A/N: So, hotchityhotchhotch gave me the lovely prompt "porn" and we both thought that, though smut would be the obvious choice, humor would be even more fun. It did turn out a little smutty, but it's not worthy of an M-rating at all. I marked it as Hotch/Prentiss but really the most part is Hotch and the guys on the team.

Enjoy!

I do not own Criminal Minds.

Dear Penthouse,

Morgan put his almost empty bottle of Old English back on to the coaster and glanced around the table. He was feeling pleasantly buzzed and was wondering to himself how he could draw as much enjoyment from this night as possible. Of course he could go off to find some lovely lady to hook up with. But he had been the one to suggest a guys' night out and though he was many things rude wasn't one of them. So he stayed put, flipping through his brain, trying to find a topic that would engage the entire group.

He could mention baseball or soccer and he was sure that Hotch's ears would peak, probably Rossi's too. Reid would of course not be interested but would still probably be able to reel off rules and statistics going back fifty years and frankly he had no interest in having to listen to that.

Rossi would engage in conversation about most things, but had most to say when the topic landed on aged whiskeys and the Rat Pack. And Morgan viewed neither of those two topics as something remotely interesting.

And Reid. Well, Reid could most certainly go on and on and on about anything and everything, though nothing made his already high pitched voice squeakier than science fiction and Halloween (which was right around the corner) and well… headaches weren't really Morgan's thing.

So, settling on a subject he knew would at least entertain him, he gulped down one more swig of beer before asking; "So, what's the weirdest place you've all gotten laid?"

Hotch, having just taken a sip from his own beer, spluttered and looked up at Morgan with almost comically arched eyebrows. Reid emitted a high pitched squeak and locked his eyes to the table, all of a sudden very interested in the stem of his brandy glass. Rossi was the only one unsurprised enough to open his mouth and calmly say; "Now, why would we want to tell you that?"

Morgan shrugged and emptied his bottle, waving to the waitress for another as soon as the last drop hit his lips. "Because it could be fun. It's male bonding if you will – "

"And you get a kick out of shaking up these two," Rossi added, jutting his thumb at Reid and Hotch.

"No, like I said it's for fun… and I'll give the one with the best letter to Penthouse $100," Morgan said, with a twinkle in his eye, making Hotch huff loudly and cross his shirt clad arms across his chest. "Oh, c'mon," Morgan said, "the girls do it all the time!"

"They do?" Hotch said, hoping that the others would assume that the tiny waver to his voice was due to him having had two bottles of beer and not due to the sudden panic flowing through him. Had Emily told JJ and Garcia everything? Everything? Well, since they had decided not to disclose their relationship to the team just yet he really hoped that she hadn't. But he knew how close they were. Maybe she had let something slip.

"Yeah, man," Morgan said, wiggling his eyebrows, "I'm sure Prentiss has heard all about Will and Kevin, you know moves and stuff…" He shuddered. "Man, I'm glad I don't have to listen to any of that."

"But that is what you want us to talk about now," Reid cut in.

"Yeah, but I want to know about the, you know, freaky stuff some girls have got you to do… Please keep all details about your junk to yourself."

"I wasn't going to disclose any," Reid huffed, taking a sip of his brandy.

"Fine, Derek," Rossi said, arching one eyebrow, "Why don't you start us of then? Where's the craziest place you've ever done the deed?"

A wide, sparkling white, smile spreading across his lips, Morgan proudly said; "The steam room at the Academy gym." He smiled wider, ignoring the disgusted faces on the men around him he continued, "I'd been at the gym early one morning and Agent Simons, you know the cute redhead from White Collar, was there and we used the treadmills next to each other and got to talking and well one thing lead to another and…" He arched his eyebrows suggestively and let the tip of his tongue peek out between his teeth. "And let me tell you, she was one freaky chick, she – "

"Please don't," Hotch cut Morgan off, "I want to be able to look her – and you for that matter - in the eyes again."

"Don't be such a drag, man," Morgan said, shaking his head, "the whole point of telling your guy friends about your sexual conquests is actually telling them about all the acrobatic fucking. Now, as I was saying she was a freak, I have never had anyone do some of the stuff she did –"

Hotch closed his eyes as Morgan went on for a bit about the things that Agent Simons had done. Trying to block out Morgan's voice he couldn't help but let his mind wander to some of his own adventures.

"Thank you, Derek, for that vivid mental image," Rossi said, pulling Hotch from his inner musings. "And thank you for forever putting me off going into that steam room."

"What about you then, old-timer?" Morgan cocked a brow, "What's yours? Foot of the bed?"

"Please," Rossi stroked his goatee, "I'm Dave Rossi. What do you think?"

"Go on then,"

"Wife number two, well actually before she was Mrs. Rossi, I think it was on our second or third date. We had a lovely dinner and then she treated me to some…ahem…dessert in the back of a limo – ", he smirked, "– while we were going down a freeway." He chuckled to himself. "The car wasn't the only thing going down, if you catch my drift – "

Again Hotch closed his eyes and again Emily appeared. This time she appeared in the bathroom of the jet where she so very enthusiastically had sucked him off a few months ago.

