"This is the fifth time we've dropped in on me making out with Chat Noir!"
Marinette was freaking out.
"In my room!"
Adrien was freaking out, too. Internally, that is.
"In various states of undress, don't forget," Alya supplied with a smirk. Nino, beside her, was also wearing the same expression, which Adrien thought was rather unhelpful of him.
"AUGH!"
The Chat Noir in Adrien would like to whimper indignantly a little at Marinette's obvious disgust at finding various versions herself being intimate with various versions of himself as Chat Noir. The first few times really did confuse him, but, to be completely honest, he wasn't too opposed to it. At least it was with Marinette. He would rather it be with Ladybug, really, but Marinette was not bad a choice.
It honestly could be worse, he wanted to say to her. It wasn't like he was unattractive or anything. In fact, if he allowed himself a little conceit, he could easily point out that 1) he was a famous model, 2) he actually looked rather good in that leather suit, and 3) he was a superhero.
It couldn't be that bad, Marinette, he wanted to say. It's just me.
But nobody knew he was Chat Noir's alter-ego other than himself and the other Chat Noir in the room, and neither of them were going to reveal that little tidbit any time soon. None of the previous Chats did. Two of them did act oddly by calling Marinette "my Lady" but other than that there wasn't really anything else too odd.
Well, except maybe that all four of them have admitted (courtesy of Alya) that they actually sneak into Marinette's room in the dead of night to… have illicit affairs. Adrien couldn't see himself ever doing that—it sounded wrong and it was his friend Marinette, who he wasn't interested in that way.
They've been to about maybe sixteen parallel universes thus far. They never stayed long, only a few minutes, long enough to find out a little about where they were (and also long enough for Marinette or Alya to freak out). Four universes had versions of him, as Adrien, and Marinette in some sort of relationship. One universe had what seemed to be him and Ladybug having exchanged Miraculous stones (Adrien will never forget how unfairly cute Ladybug looked as Chat Noir; that image will be in his dreams forever). Three universes had versions of Nino and Alya in some sort of relationship, interspersed with universes where he and Marinette were together. Once, they dropped in on them and their classmates playing dodge ball in gym class, twice, they dropped right into the middle of an akuma attack (they had to bodily heave Alya into the portal both times). The other universes seemed fairly normal, peaceful days, albeit obviously being parallel universes because their alternate selves were there staring at them with either suspicion or unbridled shock.
They just wanted to go home. Mostly, they wanted to find a version of Max who could put a "Home" button on his portal making machine so they could go home. No luck so far in that department. Adrien vaguely wondered if it was because he and Plagg were around. Embodiment of bad luck and destruction and all that.
It was pretty telling, however, that out of sixteen universes, five of them were of Marinette and Chat Noir being involved intimately in her bedroom. Was this a sign of an inevitable future? Adrien was starting to get used to the idea, no matter how weird that sounded. It has to mean something, right? He wanted to ask Plagg on his opinion on the matter, but unfortunately he couldn't do much with his friends hanging around him.
"So, Marinette," came Alya's voice, the teasing tone pulling Adrien out of his thoughts, "Chat Noir, huh?"
"Um," the other Marinette said, blushing. She was sitting on her bed beside a confused and flustered looking Chat Noir, who was looking back forth between himself, Adrien, and the two Marinettes.
"Ugh, Alya!" his (version of) Marinette exclaimed, arms thrown in the air, "I think we have more important things to think about right now!"
"But dude," Nino began, that unhelpful smirk still on his face, "this is the fifth time. It has to mean something."
That was exactly what Adrien thought!
"Nino," his Marinette hissed out, glaring, "you're not helping."
Adrien nodded in agreement.
"Um," other Marinette piped up again, standing up from her bed. Adrien watched as Chat Noir pulled her back down onto him, the confused look on his face gone. He began to regard Adrien and the rest suspiciously.
"What are you?" Chat Noir said, his voice low and dangerous. Adrien internally applauded his other self for sounding very cool and heroically in control. "Where did you come from?"
"We were just leaving," his Marinette answered nippily, pulling Alya and Nino by the arms back towards the portal. "Please, don't mind us."
"Not so fast," Chat Noir said, standing from the bed and leaping down from the loft. He took his baton out and extended it to block the way to the portal. His gaze was fixed on Adrien's Marinette, but occasionally he would flick his eyes towards Adrien himself. "Let Alya and Nino go, little miss."
Whoa, whoa, using his baton on civilians? Not cool! While it didn't touch any of his friends, Adrien wasn't liking how this Chat Noir was looking at his Marinette (and him). He decided to step in—
"Get your baton out of the way, kitty-cat," his Marinette hissed, stealing Adrien's thunder, and she was obviously not in the mood to be diplomatic. "We're not your enemies."
