Bronyplier, by Dickfart
One day, all the hooves down in Hoovesville, Equestria gathered around for the event of the year. That is, their favorite hooftube personality, Bronyplier, was visiting town today. Bronyplier was famous for recording himself playing video games, eating live worms, braying along to the hottest country tunes, and dying his mane sickly shades of pink and red, often both at the same time.
The Mane Six were trotting along in Hoovesville that day, when Bronyplier's big, brony face appeared on a giant outdoor screen for the growing crowd to enjoy. Rainbow Dash groaned.
"Not this asshole again," she said, noting that all that was missing was a trilby. "You vape, Bronyplier. We get it."
"Now, now, RD. Don't be so dog dang harsh to the little feller," said Applejack. "I thought he brayed along to Texas Tim's "Beer and Jesus" perfectly. Not to mention he done donated ten thousand pony dollars to my orchard."
"Yeah," said Twilight Sparkle. "And he supports affordable healthcare and higher education for everypony. He's the voice of our generation and I'll be recording every glorious detail of his visit to Princess Celestia."
"I heard he likes hamsters," said Fluttershy. "I... like hamsters, too."
"Well I personally find his sense of style positively gauche," said Rarity with her snoot in the air. "Honestly. He dyes his hair red AND pink? Then wears a gold jacket with rhinestones and has that silly pink mustache. Not to mention that disgusting cutie mark. It's dreadful."
"I hate him," said Pinkie Pie, with a demented look on her face. "I hate all of them. Sure, I USED to like them. I even invited him, PoNeePie, Yamidash, and Manesepticeye to all of my parties for the past six years, and WHAT RESPONSE DO THEY GIVE ME?!"
"Uh, what?" said Twilight Sparkle.
"AtTheRealBronyplier on Galloper galloped me no less than SIXTY-SEVEN images of some ugly creature called Harambe committing unspeakable acts to severed pony heads." She pulled out a giant glitter gun and neighed, "He will PAY for what he did!"
"Yeah, let's trample him!" said Rainbow Dash, sliding on some sharp, bladed horseshoes that could cleave a boulder in two.
"Let's not," said Twilight Sparkle. "That was clearly a fake Galloper account. Bronyplier is sweet, generous, and a role model to us all."
"He's so sweet, too," said Applejack, with a happy sigh. "I like how he's always thankin' his fans, and how he cries tears of joy every time something goes right. He's so good."
"All I would change about him is his tacky, unattractive appearance," said Rarity.
"That's why you should join us, Rarity," said Rainbow Dash. "Ponies Over Bronies! Who's with me? DOWN WITH BRONYPLIER!"
"DOWN WITH BRONYPLIER!" said Pinkie Pie.
"... down with bronyplier," said Fluttershy, just going along with the popular opinion.
"Hush up, you flea-bitten nixon. He's on stage!" said Applejack.
"Hello, everypony. My name is Bronyplier and welcome to a very special outdoor appearance from yours truly," he said, teeth glinting beneath the pink mustache.
"Boo! Five Nights at Freddy's isn't scary!" Rainbow Dash belted.
"I'm warnin' ya, RD," Applejack sneered. She had just about enough of seeing her favorite hooftube personality get wrecked by these irate neighsayers.
"I am so grateful to all of you, my fans, who have made this journey of mine so pleasant and fantastic. I want to take extra time to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, so I will get off stage and brohoof each of you individually."
"Oh!" said Twilight Sparkle, jotting down notes furiously.
"I'm gonna kill him," said Pinkie Pie, glitter gun at the ready.
"With glitter? Please. Let me handle this," said Rainbow Dash, galloping toward Bronyplier at lightening speed. She turned to kick dirt in his eyes as hard as she could, but in a fit of rage Applejack went after her with garden shears, skewering her through the heart on contact. Blood splattered everywhere, and the entire crowd gasped and took off screaming, except for Bronyplier, the camera crew, and the others.
"Don't NOBODY mess with Bronyplier! I've sworn my life to him, and he'll see my dedication, take me as his wife, and pop my apple cherry," said Applejack.
"Wow," said Bronyplier, wiping blood off his mustache. "I think... err... ah! Oblagahblah!"
He had nowhere to run from Applejack's furious love, until Pinkie Pie launched her glitter gun, which was actually filled with fireworks. About five glitter missiles connected with Applejack, launching her all the way into the sky. When they exploded, a glorious rain of glitter, apples, and pony limbs fell upon them. All that was left of Applejack was her hat.
"I'll kill anyone who gets in the way of my revenge, wah ha ha ha ha!" said Pinkie Pie.
"Dear Princess Celestia," said Twilight. "I learned today that my friends all suck. I'm going to have to kill them now, in the name of my lord and savior Bronyplier!"
"Creepy!" Bronyplier squealed, as Twilight Sparkle pulled Masamune out of her horn and ran the fuckin' thing through Pinkie Pie, then through Fluttershy for passively choosing to side with the devil. No one turns against the holy master that is Bronyplier and lives to tell about it.
"And you," said Twilight to Rarity, with gore in her eyes. "You said he wasn't fashionable. You claimed that he was DOUCHE!"
"Gauche, dear. I said gauche," said Rarity, pulling out a bottle of hairspray. "Don't you dare come any closer."
"Or what?" said Twilight. "You'll give me a makeover?"
"Indeed," said Rarity, blasting hairspray at rocket force toward Twilight. The purple pony was caught off guard, coughing, wheezing, and blinded by the chemicals. Then Rarity lit a match and set her ablaze. "A makeover. Makeoverdone, that is."
"GOOD ONE!" said Bronyplier, in a voice that was scared for his life. He used that voice in all of his videos. Even the X-rated Bronycam Studios.
"Don't worry. I'll see my own way out," said Rarity, putting a gun to her head. "I cannot exist in a world where somepony wears a fake pink mustache and has Freddy Fazbear as a cutie mark. Farewell." Then BANG, she shot herself dead.
Bronyplier blinked, choked, then smiled for the camera and said, "well, that's all the time I have for you today. Thank you for watching. Hit like and subscribe and, as always, I will see YOU in the next video. BUH BYE!"
The End