Artemis Fowl Show V
By Spectra16
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story except for myself.
A/N: Wow. It's been a while since I wrote anything for fan fiction. Eep. I'm sorry everyone.
"Welcome for the first time in ever to the Artemis Fowl Show!" Spectra16 squealed.
"I hate being here." Artemis said blandly.
"Why?" Spectra asked.
"Because we never have anything of relevance to talk about," Artemis mused.
"Sorry. But guess what?!?!" Spectra asked enthusiastically.
"What?" Artemis sighed, propping his head on his arm, bored.
"WE HAVE CABOOSE AS A GUEST TODAY!" Spectra exclaimed, happier than ever.
"Who the hell is that?" Artemis asked.
"You don't know Caboose?!" Spectra gasped.
"No."
"He's the stupidest and greatest person in the world!" Spectra16 exclaimed. Just then everyone heard a crash backstage. A "sorry" was heard, a bit muffled. A guy in a funky robot suit ran out.
"Um, Spectra. . . I've got a problem," the guy said. Artemis gave Spectra16 a bad look.
"What?" She asked Artemis innocently.
"Is this him?" Artemis asked.
"Yes," Spectra16 said quietly.
"I can't have our guests tearing up my house," Artemis said.
"Come and sit down, Caboose. So you don't get into trouble." Spectra16 said kindly. Caboose sat down but flipped over the chair backwards right as he sat in it. He got up and sat in it again, but cautiously.
"So, how do you feel about your movie, Red vs. Blue?" Spectra16 asked.
"It's cool," Caboose said.
"What movie?" Artemis asked. "This crazy robotic fluke has a movie?!"
"Yeah. He's in Halo. And some dudes made a movie from stuff they did in the game. They gave the characters some names, different color armor, funny dialog, and made a movie that is funny as anything I've ever seen," Spectra16 explained.
"Wow. That's pretty sick. You sure about this movie?" Artemis asked.
"Yes I am. I saw it. It is of the essence of what I stand for. Caboose is like . . . one of the best characters! He lost the flag!" Spectra16 raved.
"Heh heh. Oh yeah . . .," Caboose said, a little nervous about this interview. Then, another guy in similar armor came on to the stage, but it was pink.
"Donut?! What are you doing here?" Caboose yelled.
"Hey guys! I'm on TV!" Donut said as he danced around.
"No! Go away! Wait, is anyone else with you?" Caboose asked.
"Yeah. I brought the Mexican immigrant with me! He knows Spanish," Donut exclaimed, tugging on a lease that was attached to Lopez. Lopez came on stage and shook his head.
"Me llamo Lopez. Ahniehfieunfvklancsoiesajdlakjfkfjslkcmdfdf el tiempo," Lopez gibberished.
"Wow. I know Spanish too! Como estas'? Me llamo ikki tikki flanco padre rico livin' la viva loca. Yo queto taco bell!" Spectra16 said with pride.
Lopez raised one eyebrow, but no one could tell because he has a helmet on.
"I also brought Church's evil ex-girlfriend man," Donut said.
"I'm not a man! ! !" Tex screamed demonically.
"Oh yeah. Sorry," Donut apologized.
"I'll shoot you!" Tex cocked her gun.
"Eep! I knew I shouldn't have brought you! Why can't you behave more like Lopez?" Donut complained.
"Aye caleendae," Lopex sighed.
"This is too weird for me," Artemis said. "So, do you guys have a section in fandom? Because if you do, GO BACK TO IT!"
"Stop being such a meanie, Arty. They don't have section here. I should talk to Fido," Spectra16 said.
"WE DON'T?!?!" A transparent robot character exclaimed in shock and stood up in the audience.
"CHURCH!" Spectra16 yelled. She ran up to him and gave him a hug.
"What are you doing here?" Tex asked. She pointed her gun at him.
"WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU DOING HERE?!?!" Artemis yelled.
"They're our guests," Spectra16 told.
"Who else do we have as guests?" Artemis asked.
"Um . . . . Franka from "Run Lola Run". Really good movie. Go rent it. In fact, it's in German. But they have subtitles and really awesome techno music," Spectra16 explained.
"German?" Lopez asked. Donut jumped.
"HE SPEAKS ENGLISH!" Donut screamed.
"Que'?" Lopez asked.
"False alarm. I better get that hardware for the English language soon, before el capitano gets el angry-o," Donut shrugged.
"Oi vey," Artemis said.
"Jewish?" Lopez asked.
