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"Cal?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we ok?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes please," Gillian pointed out even though she was worried.
A pause.
"I don't know."
Gillian was still for a moment, her heart beating in an uncomfortable way. In the dark she couldn't see her husband's face but what he had said cut through the dimness like he had physically thrown the words at her and they had stuck in her chest with precision, despite the fact that he'd used a light tone of voice. She suddenly felt inexplicably hot and threw the covers back from her torso. "Are you serious right now?" She asked, her voice sounding empty and numb. Her skin prickled with a panicked sweat. What was happening to them? They had been pretending for a long time that they were all right but it felt 'off' to her, just slightly on the wrong side of normal. Some moments seemed like everything was how it should be but sometimes, when she stopped to notice, it was like their batteries were slowly going flat. She had sensed it but now with Cal's words, she knew it.
"I don't know what to think anymore," Cal added softly.
Gillian reached over and turned her light on. It was kind of hard to breathe right now.
"Ow!" Cal complained as his hands shot up to cover his eyes. "Geeze. Give me some warnin'."
"Were you serious?" Gillian demanded, sitting near his waist.
"Yes. My eyes are burnin'."
"I meant about what you said. Were you serious about that?"
Cal rubbed his eyes. He looked different to her somehow, the glow of her lamp casting him in a different light all of a sudden. "I don't know Gill. A lot has been goin' on recently."
Gillian didn't know what to say. It was probably the weight of the adoption finally starting to take its toll. She was quite aware that neither of them had dealt with it very well and now that it was all over it was an insane relief, but almost anticlimactic. The tension had built and built and then they had just got in the car and driven on home again. It seemed a bit surreal. And then there was the fact that Cal had overcome cancer not even six months ago. She hadn't coped with that very well at all and Cal had only dealt with it just enough to get by on. And yet she knew Cal. She knew him very well. He didn't take kindly to coddling. He didn't like to sit down and talk about his feelings. He only liked to talk about them on his terms. Which is why he only went to see Doctor Wu when it suited him instead of regular appointments. And that was also why he periodically blurted out how he felt about Gillian.
"It scares me when you talk like that," Gillian told him in a tight voice.
Cal lowered his hand and watched her. "I don't know what to say. I was just tryin' to be honest." He was somewhat contrite, softening the blow now.
"That's ok," Gillian softened hers too. "I'm glad you're honest with me. You don't have to say anything but if you give up on me, on us," her voice shook and she paused to take a deep breath while they stared each other in the eye. "You promised me Cal. Do you remember? You pinky swore that you would always be with me. You would always be here with me," she gestured to her heart. "No matter what. You tell me all the time how much you love me. You can't just give up on that like that," she snapped her fingers to emphasise her point.
"I'm not givin' up. I've been fightin'."
"So keep fighting," she implored. She knew why he looked different now. He looked defeated. She had never seen him like that. Only when he had split up from Zoe. That was the only time she had seen him so utterly broken. New fear settled into her stomach and started a slow toxic spread to her nearest internal organs. She could feel her diaphragm recoil away from it.
"I'm tired," he told her simply and the poison was suddenly like lead. It dropped heavily into her intestines making her feel like she was being sucked down into a vortex and there was nothing she could do about it. She was losing this game. She could see it in Cal's eyes. She didn't know how the story was going to end, but for the first time in their entire relationship she actually felt as if she might get to the final pages alone. "That's all," he added but she knew that wasn't all.
Her first thought was to bail, to run away so she could re-gather herself in private. But then she had been there and done that and quite frankly she was lucky Cal had let her back in after she had tried. And failed. She was lucky to have Cal in the first place. This Cal. The Cal that openly admitted his faults to her, the Cal that was the strongest when she needed him the most, who put all of his pain aside to help her deal with hers, but who was here now, exhausted, essentially telling her he couldn't do that anymore (and between the lines telling her she had to take some of the burden). Gillian knew now. She had finally woken up. It was her turn. She had to stop being such a coward and face her faults too. She had married Cal knowing, knowing, that he was changing, morphing, growing into something beautiful. So beautiful she had wanted to be part of it.
She had run from Alec and she had justified it magnificently because he had been an addict; it was his fault. This wasn't Cal's fault though, this was her fault. She wasn't paying close enough attention, she was ignoring the things she didn't want to see, she was slipping backwards down that ladder and Cal had been propping her up for years, had been clinging on to her and yet now, he was saving himself before they both fell. And it was the right thing for him to do. Absolutely the right thing. But he could think again if he thought she was going to let go or let him let her go forever.
Gillian leaned forward and gave Cal a gentle kiss on the lips. He showed mild surprise as she pulled away again. Gillian reached over and put her light out and then she settled where she always felt the safest: in his arms, her head on his shoulder, her arm hugging over his abdomen. For the first time in years, she actually felt like she was comforting him for once. Hadn't she talked about wanting balance? Why wait for him to give it to her? She had to go and carve it out of the opportunities for herself. And not do a half ass job this time either; she really needed to step up her game. Or she would lose him for real. She had made a start in reconnecting them by helping Cal with his depression after the cancer; and he had taken more than a massive leap in letting her get close to him when he was vulnerable like that. But once again their relationship had taken a back seat to life. She had to keep going now. She had to build on that foundation. She couldn't just do half the job this time. She had to be all in.
