This piece of ridiculousness is, well, ridiculous. It's meant to poke fun at all the cliches we've seen in fic time and time again. I have no idea if it's actually funny, but the worst case scenario is you make a drinking game out of playing spot the cliche.

The story is a birthday present for someone but she might not thank me after reading it! It's also completely unbeta'd which means all mistakes are mine (although some are deliberate).

Internet cookie if you can tell me where I got the title from :).

We start on Isle Esme after the fade to black in Breaking Dawn...

Let It Burn

The problem with Edward pulling me into deeper water was that I couldn't swim and it was too deep for me to wade in. Instead, as soon as Edward let go of me, I sank, thrashing my arms about in the water with my usual elegance.

"I've got you," he murmured, encircling me in his arms and keeping my head above the water before I swallowed too much of it. I spat some out discreetly and shook my hair out of my eyes. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," he continued, pulling me back towards the shallows.

I nodded, keeping a firm grip on him in case he decided that the honeymoon itself was a bad idea, not just the swimming. "We should probably go in," I said in what I hoped was a suggestive manner. I wrapped my leg around his hip, and his molten butterscotch eyes darkened to black.

"Please be careful, Bella. I only have so much control."

"I don't like you in control," I breathed back to him, rubbing myself against his hip. He grunted and lifted me abruptly, speeding out of the water and back towards the house. The bed bounced under me when he tossed me onto the mattress, and when the nausea from the motion sickness had passed, I lifted my head to stare at him.

As I so often had before, I forgot to breathe at the sight of him, pale and shining in the moonlight, the firm skin of his chest glittering just a little. His eyes were unfathomably dark and his expression was shadowed. What really drew my attention, though, was his prominent manhood, which was jutting out proudly.

It was so big. Impossibly big – long and hard and thick. I wanted to taste it because I was sure it would be like licking a rainbow, and while I was worried about how it would fit inside me, my body responded to the sight of it, liquids gushing out of my hot center.

"Um, Bella?" he said, creeping closer to the bed. "Is that normal?" He gestured to the soaked mattress beneath me.

"Yes," I replied breathlessly, licking my lips as his throbbing member bobbed about.

"Okay." He crawled onto the bed beside me, and I reached out to run my hands over his chest. He swallowed and shifted us so I was on my back and he was propped up above me. His sweet breath washed over me and I became dizzy at the scent, mewling and arching up towards him.

"Please, Edward," I moaned.

In response, he growled lightly in the back of his throat, bending his head so his lips finally met mine, and at the same time one hand found the tight bud on the tip of my breast, which pebbled at his touch. I squealed and kissed him back with enthusiasm, while his fingers stroked and tweaked me. My nipples seemed to be directly connected to the bundle of nerves between my legs, and every touch spent sparks down my body and caused my hot folds to become even slicker with my want.

Every sound out of my mouth was a sigh of his name, and when my panting became so fast I was close to hyperventilating, his hand suddenly slipped down my body, finding the nub at the top of my wet folds and pinching it.

I yelped and pulled his hand away. "Please, no more," I sobbed. "I just need you in me."

He shifted us again so he was pressed right against me from shoulder to hip, and the tip of his manhood pressed against my entrance, begging for entry. "Are you sure?" he enticed me.

"Please, Edward, please."

"I love you, Bella," he said, pushing slowly into my heat. I felt stretched and full from the hardness of his intrusion, which grew even harder as I encompassed him, but already my body was responding to the rightness of him being inside me.

"Oh, Edward," I mumbled breathily. He grunted and pressed his hips further into my core. "Fuck me harder."

He paused, and in the soft moonlight the look of befuddlement on his beautiful face was wondrous.

"But Bella," he murmured, his breathtaking voice as sweet as a choir of angels singing, "I'm barely inside you. And you're a virgin. Are you sure?"

"Yes," I replied, inhaling his intoxicating breath. "Fuck me, Edward."

And he did. His movements suddenly became like a drill; a sexy drill. His member – hardening even further until it was like steel - ripped through my barrier, which for some reason was several inches inside me and not at the entrance, eliciting a yip of pain from me. The ordinary Edward would have stopped but this Edward was different: as his hips pistoned, his lips pulled back from his teeth in a feral snarl, and animalistic growls rumbled from his chest. Despite the fact that the way he was moving was more than a little uncomfortable – in fact, it hurt, but I would never tell him that – the way he was reacting was making my body react in turn. Juices gushed out and he seemed to like the way that felt, going even faster until the headboard of the bed smacked against the wall in a perfect rhythm.

His growls were getting more ferocious and all I could do was cling onto him as he moved, enjoying the feel of the contained strength in his back as I ran my hands down it. His back was as perfect as the rest of him, of course. I arched into him, inadvertently baring my neck, and I felt his teeth graze across it before he buried his head in the pillow my head rested on.

With one last thrust, he released into me, letting loose a wild snarl as I felt his member twitching inside me. There was a ripping sound and I was vaguely worried, inside my haze of bliss, that it was some part of me being torn apart by Edward, but I didn't feel any pain. Well, apart from the dull aching across my pelvis. But Edward had caused that, so it was a good pain.

