thing I wanted to do but we all needed it. The funeral was in two days' time and would be held here in La Push were Charlie would have a proper ceremonial burial. It was only then that I realised I didn't have anything to wear, having not come prepared for a funeral. I knew I had a black dress and everything I would need at Charlies house. I took a deep breath before getting my car keys and stuff together.

"I'm going to go pick up some stuff from Charlies house." I told Billy. He offered to come but I declined. I headed out to the car and just as I started the engine Jacob let himself into the passenger side and scared the life out of me.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry for being a dick earlier, you don't need that right now, and please don't leave again. I won't let you, not now, not like this." He took the keys out of the ignition and held them hostage. "You can have them back when we hug and make up and you promise you're not going to leave."

"You're an arse." I told him, folding my arms across my chest.

"Promise!" He demanded.

"I'm going to Charlies house to pick up clothes for the funeral, now give me my keys! I promise I'm coming straight back!" I fumed, stretching out my hand and waiting for him to give them back. The dawning realisation of what an arse he had been hit him hard. He didn't give back the keys either. Double arse.

"I'm driving." He decided, sobering himself. He got out and came around, opening my door.

"No, absolutely not." I told him, daring him to defy me, which of course he did by picking me up and carrying me to the passenger side, buckling my belt and starting the engine before I could get out. I stared out the window the whole journey in silence until we hit the welcome to Forks sign.

"I really am sorry." He said rather abruptly. "I shouldn't have said any of that earlier. It just stirred up some old hurts, but it won't happen again. I just want you to know that I don't care what happened, I'm always going to be here for you. Let's just put it behind us, yeah?" He asked. I couldn't agree because it felt too much like sweeping what we had under the rug which sure, I did, but I couldn't.

"I think we need to talk and work things out. I appreciate you're willing to let go but I can't, not without letting go of the good stuff as well. And I'm sorry too for all it's worth."

The words hung between us in silence.

We got to Charlies house and it hit me all over again. I took a deep breath.

"You okay?" He asked, studying my face.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Don't. Don't lie to me." He whispered

"What do you want me to say? That I'm being eaten alive by guilt seeing how he lived alone and let things deteriorate like this because he didn't have any reason to care? Or the I'm out of my mind with grief? Or that it sucks to be here with you because you're just another person who I hurt, and seeing you hurt makes me think of how much I hurt Charlie?!"

"That's the truth though, isn't it?" He asked.

"Well yeah." I huffed.

"You're only human. You had a journey to take and it took you away from here. You loved Charlie, you were his world, even when you left. That's not changed. Yeah? Where ever he is… You love each other. You came here with the intentions of making things right, you did your best in the end. Yeah?"

"I guess." I sniffed.

"I'm sorry, I just can't stop making things worse." He sighed.

"No, I needed to hear that." I admitted. I took another deep breath and opened the car door, he followed. I took the spare key from under the mat and unlocked the door. It felt all kinds of wrong to be here without Charlie, and I was glad of the company, because being here alone would have been awful. I walked around the place, surprised by how each tiny detail sparked a new memory. In the living room there was a present and card addressed to me. My stomach flipped over and I hid it in my bag before Jacob could see it. We went upstairs to my room and Jacob hovered awkwardly in the doorway.

"Come in, it's not like you've never been in here before." I waved him in, memories stirring again.

"It's been a while is all."

"Yeah well…" I dug through my old wardrobe and gathered some clothes wondering if they'd still fit, and found a black lace dress, black shoes, and my old purple coat. I took a few photo albums and packed it into a bag. I paused outside of Charlie's room, but the door was shut, and somehow, I couldn't bring myself to disturb his room. We left and Jacob insisted on driving again, and I tucked the spare key in my pocket.

The drive back was quiet but strangely comfortable, and I was grateful to have him here with me. When we got back Billy had heated up one of the many dishes people had made for us, so we ate, Jacob went back to his place to get ready, and Billy and I went to the memorial. It was moving to see how many people had showed up and laid down flowers, and so many people came and shook my hand and told me little anecdotes about Charlie. This one girl Angela who I went to nursery with came over and hugged me.
"Jacob said you're staying in Rachel's old room at Billy's place, ugh, I can't imagine what you're going through. You're surrounded by amazing people though, I mean when my gran passed away last year… I don't even know how I'd have got through it without Jake. I'm here if you ever need to talk." She said sweetly, Jacob saw the two of us and rushed over.

"Hi," He waved awkwardly.

"Hi," I waved back, confused.

"This is Angela…" He rubbed the back of his neck and avoided looking at me.

"The 'girlfriend'" She finished the introduction, glaring at him a little.

"Oh! Oh… Wow. That's great. Oh, I think Billy want's me, I'll see you guys later?" I excused myself once again feeling like my stomach had turned upside down and the world was turning in on itself. I got straight in my car and left. I hadn't any right or business being so upset but I was, so upset that I left my own father's memorial. I stopped at an off-licence and bought a bottle of Bacardi, apple sourz, and a big bottle of coke.

I parked up and headed to the beach, hoping not to be disturbed. When I left Forks 6 years ago I was broken, and nothing really made me feel better, but drinking helped me feel numb. A friend was concerned about me after she found a stash of empty bottles and helped me get sober but tonight who the hell cared. I emptied out a bit of coke from the bottle and threw in the whole thing of Bacardi, and gave it a little shake to mix it. I'd finished the Sourz and was about halfway through the rum and coke when Jake showed up. I got up to leave but he blocked me, taking my coke and sniffing it.

"What the hell Bella?" He emptied it onto the sand.

"What?! I'm not allowed to have a drink?" I slurred, trying to push past him but just crashing into his chest.

"No what you're not allowed to do is slope off from your father's memorial alone and unannounced, go missing, and drink alone on a beach. You're also not allowed to look so hurt, I meant to tell you about Angela but…"

"But nothing, I left you, I don't get to be the victim here." I cried.

This time I did get past him, only for him to scoop me up and carry me back to Billy's house. He stripped me out of the clothes I didn't realise were wet and put me in one of his big old shirts. He climbed into his bed and patted the space next to him. I couldn't say no, I got into bed and without stopping to think, I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him far too tightly for someone who had a girlfriend but he didn't stop me. I'd meant to kiss him but I fell asleep before I had a chance.