Eli Goldsworthy.

Two simple words. I hadn't known at the time that they would one day mean something. More than just something… they would mean the best and the worst, my memories and my heartache, life before and life after.

But on that day, all it meant was my English partner. You know, I'll have to thank Mrs. Dawes. I can still see her flittering around in her antiquated quirky glasses with her shoulder length mousy brown hair, usually sporting some kind of comfy yet polished sweater. The epitome of the words "English teacher". If the C on my paper handed back that day was not offending enough, then assigning me and only me an English partner to edit my work had to have been. Fair enough, it was a vice-versa situation. But still. I didn't need an editor.

An editor, I might not have thought I needed. An Eli, however— that was a different story.

xXx

One year, nine months, and two weeks later, I was walking into Degrassi Community High on yet another morning. It was the last day of junior year. I saw the same faces I'd been seeing ever since ninth grade as a geeky and self righteous little freshman. But one in particular was the face I had a habit of looking for. The face I'd been drawn to for exactly that amount of time.

I spotted Eli down the hall, talking to Adam, the both of them excitedly looking over what appeared to be an album. When he looked up and our eyes met, his familiar half smirk/half smile broke through. I loved his expressions. They made the embers of hazel in his intense sparkling green eyes come alive.

I had come to know these expressions like I knew my own mind. In the months before Eli decided he was ready for a relationship, when we were just friends, I had discovered that I had to observe, not ask. He was guarded, vague, and I quickly learned how to determine things by the way he carried himself, the slightly irregular sentences that were said, the expressions that his eyes gave away.

When he smiled, I smiled. It was a simple thing, yet it meant so much to me. But the thought of Eli's graduation registered in my brain once again, and my smile fell. I didn't have to look up to know that he understood. He understood me more than anyone I'd ever met.

We went through the day normally, the day that had been like all the rest in the week. It was finals, and although Eli had none to take, he was there anyways. Just like he always said he would be.

Until now, at least.

Saturday night crept up on me like a prisoner waiting for an execution. I arrived early, sans parents, looking for Adam and his family. He found me first, and we all walked in together. I was genuinely proud of Eli and everything tonight meant for him, but I could not find a way to escape the heaviness that I was carrying. I could tell Adam felt the same way as we sat down and anxiously waited for the program to start. I thought about how the seats of the auditorium were worn down and stiff from years of use. How it had rained this morning, causing the outside morning graduation ceremony to turn into an in-auditorium evening graduation ceremony. Anything to keep my mind off of the blue caps and gowns that would soon be emerging. Somehow, I smiled at the thought of a reluctant Eli in the tacky bright blue. I almost wouldn't have been surprised if he would try to go up there without it.

The lights dimmed, the spotlights flickered onto the stage, and the chatter that filled the air dropped in unison as if waiting for the perfect cue.

This was it.

I saw a few people I knew walk across their stage to get their diplomas. Bianca, the girl that Alli had sworn rivalry to last year. The nice guy from my Christian club. All of the upperclassmen I knew from advanced English. But the letter G does not come late enough, I realized, as Eli entered the stage. He became a slight blur before the release of tears I tried viciously to fight off. I didn't want to take away from this moment for him. I hated the thought of him having to comfort me instead of rightfully celebrating graduation.

He had once told me we'd make it work; that college wouldn't be the end of us. We'd connect through letters, phone calls, visits, whatever it took. I just couldn't help but remember what Fiona, Adam's friend, had said about her brother and an ex girlfriend of his that went to our school. That he had gone away to another high school in the states, and she stayed at Degrassi. That they loved each other and wanted to make it work too.

"It's only one year, Clare." Eli had said to me. "And then you'll be right there with me."

Fiona's words were ringing in my ear. Her brother was only gone for a year too.

Only one year.

xXx

The summer had gone by much too fast, like I expected it would. Gone were the nights spent walking in the park, kissing against the trees, and lying quietly in the grass together. We talked about life, meanings, and literature. But we also talked about the crazy memories from the first year together, the offbeat and unique things his parents said that day that made him laugh, and the absurdity of pumpkin queens.

"Oh, God, please no." The photo he kept in his wallet that Eli had acquired through my mom made its shameful way in front of me. Thanks Mom. Thanks a bunch. She had more than one copy of that picture, I'm ashamed to admit.

Eli laughed heartily. "Oh come on. It's cute."

"Oh please! My cheeks are chubby looking. And pumpkin queen? The third grade Thanksgiving play community could have come up with a better role than that, couldn't they? It sounds like a fat joke waiting to happen." I retorted dryly.

We were both sitting on the grass criss cross applesauce across from each other. Eli stopped smiling for a bit to look into my eyes with a serious expression. He kept it long enough to get on his knees and lean into me slowly. He paused, his face thisclose to mine. I could see the outline of stars in the night sky behind his black hair, peering down like spectators. My heartbeat still quickened at moments like these.

"You, Clare Edwards," he continued leaning before meeting my lips, kissing me softly. He pulled back all too soon. "are beautiful. And this," he moved his hands to slide over my hips gradually "is one of the things I love about you."

If I were not so pale, it might be easier to hide the fact that I was blushing madly. I still hadn't given everything to Eli. I'm not entirely sure why. I just couldn't ever bring myself to. He was as understanding and patient as ever. But it wasn't as if we were completely inexperienced with each other. We were each other's in every way but one. And I was contemplating that fact very dangerously.

He stopped moving his hands and left them right above the curves of my hips, leaning in to kiss me again, this time much deeper than the first.

"I love you Clare. That'll never change." Eli looked so vulnerable, and I was shocked at what he had said. Not that he loved me. He had said that plenty times prior to this. But the that'll never change part. Eli wasn't one to lay his heart out on the line like that. It made my eyes wet when I realized it's because he wanted to leave me with something he kept inside for himself. With something that was all he had left to give.

And I was certain I wanted to do the same.

Didn't I?

"I love you too Eli. So much." That much I was sure of. I let my head fit into his neck as he held me close, letting my tears fall into his favorite shirt.

I wondered if this is why some of the more radical Christians at my church didn't believe in teen dating. Their reasoning usually lied along the lines of you're too young, you can't commit, you don't want to give away too much too soon and dating is a compromising situation.

But all I was thinking about was that saying that absence makes the heart grows fonder. I couldn't help but think that whoever said that confused fondness for desperation.

All I could think about was what I would feel like without Eli. What it would feel like to let go.

After that, I only cried harder.

But if there was one thing to hold on to, it was his eyes. Especially when he said those four words.

I love you, Clare.