The advantages of forked tongues

I do not own harry potter, quit asking!

Hermione rushed through the corridors of Hogwarts, narrowly avoiding startled students, kicking mrs. Norris (Harry and Ron were rubbing off on her), and weaving around ghosts ( just because she could walk through them didn't make it pleasant). In truth, she was rather perturbed ( Hermione was probably the only second year student outside of ravenclaw to actually think using polysyllabic words when smaller ones would do) , as she couldn't stop worrying about Harry. The whole "heir of slytherin" nonsense that the whole school seemed to be falling for was really beginning to take its toll on him- Merlin knew,it was beginning to really wear on her- the constant whispering, fearful or hateful looks, and everyone seeming to remember that they were urgently needed elsewhere whenever she came near was enough to drive one mad, and that was just what she got for being His friend( she idly wondered if they thought the passive-agressive treatment was really the best tactic to use against a potentially omni-powerful dark lord in training) She and the boys had taken to sticking together even more closely then normal, sometimes traveling under the cover of the invisibility cloak. Until, of course, she had just HAD to stay up late studying the history of dragon baiting(a delightful read) and overslept- now Harry and Ron were probably worrying about her and-.
Hermione's train of thought crashed, burned, and got eaten by a giant flubberworm as she entered the great hall.
Harry sat with his back leaning against the griffindor table, body sunk in a state more relaxed then he had been all year. That by itself would have been cause for celebration, as he got little enough relaxation those days- but,however, that was hardly the only abnormality. Ron was sitting a quarter of the way down the table, slamming his head against a cleared-off area of the venerable piece of furniture. In between Ron and Harry, and spreading an equal distance to the other side of the boy-who-would-not-die, taking up fully one-half of that side of the table, and part of the other side, was a huge roiling knot of black and green. Surrounding her best friend was just about every witch in slytherin from the first the fourth years, with a few older ones besides, along with a few ravenclaws who seemed to be trying to get close enough to Harry to interrogate him. Immediately next to Harry were a couple of second years who she vaguely recognized as Daphne Greengrass and Pansy Perkinson, who appeared to be feeding him fresh fruit. The two oddest sights that she could see we're a ferret in a cage and a giant constrictor snake wrapped around the most famous student currently attending Hogwarts.
"Harry...?" She began.
"Oh, hey Hermione, have I introduced to mrs. Fluffykins yet?" He said,motioning towards the large, scaly thing wrapped around him.
" ?" Hermione whimpered, visions of three- headed dogs, dragons, and more terrifying things dancing around her head along with the phrase "not another one".
"Yeah, she's my friend." He paused, cocked his head at the crime against sanity he was currently petting, hissed at it(instantly drawing the attention of the few slytherin witches who hadn't been fawning over him. The two had quite the conversation, hissing back and forth for quite some time before nodding and looking up.
"She also says that the rat that's been sleeping in Ron's bed is actually a creepy old man."
Ron quickly threw pettigrew across the room. Professer Mcgonagall, who had happened to be walking by to give the weasely twins detention on principle, flicked her wand, transfiguring the rat into a man who was very creepy indeed.
"Peter pettigrew!" The witch declared, looking faint.
While that little bit of insanity involving death eaters, professors, aurors, and a vampire who showed up for no adequately explained reason, played out, Hermione clutched at the slightly less incredible event of the Slytherins, who were now fanning Harry with giant conjured leaves.
"So, why are the Slytherins..."
"You'd be surprised at what being descended from the purest pureblood ever does to your reputation among a house of pureblood bigots."he replied,"they came up to me earlier and said that they wanted to be my dark kumquats-" a witch butted in "consorts" -"whatever."
"Why didn't they come up to you earlier?" Hermione clung to her last bit of logic.
"They're actually very shy." Harry told her, while several nearby Slytherins nodded.
"And the snake?" She asked, now with a nervous tick.
"She's been sleeping under Hagrid's hut, she promised to serve me If I kept her safe from his hugs."
Finally out of any sort of logical grounding, Hermione reached for whatever argument she could find.
"And Malfoy?" She asked, not really wanting to know.
Harry pointed at the cage.
Hermione fainted.
Just then, Hagrid came running Into the great hall. "Head master, headmaster!" He called, "I found a giant snake underneath the school!"
"Can I keep it?"

Epilogue
Harry eventually got half of the girls in Hogwarts to join his dark consorts, which he then used to annihilate voldemort until he got bored enough to go after the Horcruxes.

Hermione became a Dark lady, took over magical Britain, and became the best leader in its history since Merlin until she got bored and left to join Harry's dark consort army.

Ron got brain damage from hitting his head against the table, eventually convinced himself that he was Merlin in disguise, and was last seen raising an army of dragons- and succeeding.

Sirius Black was released from azkaban, retired to Majorca, and couldn't be prouder of his godson and his dark harem.

Dumbledore retired after the defeat of voldemort, starting up a wool socks and lemon drop factory.

Hagrid became the greatest Basilisk breeder since Herpo the foul. He also breeds dragons, three headed dogs, hippogriffs, and more exotic and terrifying creatures.

Luna Lovegood, who was too busy fighting nargles to appear in this fiction, eventually managed to kidnap Harry and his entire army. He recruited her.

Draco Malfoy toured muggle circuses as the amazing bouncing ferret, finally retiring with his vast fortune, a contented man-ferret.

No snakes or ferrets were harmed in the making of this fiction- only a rat and some nargles.