"No, Lopez. He's Irish. Not Jewish. More pasty-o than anything-o el loca," Donut said. Lopez cocked another eyebrow. "Anyway."
"Can I come out now?" Franka asked.
"Franka German but speakin' englace well," Lopez said.
"AAAAAH! HE SPOKE ENGLISH! HE'S LEARNING! SMART AI!" Donut screamed again.
"He's not an AI. He's a real person. And yes, Franka, grab a chair," Spectra16 said. Franka did.
"Got any candy?" Church asked.
"Why?" Artemis asked.
"Ghosts get hungry too." Artemis flipped over his chair.
"Are you okay?" Asked Caboose. Artemis sat up.
"He's a ghost?" Artemis asked.
"Yeah. He he. We killed him," Caboose said.
"Wow. You truly are stupid," Artemis said to Caboose.
"Actually, the Puma did it. Well, the chick in the Puma. Long story," Church said.
"Anyway, Franka, I noticed you didn't really sing in your debuts for your movie. Why not?" Artemis asked Franka.
"I dunno. I just wasn't all that good at singing, so I did more of rapping but not like . . . gangster rap. More like talking. I think the soundtrack did better like that though," Franka said.
"I agree," Spectra16 said.
"I need food," Church rubbed his tummy. Caboose tried to pick his nose, but his helmet was in the way, so he tried reaching under his helmet and that didn't work well either. So he opened the glass plate and picked his nose.
By this time, the camera guy filming the show was fixed on Caboose picking his nose. And Caboose even tried to sneak one into his mouth. The camera guy and several people in the audience laughed quietly.
"How's season 2 working out for you?" Spectra16 asked Caboose.
"It's doing good. I dunno. I just wish I wasn't so clumsy," Caboose said and stopped picking his nose and pretended he didn't do anything. Just then, Paris Hilton came onto the set half naked. But because of the five second editing delay, the viewers couldn't see her parts.
"Wow. That's weird," Artemis said, looking at the black cardboard attached to Paris.
"Where's the director? I gotta talk to him about this," Spectra announced.
"HEY! What's the big idea?" Church asked, regarding the censors. Tex then shot him in the butt.
"OUCH!" Church ran around, cradling himself.
"What about me?! I'm your ex-girlfriend?!?!" Tex became enraged.
"Wow. Poor sap," Donut exclaimed, talking about Church.
"Can we get back to ME please?" Artemis asked. "When's my movie coming out?" Artemis pretended to have authority.
"Who knows . . . ," Nyghtvision stole a microphone. "I think we should go to Eion's house and make him pay for all our troubles. Then we can go to Terry P.'s house and get him to make more stories.
"Hey, give him a break. But . . . that does sound like a dandy idea. Then we can make Miramax pay too," Spectra said. Artemis crossed his arms.
"I foretell trouble," Arty mused. "HEY! NARRATOR! Cut me some slack! No Arty talk!" He yells at me.
"Arty?" Lopez asked. He scratched his helmet, trying to scratch his head.
"No, Lopez. Ba-a-a-ad Lopez. No call Artemis "Arty". He may el bite-o you amo," Donut spoke in Spanglish. Or his version of Spanish. Artemis gave him a dirty look.
"Our next guest is Lemony Snicket! Whose movie is coming out soon! Yay!" Spectra and the audience clapped as a man in a business suit and a paper bag on his head came onto the stage. There were two eye holes in the bag.
"Hey," Lemony said meekly.
"Are you excited about your movie?" Spectra asked at the edge of her seat.
"No."
"Why not?" She asked.
"Because, it's a horrible movie. No one should go see it. Ever. It's just too awful. Plus, everyone has read the book already! What's the point of seeing the movie?" Snicket asked rhetorically.
"Because I like the books!" Spectra16 said happily. "I'm a big fan of the VFD." Lemony dived over to her and covered her mouth.
"Don't say that in public! They might steal you too!" Lemony loudly whispered in desperation.
"Kinda sounds like the CIA," A guy in the audience said.
"Jack Ryan! You came to my show!" Spectra16 exclaimed and gestured him to come sit down on the stage. By now, there were quite a few people on stage. Almost all the guests were still up there, except for Paris, whom was given some clothes. Jack Ryan came and sat down with everyone else.
"Hey, he looks like a spy," Donut said randomly, sucking on a random popsicle, just cuz.
"Yeah sure. He's a spy," Artemis said sarcastically, realizing that Jack was the only sane person on the stage. Knowing that Spectra16 was crazy, and everyone in armor had issues with peeing because taking the armor off was out of the question.
"Let's all get drunk," Church said. And there was much rejoicing.