"Well, you're not my furriends, either," Chat Noir retorted, "if this is the work of the AKUMA, I can't just allow you or that guy—" he tilted his head towards Adrien "—to go anywhere with my friends."
His Marinette glanced at Adrien, then gave Chat Noir an appalled look. "Leave Adrien out of this, he hasn't done anything!"
"Oh, so you're admitting you're in cahoots with him?"
"In what way did I even say that?"
Adrien, from his peripheral view, saw that Alya had taken her phone out to record the exchange with Nino shaking his head at her.
"You just defended him! You're obviously a pair of clones!"
"What?! That doesn't even make sense!"
Okay, it was really time to step in now.
Adrien moved forward, deliberately making his presence known. He placed a hand on Chat Noir's baton, gently, and said, "Guys, calm down," he turned to his Marinette, "Marinette, I get that you're not feeling up to it, but don't you think it's better if we just calmly talk about this?"
She looked at him, eyes wide, then bowed her head, releasing both Alya and Nino. "Okay," she murmured, despondently. Adrien felt a little bad at that, and it definitely wasn't going to help fix her stutter around him any time soon, but it had to be done. Sorry, Marinette.
He looked up at Chat Noir, who tilted his head at him. "It's just me," he said, raising his hands up in a pacifying gesture, "trust me, we're not clones."
Chat Noir's ears twitched, and his pupils dilated as he regarded him up and down. To Adrien's relief, he retracted his baton, but it turned into discomfort when Chat leaned into his personal space to look at him some more.
Frankly, Adrien can understand Chat Noir's hesitation to trust him. They've battled Copycat before, after all, so doubles should naturally raise his suspicion. He would've reacted the same. What bothered him was how he reacted to his Marinette, which was unlike the other Chat Noirs they've come across. He shouldn't expect all of them to act similar, he supposed.
"Do you like Camembert?" Chat Noir said testily, looking right at him.
"No, I hate them," Adrien said simply, holding back a smile. Of all the test-of-character questions he had to ask, that had to be the easiest one.
Suddenly, Chat Noir jumped back and pointed his baton at him, hissing. "I knew it! You are a clone!"
Wait, what? This universe's Adrien actually liked Camembert? How was he supposed to know that?!
"Adrien!" his Marinette cried, standing defensively in front of him. Alya and Nino came up on either side of him, hands also raised up, placating.
"Dude, chill out," Nino said, finally being helpful now, "we're not your enemies."
"Chat Noir, stop," Alya added, "please, what would Ladybug think?"
Chat Noir didn't even blink. He just narrowed his eyes at them and thrust his baton forward threateningly. "Who's Ladybug?"
Who's—?
No.
Did he…?
Did he just ask who Ladybug was?
Ladybug didn't exist in this universe?!
"Chat!" other Marinette suddenly shouted from up the loft. "I called the president! They're sending reinforcements!"
Marinette called the president?!
And they're sending reinforcements?!
And more importantly, Ladybug didn't exist?!
Adrien was going to be sick.
"What is even going on right now?!" he heard Alya screech from his side, "Did she just say she called the president? Marinette, did you just call the president on us?!"
"Don't ask me!" his Marinette screeched back, sounding hysterical, "I don't have the president's number!"
"Guys, let's just get in the portal," Nino said, voice barely a whisper, pulling the two girls backwards. "Adrien, come on."
But Adrien couldn't move. He stared, shell-shocked, at this universe's Chat Noir. He had to know. He had to confirm it.
"Chat Noir," he rasped out, "please tell me you know who Ladybug is."
Chat Noir looked almost confused, but kept his baton up and pointed at him. "I don't know any Ladybugs or any ladies that are bugs."
Adrien felt his soul leave him just a little bit.
What kind of cruel world doesn't have Ladybug in it?
What kind of hell did they find themselves into?!
He wanted to just melt into the floor and cease existing.
"Adrien, come on," Nino insisted, letting go of Marinette to pull at him. "Look, guys, we're just gonna leave now, okay?"
"No can do, Nino, sorry," Chat Noir said with a shake of his head, and he actually did sound sorry, "but we can't just let you go off with a pair of clones. They're dangerous."
"Look, dude," Nino was taking the reins now when he saw that Chat Noir was treating him rather gently, "our Adrien and Marinette aren't clones of any kind. We're just, uhh, dimension hoppers? Yeah. And we, um, we just want to get home."
At this point, other Marinette had left the loft and was standing behind Chat Noir, in all her ruffled looking, post-make out glory. "I think he's brainwashed, Chat," she whispered to him loudly, urgency in her voice.
What even—? This is going all so very wrong.
"He's not brainwashed," Adrien's Marinette said, stepping in front of Nino protectively, "he's telling the truth. We're not clones. We're 'dimension hoppers' (apparently)."