PJ
Gillian crossed the border into Virginia and pulled up in front of a hotel. In the lobby she wandered slowly over to a waiting area while she scanned the crowd. She heard the ping of the elevator doors opening and turned on instinct. Sure enough, Casey stepped into view. They grinned at each other and hugged while exchanging greetings.
"You look good," Casey told her.
"Same to you."
"Is this Lily?"
"Yes," Gillian confirmed of the sleeping baby in the car seat at her feet.
Casey squeezed Gillian's arm. "Congratulations! Sorry I couldn't be there for the official naming ceremony."
"I'm glad you happen to be in town to meet her now."
"Let's get a coffee!" Casey announced.
They sat tucked away against the wall, where they could watch people while they caught up. Casey went gooey over Lily despite the fact the three month old was still asleep. The motion of the car had rocked her to slumber even though she had more awake hours during the day now.
"How was your Thanksgiving?" Gillian asked as they settled once they had ordered.
"Good. We got together with some of Mark's work colleagues; a little band of family-less migrant New Yorkers. How was yours?"
"Pretty low key. We were too tired to do anything much and Cal didn't particularly feel like being social either." They told the many invitees that they were having a quiet weekend together. They had dinner. They were thankful. They had a lot to be thankful for.
Casey nodded. "Talk about having an afterthought."
Gillian gave a bemused smile; Casey was talking about Lily. "Two of them," Gillian clarified. Even though she had longed for Lewis too he had also been an afterthought. Thanksgiving might not have meant much to Cal, who she suspected still had some residue of depression in his mind (which, coupled with the fatigue of having a new born, explained why he was being so ambivalent about their marriage), but it had meant the world to her this year. She could count on two fingers the instances she knew in which people got to literally re-write their pasts. She had corrected what had happened with Sophie. She was about ready to start calling it a miracle.
Casey nodded with sympathy. "And how are you guys coping?" She asked with a loaded tone of voice.
"Fine," Gillian replied honestly. "We're doing fine." Were they? "We're coping anyway."
"Now what does that mean? That was a thinly coated 'need to talk to my best girlfriend about something'."
Gillian gave a wry smile. "Well your timing on this visit to the city couldn't have been more perfect."
"Go ahead. I'll charge you the discounted rate and put it on your tab."
"I'm worried about my marriage."
"Again?"
"I think it's more like 'still.'"
"I thought you guys were solid since last year..."
Gillian shook her head slightly. "We were solid on pretending that everything's been fine since last year."
"Oh honey," Casey reached over and gave her wrist a slight squeeze. "What happened?"
"It's me," Gillian sighed. "I screwed up and then somehow I let Cal feel like it was his fault and even though I said I wanted to work through it, I kind of didn't. I stopped opening up to him and now I can feel a distance between us that's never been so apparent before. We started to deal but we didn't quite get there. And now that Lily's here... I'm actually scared she's going to drive a wedge between us."
"Go on," Casey encouraged stirring sugar into her coffee.
Gillian told her about the adoption. Cal's reluctance and then him warming to the idea, and even though he had eventually jumped on board with her fully, they had still been distance. Even when he discovered the lump they didn't seem to be on the same emotional level. They were like two ships sailing past each other in the night. They knew the other person was right there and yet they continued to miss each other. When he pushed, she happened to pull.
"You know sometimes you don't always need to search for the reason why something has happened or why someone behaves the way they do. Sometimes it's just important to acknowledge the behaviour, correct it and carry on your way," Casey noted.
"That's what I've been thinking more and more. Apologising now wouldn't feel like enough," Gillian admitted. She sighed. "I feel like I spend too much time analysing what went wrong and worrying about the past. I should just, make it right now."
"Good idea."
"Ok," Gillian gave a slight smile. Her shoulders felt lighter.
"Is that all you wanted? A second opinion?"
"Yeah, sometimes a sounding board is good."
"And if you can't talk to best friend number one because it involves him, you turn to best friend number two?" Casey gave a slight smile in return. "You'll be all right Gillian. We all get lost but you're smart. You and Cal, you're the invincible type. Doesn't mean you can't have problems like us mere mortals. But you know, you're still together and you still love each other. For a lot of couples the pressure of a second child, especially so late in life, forces them to a breaking point. I've counselled plenty of couples who were sleeping in separate bedrooms at this point. But you're both still here; no one's taken off to New York."
Here Gillian narrowed her eyes at her friend and tried not to show guilt at the fact that she had attempted to do just that, sleep in the spare bedroom. Now they didn't have one for her to run to.
"So, just keep on pushing forward. You'll get there. I have faith."
For a second Gillian thought she had said 'fate' and she felt a jolt in her chest. Fate. Fate reminded her of Lily and everything she represented to them. And it triggered the idea of something else...
"You all right?" Casey brought her back. "You zoned out on me."
