The preacher closes his bible. The sound echoes in the silent church. It's like a slap across the face telling me that I'll never see them again. Never hear her laugh. Never feel his warm arms around me. Never smell her perfume. Suddenly, all of my nevers become my reality. Her laugh echoes off of the stone walls, overpowering every other sound with its melodic chiming. His body heat fills the room, scorching me in my seat. The scent of her perfume fills the air, suffocating me. Bells, heat, flowers. I can't take it anymore. I jump out of my seat and run for the exit. People stare as I run down the aisle. I would have stared, too. A girl in baggy Scooby- Doo pajama pants and a white T-shirt running out of a funeral? Not something you see every day. I don't care. They already think I'm crazy. Why not go with it.
Once I'm outside, I can breathe again and the noise stops. Tears spring up in my eyes. I keep running. I'm in the cemetery, when I trip over a root. It sends me spiraling into a young cherry in full bloom. I crawl up against its trunk and bawl. No one comes for me. I just sit there clinging to the tree. It's the only thing that doesn't spin around me. The world passes by so fast. I swear I'll be thrown off of the edge of the earth if I let go.
The spinning stops, but I still hold onto the tree for dear life, convinced it will start up again. Tears are still streaming out of my eyes, though they remain firmly shut. I must look crazy. No one else experiences what I do. That's why they sent me there. I'll never go back. Never. They can't make me.
I dig in my bag. It's huge, grey, and I've been basically living out of it for the past three weeks. I find what I'm looking for after several minutes of searching. It's an orange plastic tube. The tube itself isn't important at all, but what's inside of it is precious. I unscrew the white lid and pour the menagerie of colorful pills into my hand. I swallow each pill individually and pray that it will work this time. I sit there for a few minutes waiting for the pills to kick in.
I can't believe it. It didn't work. Again. My body must be truly amazing. I don't even feel high, let alone dead. What a shame. If I died in a cemetery they wouldn't have to move me far. I start laughing hysterically. I don't know what's funny, but I can't stop.
"Is something funny, miss?" a voice asks. I look up. Some dude is standing over me. He has white hair. Huh, angels do exist. "Is here where you would like to stay? If not I know a place far away."
The rhyming thing is annoying. I hope I don't have to stay with this loser. But, "a place far away"? Heaven hear I come. "Take me there," I say. I offer a hand and he helps me up. I grab my bag and follow him. We don't say anything. We walk through an overgrown forest, and I nearly break my ankle on a root. I'm exhausted by the time we reach a large hole. He motions for me to jump down it. Isn't heaven up? Down is hell. I'm not going to hell. I push the creep down the hole. He screams curses up at me. I don't really care.
I start walking back to the cemetery. I can't believe I actually thought that idiot was an angel. I shrug off my stupidity and keep walking. I go to step on solid ground, but the moss, grass and tree roots give way beneath me. The hole had been completely overgrown. I find myself falling. Oh well, I think. I guess you can't escape hell after all. I just enjoy the sensation of falling and pray that I fall forever.