"Oh, Bella," he mumbled as he pulled out of me, and I gazed up at his beautiful face in adoration. I felt wetness coating my thighs, which wasn't all that pleasant, but seeing him looking so rapturous made me happy beyond words. I noticed in the soft moonlight that he chin and lips were covered in what looked like white fluff, not that it detracted from his perfect profile in any way, and glanced around in confusion as he rolled away from me. The pillow behind me had been torn open, with feathers spilling out across the bed.

Edward had bitten the pillow.

My whole body clenched tightly at the thought. Everything he did made me want him.

"Don't, Bella," he said tersely, a melancholic frown marring his beautiful features.

"What, Edward?" I whispered in reply. I curled myself around his body, reveling in his incredible scent. He wasn't that comfortable to lie against, but I'd learned how to sleep snuggling against a rock from all those times he snuck into my bedroom at night.

"I nearly killed you," he replied tensely. "How can you even stand to look at me?"

"No, you didn't," I said, confused. "I'm fine. See?" I stretched out, ignoring the fact all of my body did ache a little bit, especially in my feminine area, which was feeling a little…hot, like it had been burnt. Could I have friction burns from Edward? He'd been moving at an incredible speed, and his manhood was effectively made of stone.

In the future, we'd just have to use more lubricant. Despite Edward's concern that I seemed to gush like a waterfall, it obviously wasn't enough.

Speaking of Edward's member, it was standing to attention again, stirred by my movements. My ego couldn't help feeling a little proud of that. Edward apparently needed no time to recover, and the thought thrilled me.

I ignored the pain in my sex, knowing any hint of injury would send Edward spiraling into misery.

"I'm better than fine, actually," I told him. "I'm wonderful. Don't you dare spoil this – holy crow!"

There was definite burning now, the kind that made me curl up on the bed and scream.

"Bella?" Edward hovered over me, wide-eyed with panic, bronze locks askew and feathers still adorning his godlike chin. "Bella, what is it?"

"Burning," I moaned.

"But…I didn't bite you! I only nearly bit you."

"Burning," I repeated, eyes rolling back in my head as my limbs twitched. "Hurts, Edward," I managed to croak out, gesturing to the source of my pain.

"Your feminine area? What about it?"

Edward spread my legs, crouching between them to study me intensely. "Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

I couldn't ask him why he kept saying that. I was too busy letting out a feral scream that bucked my whole body off the bed, and nearly buried Edward face first in my folds.

"My venom," he lamented in chagrin when I'd finished yowling, reaching out to grab my hand. "I didn't even think…we should have done tests! Oh Bella, there's venom in my ejaculate!" He spat out the last word in distaste. "You're turning into a vampire…from the vagina outwards."

His words were almost drowned out by another screech from me.

"I'm sorry, Bella. It's such a small amount of venom that it's going to take a long time, far longer than the normal three days. And there's nothing I can to do help you."

The next eternity dragged on. The only things I was aware of was the pain, which eventually spread from my sacred place outwards to encompass my whole body, and Edward's constant self-beration.

Why didn't I get Carlisle to check my fluids?

Why did I ignore Alice's calls when we left on the honeymoon?

We should never have tried this before you were changed.

I've been such an idiot!

After eons had passed, the flames subsided, but the whining continued, only the voice it came from changed, becoming infinitely more velvety, more beautiful, more perfect than I'd ever heard it. I realized it wasn't the voice that had changed, but my hearing, my inferior human eardrums being replaced with something better. Only the burning in my throat remained and even that became tolerable. The pain in my limbs was completely eradicated and I could feel the world around me perfectly.

"Edward," was the first word I said with my new voice, which was as rich and melodic as a choir of birds in the morning. Edward was always going to be the first word I said in my new life. I'd planned it that way all along, as soon as I knew that I wanted to be like him. It was certainly better than my last words in my old life, which had been a mangled curse.

"Bella?" Even without opening my eyes, I knew he was awestruck by my new beauty. "Have you come back to me from the fire?"

"Edward," I repeated, for good measure. "Shut the fuck up whining."

There was stunned silence, and I kept my eyes closed. Vision would snap my hold on my already threadbare control.

"Bu-but Bella," he spluttered, an achievement for a vampire. "You've been out of it for a week. I've been so worried about you, and now you're awake I just want to take care of you."

"A week?" I yelled, and I heard several birds take flight from a tree outside the house. " A whole week because of your spunk? You'd better start running. I'm faster than you right now and stronger, and I owe you a world of pain for your monumental stupidity."

He hung his head, characteristic self-loathing hanging over him like a cloud. "I know I was stupid. I'm sorry. I just didn't think there'd be enough venom in my fluids to cause any problems. I'll spend eternity making it up to you."

"Yes, you will. But right now, I'm thirsty, and if you don't get the hell away from me you're going to be my first casualty. Now GO."

I roared the last word, and that sent him scrambling away. I heard the splashing that meant he'd flung himself into the water and only when I knew he was far away, did the temptation to cause permanent damage to his sex fade. I'd only end up regretting it. Already my improved body was wet with just the smell of Edward. I hadn't even looked at him with my new vampire eyes.

Hopefully when I looked in the mirror and saw how I'd changed, become worthy of Edward's love, my anger would fade, but I couldn't help it. Right now my need to rip and tear into anything was being channeled in his direction because of the pain I'd just been through.

I needed to hunt, so I'd have to leave the island and head for the jungle, then return when I was calmer. In the grand scheme of things, this wasn't so bad.

After all, he could have got me pregnant.

If you made it through that, well done. Go pour yourself a stiff one!