"Yeah I'm ok. Just thinking," Gillian gave her another smile. A waiter came to clear the coffee cups away.
"You have somewhere you have to be?"
Gillian checked her watch. "No. Not for another hour. I have to pick Lewis up for a doctor's appointment."
"Great. Because I have something I want to talk to you about..."
PJ
"Gillian it's good to see you again."
Gillian let go of Lewis' hand to shake Doctor Rosario's and returned a greeting. She had Lily's car seat in her other hand. The little girl was awake now and eyeing up the bright coloured toys handing from her car seat's handle. The doctor bent to Lewis and greeted him too. He signed 'hello'. Gillian wished he would talk. But when he was feeling shy or insecure he clammed up. It was hard to tell if that was a normal two and a half year old thing or whether it was because he didn't trust his voice.
"And who's this?" Rosario asked of Lily, giving her cheek a rub. Lily stared up at her with almost black eyes.
"Lily," Gillian introduced while they moved to sit. Lewis hung around Gillian, attempting to climb into her lap once she had taken a seat.
"I didn't realise you were having another baby. I guess I haven't seen you in a while," she gave a warm smile.
"Lily is adopted."
"Oh right," Rosario looked a little embarrassed. She took her seat behind her desk. "So how's everything going?" She asked as she gestured towards Lewis.
Gillian finally caved and pulled Lewis into her lap. "Good. Lewis has been wearing his hearing aids all the time."
"That's good. And you've been monitoring the volume for him?"
Gillian nodded. "If we're somewhere too noisy I usually turn them down."
Rosario asked more questions about Lewis' reaction to the aids. She asked about his speech development. It was nice to focus on something that wasn't to do with the adoption or some other life-threatening disaster. It was nice to be able to focus on her son. And then of course if she needed a good distraction she could always start working on her relationship with Cal. Their effort so far was glacial.
Rosario ran a few diagnostic tests on Lewis, checking the general health of his ears and hearing. Then the doctor took him and Gillian through to another room. She took another cast of his ear so new moulds could be made. This was only his second set because he was currently in a slow growth period. As he grew more rapidly they would be upgraded more frequently. Lewis kept relatively still while Rosario worked. Gillian supposed with everything that had happened in his life so far, he was used to being attended to. Or maybe he was loving the fact that the two women were all over him and not the baby.
PJ
After that it was home again. Gillian set Lewis up at the kitchen table with paper and crayons and a desk-pad of newspaper to protect the wooden surface, while she fed Lily at the end in the sun and then put her down on a padded mat with an activity centre that she could bat with her hands and keep herself entertained. Gillian folded washing while Lewis babbled away to himself. Gillian listened as he half formed words and sounds like he should have been doing over six months ago. It seemed like he had been on the verge of talking like the rest of the children his age for months now. His comprehension had picked up. He knew who he was and his mother and father, Emily, Kiera, Lily, people at work. He would follow instructions and make demands; hungry, thirsty, sleepy. But as for asking questions and stringing together sentences and even expanding on his vocabulary, Gillian wasn't sure he was making progress. She made a mental note to speak to Stephanie about it tomorrow when he had his next therapy appointment.
Gillian took the washing and put it away in their respective homes. Then she sat with Lewis and asked him what they should have for dinner. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then pointed at the fridge. "Yeah, good idea," Gillian responded, reaching for a crayon. "Food is always a good idea." She made a rainbow while Lewis told her it was 'pitty' and offered her all the rest of the crayons. Gillian was adding a cloud when she heard the door.
"I'm home!" Cal yelled from the other side of the house.
"Kitchen!" Gillian called back. Lewis looked over at her. "Dad's home," she told him.
"Oh Dad's home," Lewis repeated. He turned to watch the kitchen door.
"I have to pee so bad!" Cal yelled from, Gillian guessed, the guest bathroom.
Gillian smiled to herself. "He's in the toilet," she told Lewis. She signed 'bathroom'; a 'T' hand shaken slightly from side to side
"Hands," Lewis demonstrated how he was supposed to wash them.
"Yes, good boy, he should wash his hands."
"Oh God!" Cal continued to call out. "Feels so gooood!"
Gillian laughed. "Your Dad is a very strange man." Lewis gave her a sudden smile. He reached for another crayon and offered it to her, as if saying 'that's nice, now keep drawing'. "Thank you," Gillian told him and signed the words.
Cal came into the kitchen. "Hands," Lewis told him and mimicked washing them again.
"Yes I washed my hands," Cal told him. He gave Lewis a kiss in greeting first before he bent to greet Lily on the floor. Gillian loved that he made the effort to not disrupt what Lewis was used to too much. Lewis had always had kisses first.
Gillian got up to start dinner. "You're home early."
"Yeah found a lull to sneak away in. Hey," he caught her arm as she started to move around him. He pulled her in close against him. He gave her a slow kiss, the kind that made her cheeks flush in delight. When he pulled away again his eyes were bright. Gillian gave him a smile and he gave her a grin and without either of them having to say a word they knew it meant their children were going to bed early that night.
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