"What if we're under aged?" A random seven year old boy asked.
"Well . . . act responsibly. No operating machinery. And no sexual contact! I can't afford getting onto cable. We have to stay on the more used channels!" Artemis announced. Spectra leaned towards him.
"We aren't on cable," Spectra said.
"I know! I just said that cable was a bad thing!" Artemis raised his voice a little.
"We aren't on public TV either. Actually, I think maybe one or two people might have this channel. And even if they do, they have to pay $50 additional moneys in order to get this program," Spectra admitted sheepishly.
"WHAT?!" Artemis screamed. "Who's watching us then?"
"I dunno," Spectra said.
"How did we get all these people to come in and watch us in the audience?!" Artemis asked.
"Um, they just support any show that has automated clapping and laughing and cheering and stuff," Spectra16 reasoned.
"Wow," Caboose said. "I was expecting you to say you grabbed people off the street and paid them."
"Shut up, man. I'm not that low," Spectra defended herself.
"Could've fooled me," Caboose said quietly and scratches his ear. Or rather, he tried to scratch his ear. He ended up scratching his helmet and then tried to reach under his helmet to scratch his ear. Finally, he gave up.
"Maybe we should start talking about something worth thinking about," Artemis began. "Let's get Nyghtvision. She'll set things straight."
"Okay, I'm here!" Nyghtvision appeared out of nowhere.
"Wow. See? She uses the teleporter!!!" Church yelled.
"No, I can just do that." The audience "ooo's".
"Okay! Artemis Fowl stuff!" Artemis encouraged her.
"Good news is . . . the Artemis Fowl movie is coming out!" Nyghtvision declares as the audience is signaled to clap. "Bad news is . . . GOD KNOWS WHEN!" Audience disaproves.
"Okay. FIELD TRIP!" Spectra yells.
IN FRONT OF EION COLFER'S HOUSE
"EGG HIM!" Caboose yells and oddly throws a stick.
"No. We have to negotiate with him. You know, papers and signatures and stuff," Donut tried to sound intelligent.
"Wow. That was almost convincing," Church said sarcastically. Spectra16 goes up to his door and rings the bell. No one answers. She knocks. No one answers.
She then gives up. No one is home. There is no car in the drive way. All hope is lost.
"Let's go home."
By Spectra16
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story except for myself.
A/N: Wow. It's been a while since I wrote anything for fan fiction. Eep. I'm sorry everyone.
"Welcome for the first time in ever to the Artemis Fowl Show!" Spectra16 squealed.
"I hate being here." Artemis said blandly.
"Why?" Spectra asked.
"Because we never have anything of relevance to talk about," Artemis mused.
"Sorry. But guess what?!?!" Spectra asked enthusiastically.
"What?" Artemis sighed, propping his head on his arm, bored.
"WE HAVE CABOOSE AS A GUEST TODAY!" Spectra exclaimed, happier than ever.
"Who the hell is that?" Artemis asked.
"You don't know Caboose?!" Spectra gasped.
"No."
"He's the stupidest and greatest person in the world!" Spectra16 exclaimed. Just then everyone heard a crash backstage. A "sorry" was heard, a bit muffled. A guy in a funky robot suit ran out.
"Um, Spectra. . . I've got a problem," the guy said. Artemis gave Spectra16 a bad look.
"What?" She asked Artemis innocently.
"Is this him?" Artemis asked.
"Yes," Spectra16 said quietly.
"I can't have our guests tearing up my house," Artemis said.
"Come and sit down, Caboose. So you don't get into trouble." Spectra16 said kindly. Caboose sat down but flipped over the chair backwards right as he sat in it. He got up and sat in it again, but cautiously.
"So, how do you feel about your movie, Red vs. Blue?" Spectra16 asked.
"It's cool," Caboose said.
"What movie?" Artemis asked. "This crazy robotic fluke has a movie?!"
"Yeah. He's in Halo. And some dudes made a movie from stuff they did in the game. They gave the characters some names, different color armor, funny dialog, and made a movie that is funny as anything I've ever seen," Spectra16 explained.
"Wow. That's pretty sick. You sure about this movie?" Artemis asked.
"Yes I am. I saw it. It is of the essence of what I stand for. Caboose is like . . . one of the best characters! He lost the flag!" Spectra16 raved.
"Heh heh. Oh yeah . . .," Caboose said, a little nervous about this interview. Then, another guy in similar armor came on to the stage, but it was pink.
"Donut?! What are you doing here?" Caboose yelled.