"You're not fooling anyone," other Marinette replied derisively, stepping closer to his Marinette. It was dizzying looking at two of them face to face. Twins, but not quite twins. "Dimension hopping? What do you think this is, a sci-fi movie? This is real life, other dimensions don't exist."
"But clones do?" Alya interjected incredulously.
"Well, yeah," Chat Noir said, shrugging nonchalantly. "Clone technology has been perfected since 1958 when the secret organization AKUMA—"
"NOPE!" Adrien hollered, interrupting. Everyone jumped and turned to look at him, surprised.
Okay.
Well.
Adrien has had enough now.
First, this universe's Adrien actually likes Camembert. That stinky, terrible cheese he vowed never to put anywhere near his mouth. Next, Ladybug somehow didn't exist. That put the fear of god in him, and proved that this particular universe was doomed. Then, this universe's Marinette called the president. For reinforcements. Against them. Then! They said cloning existed! And then, "secret organization AKUMA"?
Nope.
Just nope.
Adrien was so done with this universe.
"We're leaving," he announced, sidestepping Chat Noir's baton and grabbing both of his Marinette's arms. He nodded to Nino, who grabbed Alya in a similar manner, and started moving towards the portal. "Goodbye, Chat Noir, Marinette. Go back to whatever it was you were doing and enjoy yourselves." And with that, he slid backward into the portal with Marinette.
Beyond the portal was his room in the Agreste manor. There was no mistaking his huge windows beaming moonlight at them and his stark monochrome walls. The portal shone brightly in front of him, superimposed against the right half of his TV. The safety and familiarity of his room relaxed him; he breathed a sigh of relief and allowed himself to fall backward onto his couch, with Marinette in tow. She squeaked daintily as she fell onto his lap, but he didn't really care at the moment. He was just glad to be away from that hellhole of a universe.
That universe was going to crash and burn. They didn't have Ladybug. They were doomed. There was nothing he could do to help them.
He almost wanted to cuddle Marinette to him in relief. She was feeling rather soft and pliant on his lap right now and—oh. Oh.
"Sorry, Marinette!" he croaked out, nearly pushing her off him. Oh god, Adrien, he internally screamed at himself, I know you're traumatized by events but that doesn't excuse inappropriately touching your friend like that!
Before Marinette could answer, Nino slid backward out of the portal, arms wrapped around Alya who was actually struggling against him for some reason.
"Nino, wait, I have to find out about the secret organization!" she was yelling.
"Alya, seriously!" Nino was yelling back as they kept unsteadily moving backward in Adrien's direction.
He grabbed Marinette and quickly moved them to the side, just as Nino and Alya fell onto the couch beside them.
"Come on, Nino," Alya whined, only half-heartedly struggling now, because she probably knew that once she passed the portal, she could never go back to that same world, "Chat Noir wasn't going to hurt either of us! He was just after Adrien and Marinette. Just a few minutes would've been fine."
"Dude, the other Marinette called the president on us," Nino pointed out, sagging against the couch, "even if Chat Noir didn't hurt us, the reinforcement would probably detain us or something."
Alya pulled her arms away huffily but relented. "Whatever." She stood up to face them on the couch, her arms crossed. She talked as she looked at them and around the room. "By the way, why did Chat Noir even think you were a clone, Adrien? There were only two Mari—" her eyes widened at something behind them, prompting Adrien to turn around "—Ladybug?!"
And there, indeed, was Ladybug. His Lady, in all her gorgeous, spotted glory. His Lady, his Bugaboo, sitting on his bed…
"Um," Ladybug said, staring at Alya with wide eyes. Everyone else turned around.
Wait, hold on.
Why was Ladybug in his room?
On his bed?
"Adrien?" Nino gasped out. "What the hell, dude?"
Adrien was about to answer—but then he saw it.
Another him, another Adrien, laying just underneath Ladybug, shirtless and blindfolded, looking confused and out of breath.
"Ladybug? What's going on?" the other Adrien asked.
Adrien gulped.
This…
What…
Oh my god.
From beside him, Marinette shrieked.
Ladybug shrieked, too. Then, her Miraculous beeped, and pink light surrounded her, only to dissipate to reveal another Marinette in her place.
Alya shrieked.
Nino uttered a low, "dude…"
Other Adrien let out a helpless, "What is happening?"
Adrien shut his eyes. His head was throbbing from everything that's happened and probably also from all the screaming around him.
He turned back around and sagged tiredly into his couch. Let him fuse with the furniture and never resurface. Let him be free from this turmoil.
He just couldn't deal with this.
He was just done.
Part of a series of crack one-shots, based on a post by little-autumn on tumblr. Check out my profile for links! Hope you enjoyed reading Adrien suffer as much I did writing it. c: