Dirty Little Secrets
By
Alexis O'Brien
Chapter One
The Dojo
Disclaimer - None belong to me
Warning – This story shall contain Tcest so count yourself warned
Move, twist, side, swipe, Move, twist, side, swipe.
Leonardo felt his eyes narrow as his body automatically followed the commands that his brain was issuing to it. He turned sharply on the spot, the movement swift and fluid as his brought his left arm up to block an imaginary foe, His right arm extended in what would have been a finishing blow if it had connected with someone.
He could hear and feel everything surrounding him, every part of him heightened to sense anything. He heard his brothers talking on the other side of the door and felt his concentration break for a moment, breaking his flawless movement and allowing unwanted sensations and thoughts to filter through his mind until he regained complete control of himself. He forced the thoughts to be buried deep down before they could take hold and consume him again. Before they forced him to relive the moment of his downfall over and over again.
He couldn't understand why his body refused to follow his every command like it used to. Why at certain times it would take on a life of its own leaving his mind a helpless bystander. He would watch as if he was another person and see the way it came alive under a certain look, he could almost see the spark of life that would flare in his eyes as he fought to try and control himself and the urges which would command him if he didn't stop them.
If his body had listened to him in the first place then he would never have found himself in his current situation. It should have been an easy thing to halt. Mind over matter Master Splinter had always preached at them, teaching them the way of inner enlightenment through meditation sessions. There was nothing that the mind couldn't overcome if patience and discipline were applied. He had followed those teachings all his life and yet he now found himself desperate to give up control and allow his body to do exactly what his heart wanted it to do.
He felt addicted, like he was on a drug and it was a feeling he was beginning to crave more and more with each passing moment.
"Leo are you ok?" Leonardo came to a slow stop, his movements stilled as he twisted his head round to look at the door connecting the Dojo to the rest of their living area. He felt a flash of disappointment in the pit of his stomach as he recognised his immediate younger brother. As much as he cared about Donatello he wasn't the one that Leonardo wanted to see at that time.
Leonardo met the watchful expression head on, keeping quiet until Donatello lowered his eyes from him before he spoke
"I'm fine Don, why are you asking?" he watched with a disinterested look as Donatello straightened himself from where he had been leaning casually against the door jam. His watchful expression melting into a concerned frown as his eyes traced Leonardo's features.
The eldest was on edge regardless on what he was saying. His expression was shuttered hiding his thoughts from the world leaving only the mask that Donatello was used to seeing on a daily basis. The warm dark eyes were focused and bright in the flickering candlelight, too bright by far. Donatello's protective instincts went into overdrive at the sight.
"Well you've been locked away in here for well over 5 hours now Leo" he pointed out calmly "You haven't eaten anything since breakfast and even then you didn't eat much according to Raph. You haven't even left here to get some water or go to the toilet or anything. Are you ill?" he asked
Leonardo kept his calm façade with difficulty as Donatello casually mentioned the name which had been haunting him. He closed his eyes briefly as the name echoed round his head, the tone taunting and longing. He swallowed before opening his eyes again, speaking in an emotionless tone so different from his usual one.
"As I said before Donnie, I'm fine and in perfect health" he replied, turning his gaze away "If I had been ill then I would have left here and come to find you, since I haven't then we can only conclude that it isn't the case. I thank you for your concern though" Donatello blinked and took an automatic step back at the formal words and impersonal voice Leonardo had used. He was acting like he was talking to a complete stranger instead of his own brother.
Leonardo turned his back to him clearly dismissing him from his presence as he lifted his swords up again, his feet moving into the correct position. He waited, hearing Donatello hesitate at the door. His eyes closed in frustration as Donatello spoke again, his voice quiet in the room but with an undertone of annoyance in it which was rarely heard. He should have known that Donatello wouldn't have given up that easily. He could be just as stubborn as the rest of them when he felt something was important enough.
"You're talking rubbish Leo" he stated "There is something on your mind and its eating you up inside, please don't insult me by pretending that it is nothing when it clearly is. You need to talk to someone about it; it doesn't have to be me but…" Leonardo cut him off, tilting his head in his direction though he didn't turn to look at him.
"I am fine Donnie" he said, a sharp tone of warning in his voice "There is nothing for you or the other 2 to worry about. As soon as I've finished my practice session here then I'll be out" he heard Donatello sigh, a sound of disappointment and frustration that made him wince internally.
He began running through the Kata again waiting until he heard the door close and the silence grow around him. It was only then that he allowed himself to stop, his arms falling to his side, his hands still gripping the hilts of his sword tightly as he stood still, his head tilted back towards the ceiling, his eyes closed tightly as he tried to steady his breathing.
He felt as though his life was being lived by someone else and he was a mere watcher, watching events unfold. He was the eldest of his brother; he had been made into the leader by their father. His brothers were his responsibility, their well being, their health, their happiness. Everything to do with their everyday life was his job to keep as stable as possible.
He knew he should never place one brother ahead of the others, that for them to survive as a unit he needed to treat them all the same, as if they were one being and yet standing in the silent Dojo alone he could admit to himself that he had failed in that fundamental rule. He had probably been failing at it for years without even realising it.
He wished with all his heart that he had never woken up that night a week ago and seen the sight that had greeted him when he had left his room. The sight that had twisted at his heart, his stupid heart which from that moment had no longer belong to him but to another who wasn't even aware he held it in his hands.
If he had stayed asleep, if he had stayed in bed, turning over and snuggling down trying to recapture his sleep then everything would have been fine and he could have carried on living in a denial he hadn't even been aware he was living in but it was too late for that.
His brothers were suffering due to him, he was suffering due to his emotions which he was suddenly a slave to and yet there was nothing he could do to cure himself of it. Every time he allowed himself to think or to sleep, even if he allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment then he would see them. Those defiant yet traumatised golden eyes staring blankly in his direction and yet not seeing him, barely registering anything through the haze of tears that caused the eyes to sparkle in the candlelight. A sight he knew he should forget but was unable to
There had been a silent plea in those unfocused eyes, a plea that Leonardo couldn't ignore even if he had wanted to and now all he wanted to do was hold him and comfort him. He would do anything to get that look in those eyes to disappear forever. Even the stark knowledge that if he followed his own selfish desires he would destroy his family couldn't deter him.
The only hope he had was to stay away from him and that was something which he was finding harder and harder to do.
Nothing mattered anymore to him but getting the expression of pain out of his brother eyes and if it led to his own downfall then that was a chance he was more then willing to take.