"Hey guys! I'm on TV!" Donut said as he danced around.
"No! Go away! Wait, is anyone else with you?" Caboose asked.
"Yeah. I brought the Mexican immigrant with me! He knows Spanish," Donut exclaimed, tugging on a lease that was attached to Lopez. Lopez came on stage and shook his head.
"Me llamo Lopez. Ahniehfieunfvklancsoiesajdlakjfkfjslkcmdfdf el tiempo," Lopez gibberished.
"Wow. I know Spanish too! Como estas'? Me llamo ikki tikki flanco padre rico livin' la viva loca. Yo queto taco bell!" Spectra16 said with pride.
Lopez raised one eyebrow, but no one could tell because he has a helmet on.
"I also brought Church's evil ex-girlfriend man," Donut said.
"I'm not a man! ! !" Tex screamed demonically.
"Oh yeah. Sorry," Donut apologized.
"I'll shoot you!" Tex cocked her gun.
"Eep! I knew I shouldn't have brought you! Why can't you behave more like Lopez?" Donut complained.
"Aye caleendae," Lopex sighed.
"This is too weird for me," Artemis said. "So, do you guys have a section in fandom? Because if you do, GO BACK TO IT!"
"Stop being such a meanie, Arty. They don't have section here. I should talk to Fido," Spectra16 said.
"WE DON'T?!?!" A transparent robot character exclaimed in shock and stood up in the audience.
"CHURCH!" Spectra16 yelled. She ran up to him and gave him a hug.
"What are you doing here?" Tex asked. She pointed her gun at him.
"WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU DOING HERE?!?!" Artemis yelled.
"They're our guests," Spectra16 told.
"Who else do we have as guests?" Artemis asked.
"Um . . . . Franka from "Run Lola Run". Really good movie. Go rent it. In fact, it's in German. But they have subtitles and really awesome techno music," Spectra16 explained.
"German?" Lopez asked. Donut jumped.
"HE SPEAKS ENGLISH!" Donut screamed.
"Que'?" Lopez asked.
"False alarm. I better get that hardware for the English language soon, before el capitano gets el angry-o," Donut shrugged.
"Oi vey," Artemis said.
"Jewish?" Lopez asked.
"No, Lopez. He's Irish. Not Jewish. More pasty-o than anything-o el loca," Donut said. Lopez cocked another eyebrow. "Anyway."
"Can I come out now?" Franka asked.
"Franka German but speakin' englace well," Lopez said.
"AAAAAH! HE SPOKE ENGLISH! HE'S LEARNING! SMART AI!" Donut screamed again.
"He's not an AI. He's a real person. And yes, Franka, grab a chair," Spectra16 said. Franka did.
"Got any candy?" Church asked.
"Why?" Artemis asked.
"Ghosts get hungry too." Artemis flipped over his chair.
"Are you okay?" Asked Caboose. Artemis sat up.
"He's a ghost?" Artemis asked.
"Yeah. He he. We killed him," Caboose said.
"Wow. You truly are stupid," Artemis said to Caboose.
"Actually, the Puma did it. Well, the chick in the Puma. Long story," Church said.
"Anyway, Franka, I noticed you didn't really sing in your debuts for your movie. Why not?" Artemis asked Franka.
"I dunno. I just wasn't all that good at singing, so I did more of rapping but not like . . . gangster rap. More like talking. I think the soundtrack did better like that though," Franka said.
"I agree," Spectra16 said.
"I need food," Church rubbed his tummy. Caboose tried to pick his nose, but his helmet was in the way, so he tried reaching under his helmet and that didn't work well either. So he opened the glass plate and picked his nose.
By this time, the camera guy filming the show was fixed on Caboose picking his nose. And Caboose even tried to sneak one into his mouth. The camera guy and several people in the audience laughed quietly.
"How's season 2 working out for you?" Spectra16 asked Caboose.
"It's doing good. I dunno. I just wish I wasn't so clumsy," Caboose said and stopped picking his nose and pretended he didn't do anything. Just then, Paris Hilton came onto the set half naked. But because of the five second editing delay, the viewers couldn't see her parts.
"Wow. That's weird," Artemis said, looking at the black cardboard attached to Paris.
"Where's the director? I gotta talk to him about this," Spectra announced.
"HEY! What's the big idea?" Church asked, regarding the censors. Tex then shot him in the butt.
"OUCH!" Church ran around, cradling himself.
"What about me?! I'm your ex-girlfriend?!?!" Tex became enraged.
"Wow. Poor sap," Donut exclaimed, talking about Church.