"So, you got blown in the back of a car?" Morgan said, sounding disappointed, and once more Hotch was pulled from a dream. "That's pretty tame, man. I thought you had some good stuff from back in your heydays."

"Sorry to disappoint kid," Rossi said, smiling slyly and making the others suspect that he had more, even raunchier stories, hidden somewhere behind his beady black eyes.

"Fine," Morgan pouted, "no money for you then." He turned to Reid, who along with Hotch had kept quiet and let the other two do the talking, and immediately a wicked grin crossed his lips. "Over to you, pretty boy. What's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

"I don't want to say," Reid said, shaking his head so that his scruffy hair bounced, "you'll laugh."

"I won't laugh," Morgan said, "I promise that no matter how…uhm… normal your craziest time was I will not laugh."

"Fine," Reid said, swallowing one more swig of brandy before continuing, "Comic-Con."

"What?"

"Comic-Con," Reid said again, "Two years ago I went there and I met this girl. She was dressed as Lieutenant Uhura and she was well, she was very pretty and we… uh… we, or I should probably say she, found this empty room and well, we… uh… she… oh, I don't want to tell you this… I don't care about the $100, you can keep it."

"Okay," Morgan chuckled, "Don't worry, kid, I think we all have a pretty good idea of what went on in that room. Pretty ballsy I must say." He bumped his first against Reid's shoulder. "I didn't think you had it in you. Well done."

Leaving Reid alone, when the young man's cheeks turned crimson, Morgan turned to the one man who hadn't said anything yet. "You're the only one left, Hotch," he said, "right now it seems like I'll be keeping my money, but who knows, maybe you have a worthy story."

Hotch racked his brain. He had plenty of stories and he was sure that most of them would blow the others out of the water rather easily. But what could he say that wouldn't betray the identity of his adventurous girlfriend? Because really it was all Emily, she was the one with the wild streak, but he happily went along for every ride she took him on.

Their very first time, having sex somewhere a little less conventional, had been the back of an SUV during a case in southern California. It wasn't something he was proud of, giving into temptation while still at work, but the case had been long drawn and it was the first time they'd gone more than a week without even as much as a kiss. When Emily had demanded they'd pull over, he'd pulled over. And when she had shoved her hand down his slacks and pumped him hard he hadn't protested one little bit. He'd ripped her tight black top from her body and growled his approval as she had mounted him. But that he couldn't tell them because they weren't dumb and would figure out immediately who he was talking about.

He thought harder, the memories gracing his mind making his pants feel uncomfortably tight. He couldn't tell them about the time he had found her naked and ready for him in his office either. That was probably the best sex he had ever had. Hard, fast and deliciously dirty on top of his desk. He'd been away for a few days to do an interview with an inmate and the welcome he had received from Emily had literally blown him to pieces. The things she could do with her mouth (and her tits) were mind-blowing.

Thinking of an event that had taken place just a few weeks prior, he cocked an eyebrow and looked at the three other men. "I had sex in a public bathroom once," he said.

"Really?" Morgan said, sounding unconvinced, "Where?"

"Here," Hotch said simply, a small dimple creasing his cheek, as he pointed to the ladies' room sign at the other end of the room. "We were in one of the stalls in the ladies' room and as you'd assume there's not a lot of space to move around in there, so I had her pressed against the wall. She got pretty loud and at one point when I heard the door open I had to shove my hand against her mouth. She bit me, I still have the marks." He held up his right hand, showing the two little red marks on his index finger.

"Whoa," Morgan said, "I think we have a winner here, boys. I did not know you had it in you man."

"I'm glad I'm able to surprise you from time to time, Derek," Hotch said drolly, sipping on his beer.

"If you don't mind my asking," Rossi cut in, "but who was the lucky lady?"

"That little tidbit of information I'll keep to myself," Hotch said, putting the empty bottle on the table and getting up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, it's late and we all have work tomorrow. I'm heading home."

Pushing the door to his apartment open thirty minutes later, Hotch immediately noticed the lack of light in the hallway… and the living room. "Baby?" he called out.

"In here!" Emily's sultry voice, coming from the bathroom, wafted through the apartment. He knew what that lilt to her voice meant and together with all the images of them making love that were running through his mind made walking down the hall very hard. Opening the door he found her naked in the bathtub, no bubbles obstructing his view. He had to bite his lip hard.

"Did you have a nice time with your buddies?"

"I did," he said.

"What did you do?"

"Talked."

"Do I have to drag every word from you?" Emily laughed, "You know the faster you tell me about your night the faster you can strip down to nothing and join me." She ran her hand between her breasts. "Promise to fuck your brains out."

"We compared sex stories," Hotch said, as he unbuttoned his shirt. "Morgan promised $100 to the winning story."

"Did you win?"

Bending down to untie his shoes, Hotch looked up at Emily but didn't say anything he just raised one eyebrow.

"Of course you did," Emily chuckled. "Which time did you tell them about? The golfcourse? No? Okay, the time you went down on me in that tiny little rental car?"

Hotch just shook his head.

"Oh, of course," Emily said, "How could I forget? That time in the Academy gym's steam room?"

A/N: This was seriously so much fun to write! Hope you all liked it. Please review.