"Can we get back to ME please?" Artemis asked. "When's my movie coming out?" Artemis pretended to have authority.
"Who knows . . . ," Nyghtvision stole a microphone. "I think we should go to Eion's house and make him pay for all our troubles. Then we can go to Terry P.'s house and get him to make more stories.
"Hey, give him a break. But . . . that does sound like a dandy idea. Then we can make Miramax pay too," Spectra said. Artemis crossed his arms.
"I foretell trouble," Arty mused. "HEY! NARRATOR! Cut me some slack! No Arty talk!" He yells at me.
"Arty?" Lopez asked. He scratched his helmet, trying to scratch his head.
"No, Lopez. Ba-a-a-ad Lopez. No call Artemis "Arty". He may el bite-o you amo," Donut spoke in Spanglish. Or his version of Spanish. Artemis gave him a dirty look.
"Our next guest is Lemony Snicket! Whose movie is coming out soon! Yay!" Spectra and the audience clapped as a man in a business suit and a paper bag on his head came onto the stage. There were two eye holes in the bag.
"Hey," Lemony said meekly.
"Are you excited about your movie?" Spectra asked at the edge of her seat.
"No."
"Why not?" She asked.
"Because, it's a horrible movie. No one should go see it. Ever. It's just too awful. Plus, everyone has read the book already! What's the point of seeing the movie?" Snicket asked rhetorically.
"Because I like the books!" Spectra16 said happily. "I'm a big fan of the VFD." Lemony dived over to her and covered her mouth.
"Don't say that in public! They might steal you too!" Lemony loudly whispered in desperation.
"Kinda sounds like the CIA," A guy in the audience said.
"Jack Ryan! You came to my show!" Spectra16 exclaimed and gestured him to come sit down on the stage. By now, there were quite a few people on stage. Almost all the guests were still up there, except for Paris, whom was given some clothes. Jack Ryan came and sat down with everyone else.
"Hey, he looks like a spy," Donut said randomly, sucking on a random popsicle, just cuz.
"Yeah sure. He's a spy," Artemis said sarcastically, realizing that Jack was the only sane person on the stage. Knowing that Spectra16 was crazy, and everyone in armor had issues with peeing because taking the armor off was out of the question.
"Let's all get drunk," Church said. And there was much rejoicing.
"What if we're under aged?" A random seven year old boy asked.
"Well . . . act responsibly. No operating machinery. And no sexual contact! I can't afford getting onto cable. We have to stay on the more used channels!" Artemis announced. Spectra leaned towards him.
"We aren't on cable," Spectra said.
"I know! I just said that cable was a bad thing!" Artemis raised his voice a little.
"We aren't on public TV either. Actually, I think maybe one or two people might have this channel. And even if they do, they have to pay $50 additional moneys in order to get this program," Spectra admitted sheepishly.
"WHAT?!" Artemis screamed. "Who's watching us then?"
"I dunno," Spectra said.
"How did we get all these people to come in and watch us in the audience?!" Artemis asked.
"Um, they just support any show that has automated clapping and laughing and cheering and stuff," Spectra16 reasoned.
"Wow," Caboose said. "I was expecting you to say you grabbed people off the street and paid them."
"Shut up, man. I'm not that low," Spectra defended herself.
"Could've fooled me," Caboose said quietly and scratches his ear. Or rather, he tried to scratch his ear. He ended up scratching his helmet and then tried to reach under his helmet to scratch his ear. Finally, he gave up.
"Maybe we should start talking about something worth thinking about," Artemis began. "Let's get Nyghtvision. She'll set things straight."
"Okay, I'm here!" Nyghtvision appeared out of nowhere.
"Wow. See? She uses the teleporter!!!" Church yelled.
"No, I can just do that." The audience "ooo's".
"Okay! Artemis Fowl stuff!" Artemis encouraged her.
"Good news is . . . the Artemis Fowl movie is coming out!" Nyghtvision declares as the audience is signaled to clap. "Bad news is . . . GOD KNOWS WHEN!" Audience disaproves.
"Okay. FIELD TRIP!" Spectra yells.
IN FRONT OF EION COLFER'S HOUSE
"EGG HIM!" Caboose yells and oddly throws a stick.
"No. We have to negotiate with him. You know, papers and signatures and stuff," Donut tried to sound intelligent.
"Wow. That was almost convincing," Church said sarcastically. Spectra16 goes up to his door and rings the bell. No one answers. She knocks. No one answers.
She then gives up. No one is home. There is no car in the drive way. All hope is lost.
"Let's go home."